Live Free Or Blog Hard

Hey there ‘Redheads… Long time, no type. Sorry about that. Summertime, and the living is easy and whatnot. Luckily, the blog lag has given me a backlog of crap to spread on cracker and feed you (yummy). So far, June has been a pretty clean month for me, in that it’s been uncontaminated by comedy work. Business picks up in July and August. For your stalking convenience, feel free to print this on the back of a t-shirt…

July 13-14 @ the Funny Farm in Youngstown, OH
July 19-21 @ the Baltimore Comedy Factory
July 27 @ the Mid-Atlantic Comedy Smorgasbord in Frederick, MD
August 10-11 @ Cozzy’s in Newport News, VA
August 24-25 @ Banana’s in Hasbrouck Heights, NJ

Follow me like Phish…I’ll try to fit in a 30 minute jam session somewhere during my show.

Where do I begin… Well, let me start off by saying to anyone who was on I-95S between Delaware and Baltimore on Sunday night, FUCK YOU, YOU BRAKE TAPPING WINDOW LICKERS. Allow me to elaborate. I was on my way home from an extended visit with my impossibly cute nephew, Mo (pictures soon to follow) up in Philly. I was caught in the expected snarl of traffic that bottle necks at the toll right as you get out of Delaware. I was passing the time by doing shadow puppetry on the tailgate of the truck in front of me (that’s what YouTube was when I was a kid…damn whippersnappers). Y’ know that feeling of liberation as you get out of that kind of traffic? You pay the toll and there’s nothing but open road in front of you….BOOOOOOOOOORNNNN FREEEEEEEE…you hit the gas and you feel like Chewie just made the jump to lightspeed as the lane lines blur past you. Cruise control is set, you’re ready to make up some lost time, and then you SLAM ON THE GODDAMN BRAKES because some doddering shmuck is doing 65 in the left lane. Hey, putz in the Chevy Impediment, move over or I’ll find a way through you. If you’re going the speed limit in the left lane of a major thru-way, you’re a hazard. And what’s worse, is these puttering malignancies don’t look in their rear-view mirror, because objects are larger than they appear and they’ll just look like a bigger twit, so they can’t see me closing in. Now, I’m pretty mild when it comes to highway driving…my rule of thumb is 10mph over whatever is posted…not life-threatening. I’m happy to abdicate my patch of pavement if someone is coming up behind me at a faster clip…it’s the courteous thing to do. You move over, the flow of traffic keeps flowing, and everyone’s happy. Instead you get these rolling blockades that tap their brakes like Savion Glover on meth with nothing in front of them but their own bleak futures.
Aaaah…catharsis. Here’s a double dose of cute to take the edge off of that bit of road rage…

Seriously, you can’t dispute the cute of this particular patootie. Much peek-a-boo was played. I got so good at it, that even I didn’t know where I was. For a little while, my parents and I were left with the task of feeding the little guy while mom and dad ran a couple of errands. A sumptuous meal of strained sweet potatoes and vitamin-enriched yogurt was on the menu. We put on his bib and put him in his baby butler and proceeded to make a complete mess trying to guide the nummy nummy airplane into the hangar. We thought we were doing pretty well…until Mo decided it was time to get cranky. Wow, did he pitch a fit…contorting his little face into something out of an Edvard Munch rough draft. So, off with the bib and I picked him up to calm him down…as soon as he was up, he started smiling. The little faker was playing us like a fiddle…or a rattle anyway. So it went. We’d put the bib back on, get a few more spoonfuls in, then he’d wig out and I’d pick him up again. I like the kid’s policy…eat ’til you cry. Try it sometime…it takes longer as an adult.

Before I forget, I’d like to extend a big thanks to the fine folks at the DC Improv for including me in their first ever Variety Showcase. It featured stand-up, improv, sketch, and multi-media comedic endeavors. They showcased two of the videos that I did with comic compadre, Chris White. It was very cool to see Never Can Say Goodbye and Good Directions (both conveniently linked to your right) played in front of a nearly packed house and hearing them laugh loudly. Warmed my cockels. The evening was hosted by international raconteurs, Larry Poon and Jim Marsdale. Good guys. Larry had a bra thrown at him. It was that kind of night.

