Month: February 2011

Friday Round Up

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, movies, oscars, Sketchup

Hey there, ‘Redheads… For all of you who were working for the weekend, congratulations, you’ve arrived. I just got back from a show at my alma mater, the University of Maryland, to judge a preliminary round of the District’s Funniest College competition and tell jokes to the disaffected youth. Not only was the audience packed, but all of the fifteen contestants acquitted themselves nicely. Go Terps. Afterwards, I got to talking to a couple current members of the sketch comedy group I helped found, Sketchup. They’ll be having their 15th anniversary show in April. I feel proud and old at the same time.

Apparently, Charlie Sheen has gone Busey on us. If you haven’t heard his radio rant from yesterday, he referred to himself as a “Vatican assassin warlock.” If that’s not the next movie on SyFy Channel, I’ll be sorely disappointed. He can fight Sharktopus. He rambled for about twenty minutes about how he’s healed himself with his mind and how he’s unappreciated for polishing turds into comedy gold. Do yourself a favor and give it a listen. It makes Mel Gibson sound like Frasier Crane. Now CBS has halted production on Two and a Half Men and everyone is worried what will become of one of the highest rated sitcoms on TV. I have a simple solution for them. Something that has worked for shows like Happy Days and Married with Children. Two words: Ted McGinley. He’s plug and play. Give him a call. I bet his schedule is wide open.

The Oscars are Sunday and the only thing I’m really looking forward to is the In Memoriam segment. I’ve only seen two of the flicks that are up for Best Picture, Inception and The Fighter. All I know is, Inception was one of the most satisfying movie going experiences I’ve had in about five years. It was original and well made. Right now, my opinion of the movie industry isn’t great. So many remakes and reboots and regurgitated crap in 3-D. There are plans in the works to remake Fletch, Highlander, and to reboot Spider-man and Superman. Hollywood, reboot thyself. Just re-release the original movies. You’re just trying to mine the nostalgia anyway. Howabout you leave our memories alone and go make some new ones, huh? By the way, if you pay money to see Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, we can’t be friends anymore. Just putting that out there.

See you Monday.

A Little Chili

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in chili, comedy, free food, Hard Times Cafe, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, National Chili Day

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Happy National Chili Day to you and yours. I just got back from the Hard Times Cafe, where I did my patriotic duty and enjoyed a free bowl of meat. That’s right, at the Hard Times Cafe, you got a free bowl of chili with any purchase. So, I washed down my glass of sweet tea with a heaping bowl of Texas chili. As I was wiping away the last crumbs of cornbread, the waitress said something that I found odd. She was a bit frazzled by the uptick in business on this glorious day and she told me that people can be mean when they get free food. They were getting indignant and angry upon finding out they had to pay extra for toppings, like sour cream and jalapenos. You ungrateful bastards. Free food is one of the most joyous things in this world, and you have to sully it with your pettiness. When a nice lady, working for tips, is good enough to bring free food to your table, you greet her with a smile. Don’t make her job harder by being petulant. When our forefathers declared today National Chili Day, they wanted to reward the people with a warm hearty bowl of goodness and allow us to share in the spirit of togetherness that free chili brings. Don’t get greedy. Enjoy your free chili and don’t look at the bowl as half empty.

See you Friday.

Picture Page

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Cracker Barrel, Hooters, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Michael Jackson, North Carolina, pictures

Hey there, ‘Redheads… They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Well, then this blog will contain roughly five thousand words. I was going through my camera after telling you about my trip to Calvert Cliffs, and I realized that I had a bunch of random shots on here that I’ve never shared. Mostly things I found odd or amusing during my comedy road trips. So, in the interest of padding the blog like a 14 year old girl’s bra on her first date, here we go…A typo? At a Hooters? I’m shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here. Either it was a typo or there was a Mothers Against Drunk Driving event going on. Everybody else seemed all for it, however.

I call this one, “Sweet Victory, Sweet Tea.”

Here’s a creepy wall of puppets I found at J*R Discount Outlet that should adequately haunt your nightmares.

No comment.

