Month: October 2008

‘Weener

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, fondue, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, jokes, McCain, Wachovia, Wells-Fargo

Hey hey ‘Redheads… Blogtober is just about dried up and ready to fall off the babbling tree, so this’ll most likely the last chance to squeeze in some mediocre bloggage. And away we go. Big thanks to the fine folks at the DC Improv for an amazing show in the Comedy Lounge. I had the pleasure of sharing the stage with some of DC’s finest, Nora Nolan, John McBride, Joe Robinson, and Erik Myers. Great sets and good times were had by all. I did something that went slightly against type for me…I gave some untested topical material a whirl. I know, be still your beating hearts, but I rarely go off-script without testing the punchlines with a control group and a placebo. I took some of the flat, two dimensional words from the last blog, and inflated them into out loud jokes with appropriate pauses. These specifically…

I have some problems with McCain, which are purely superficial, but that’s how I roll. First, he says “Warshington“. Learn to pronounce it first, then maybe we’ll let you live there. Also, he whistles his esses when he talks…irks the everloving crap out of me. When I close my eyes, Obama sounds presidential…McCain sounds like a cartoon squirrel. And have you seen Cindy McCain? She creeps me right the fuck out.

Obviously, I couldn’t use the pictures to illustrate Cindy McCain’s inherent creepiness on stage, so I came up with this verbal substitute…

She looks like someone spackled the Crypt Keeper.

The audio is up on my MySpace page, if you’d like the audio book version. After the show, some friends and I adjourned to the nearby Melting Pot to go wade in a chocolate jacuzzi. Everything tastes better dipped in lukewarm chocolate. The table conversation drops off a bit when the dipping is going on. It gets limited to the phrases “Wow, this is delicious”, “Holy crap this is good”, and “Someone pull Jared’s face out of the fondue pot.” The fondue magic was sullied toward the end of the evening, when I looked down to see two cockroaches scurry across the floor…they were delicious. The conversation turned to city vermin which eventually led to rats. The following sentence was then uttered by a young lady at our table, “Let me tell you how disgusting rats are. So, I was taking a piss in this alley in Boston…” She kinda trailed off when the rest of the table stared at her with our heads tilted slightly. Take your time and let it sink in. While you’re at it, riddle me this. What’s wrong with this item…?


Make sure to congratulate this young couple. Apparently, they have a time machine on their gift registry.

Wells-Fargo recently bought ailing bank, Wachovia. They’ll be opening a new bank called Well-Fachovia. I’ll be here all week. Tip your waitstaff.

Here’s one last bit of political video before we yank the levers on Tuesday…a blast from the roughly 8 years past…

Enjoy your ‘ween…

Blog-o-ganda

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Bruce Campbell, comedy, DC Improv, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Playboy, Sarah Palin, Terry Tate, vote

Hey there ‘Redheads… Wow, two whole entries in Blogtober…this thing is really picking up pile of steam…yep, it sure is a steaming pile. I was hoping to find time to hammer out some fresh bloggage and luckily, my cable went out…so here we are. As of the last installment, the economy was in shambles. The Dow sunk like a turd after a beef dinner. And just to show you that no one is immune to this financial faceplant, I found this story the other day…

Playboy to eliminate 55 jobs in cost-cutting move

Playboy Enterprises Inc disclosed in a Wednesday regulatory filing that upcoming cost-cutting measures will include eliminating 55 jobs at the Chicago publishing and entertainment concern. Playboy also included in the filing a copy of a “Dear Fellow Employees” letter sent out to workers Wednesday, in which Chairman and Chief Executive Christie Hefner said the economy’s deterioration make it “unavoidable that we reduce our cost structure to reflect current economic realities.” Hefner’s letter spells out a number of cost-cutting moves, including consolidating facilities and reducing travel outlays and overtime. “Unfortunately,” she continued, the changes will also mean the elimination of about 80 positions in the company…”

Wow. 80 positions. I hope they hang on to Reverse Cowgirl…that one’s a keeper. You know things are crappy when people can’t even afford to jerk off anymore. These are dark times we live in. Which is why it’s so important to vote. See, this is the kind of public (I said “public”) service announcement that’ll get people to the polls…use one hand to pull the lever, so the other may yank the crank (message pending approval).