Also, please join me in wishing a bon voyage to the man of 1000 voices (and at least 5 kinds of facial hair), Danny Rouhier, who’s heading off to seek his fortune in the Big Apple. Fear not, though, he’ll be popping back up in the area…like funny herpes. The DC area will get flare ups over the coming months, but shouldn’t stop us from canoeing or hot-air ballooning or biking. Although, we should be more careful, seeing as how we just gave him to NY. We’re a dirty dirty comedy community. Supportive, but dirty…we should get checked out. I had the pleasure of seeing Danny off at a little not-quite-surprise get together over the weekend. Jay Hastings, Kojo Mante, Larry Poon, and myself represented the comedy circle of Danny’s massive Venn diagram of friends. One of the larger circles in there was of chicas mas caliente. In a sea of hot ladies, we were an island of awkwardness. It was like a study in social dysfunction. We just found a patch of floor and huddled around it while we drank and talked shit. Somebody intervene.

By the way, if you’re not busy this Thursday night, go check out the debut of a brand new comedy showcase in Adams Morgan, cleverly titled The Bomb Shelter. It’s at 18th & Red. It’ll feature 4 or 5 of the area’s best doing solid 15 minute sets. I’m not sure what time it starts, but 8 is a safe bet. Best of all, it’s FREE. So, your good time is guaranteed or…your…time back. I’ll get to work on the flux capacitor, you just go have a good time.

That’s all for now. I’ll try not to keep you waiting for the next one. If we don’t talk before the holiday, may the 4th be with you.

To be continued…

Blogado Gigante 3

Hey there ‘Redheads… Welcome to the third Blogado Gigante, where I try to cram roughly 6 1/2 pounds of crap into this 5 pound bag I call a blog. This one’ll be chock full of derring do, funny video, and even a few words strung together into coherent sentences (only the best for you). This will probably be the last B.O.U.S. (blog of unusual size) for a little while, mostly because the well of interesting things, where most blog-worthy items are kept (constantly rubbing the lotion on their skin…), is looking kind of dry for the remainder of June. Savor this bucket, is all I’m sayin‘. Anyway, now that the obligatory excusions are out of the way…on to the fiesta.

First of all, a hearty congratulations to my comedy compatriot, Chris White, on his network television debut on last night’s premiere episode of NBC’s Last Comic Standing. They gave him some boku freckled face time in the NY segment. Not only did they feature his audition, but he was given a couple behind-the-scenes confessional moments too. If you didn’t catch the show, fear not, they’re rerunning it Sunday night at 9:00…and, like any NBC reality show, it’ll be running on a friggin‘ loop on Bravo between Kathy Griffin specials and Inside the Actors Studio. First NBC’s Last Comic StandingHBO’s Real Sex can’t be far behind. It’s been cool to see some locals on a national stage. Rory Scovel recently rocked Comedy Central’s Live at Gotham. And, you can see Danny Rouhier in theaters everywhere this weekend as The Human Torch in Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Good talk, Doom.

So, on Sunday, I checked another item off my 100 Things To Do Before I Die list… I hang-glid…hang-glode…hang-glidded…strapped myself to a kite at 2500 feet (I’ll learn how to conjugate it at some point). Sweet buttery Jesus, was it fun. Exhilarating…like, Sprite commercial refreshing. Now, when I signed up for this little excursion, my knowledge of the activity was pretty basic…hold on to this big-ass paper airplane and jump off a cliff. Luckily, there’s a bit more to it than that, including a sleeping bag-like safety harness. I was also wrong about how to start gliding. Instead of jumping off a precipice, you get towed by a mini-plane. It’s as cool as it sounds. Unfortunately, the on-board cameras were on the fritz, so I didn’t get any in-flight pics, but here’s a look at the prep for take-off and after the landing…

Turn and cough.

Believe it or not, it’s just me…sing along.

Yes, I’m the putz who wears a Superman shirt hang gliding.

Damn…I left my keys up there.

It was a 15 or so minute flight, complete with a lesson in steering (which is surprisingly easy). I recommend this to everybody. It’s seven kinds of awesome. Do yourself a favor and check out the guys at Highland Aerosports, you won’t regret it.