Here’s a receipt I got at a Donato’s in Lake Norman, NC. Check out how the girl behind the counter chose to spell my name. JARADD. I don’t mind that she mixed up the vowels, but what’s up with the double D? I’ve never seen anyone stutter at the end of someone’s name before. It looks like I’m a henchman in a skateboard gang. I’ve seen many misspellings of my name, but I’ve never seen it turned into a Picasso like that before.

And, finally, here’s a prize that was available at the North Carolina State Fair. A stuffed Michael Jackson. Let’s get beyond the irony of winning a stuffed MJ for your child to cuddle with. I’ve never seen a stuffed version of an ACTUAL PERSON. Characters, sure, but last time I checked, Michael Jackson wasn’t fictional. Happy Black History Month, by the way. Stay classy, North Carolina. Sheesh.

See you Thursday…

Alone Time

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Don Pardo, Dreamcast, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Libya, Sega, Shining Force, travel advisory
Hey there, ‘Redheads… This installment of the blog may be more of a rambling mess than usual. My girlfriend is gone on a business trip to sunny San Diego and I’ve been left to my own devices. One device in particular, my Sega Dreamcast, has been occupying the bulk of my time since I got home from work. And I wasn’t even playing a game from when Dreamcast was new. I was frying my eyeballs playing Shining Force, which originally came out when I graduated high school. Still holds up. Since I don’t have to divide my attention between it and her, I decided to plug in and make up for a couple days of neglect. She gets flowers, it gets its buttons mashed. Games like that eat time and in that time, you forget to eat. Want a great diet plan? Get invested in a turn based RPG. Your eyes will be a little sunken, and your complexion might get a little pallid, but the rapid eye movement really burns the calories. In the blink of a bloodshot eye, three hours were gone. It was only because I set an alarm that I realized that I needed to get typing to make my arbitrary deadline. Anywho, I’m done interacting with the imaginary forces of good and evil and I’m ready to interact with you, my imaginary readers.

Happy 93rd Birthday to legendary television voice, Don Pardo. He’s been the voice behind countless TV programs and gameshows, including Saturday Night Live, which he continues to do even in his 90’s. Here’s a fun trivia question for you. Don Pardo is one of only two people to have a lifetime contract with NBC. Can you name the other person? If you answer it correctly, Mr Pardo would tell you that you’ve won a twenty volume set of the Encyclopedia International, a case of Turtle Wax, and a year’s supply of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat. But that’s not all!

The State Department has issued a travel warning for Libya. Great, now Spring Break is ruined. Do you really have to tell people not to go to Libya? Maybe there is some hidden exotic destination somewhere over there, but even if you get a great rate from Travelocity, I’m pretty sure most people will be able to pass on the deal. If you have your bags packed and have your Southwest boarding pass tucked in your jacket pocket and it takes a State Department travel advisory to tell you it might be a bad idea to check out Six Flags Over Tripoli, they should just stamp your passport with a big red DUMBASS. Just sayin‘ is all.

See you Wednesday…

Prez Dispenser

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Calvert Cliffs, comedy, gym, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Martin Van Buren, President's Day

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Happy President’s Day to you and yours. The day when we celebrate the presidents of the past, like George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, and the presidents of the modern day, like David Palmer and Bill Pullman from Independence Day. It’s because of them that we’re able to get such great deals on mattresses and cars. While some presidents are well known to us, there are some that remain a mystery…

So, here’s my gym update thus far. I’ve been going and sticking to the regimen that the trainer showed me. I tried to kick it up a notch and take a cardio kickboxing class today. Here’s a sure sign that such a class is not for you: your field of vision starts to narrow five minutes in. Holy crap, am I out of shape. My girlfriend tells me that the burning in my lungs was normal, but that was red flag for me. I gave it what I could before stumbling out of the class to try to catch my breath, which left a couple minutes before.

