Category: shark

There’s Only One Blogtober

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Columbus Day, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, shark, Yom Kippur

Hey there ‘Redheads… Welcome back to Blogtober…being joined in progress, apparently. Kick off your shoes and get comfy. Perhaps you noticed the new title… I figured I’d try to spruce up the joint after three years, clean out the cobwebs, and give this mess a titular kick in the pants (yes, that sentence was just so I could use the word “titular”). I, myself, am fresh as a daisy after getting a year’s worth of sins power washed off my subconscious hull. I spent the day in synagogue for Yom Kippur. Atonement is a work out. Lots of standing up and sitting down…a prayer-master (patent pending), if you will. Anywho, my slate is clean. Time to start filling that sin quota. Speaking of which, I just got back from a particularly soul crushing hand at the poker table in my weekly league. I had 4-8 of clubs in the big blind and the short stack. The flop comes out J-8-3 with two clubs on the board. A couple of minimum bets of 600 come around the table and I call. The turn is an 8, giving me three of a kind with a suspect kicker. The bets jump up to 1200 and I call. The river is a 4, giving me a full house. I go all in. My buddy Seth, sitting next to me, calls, as does another guy. I’m ready to triple up. I giddily announce my boat. To which Seth replies, “Dude,” and turns over J-8. That’s what I refer to as a Jaws hand…I needed a bigger boat. Sorry for the poker lingo…just wanted to share my pain.

Happy Columbus Day to one and all. Anyone else find it mildly ironic that the Redskins got beat the day before Columbus Day? To make it a true tribute, the Rams should’ve renamed FedEx Field “Ramerica”. Or it should’ve been free whiskey and blanket day at the stadium.

Now, I realize that the world is falling apart around us. I get that many of you are looking for an escape from the bleak reality. A bright spot amidst the gloom. But, c’mon people…Beverly Hills Chihuahua?? Number one at the box office for a second week. I guess if you’re looking to put your brain in sleep mode for two hours, while you soak your soul in buttery-like product topping and Mexican stereotypes, then GOOOOAAAALLLLL, look no further. When I want an anthropomorphic dog movie to sooth my jangled nerves, I go a different direction..

Here’s a story that once again reaffirms my faith…

Shark “Virgin Birth” Confirmed
A female blacktip shark in Virginia fertilized her own egg without mating with a male shark, new DNA evidence shows. This is the second time scientists have used DNA testing to verify shark parthenogenesis—the process that allows females of some species to produce offspring without sperm.

…that God is a vicious eating machine. We’re going to need a bigger bible. That’s right, we may have witnessed the birth of Shark Jesus (yes, I resisted the urge to call him Jawsus…give me some credit). He’ll be able to turn water into chum, feed 5000 with just one surfer, and…swim on dry land.

A quick note just in case I completely shirk my blogging duties for the month. On Blogtober 25th, I’ll be part of a showcase in the DC Improv Comedy Lounge with John McBride, Sean Savoy, Roger Mursick, and Erik Myers. Click the link for tix and info. Should be a fun show.

Comedy kudos to fellow wordsmith, Mike Blejer, who is appearing at Off The Wall Comedy Club in Jerusalem on Wednesday. Very cool stuff. Be careful though, Mike. Over there, it’s the hecklers who bomb.

To be continued…

The Pal in Palindrome

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, shark

Welcome to the 111th installment of the chronicles of the Amiable Zany, ‘Redheads… As you know, arbitrary milestones are the 87 octane that this blog guzzles, so toss some confetti in the air for passing the 10,000 hit mark. Seeing as how most of those hits are me checking in to see how many hits there are, this fictional milestone is extra special to me…or something. As for the rest of you, thanks for reading.

Like all of the months on ’07, May is zooming by at a pretty brisk clip. The dog days of summer are living up to their name as seven seem to pass by as quickly as one. For me anyway, I find that the weeks pass quicker when I have something to look forward to. My apologies to the space-time continuum for having a big one starting Friday night, when I take the stage at the DC Improv for the first time in more than a year to open for Louis CK in front of 6 sold-out crowds. Yeah, my calendar has been a flip book. For those of you who’ve had the pleasure, you know that few crowds spoil you as a performer like a hot Improv crowd. Quick on the uptake and ready to laugh. I’m sifting through the finely polished turds of my sub-par material in the hopes that the shiniest nuggets make it into the set list…I’m playin’ the hits this weekend. If you’re there, feel free to sing along. Hopefully, I’ll have some video documentation of a few sets for those of you who would like to see me tell the same jokes with a different time stamp on the footage.

Before I wrap up this installment, here’s a news story that has renewed my faith…

Female shark reproduces without sex
A female hammerhead shark that gave birth without sex has put the bite into conventional wisdom about reproduction among large vertebrates, according to research published Wednesday. The discovery is the first known case of asexual reproduction in sharks but it also raises concerns about the genetic health of dwindling shark populations, they say.

…that God is a vicious eating machine. We’re going to need a bigger bible. That’s right, we may have witnessed the birth of Shark Jesus (yes, I resisted the urge to call him Jawsus…give me some credit). He’ll be able to turn water into chum, feed 5000 with just one surfer, and…swim on dry land.

To be continued…