On Saturday, I made a reluctant return to a venue I played about three years ago, when I was first dipping my toe into the bitter cold lake of road comicry. It’s a one-nighter on the outskirts of Baltimore in Brooklyn, MD. When I did this gig last time, I was a jittery MC who was out of his depth when faced with a crowd who wasn’t exactly into subtlety. It was a freakin‘ mouth-breathers convention…a 10 minute long turdburger of a set as my punchlines flew over their heads and splatted on the back wall. So, when I got the call to go back as the middle act, I didn’t relish the idea of hitting the potential 30 minute turd buffet that lay ahead. When I got there, I surveyed the room, a quaint little hall, seating about 100 folk. Upon first inspection, they seemed like they had a good collective head on their shoulders. My bewilderment was slowly subsiding, but I still kept my expectations limbo-champion low. Then I got a chance to meet the other comics on the bill, Ray Culver, Joe Fulton, and the headliner, Johnny Watson. As we made small talk, I found that he was in the same mind set that I was, ending every other exchange with the phrase, “Well, we’ll see how they are…” The show started and the MC got things off to an expected tepid start, mostly because he was focusing less on material and more on engaging people in conversation. He finished well, and then handed things off to me. Whatever I was expecting was flipped on its ear in a Twilight Zone ending of a reversal. These people were great. They laughed at everything, from the excremental to the semantic, with zeal. And not only were they a fun crowd, but they bought 7 CDs. Goes to show you never can tell…just do your act and have fun.

Like most of you, I like me weird sports names. The best example being offensive tackle, D’Brickashaw Ferguson of the NY Jets. Well, I found a new gem in the world of baseball. Boof Bonser. I think he’s a pitcher for Cleveland. Boof. Five bucks says this dude is Australian. The same people who brought you Yahoo Serious. He’s onomatopoeia. Apparently, his parents were fans of the 60’s Batman TV show. Just ask his sister, Kazowie.


Before I close up the blog shop, here are a couple moving pictures for your retinal pleasure…
This first one is for the Monty Python fans out there. This is a brilliant premise for a video prank. The set-up is included in the video, but it’s an ingenious reversal of fortune against those Nigerian scam artists that pollute the internet. Check it out…

The second is the latest video collaboration with the aforementioned Chris White (our other vids are conveniently linked to your right). It involves a first date and an in-dash navigation system…a sure-fire comedy combo. Trust me, it’s funny…and short. Please to be hitting the left click and enjoying Good Directions

To be continued…

Blogado Gigante 2

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I hope everyone had a great couple of weekends. The details of mine are forthcoming. Lucky for the both of us, they might actually be worth a glance. This installment is chock full of positive mojo…so, feel free to grab a little vicarious pick-me-up. For those of you keeping track, we’ll be working backwards from this past weekend. And away we go…

Big thanks to Vera, John, Pat and the rest of the great staff of Banana’s Comedy Club in Poughkeepsie, NY. I had the distinct pleasure of working with Joe Devito and fellow local funnyman, Big Al Goodwin. The club has been around in various locations since 1984, and a lot of big time comedy stars have passed through their doors. And, like any established club, every once and awhile a big name will stop by for a guest set. Friday night was one of those once in awhiles, when former SNL’er Jimmy Fallon popped in with his guitar to strum his new song, Car Wash For Peace, the proceeds of which benefit the troops. My opinion of Mr. Fallon has increased exponentially. He stayed for the whole show, stuck around to take pictures, and he insisted on buying my and Al’s CD…paying with a $20 and refusing change. I signed the CD, “Jimmy, I have a feeling you’re going to make it…” (and I slipped in a business card).

