Category: Blogtober

Unfinished Blogness

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Blogtober, comedy, costumes, Halloween, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Iron Man, Jared Stern

Hey there ‘Redheads… One of these blogs, I swear it won’t be necessary for me to apologize for my abject neglect. That blog is coming, but it ain’t this one… Sorry for the unacceptable lag in updates. Once again, it’s been proven that I can’t wait to procrastinate. Blogtober ended up with a downright paltry three entries, without a decent Halloween blog. Well, in an effort to snake out all of the backlogged blather, I give you a blog so bloated, so crammed to the gills, that it may too much for your eyes to handle in one sitting. You may need a bloggy bag. I’ve got enough stuff here to fill 3 or 4 installments. I’m of two minds as to how I should foist this upon you. Either I’ll give it to you in three heaping helpings over the week or I’ll combine all of it into a blog Devastator. We’ll see how quickly carpal tunnel sets in. Onward…

I hope everyone had a happy Monday. I’ve never understood why Mondays get such a bad rap. If your life is so crappy, that you cease to have fun once the week starts, maybe it’s not just time that isn’t your friend. I digress. This blog is about living in the then. Specifically, the then of roughly a week ago, Halloween. Like with everything else, I waited ’til the last minute and between plans and potential costume ideas, I was waffling more than the breakfast buffet at the Belgian Embassy. Luckily, my buddy Seth came through for me with a costume…

I was a glow-in-the-dork. Comic book fans will recognize me as the mechanized millionaire playboy, Tony Stark…if he were a nebbishy tub of goo. Once the costume was set, I needed a place to get my ‘ween on. If nothing materialized, I would’ve been more than happy with checking out a good zombie movie, like Zombieland or This Is It. Thankfully, since my friends haven’t tired of me just yet, I was allowed to tag along to a party in DC. I must admit, I thoroughly enjoyed hailing cabs with my light-up hand piece. We got to the party, which was being held in a one bedroom apartment…with a DJ. The place was packed, loud, and hot, three things that aren’t necessarily conducive to fun for me, since I’m a closet claustrophobic. I felt sorry for the people with large, unwieldy costume elements, like my buddy Joe, who went as Captain America, including the shield. Or my girlfriend, who went as an art gallery, which consisted of a sandwich board of two canvases…

The bulk of my evening was spent explaining either who I was or how my costume worked. The get up was much more impressive in the dark, but even then there were a bunch of people, mostly ladies, who had no clue. One gal, when I told her I was Iron Man, responded, “The race?” There was a surprising lack of dead celebrities in attendance. The only one I spotted was a David Carradine, in a Japanese robe and tasteful noose. There was no shortage of fellow crime fighters…

There was a small shortfall on dignity.

In the spirit of Halloween, such as it is on November 9th, here’s Sherman Helmsley (before he started calling plays for the Redskins) with a public service message…

My internet connection is being moody, so I’ll stop here and opt for the measured helpings throughout the week. Plenty more on the way. ‘Til then…

Blogtoberfest

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Blogtober, Columbo, Columbus Day, comedy, Comedy Zone, domestic violence, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Iron Maiden, Jared Stern, PSA, Run to the Hills

Hey there ‘Redheads… Short turnaround from the last installment for a change. I wanted to bolster Blogtober and sneak in a quickie before my comedy road trip this weekend (details to follow). The mornings are starting to get chilly out there…good sleeping weather. The past couple mornings, willing myself out of bed has taken longer than Uma Thurman trying to wiggle her big toe in Kill Bill.

I hope everyone had a swell Columbus Day. I celebrated in the traditional way. By gambling, drinking firewater, and cranking Iron Maiden’s Run to the Hills… Sing along, won’t you?

Anyone else find it mildly ironic that most of DC wanted to run the Redskins out of town today? I could’ve sworn somebody was running a blanket drive down at Fed Ex Field. Grab a bucket of popcorn and watch the sky fall when they lose to the Chefs (great googily moogily) next week.

I feel like Columbus must’ve fired his PR firm, because he’s been getting a heap of bad press these last couple of years. The focus has shifted from sailing the ocean blue and discovering America to that whole decimation of the Indians thing. Some people have started referring to it as Indigenous People’s Day. Others choose to celebrate the life and work of Peter Falk.