On Sunday, my gal and I embarked on a road trip. We flipped a series of coins to figure out which direction to go, and south won. We ended up at Calvert Cliffs State Park…It was pretty scenic. It was a picturesque (because I took pictures) two mile hike out to the cliffs, which were essentially carved out of years of erosion. They were made of sand and clay. People are encouraged to dig through the layers to try and find fossilized shark teeth and such. I had been spoiled for nature after my visit to the Grand Canyon last year, but enough time had past that I wasn’t so jaded that this wasn’t cool to look at. Nature is fun, when it’s not trying to kill you. Here are some other shots from our hike…I’m a regular Ansel Adams. Anyway, it’s a fun way to spend a Sunday if you’ve got nothing to do. It was about an hour and a half drive and Solomon’s Island is right near by, if you dig seafood.

See you Tuesday.

Friday Night Videos

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, video, weather, wind

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Another gorgeous day in DC-land. Ice cream men and women got themselves a bonus day to peddle popscicles if they were able to wake from their hibernation, wipe the sleep out of their eyes, and jump start the truck. Everyone was out and about today, test driving frisbees and letting children off their leashes to frolic. I hope you got your lazy butts outside and cleansed your insides with some fresh spring-like air. If you did, cherish it because in a matter of moments that fresh air is going to whip up 50+ mile per hour winds and try to forcibly take that breath back. I’d like to go a week without the weather forecast including something out of a biblical wrath story. Topper Shutt might as when grow a beard like Evan Almighty at this point. You’ve enjoyed the good, so now it’s time to hunker down and outlast the oncoming bad. To that end, for your viewing pleasure, and so I don’t have to type as much, I offer some shiny moving pictures to gawk at rather than twist in the wind…

I give you action…

I give you sarcasm…

And I give you kids saying the darndest things…

Are you not entertained? Then go fly a kite. Except tonight, the kite flies you. I don’t know what I’m talking about either. See you Monday.

Hot Hot Hot

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, heat, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Jeopardy, Ken Jennings

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Urp. Excuse me. I am stuffed. I just got done having hipster fish n’ chips: sushi and tater tots. Do yourself a favor, if you ever get to Sticky Rice on H St, order the Bucket of Tots. Food is always better when served in a bucket. That’s sage advice from the Colonel to me to you. I hope everyone is enjoying this sudden onset of beautiful weather in the DC area. Savor it. Drink it in. It’ll probably snow next week. Remember, if you don’t like the weather in DC, wait a minute. There’s a scientific reason why we’re heating up. No, not global warming, silly. The sun is trying to kill us…

A magnitude X2.2 solar flare that occurred on Monday will reach Earth during the late hours of February 17th, with the potential for geomagnetic storms and spectacular views of the aurora borealis, or the northern lights. This latest solar flare happens to be the strongest unleashed by the sun in nearly four years.

Yeah, so enjoy the sixty degree weather, because apparently we’re being preheated. Somebody call Michael Bay, Bruce Willis, and Steven Tyler. They’re the only ones that can save us. The flare could potentially wreak havoc with GPS satellites and electronic devices. Thanks for not letting that havoc keep you from reading the blog, by the way. You guys are real troopers. One thing I’m sure of, somebody’s getting superpowers out of this.

Speaking of things trying to kill us, Watson, IBM’s gameshow murderbot, took the first step toward overthrowing humanity and crushed two of our biggest nerds on Jeopardy. The last three days was just so IBM could show off their vast improvement on the Magic 8-ball. All that was missing was someone putting a top hat on it and having it sing “Puttin‘ on the Ritz.” With defeat imminent, Ken Jennings took it all in stride…I think Ken then challenged Watson to a foot race. Or thumb wrestling. We’re doomed.

But, at least tomorrow is Friday. ‘Til then.

Take a Look, It’s in a Book…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in books, Chapter 11, comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern

Hey there ‘Redheads… Happy Hump Day to you and yours. Since I started writing this blog on a weekdaily basis, you might have noticed that, on some days, the content can be a little thin. There’ve been some days where flies have been buzzing around the blog’s eyes. So, I’m a big fan when the news drops a turnip in my lap from which I can squeeze some blood…

From the Washington Post: Yet another analog bookseller has taken a step closer to a digital demise. Borders filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy this morning, hoping to restructure its finances and reboot its operations.