Hopefully, this will be the poster for Taxi 2: Fare Game

To kill time on Saturday, Al and I went mall-walking. A couple observations… Did you know Best Buy sold books? Maybe out of guilt. Seems to me that Best Buy trafficks in the downfall of the written word. It’s like selling baby rattles at an abortion clinic (that was harsh). Y’know what’d be the perfect book for Best Buy…a high-definition dictionary.
Generally, mall-walking is supposed to burn calories, but all that was shot to hell when we happened upon a girl scout troop peddling their boxes of crunchy goodness. Nothing brightens your day like the chocolate encrusted smile that comes from eating a sleeve of Thin Mints, which should be the serving size, by the way.
After we got done at the galleria, we drove a bit further down the road to the local ghetto mall, where they had a rare sight in these times of bloated overpriced movie megaplexes, the $2 theatre. We checked out 300 with the appropriate level of expectations, since we didn’t blow a 10 spot on a ticket. I enjoyed it, but it wasn’t the kind of mind-blowing cinematic experience some people made it out to be. It was like Gladiator meets Braveheart meets a Tae-Bo workout tape…and one, and spear-thrust, and two, and SPARTA!! Abs you could grate cheese on…sheesh. Leonidas was a great king for one reason and one reason only…Sparta had an amazing dental plan.

Belated congratulations to all those who participated in the showcase finals at the DC Improv last week. It was a solid show, top to bottom. Pete Bergen, Kojo Mante, Tim Miller, John McBride, Jason Weems, Aparna Nancherla, and Mike Way kept the stream of funny steady and strong. Any one of five different people could’ve taken home the grand prize without any dispute. That distinction went to Mike Way. After the show, a bunch of us went to Lucky Bar and ended up tipping back a few with some of the Improv staff at the outdoor portion of the bar, where the comedy of DC drunken street-life picked up the slack after the show was over. The shadow-boxing homeless guy opened for the emergency vehicles responding to an incident inside the posh club next door. As soon as the ambulance pulled up, our table took odds on whether the drunk idiot being rescued was a guy or a girl. We seriously took a collection of $5 bets from everyone at the table who picked one or the other. When a girl was escorted out with her head bandaged, we applauded wildly, clinked our glasses, and divied up our meager winnings. The next act was a drunk who stumbled out of the club, one step shy of declaring himself a golden god, and stood about a foot away from one of the responding police cars, with his arms outstretched…almost like he was challenging his reflection. He was promptly put in a choke hold by one of his buddies, trying to keep him from being arrested. They were both cited. Good times.

Speaking of which, big thanks to Allyson, Red, Michelle, and rest of the awesome peeps at the DC Improv for an amazing slate of shows with Louis CK. Holy crap. Six straight sold out crowds. I was spoiled rotten, what with all the laughter and whatnot. Those of you who’ve had the pleasure have seen the “Wall of Shame” that is scrawled with sharpie comedian graffiti…essentially “I was here” stuff. On the lower plank, someone wrote, “You probably won’t make it, but that’s ok…” Why I found this oddly comforting, I have no idea, but it seemed to help me loosen up. It was awesome to watch Louis CK work night to night. And when he wasn’t working on-stage, he was busy editing a TV show or a previous night’s set on his Mac in the green room. I supposed it shouldn’t have taken me this long to realize that we’re at work when we do these gigs, and he takes it seriously. I talked to him maybe once or twice during the weekend, but I didn’t want to bother him. I also had the pleasure of working with Joe Bublewiscz (pronounced Bubble-witz). This weekend also marked a new beginning for me in the technological landscape…I renounced my Amish tendencies and finally bought a damn video camera. I put this on the last teaser blog, but here again is a short clip from one of my sets from that weekend…

Once I get a little more familiar with the editing program, I’ll start doing videoblogs and other projects. If you could pretend to care, it would be greatly appreciated. By the way, if you missed it last time, please to check out my horrible overacting in the latest comedic collaboration with Chris White, The Best Medicine

Make sure to check out Owen Wilson stunt double, Rory Scovel, in his television debut on Comedy Central’s Live at Gotham this Friday night. Click the link for a sneak peek.

To be continued…

A Blog Before Blogging

Hey there ‘Redheads… My apologies for the delay. This past week has been super busy and I’ve had very little time to sit down at the keyboard for any non-porn related activities. I did want to give you a little something to tide you over for the weekend before I hit the road for Poughkeepsie, NY. Rest assured, when I get back, you’ll get another massive installment covering this weekend, last weekend, and the days that fell in between. It’ll be a biggun. In the meantime, here’s a small video sampling of the killing spree that was my weekend hosting at the DC Improv

And if that wasn’t enough, check out the latest video collaboration with my good buddy, Chris White. Note my crappy acting and robotic gesticulation (that means hand movement, you pervs). Enjoy…

Lots more on Monday…promise.

To be continued…