Distraction and Datstraction

Hey there ‘Redheads… Sorry for neglecting my blogular duties. I’ve been distracted over the past week. Mostly by comedy, but some other things have kept me from unleashing the 1000 monkeys on the 1000 typewriters of my soul (deeper than necessary). The perils of home ownership are also giving me fits. One of my walls is throwing an Amityville Horror hissy fit, courtesy of a leak in my upstairs neighbor’s washing machine. Lemme get a few thank-you’s out of the way, then we’ll shave off some blog meat, slather it with A-1, and dig in.

Big thanks to the fine folk at the Baltimore Comedy Factory, the Mid-Atlantic Comedy Smorgasbord, and Taglines, for allowing me to shuck and jive on their stages. I got to work with some of my favorite comedic talents, T-Rexx, Mike Storck, Kelly Terranova, and Seaton Smith to name a few…watching these guys work was a pleasure.

Some of you may have heard the rumors swirling that I, Jared Stern, patrol the streets of Baltimore when night falls. Perhaps, you saw the story in the news…

BALTIMORE — Soldier Killed in Shootout With Police Officer

A 25-year-old soldier from Fort Meade was fatally shot in Baltimore yesterday in a confrontation with a police officer, Baltimore police said.

The soldier, identified as Alexander E. Larkin, was killed in an exchange of shots in a parking garage in downtown Baltimore about 2 a.m., said Officer Nicole Monroe, a Baltimore police spokeswoman.

She said that the officer, Jared Stern, was working in uniform on officially sanctioned overtime when he came upon an altercation involving two men in a garage on Market Place. Each of the men in the altercation was accompanied by another man, Monroe said.

Apparently, I’m on administrative leave, pending investigation. The screwy thing is this took place over the weekend that I was playing the Comedy Factory. What the story didn’t mention was that the guy was a heckler…I don’t fuck around. I had a laugh with my parents, friends, and co-workers the next day…quite the coinky-dink. But, it didn’t end there. When I got home from work a couple days later, I found a folded piece of yellow notebook paper sitting on the front stoop of my apartment it had Mr. Stern please call scrawled on it. Within the folded paper was a business card that said…

Surveillance * Claims Investigation * Fraud Management * Trial Prep
J. Beska
Senior Investigator

…yeah. Needless to say, I was bit weirded out. So, I called the number on the card. I got the guy’s voicemail, left a message wondering what was going on, and got ready to go out. A return message was waiting for me when I got out of the shower, “Hello, Mr. Stern, this is Mr. Beska. Thank you for getting back to me. My first question to you is are you a Baltimore City police officer? If so, please contact me as soon as possible.” This guy, a professional investigator, thought I was the cop. Obviously, his investigation technique was the same one used by the Terminator to find Sarah Conner.

It’s a good thing I’m not a low-rent Baltimore vigilante (Wombat-Man), because there were enough costumed freaks in the area that weekend. Otakon, an anime and video game convention, was in town. And with it, a swarm of dorks, geeks, and various other species of pimpled awkwardness…

Welcome to VirginFest…

On my way home from the club, I spotted a guy on the corner of Lombard & Charles dressed as a Wii controller. A giant white plastic rectangle cube with the controller buttons drawn on and two Birkenstocked feet sticking out of the bottom. Dude, you’ve got all those extra lives…use one for yourself. You are Wii-tarded.

August is right around the corner, and you’re probably wondering, “Where can I find the correct Jared Stern for all of my comedy needs?”…I’m not a mind reader…if you weren’t wondering that, just work with me. Here’s where I’ll be…

Aug. 8th – competing in the Funniest Person in Baltimore contest at the Baltimore Comedy Factory…I need votes, so come check it out.
Aug. 9thHBO Comedy Festival contest at the DC Improv…the line-up for this show is phenomenal…Chris White, Rob Maher, Joe Robinson, Randolph T, Seaton Smith, Jon Mumma, Erin Jackson, and me. Yeah, I know…I don’t know what I’m doing there either.
Aug. 10th & 11th – featuring at Cozzy’s in Newport News, VA.
Aug. 24th & 25th – MCing at Banana’s in Hasbrouck Heights, NJ.

Stalk away.

Before I go, here’s a short clip of my impossibly cute nephew, Mo, at the pool. Betcha can’t watch just once…

To be continued…