Unfinished Blogness

Hey there ‘Redheads… One of these blogs, I swear it won’t be necessary for me to apologize for my abject neglect. That blog is coming, but it ain’t this one… Sorry for the unacceptable lag in updates. Once again, it’s been proven that I can’t wait to procrastinate. Blogtober ended up with a downright paltry three entries, without a decent Halloween blog. Well, in an effort to snake out all of the backlogged blather, I give you a blog so bloated, so crammed to the gills, that it may too much for your eyes to handle in one sitting. You may need a bloggy bag. I’ve got enough stuff here to fill 3 or 4 installments. I’m of two minds as to how I should foist this upon you. Either I’ll give it to you in three heaping helpings over the week or I’ll combine all of it into a blog Devastator. We’ll see how quickly carpal tunnel sets in. Onward…

I hope everyone had a happy Monday. I’ve never understood why Mondays get such a bad rap. If your life is so crappy, that you cease to have fun once the week starts, maybe it’s not just time that isn’t your friend. I digress. This blog is about living in the then. Specifically, the then of roughly a week ago, Halloween. Like with everything else, I waited ’til the last minute and between plans and potential costume ideas, I was waffling more than the breakfast buffet at the Belgian Embassy. Luckily, my buddy Seth came through for me with a costume…

I was a glow-in-the-dork. Comic book fans will recognize me as the mechanized millionaire playboy, Tony Stark…if he were a nebbishy tub of goo. Once the costume was set, I needed a place to get my ‘ween on. If nothing materialized, I would’ve been more than happy with checking out a good zombie movie, like Zombieland or This Is It. Thankfully, since my friends haven’t tired of me just yet, I was allowed to tag along to a party in DC. I must admit, I thoroughly enjoyed hailing cabs with my light-up hand piece. We got to the party, which was being held in a one bedroom apartment…with a DJ. The place was packed, loud, and hot, three things that aren’t necessarily conducive to fun for me, since I’m a closet claustrophobic. I felt sorry for the people with large, unwieldy costume elements, like my buddy Joe, who went as Captain America, including the shield. Or my girlfriend, who went as an art gallery, which consisted of a sandwich board of two canvases…

The bulk of my evening was spent explaining either who I was or how my costume worked. The get up was much more impressive in the dark, but even then there were a bunch of people, mostly ladies, who had no clue. One gal, when I told her I was Iron Man, responded, “The race?” There was a surprising lack of dead celebrities in attendance. The only one I spotted was a David Carradine, in a Japanese robe and tasteful noose. There was no shortage of fellow crime fighters…

There was a small shortfall on dignity.

In the spirit of Halloween, such as it is on November 9th, here’s Sherman Helmsley (before he started calling plays for the Redskins) with a public service message…

My internet connection is being moody, so I’ll stop here and opt for the measured helpings throughout the week. Plenty more on the way. ‘Til then…

Dorks In Their Natural Habitat

Hey there ‘Redheads… I hope everyone had a fluffy nougat-filled ‘ween. Mine was fun. When it came to my costume, I did more waffling than the breakfast buffet at the Belgian embassy. Should I go low effort and rehash the old “Clark Kent mid-change into Superman”, maybe go the cute route with a clown nose, or should I try something new? I decided on the latter, dusting off a neglected cloak that I picked up at the Renn Fest a couple years ago. From there it was whether I went the route of Jedi with my plastic light saber (I sense you’re judging me…stop it…I can feel your look) or try to adapt an idea I saw in a Speed Bump cartoon. Again, option B won out. I give you The Grim Raker…

I ditched the the rake shortly after that picture was taken. It was a pain in the ass to lug around. Plus, the number of eyes that thing could put out is staggering. I was a walking insurance claim. Cool cloak, though…I’m available for children’s parties, by the way. So, my friends and I decided to forgo the usual overpacked Halloween party for something a little different. We went to the Warehouse Theater to check out Diamond Dead, a zombie rock show. We had previously been to one other undead rock show, Bite, the topless vampire revue in Vegas. This one was about a rock band back from the dead with a concert within a show vibe. These were zombies for change…midway through the show, a Sarah Palin look-a-like performed her own musical number, stripping down to a red, white, and blue bikini, while humping her toy shotgun. She was eventually disemboweled and eaten by the band. I’m sure that statement will seal up the flesh-eating demographic for Obama.

On to the title of the blog. Like many of you, I am a Facebookworm (patent pending). My day isn’t complete without sharing my status with my legion of digital chums. Well, on Friday, I posted this as my status: Jared Stern sleeps above the covers…FOUR FEET above the covers. A classic line from Ghostbusters. Here’s what that begat. Witness dorks in their natural habitat…

David D. at 12:20pm October 31
He barks, he drools….

Seth V. at 12:30pm October 31
It’s not Jared, Dave it’s the building

David D. at 12:34pm October 31
Cats and dogs…Living together!!! Mass hysteria!!

Seth V. at 12:44pm October 31
mother pussbucket….I could do this all day long

David D. at 12:46pm October 31
Yes, it’s true….this man is a dick…serve back to you, Seth…

Seth V. at 12:49pm October 31
I think the quote is…
everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here
they caused an explosion
is this true
yes it’s true …this man has no dick

Good lord I need help

Jared S. at 1:05pm October 31
Tell him about the twinkie…

Seth V. at 1:08pm October 31
well lets say this twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York Area…Based on this mornings reading it would be a twinkie 35 feet long weighing approximately 600 pounds

David D. at 1:08pm October 31
Let’s show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown….

