Big Money, No Whammies

Hey gang. I’ll pretend you both noticed and cared that this entry is late and apologize accordingly. I just got back from a fun show at the Bucks County Playhouse in quaint New Hope, PA. I had the pleasure of working with my good buddy and frequent comedy co-star, Kelly Terranova, the funniest comedian in his price range. A good time was had by most.

Everybody dreams about having a dump truck full of cash emptied in front of their house. Sure, earning money is fine, but we’re a nation of dreamers, and dreaming takes no effort. Over the past couple weeks, I’ve missed out on a possible $1,400,001,500. Let me break that figure down for you. Many of you may have heard that Warren Buffett has offered up $1 billion for anyone who can fill-out a perfect bracket. Through the first four days of the tournament, only one bracket is still eligible for the prize. Some guy named Biff Tannen. That guy has a bright future.

I filled out a bracket, hoping to take my 1 in 9.5 quintillion shot at the contents of Scrooge McDuck’s couch cushions. My chances disintegrated after the first game, when Ohio State lost by one point to Dayton. $1 billion out the window. I’m horrible at picking these games. I had a couple 12 over 5 upsets, but those are easy to pick when 3 of the 4 5-seeds crap in their hat and get bounced. The tournament is great theater. The plucky underdog vs. the national powerhouse, over and over again. Once my brackets got busted for gambling purposes, I just started rooting for chaos. If I can’t be right, let’s see if I can be the least wrong. And sometimes it’s great to be wrong. I had Duke getting out of the first round and I’ve never been happier to watch my incorrectitude. The sun shined just a little bit brighter after the Duke, the Cobra Kai of college basketball, took a crane-kick to the mush and got ousted by a 14-seed. Yeah, so what if UMD didn’t even make the NIT? Shut up!

One digit down from the billion, the $400,000,000 was the size of the recent MegaMillions jackpot. I’m starting to think the numbers you get from fortune cookies don’t mean anything at all. And it turns out the numbers of my anniversary and my birthday aren’t that special after all. It’s hard to maintain a sense of self-importance when the universe seems so oblivious to your demands.

A couple zeroes down the line was my most realistic missed opportunity to cash in. I meant to bring this up in the previous entry. A couple weekends ago, I got a call from a comedian buddy of mine. Someone had cancelled last-minute for a show at a synagogue and he thought I might be a good fit. Unfortunately, I was already booked that night, so I told him I couldn’t do it. His reply, “That’s too bad, because they’re paying $1500 for 30 minutes.”
“Give me the number,” I said. “I’ll find a way to make it work.” I gave the lady organizing the event a call and, unfortunately, they had just filled the spot before I got to her. I was still in disbelief, so I asked her, “How much were you offering again?”
“We have a $1500 budget. Why, how much do you charge?”
“Significantly less,” I said. I told her to keep me in mind for anything they have going on in the future. Congrats to the lucky bastard who snagged it. It’s just crazy how much people outside of comedy think our services are worth is in stark contrast to the money we get at actual comedy venues. Just sayin’ is all.

¬†For those of you who enjoy pro-wrestling, do me a favor and mark June 19th on your comedy calendar. I’ll be opening for the hardcore legend, Mick Foley when he comes to the DC Improv. The stage will be surrounded in barbed wire. Have a nice day.


Hey gang. I had the day off from work today after helping to manage two massive events for the trivia company I work for, District Trivia. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that before in the blog, but I write trivia questions for a living. We’ve been holding a four month long city-wide trivia tournament which culminated on Tuesday and Wednesday, giving away cash prizes totaling $6500. Not bad for answering the ridiculous questions that germinate in my noggin.