That’s right, folks, Borders has filed for Chapter 11. Why don’t they just wait for the movie to come out? I’m guessing that’s not Chapter 11 of “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” Don’t spoil it for me. I haven’t gotten past Chapter 3 yet. Gee, I wonder where Borders could find information about navigating a bankruptcy? If you go to a Borders and there’s a copy of “Bankruptcy For Dummies” left on the shelf, then they’re just not trying. I bet there’s at least one guy in Arizona who woke up this morning, saw the story about Borders closing and said, “‘Bout time.” What sucks is, most people probably read this story online. Everything is online now. I’m not writing this with a quill and ink. It’s only a matter of time before books are quaint relics. It stinks, but it’s true. Our culture is lazy, and books are heavy. You can put an entire library on an iPad now. This is bad news for a large segment of our economy. Makers of bookshelves and sassy bookmarks will have to find a new skill set. The loss of Borders is a mixed blessing, if you think about it. That’s one less place where people can buy Snooki’s book.

Speaking of light reading, I passed a sign on the beltway that said “DUI Enforcement Area”. That seems to imply that in every other area, they’ll just let it slide.

See you Thursday.

R.I.P. Inspector Kemp

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Kenneth Mars, Young Frankenstein

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Today, we lost another cast member from one of my favorite movies, Young Frankenstein. Actor, Kenneth Mars died today at the age of 75, from pancreatic cancer. Some of you may not recognize the name, but you’d recognize the face. He’s probably best known for his role in the original The Producers…

If you’ve never seen it, and you’ve been brainwashed by the remake that was spawned from the musical, do yourself a favor and shove it to the front of your Netflix queue. Bar none, one of the funniest movies ever made. As I mentioned before, he also had a prominent role in another movie that easily ranks in my top five, if no the top five, Young Frankenstein…

Come to think of it, that movie was turned into a musical too. Kenny, we hardly knew ye…

See you Wednesday…

Love is a Many Splendored Blog

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Jeopardy, love, Marvel Vs. Capcom 3, salsa dog, Thin Mints, Valentine's Day, Watson

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Love is in the air, everywhere you look around. Happy Valentine’s Day to all of my readers. I hope you all took advantage of the first bona fide beautiful day of 2011 and shared some time with your respective sweeties. And an extra special Valentine’s Day wish for the special gal who puts up with my daily shenanigans. She finds my crass mannerisms cute and adorable, and if this blog was the highest rooftop, I’d be happy to loudly proclaim that I love her. We just got done eating heart shaped ravioli. I’ll give you a moment to grab your insulin. We should celebrate love, while we still have semi-exclusive rights to it. Pretty soon, IBM will find a way to hard wire it into a computer and show it off on The Newlywed Game. I don’t know if you watched Watson, the IBM computer, compete on Jeopardy tonight, but humanity is holding its own so far. Part two of the show airs tomorrow night, and you owe it to the species to root against this infant version of Skynet. When it gets to Final Jeopardy, I’m guessing it’s final wager will be us. Until that day, when our laptops recharge their batteries with our blood, celebrate love.

Love comes in many forms. As I rediscovered over the weekend, love is a Thin Mint. I turned the corner at Eastern Market, and I heard a chorus of angels as the folding table with its crunchy sweet boxes of happiness appeared before me. Sure, the Girl Scouts have jacked up the price another fifty cents, but would you let fifty cents keep you from bliss? I think not. And ignore the serving size they put on there. Four cookies? Pshaw. One sleeve is the recommended serving.

There is also love between a man and his dog, and I’ve never seen that love expressed so purely as it is in this video…

I smell a cross over between Dancing With The Stars and Animal Planet. Just don’t ask me where I smell it.

Today is not only Valentine’s Day, of course. Another big event happened today. The release of Marvel vs. Capcom 3…

I’ve been waiting a long time to mainline this game into my eyeballs. I welcome whatever seizures may come with it. Maybe I was wrong about Watson. Maybe the machines will just use games like this to turn our brains into tapioca pudding. Whatever, I like pudding.

See you Tuesday…