David D. at 1:08pm October 31
that’s a big twinkie…

Seth V. at 1:10pm October 31
we’ve been going about this all wrong, this mr stay puffs okay, he’s a sailor, he’s in new york we get this guy laid we won’t have any trouble

David D. at 1:10pm October 31
I looked at the trap, Ray…

Seth V. at 1:13pm October 31
Symmetrical book stacking…Just like the Philadelphia turbulence of 1947…You’re right no human being could stack books like this

Jared S. at 1:13pm October 31
I collect spores, molds, and fungus

Seth V. at 1:15pm October 31
Listen….do you smell something

David D. at 1:17pm October 31
Ray, when somebody asks if you are a god, you say YES!

Jared S. at 1:20pm October 31
Do you want some coffee?
Do I?
Yes, have some.
Yes, have some…

David D. at 1:24pm October 31
Remember? The nice lady who paid us in advance before she became a dog…

Seth V. at 1:25pm October 31
Well this is great, if the ionization rates are constant for ectoplasmic entities… we can really bust some heads….in the spiritual sense, of course

David D. at 1:32pm October 31
Jared, your status message has satiated the beast that hungered within me…

Seth V. at 1:33pm October 31
Yes, thank you Jared

Patrick S. at 1:40pm October 31
Are you, Jared, menstruating right now?

Seth V. at 1:43pm October 31
What does that have to do with it?
Back off man, I’m a scientist

David D. at 2:00pm October 31
Ok, who brought the dog?

Todd B. at 2:01pm October 31
That’s Nova Scotia salmon. The real thing. It costs $24.95 a pound but really $12.48 a pound net after tax. I’m writing this whole party off as a promotional expense. That’s why I invited clients instead of friends. Try that Brie, it’s dynamite at room temperature. Maybe I should turn the heat up a bit …

Todd B. at 2:02pm October 31
Everybody, this is Ted and Annette Fleming. Ted has a small carpet cleaning business in receivership, but Annette is drawing a salary from a deferred bonus from two years ago and the house has $15,000 left at eight percent.

Jared S. at 2:04pm October 31
Where do these stairs go…?
They go up.

David D. at 2:08pm October 31
-What are you supposed to be, some kinda cosmonaut?
-No, we’re exterminators. Someone saw a cockroach up on 12.
-That’s gotta be some cockroach.
-Bite your head off, man…

David D. at 2:11pm October 31
-Ray has gone bye-bye, Egon…what have you got left?
-Sorry, Peter- I’m terrified beyond all capacity for rational thought…

Seth V. at 2:12pm October 31
Hi this is Larry King, the phone in topic…Ghosts and Ghostbusting. The controversy builds more sightings are reported. Some maintain that these professional paranormal eliminators are the cause of it all

Jared S. at 2:13pm October 31
Hello. I’m Peter. Where are you from…originally?

Seth V. at 2:14pm October 31
Is it possible that we have blown this way out of proportion and that Jared in fact does sleep four feet above his covers…using some sort of crazy rigging device that we just don’t know about?

David D. at 2:16pm October 31
-Egon, this reminds me of the time you tried to drill a hole through your head. Remember that?
-It would have worked if you hadn’t stopped me.

Seth V. at 2:19pm October 31
still making headlines across the country the ghostbusters are at it again this time at the fashionable dance club “the rose” The boys in gray slugged it out with a pretty pesky poltergeist and then stayed on to dance the night away with some lovely ladies who witnessed the disturbance…This is Casey Casem and now on with the countdown…..

Todd B. at 2:22pm October 31
I love this plan! I’m excited to be a part of it! LET’S DO IT!

Seth V. at 2:26pm October 31
I remember revelations 7:12 …and I looked and he opened the 6th seal and behold there was a great earthquake and the sun became as black as sackcloth and the moon became as blood

Jared S. at 2:31pm October 31
But if I’m right…Lenny, you will have saved the lives of millions of registered voters.

Jared S. at 2:34pm October 31
Who are you guys?
We’re the Ghostbusters
Who does your taxes?

Seth V. at 2:40pm October 31
Are you troubled by strange noises in the night
Do you experience feeling of dread in your basement or attic
Have you or your family every seen a spook spectre or ghost
If the answer is yes then don’t wait another minute call the professionals Ghostbusters
Our courteous and efficient staff is on call 24 hours a day to serve all your supernatural elimination needs
We’re ready to believe you

Fin. Go vote.

The Horror…

Greetings ‘Redheads… In the spirit of ‘Ween, I offer you one of the most gruesome, horrifying, and soul-depleting pieces of video ever gazed upon by mortal man. Hit play at your peril, for this video has reduced the stoutest of hearts to quivering piles of mush. Remove your belt and shoelaces and hide any sharp objects, for the suicide rate of those who view this video in its entirety is close to 100%. You’ve been warned…

Still with me? Then enjoy this video proof that I’m a Were-Buscemi

Happy ‘Ween…

To be continued…