Speaking of PR firms, I’d love to meet the team behind this PSA…

Thanks to comedy compadre, Andy Kline for this little gem. Apparently, this new spot was created to address the recent upswing in domestic violence in Memphis. Which begs the question, how annoying are families in Memphis? Maybe they should just make one to run during Blue’s Clues to let the kiddies know, “Don’t wanna die? Don’t cry.” Run one on Oxygen that tells the ladies, “Don’t want to be twitchin’? Quit yer bitchin’.” I’m also available for children’s parties, by the way…

In the last installment, my cinematic pick to click was the gruesome zomedy, Zombieland. It’s splatterrific. But, if an over-the-top gorefest isn’t your cup of bile, might I suggest having the bejeezus scared out of you by an understated demon possession. Go see Paranormal Activity. It’s in the same low-budget vein as The Blair Witch Project, but this one actually lives up to the hype. This flick is nightmare fuel. My only complaint was with the jerky camera work that this style of film making requires. Nothing like some nausea to go with your heart attack.

I’d like to announce that I’m still in the running for the Nobel Prize for Procrastination. Should hear from the committee any day now…

For those of you in the West Virginia area, I’ll be at the Comedy Zone in Charleston, WV this weekend. Always nice to see some friendly faces in the crowd. Click the link for tix and info.

See ya in a few…

Undead, Fundead…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Blogtober, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, illiterate, Jared Stern, R. Kelly, zombieland, zombies

Hey there ‘Redheads… The usual combination of sloth and procrastination has kept me from updating the blog in a timely fashion. September slipped by with only three lousy installments, but I’m hoping for a stout and hearty Blogtober. Much like Christmas takes over all of December, this month gets swallowed by the jack o’lantern’s maw of Halloween. If it’s dead, undead, or screaming its last breath, this is the time to indulge all of your morbid curiosities. If you’re still reading, you’ve probably noticed that the laughter was strangled out of this blog a couple sentences ago…

Among my favorite macabre mascots are zombies, which is why I give two severed thumbs up to Zombieland. Easily, the best zomedy since Shaun of the Dead and a great zombie movie period. It’ll eat your brain and slurp the marrow from your funny bone. From the driving opening credits set to Metallica’s “For Whom The Bell Tolls” to a brilliant homage to the greatest paranormal comedy ever made, this is the most fun you’ll have watching the world end. After the movie, I bumped into a couple people who thought it was a documentary…

When it comes to zombies, some people are divided on a key issue: shamblers or sprinters? Zombie purists prefer their undead to shuffle toward their prey with excruciating inevitability. The 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead gave us zombies that could full on sprint. It just depends how you want your brains eaten. I kind of prefer the shamblers, only because I’d like to think I could outrun a dead guy. I need to get back to the gym. Right now, the only way I break a sweat is if I freeze some then drop it on the floor. But I digress. One last cool zombie thing before I move on. Check this out…

Right now, that’s just a fan trailer for a book, but here’s hoping that George Lucas is looking to shake a few more nickels out of us soon. I’d buy that for a dollar.

You know who else is hoping that book gets made into a movie? R. Kelly…

R&B singer/songwriter R. Kelly revealed that despite his musical talents, he suffers from illiteracy and barely made it through grade school. The Grammy winner recently spoke at the Midwest Music Festival in Chicago, about the trials and tribulations of starting his career.

I guess that’s one less thing the “R” stands for. Now that I think about it, that probably explains why he shortened it to R. It might also explain the complex metaphor, “You remind me of my jeep.” Anybody else catch the curious word choice in that blurb? He “suffers” from illiteracy. Last time I checked, there wasn’t a book allergy. He can suffer from dyslexia, but outside of that I’m guessing it’s a raging case of stupid. If illiteracy was contagious, it would be impossible to diagnose it from WebMD.

Before I wrap things up, the DC area lost an icon today. Ben Ali, the man behind Ben’s Chili Bowl died at age 82 of congestive heart failure. I’ve enjoyed many a Ben’s half-smoke during this past baseball season. Most times, it was best part of the Nats games. Keep your eyes peeled for a Bill Cosby sighting. I’m sure he’ll be in town to pay his respects…and give a rambling eulogy. Ben, you’ll live on inside us all.

That’s all for now. My illiteracy is flaring up…