Category: Columbus Day

Blogtoberfest

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Blogtober, Columbo, Columbus Day, comedy, Comedy Zone, domestic violence, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Iron Maiden, Jared Stern, PSA, Run to the Hills

Hey there ‘Redheads… Short turnaround from the last installment for a change. I wanted to bolster Blogtober and sneak in a quickie before my comedy road trip this weekend (details to follow). The mornings are starting to get chilly out there…good sleeping weather. The past couple mornings, willing myself out of bed has taken longer than Uma Thurman trying to wiggle her big toe in Kill Bill.

I hope everyone had a swell Columbus Day. I celebrated in the traditional way. By gambling, drinking firewater, and cranking Iron Maiden’s Run to the Hills… Sing along, won’t you?

Anyone else find it mildly ironic that most of DC wanted to run the Redskins out of town today? I could’ve sworn somebody was running a blanket drive down at Fed Ex Field. Grab a bucket of popcorn and watch the sky fall when they lose to the Chefs (great googily moogily) next week.

I feel like Columbus must’ve fired his PR firm, because he’s been getting a heap of bad press these last couple of years. The focus has shifted from sailing the ocean blue and discovering America to that whole decimation of the Indians thing. Some people have started referring to it as Indigenous People’s Day. Others choose to celebrate the life and work of Peter Falk.

Speaking of PR firms, I’d love to meet the team behind this PSA…

Thanks to comedy compadre, Andy Kline for this little gem. Apparently, this new spot was created to address the recent upswing in domestic violence in Memphis. Which begs the question, how annoying are families in Memphis? Maybe they should just make one to run during Blue’s Clues to let the kiddies know, “Don’t wanna die? Don’t cry.” Run one on Oxygen that tells the ladies, “Don’t want to be twitchin’? Quit yer bitchin’.” I’m also available for children’s parties, by the way…

In the last installment, my cinematic pick to click was the gruesome zomedy, Zombieland. It’s splatterrific. But, if an over-the-top gorefest isn’t your cup of bile, might I suggest having the bejeezus scared out of you by an understated demon possession. Go see Paranormal Activity. It’s in the same low-budget vein as The Blair Witch Project, but this one actually lives up to the hype. This flick is nightmare fuel. My only complaint was with the jerky camera work that this style of film making requires. Nothing like some nausea to go with your heart attack.

I’d like to announce that I’m still in the running for the Nobel Prize for Procrastination. Should hear from the committee any day now…

For those of you in the West Virginia area, I’ll be at the Comedy Zone in Charleston, WV this weekend. Always nice to see some friendly faces in the crowd. Click the link for tix and info.

See ya in a few…

There’s Only One Blogtober

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Columbus Day, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, shark, Yom Kippur

Hey there ‘Redheads… Welcome back to Blogtober…being joined in progress, apparently. Kick off your shoes and get comfy. Perhaps you noticed the new title… I figured I’d try to spruce up the joint after three years, clean out the cobwebs, and give this mess a titular kick in the pants (yes, that sentence was just so I could use the word “titular”). I, myself, am fresh as a daisy after getting a year’s worth of sins power washed off my subconscious hull. I spent the day in synagogue for Yom Kippur. Atonement is a work out. Lots of standing up and sitting down…a prayer-master (patent pending), if you will. Anywho, my slate is clean. Time to start filling that sin quota. Speaking of which, I just got back from a particularly soul crushing hand at the poker table in my weekly league. I had 4-8 of clubs in the big blind and the short stack. The flop comes out J-8-3 with two clubs on the board. A couple of minimum bets of 600 come around the table and I call. The turn is an 8, giving me three of a kind with a suspect kicker. The bets jump up to 1200 and I call. The river is a 4, giving me a full house. I go all in. My buddy Seth, sitting next to me, calls, as does another guy. I’m ready to triple up. I giddily announce my boat. To which Seth replies, “Dude,” and turns over J-8. That’s what I refer to as a Jaws hand…I needed a bigger boat. Sorry for the poker lingo…just wanted to share my pain.

Happy Columbus Day to one and all. Anyone else find it mildly ironic that the Redskins got beat the day before Columbus Day? To make it a true tribute, the Rams should’ve renamed FedEx Field “Ramerica”. Or it should’ve been free whiskey and blanket day at the stadium.

Now, I realize that the world is falling apart around us. I get that many of you are looking for an escape from the bleak reality. A bright spot amidst the gloom. But, c’mon people…Beverly Hills Chihuahua?? Number one at the box office for a second week. I guess if you’re looking to put your brain in sleep mode for two hours, while you soak your soul in buttery-like product topping and Mexican stereotypes, then GOOOOAAAALLLLL, look no further. When I want an anthropomorphic dog movie to sooth my jangled nerves, I go a different direction..

Here’s a story that once again reaffirms my faith…

Shark “Virgin Birth” Confirmed
A female blacktip shark in Virginia fertilized her own egg without mating with a male shark, new DNA evidence shows. This is the second time scientists have used DNA testing to verify shark parthenogenesis—the process that allows females of some species to produce offspring without sperm.

…that God is a vicious eating machine. We’re going to need a bigger bible. That’s right, we may have witnessed the birth of Shark Jesus (yes, I resisted the urge to call him Jawsus…give me some credit). He’ll be able to turn water into chum, feed 5000 with just one surfer, and…swim on dry land.

A quick note just in case I completely shirk my blogging duties for the month. On Blogtober 25th, I’ll be part of a showcase in the DC Improv Comedy Lounge with John McBride, Sean Savoy, Roger Mursick, and Erik Myers. Click the link for tix and info. Should be a fun show.

Comedy kudos to fellow wordsmith, Mike Blejer, who is appearing at Off The Wall Comedy Club in Jerusalem on Wednesday. Very cool stuff. Be careful though, Mike. Over there, it’s the hecklers who bomb.

To be continued…