Picture Page

Hey there, ‘Redheads… They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Well, then this blog will contain roughly five thousand words. I was going through my camera after telling you about my trip to Calvert Cliffs, and I realized that I had a bunch of random shots on here that I’ve never shared. Mostly things I found odd or amusing during my comedy road trips. So, in the interest of padding the blog like a 14 year old girl’s bra on her first date, here we go…A typo? At a Hooters? I’m shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here. Either it was a typo or there was a Mothers Against Drunk Driving event going on. Everybody else seemed all for it, however.

I call this one, “Sweet Victory, Sweet Tea.”

Here’s a creepy wall of puppets I found at J*R Discount Outlet that should adequately haunt your nightmares.

No comment.

Here’s a receipt I got at a Donato’s in Lake Norman, NC. Check out how the girl behind the counter chose to spell my name. JARADD. I don’t mind that she mixed up the vowels, but what’s up with the double D? I’ve never seen anyone stutter at the end of someone’s name before. It looks like I’m a henchman in a skateboard gang. I’ve seen many misspellings of my name, but I’ve never seen it turned into a Picasso like that before.

And, finally, here’s a prize that was available at the North Carolina State Fair. A stuffed Michael Jackson. Let’s get beyond the irony of winning a stuffed MJ for your child to cuddle with. I’ve never seen a stuffed version of an ACTUAL PERSON. Characters, sure, but last time I checked, Michael Jackson wasn’t fictional. Happy Black History Month, by the way. Stay classy, North Carolina. Sheesh.

See you Thursday…


Hey there ‘Redheads… Wow, what a week. We haven’t seen a celebrity whack-a-mole like this in quite some time. Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, and now Billy Mays are all preparing for the inevitable zombie uprising on the wrong team. Ed and Farrah were no surprise as both were in failing health. Michael was shocking but not surprising. The one that got me was Billy Mays. Has anyone checked on the whereabouts of Vince, the ShamWow guy? Speaking of which, I just found this gem…

Billy, we hardly knew ye… You were only available for a limited time.

I’m not going to do a bunch of jokes about the recently deceased…last week tore a chunk out of the pop culture iconography that I grew up with. Ed McMahon did wonders for my self-esteem, always letting me know that I might already be a winner. A lot of people don’t realize or remember that he hosted the television talent competition of the 80’s and 90’s. Before reality television brought us American Idol, Last Comic Standing, and America’s Next Top Model, there was Star Search. He also raised the role of second banana to an art form on the Tonight Show. I got a chance to meet Ed McMahon back during my DC101 morning radio days, he sat right across the console from where I was. Nice guy. He favored us with a short song, that they still use to close the show. It went, “The day is closed. Another day is gone from us. It’s gone away. It’ll be back tomorrow though. We’ll celebrate. Ho-ho. Ho-ho…” Here’s to ya, Ed.

Despite being oddly unaffected by the sudden news of Michael Jackson’s death, I couldn’t help but add to outpouring of memories and catchy status updates that flooded Facebook on Friday. Here are a couple pretty cool Michael Jackson mash-ups…

Sandman’s Scream (MJ vs. Metallica)

Only Billie (MJ vs. NIN)

The one memory of Michael Jackson that I have that’s worth sharing, is from back in 1987. This was right when he was teetering on the precipice of androgyny. I was watching his 3-D movie, Captain EO at Epcot Center. When MJ stepped on screen, I remember thinking, “I didn’t realize Sigourney Weaver was in this movie…”

On the lighter side of the news, I was checking out one of my favorite irreverent t-shirt websites, LoiterInk.com. They let people submit ideas and they turn the ones they like into stuff you can wear, while giving credit and royalties to whoever thought it up. Well, turns out they liked one of mine…

Voila! My idea splattered on a shirt. Pretty cool, huh? Morbid, but cool. If you’d like to wear some of this fresh to death irony, click here.

To be continued…

Blog #129

Hey there ‘Redheads… Welcome to November…only 53 procrastinating days left until 2008. I’d like my readers to rest assured that the Hollywood writers strike will have no adverse effect on the quality of this blog…it’ll be just as shitty as ever. I swung by my local 7-11 and rounded up a couple day laborers to pick up the slack. I hope the strike ends soon, though. I found this disturbing little tidbit in this morning’s USA Today

The clock has stopped on 24. Fox confirmed that the real-time thriller’s seventh season, which was to have run from January through May, will be delayed indefinitely. It is the first major casualty of the writers’ strike, in its third day Wednesday.

Get your shit together, Hollywood, before Keifer Sutherland gets hammered and starts torturing writers with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch. If it doesn’t get resolved soon, I’m here to offer the services of the writing team who brought you GUYS WATCHING 24. Pick our scabs.

Here’s another nugget of news that I found amusing…

Michael Jackson appears on the December 2007 of Ebony Magazine to celebrate the 25th anniversary of the world’s best-selling album, Thriller.

For the issue, the magazine will temporarily change its name to Irony. Really? Thriller is a great album, but Michael Jackson looks like the photo negative of an Ebony cover. Vincent Price has more color than Michael Jackson. He would look less out of place as the spokesman for Gap Kids.

‘Redheads, find yourself a piece of cake and a balloon and wish my impossibly cute nephew a happy birthday. He’s the big 0-1. Stand by for pictures from the par-tay…

I’ll give you some time to recover from that stampede of cute. Your senses are no doubt completely overloaded by this dimple dyna-mo. Since it was his 1st birthday, it took him a little while to realize that it was all for him. Once the presents got opened, I think it sunk in…MINE! I have to think that’s the predominant thought in a baby’s head anyway, but he seemed to noodle it through the he was even more special that day.

I plan on adopting Mo’s mentality in about a week, when I step off a plane and hit the strip in Las Vegas (I will NOT use the phrase “VEGAS BABY” at all…except for just then). I’ll be down there in support of my buddy, Chris White, who is taking part in the Las Vegas Comedy Festival. There will be much poker played. Hopefully, I won’t come home wearing a barrel. Can’t wait.

Tonight, I’m heading out to catch my friend’s band, Kid Goat, at the Quarry House Tavern. I’m excited, not only to see the band but because the Quarry House is right across the street from another place I’m eager to check out…Piratz Tavern. A pirate themed bar, with wench-themed waitresses. It’s Hooters with scurvy.

Finally, just in time for gas prices to get higher than a roadie for the Black Crowes, I’m hittin’ the road for a weekend of shows in the land of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton, PA. I’ll be at .Wisecracker’s trying to force feed laughter to the Scrantonians. If you’re in the area, come say hi.

To be continued…