Hey there ‘Redheads… I know, I know, I’ve grossly neglected you, my loyal fictional fanbase. Rest assured, your unwavering patience will be rewarded with a massive installment. Let me start off by wishing all of you mommies out there a happy belated Mother’s Day. A special shout out to three new mothers:
My sis, Lauren, mommy of my impossibly cute nephew, Mo…
My good friend, Alison, mommy of the equally adorable Hannah…
And to my left coast pal, Mary, mommy of dimple dynamo, Emma…
See, isn’t this installment off to a great start? If you didn’t smile, you’re more machine now than man…twisted and evil. Now, compose yourself while I get to all the backlogged nonsense. Smiling babies are only tip of this sensory sno-cone.
Let’s start with the most recent stuff and work backward. Last night I was out with my compadres Allyson and Chris. We assembled the dork brigade show our intellectual and trivial might with a couple rounds of Quizzo at a bar in Adams Morgan. Turns out, that bar wasn’t running trivia that night, so instead we decided to check out the potential freak show of Kostume Karaoke at Wonderland. Just like regular karaoke, but you can’t get on stage without removing your dignity and putting one of the wacky costumes they provide. We sat at the back of the bar and tipped back a few pints, while Migraine: The Musical got going. To be fair, a couple of the entrants were fine singers…others made William Hung sound like Josh Groban. I’m not one to judge. I need a permit to carry a tune. But, it wasn’t long before the three of us started curiously thumbing through the catalog of songs. Then came the bargaining…I’ll do it if you do it, and so forth…a self-esteem murder-suicide pact. While the two of them were waffling, I figured the worst that could happen was getting laughed at by strangers…which is what I get paid to do anyway. So, I marched up to the sign-in sheet, scribbled down my selection, and grabbed a viking helmet in anticipation. Then I went back and informed the two of them of their legal obligation to follow suit or be labeled pussies. This would mark my first time ever on a karaoke stage. For my song, I chose “Flowers on the Wall” by the Statler Bros. You may know it from the soundtrack to Pulp Fiction, for three reasons. 1) I was familiar with it…I know most of the words by heart, 2) it’s a whimsical tune, perfect for the occasion and, most importantly 3) it was 2 1/2 minutes long. Brevity, baby. Aside from the fact that vocally I have the range of a Daisy air rifle, I thought I did ok. Reports from the floor were positive, and the environment is one of overall encouragement. After I was done, Chris hit the stage in a puffy red, white, and blue top hat for his rendition of “What a Fool Believe” by the Doobie Bros…an ingenious choice, since most of the lyrics are pretty much unintelligible. He got the crowd on its feet with his boyish falsetto and acquitted himself nicely. It took a bit more nudging, but we finally got Allyson to give it a go, putting on a modest lei to sing George Michael’s “Monkey”. She also did well, mostly because she got to yell out “monkey” a bunch of times and “monkey” is a funny word. For the record, if we had stayed longer, my next song would’ve been “Land of Confusion” by Genesis.
Big thanks to John X and the fine folks at the Riot Act Comedy Club for a fun weekend of shows. I was joined by fellow local funny man, Sonny Fuller, opening for Ari Shafir. You may’ve seen Ari in Joe Rogan’s video crusade against Carlos Mencia. Those of you on Rogan’s side will enjoy this spot-on nugget (those of you on Mencia’s side can stop reading now)…
http://www.superdeluxe.com/static/swf/share_vidplayer.swf
On my walk from the metro to the club on Saturday, I overheard an interesting exchange while waiting for the light. Waiting next to me was a woman with her three young children, two boys about 7 and a girl of about 4. Crossing the street towards us, was a lady of, let’s say large carriage. Her steps could’ve been measured seismically. Little kids are a font of curiosity from which endless unfiltered questions flow. The little girl asks her mom, “Who is that?” The mom replies, “Why don’t you ask her.” The little girl adds, “Why is she so fat?” The mom judiciously replies, “She enjoyed alot of yummy food.” Let’s break this down. First of all, I love the logic the little girl is operating on. In her mind, this woman must be really important to be taking up so much space. In a world where grown-ups rule, this woman must be the queen. She meant no offense. The mother’s reply bothers me slightly. Sure, you want to sugar coat the answer, but don’t lie to the kid. Odds are this lady hasn’t enjoyed food in awhile, because that would involve chewing. I’m sure she didn’t enjoy eating her young. And let’s not limit it to just “yummy” food. Yes, a few sweets are sucked through the vortex every now and again, but this lady didn’t seem like her palate had discriminated against anything short of “edible” in quite some time. Yes, I’m a horrible person. Scroll back up to the baby pictures if it makes you feel better…I’ll wait.
The complaints among the dork populace regarding Spider-Man 3 are numerous. You’ve probably heard most of the gripes by now, but allow me to toss my week-late two cents in. Once again a potentially awesome flick is brought down by too many plot-lines and not enough decent narrative to pull them all together. This movie had at least four stories to tell and it didn’t do justice to any of them. They handled the Venom story atrociously. When the black suit starts to impose it’s dark will, for some reason it turns Peter Parker into the lead singer of Fallout Boy. He’s got bangs now…look out! If you want a hero facing down his dark side, then look no further than the gold standard of Superman 3, where after being exposed to tar-laced kryptonite, the man of steel is seen getting drunk and flicking beer nuts.
This looks like a shot for…I was able to forgive the changes in the Eddie Brock character, but where was the hissing introduction of, “We are Venom…”? I’m nitpicking, but seriously, these are important dork issues. This could’ve been much better had they simply axed the Sandman and just gone with the revenge/redemption story of Harry Osborne and coupled it with the Venom story. To be honest, I’m not sure why expectations for this movie were so high. Aside from Return of the Jedi and Return of the King, more often than not, sci-fi threequels suck. Alien 3, awful. Blade: Trinity, shit. Star Trek 3, abysmal. So, the fact that this one was a let down from Spider-Man 2, is no big surprise. Here’s a fun little video to take your mind off things…
Before I sign off, here’s some more mashed up food for your iPod. Stick these all up in your ear holes…or something:
What I’ve Confused (Linkin Park vs. Genesis)
Puppet Rock (Queen vs. 5th Dimension)
Don’t Speak About the Unforgiven (No Doubt vs. Metallica)
Enjoy…
To be continued…
JARED STERN'S ONLINE COMEDY CUBICLE 