I found a couple bits of video that’ve helped me make up my mind. Check out Obama at the Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation dinner. It’s ten minutes long, but it’s an engaging ten minutes…stick with it…

He crushed. I expected him to drop the mic and walk off stage when he was done. I’m not a big issue guy. When it comes to picking a presidential candidate, I’m like a girl on Match.com…sense of humor is, like, sooo important. I think it shows a capability for abstract thought that is important in a leader. Besides, in order to be effective, you have to be, at the very least, charismatic. I have some problems with McCain, which are purely superficial, but that’s how I roll. First, he says “Warshington”. Learn to pronounce it first, then maybe we’ll let you live there. Also, he whistles his esses when he talks…irks the everloving crap out of me. When I close my eyes, Obama sounds presidential…McCain sounds like a cartoon squirrel. And have you seen Cindy McCain? She creeps me right the fuck out. She looks like Goldie Hawn from Death Becomes Her…



And don’t get me started on Sarah Palin…

Ok, enough politics. Here’s one thing we can all agree on, Bruce Campbell is a bad ass. He’s got a new flick coming out soon, called My Name Is Bruce. I’ll let the trailer speak for itself…

It’s coming to DC for one night and one night only at the Landmark on E St. on November 15th. Save the date.

Before I go, I must plug the big comedy show at the DC Improv Comedy Lounge on Saturday. Myself, John McBride, Erik Myers, and Joe Robinson will be on stage for your viewing pleasure. The weather is supposed to be wet and miserable, so let a smile be your umbrella and come laugh at us. Click the link for tix and info.

To be continued…

There’s Only One Blogtober

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Columbus Day, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, shark, Yom Kippur

Hey there ‘Redheads… Welcome back to Blogtober…being joined in progress, apparently. Kick off your shoes and get comfy. Perhaps you noticed the new title… I figured I’d try to spruce up the joint after three years, clean out the cobwebs, and give this mess a titular kick in the pants (yes, that sentence was just so I could use the word “titular”). I, myself, am fresh as a daisy after getting a year’s worth of sins power washed off my subconscious hull. I spent the day in synagogue for Yom Kippur. Atonement is a work out. Lots of standing up and sitting down…a prayer-master (patent pending), if you will. Anywho, my slate is clean. Time to start filling that sin quota. Speaking of which, I just got back from a particularly soul crushing hand at the poker table in my weekly league. I had 4-8 of clubs in the big blind and the short stack. The flop comes out J-8-3 with two clubs on the board. A couple of minimum bets of 600 come around the table and I call. The turn is an 8, giving me three of a kind with a suspect kicker. The bets jump up to 1200 and I call. The river is a 4, giving me a full house. I go all in. My buddy Seth, sitting next to me, calls, as does another guy. I’m ready to triple up. I giddily announce my boat. To which Seth replies, “Dude,” and turns over J-8. That’s what I refer to as a Jaws hand…I needed a bigger boat. Sorry for the poker lingo…just wanted to share my pain.

Happy Columbus Day to one and all. Anyone else find it mildly ironic that the Redskins got beat the day before Columbus Day? To make it a true tribute, the Rams should’ve renamed FedEx Field “Ramerica”. Or it should’ve been free whiskey and blanket day at the stadium.

Now, I realize that the world is falling apart around us. I get that many of you are looking for an escape from the bleak reality. A bright spot amidst the gloom. But, c’mon people…Beverly Hills Chihuahua?? Number one at the box office for a second week. I guess if you’re looking to put your brain in sleep mode for two hours, while you soak your soul in buttery-like product topping and Mexican stereotypes, then GOOOOAAAALLLLL, look no further. When I want an anthropomorphic dog movie to sooth my jangled nerves, I go a different direction..

Here’s a story that once again reaffirms my faith…

Shark “Virgin Birth” Confirmed
A female blacktip shark in Virginia fertilized her own egg without mating with a male shark, new DNA evidence shows. This is the second time scientists have used DNA testing to verify shark parthenogenesis—the process that allows females of some species to produce offspring without sperm.

…that God is a vicious eating machine. We’re going to need a bigger bible. That’s right, we may have witnessed the birth of Shark Jesus (yes, I resisted the urge to call him Jawsus…give me some credit). He’ll be able to turn water into chum, feed 5000 with just one surfer, and…swim on dry land.

A quick note just in case I completely shirk my blogging duties for the month. On Blogtober 25th, I’ll be part of a showcase in the DC Improv Comedy Lounge with John McBride, Sean Savoy, Roger Mursick, and Erik Myers. Click the link for tix and info. Should be a fun show.

Comedy kudos to fellow wordsmith, Mike Blejer, who is appearing at Off The Wall Comedy Club in Jerusalem on Wednesday. Very cool stuff. Be careful though, Mike. Over there, it’s the hecklers who bomb.

To be continued…