Bar trivia tends to attract an odd cross-section of humanity. People who aren’t typically social go to a bar and compete with Asperger’s level intensity over the tangential minutiae that infests the brains of most thirty-somethings like if Hoarder’s did a cross-over episode with I Love the 80’s. So basically I facilitate the social lives of nerds. That’s not fair to classify all of our players like that, it’s just one end of the spectrum, but the one’s that made it to the Tournament Finals might as well have been anthropomorphic cerebral cortexes. Anyway, they’re smart the way LeBron James can dribble a basketball and when their intellect is challenged, they like to argue. One of the bonus questions was, “Who is the only Muppet to appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated?” I had more than a few people try to argue that Big Bird, which is the correct answer, is not a Muppet. I counter-argued that these people are soulless monsters.

A good time was had by all, but it was a stressful undertaking by the entire staff and I’m glad it’s in our rear view mirror. If you’re interested in trivia, you should check out one of our 25+ in the DMV area. Follow the link above for all the info.

I’m not sure what else I wanted to cover in this installment. I’m slowly but surely getting back into regular comedic activities. I had a fun time headlining the show over at Benny’s Bar & Grill on the mean streets of Potomac, MD. I’ve got a show tomorrow night at a country club in Avondale, PA on Friday. I’ve been trying to pepper in some new material at these gigs, but my brain is so hard wired with my current routine that when I try to shake things up, the needle skips a groove.

I’ll leave you with this very cool conversation between Rainn Wilson and the late Harold Ramis. It’s ten minutes well spent. Enjoy…

Twelve Years a Comic

Hey gang. Welcome to March. I’m usually good about celebrating arbitrary milestones, so I’m happy to tell you that this past weekend marked roughly 12 years as a stand-up comic. *throws handful of confetti in the air* I’ve slowed down in these last six months, but I’ve got some shows coming up this month and I can promise I’ll return to the slow grind of showbiz soon. Following through, is another story, but the promise is the first step on the road to sincerity.

Hey, have the Oscars ended yet? What a steaming pile of dreck that was. I normally like Ellen DeGeneres, but the best thing she delivered all night was the stupid pizza. The writing was lazy, costume changes took the place of clever segues, and it felt like she just decided to wing it at some point. The “this person needs no introduction” gag was cute but tired the first time, but why would you need to use it again? Maybe the rest of America gives a damn about how you’re pals with these superstars, but the patter was awkward and forced. Sure, the star power of the selfie that broke Twitter was huge, but we’re there to celebrate these people in moving pictures. And why did they not give the winners the musical hook? The self-important yammering was endless. It’s fun when these guys talk over the music to thank their kids, but you can’t let these egos go unchecked altogether. What I’m trying to say is it was mildly ironic that a night dominated by Gravity was so heavy and tedious. Ellen will not be winning the Emmy for the Oscars, but whoever worked on Goldie Hawn deserves one for special effects.

Luckily, I didn’t watch this celebrity tribute to the Bataan Death March in real time. My wife and I had tickets to see Book of Mormon at the hungry hungry Hippodrome in Baltimore that night. I had plenty of lead time on the DVR to fast forward past the dumb technical awards. This Oscars had no pop. Say what you will about Seth MacFarlane, but at least it felt like he put some effort into it. Also, if you’re tasked with handing out one of these awards, could you learn to read a a goddamn teleprompter or *GASP* memorize the three lines of cliches before you take the stage? Your purpose on this planet is to make us believe that you’re not a stammering idiot when cameras are rolling. The theme of the night was also half-assed. Heroes. Three stupid montages is all they could muster up. Tell you what, Oscar producers, if you want to celebrate movies and make things fun to watch, play this next year…

And don’t get me started on the In Memoriam segment. Harold Ramis deserved his own tribute for his contributions to movie comedy and kudos to Bill Murray for giving him the extra shout out while he was presenting.

I mentioned that I’ve got some shows coming up. The first of those is this Saturday, the 8th at Benny’s Bar & Grill in Potomac. They made a fancy poster and everything…

Also, if you’re a fan of pro wrestling, I’m filling in for my buddy Justin Schlegel on The Rough House Podcast. That should be available for your consumption on Thursday afternoon.

So, enjoy those avenues that the Mild Amusement Express will be traveling on. See you next time.