Shellfish Shocked

Hey there, ‘Redheads… It’s damn near midnight on Friday, so the streak remains unbroken. I just got home from a a fun night out with some pals, dismembering, dipping, and devouring crustaceans over at Hot n’ Juicy Crawfish over in Woodley Park. If that sounds familiar, it’s because the Las Vegas location was featured on Man vs. Food. It was primally delicious. There’s nothing quite like taking apart an animal with your bare hands, then slurping it down your gullet, leaving behind nothing but a pile of empty husks.We went through about six bags of mollusks, ranging from crawfish, to crab legs, to shrimp. And those that were not eaten, were made to dance for our amusement.

S’alright? S’alright.

Speaking of devouring, I’d like to share an awesome picture with my fellow dorks out there…Yeah, I’d say that’s a fair fight.

Before I sign off, here’s my pick for the Super Bowl. I take the cheese to stand alone. And for the Puppy Bowl, take the under.

See you Monday.


Blocked 2: Electric Blockaloo

Hey there ‘Redheads… Once again, I’ve allowed sloth to trip me up with its three toes of sluggishness and keep me from bringing you timely bloggage. In fairness, I do suffer from OFS… Occasional Fatigue Syndrome. Plus, I was busy celebrating the 40th anniversary of the lunar landing and had a wicked tangover.

As promised, here’s part two of whatever I felt like was worth continuation. Before I get things started, please direct your attention to the shiny new widget on the right hand side of the page. I know, they don’t like to be called “widgets”…they prefer “little windows”. That right there is a digital portal to my fan page on Facebook. So, when you check out a new installment of the blog, you can check out the fan page…telling you to check out the new installment of the blog. Ain’t technology neat? It also gives you easy access to other news that I’ll probably put on here anyway… Looks cool, though…right?

Speaking of way cool technology that can keep you in a perpetual loop, let’s hop in the fuzzy recollection machine and take a trip back to July 4th to strain our eyes at the blurred and hazy events. To celebrate our nation’s independence, my intrepid band of friends and I took a trip to Coney Island to witness the gluttonous grudge match known as the Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest

Fellow spectator, Chris White, also wrote a crackerjack blog about the experience, so please to be checking that out after you get done here to get the full processed meat mosaic. So, as you can tell from the picture, we got a pretty good spot among the huddled masses to check out the action. In order to get that spot, we had to get there early. Getting there early meant waiting in the hot sun while event MC George Shea whipped the crowd into a feeding frenzy. Check this guy out…

There was plenty of pregame entertainment to keep the mob in check. The circus was in town, and they lent their trampoline artist to wow the crowd with some death defying…bouncing really high…
…which was made all the more treacherous, because she could’ve been blinded by the sun glinting off that guy’s head. Back off, Lex, it only looks like she can fly. There was also music…and guys dressed in giant hot dog costumes dancing to that music…

Then it came time for the ESPN cameras to swoop in to cover these masters of mastication. If you’re wondering what caliber of sportscaster the Super Bowel of competitive eating draws…

You may’ve noticed that it’s called the international hot dog eating contest, in much the same way the house of pancakes is. Really, the only competitor that made the contest international was former six time champion, Takeru Kobayashi of Japan. Which is mildly ironic since the atomic bomb we dropped on Japan is probably indirectly responsible for his superhuman eating abilities. Kobayashi’s story is actually quite inspirational. Apparently, one of the characters from Dragon Ball Z wished to be a real boy…but I digress. This year, though, another combatant from abroad entered the fray, from Italy. But really, the other competitors were a gassy afterthought. This was a showdown between Kobayashi and reigning champion, Joey Chestnut…
It was 10 straight minutes of brutal buffet. When the crumbs settled, Joey Chestnut emerged the victor, having crammed 68 buns and dogs down his gullet. He also took about ten years off his life. God bless America.

One thing I couldn’t understand was other peoples’ reaction when I told them I went to Coney Island for the contest. Invariably, their response was, “Did you compete?” Yeah, I was going to, but I had to back out…damn TMJ.

If you have nothing to do on Sunday, the 26th, might I recommend a great FREE comedy show? 7:30 at Union Jack’s in Bethesda, Will Hessler, Bey Wesley, Jimmy Merrit, and Rob Maher will take the stage for your amusement. I’ll be your host. Come laugh at us. Click here for all the details…

More to come…

All You Can Eat

Hey there ‘Redheads… Happy belated Earth Day to one and all. I hope everyone took the time to minimize their carbon footprints, or at least cover them up so they can’t be traced back to you. Lots of celebrating going on in April. Today was Take Your Spawn to Work Day and, so I’m told, National Competitive Eating Day. Now there’s something you won’t see an Ethiopian beat us in the closing seconds. Leave it to the good old U.S.A. to assign a point system to gluttony. I’ll tell you who else won’t be challenging our gastric superiority, if their supermodels are any indication…Australia. This is one of the contestants in the Miss Universe Australia competition…

Her name is Stephanie Naumoska. She’s 19 years old, 5’11”, 108 lbs, and ribbed for your pleasure. There’s a huge uproar that she promotes an unhealthy body image. Well, when you’re so skinny people are offering to sponsor you for 85 cents a day, maybe it’s time to mix in a $5 foot-long. This girl makes Maria Shriver look like Augustus Gloop. I’m impressed by the forward thinking of the Aussies. This is the Miss Universe pageant she’s shooting for. Eventually, that title will have to be defended intergalactically. The entrants she’d be up against will look like this…

I kid, but it turns out that she has a lucrative career as a remedial art class body model…like Leo in Titanic, I must draw her…
Ok, enough of the tall pictures to pad the blog length. Regular readers know that I’m about quality of quantity…it makes my odds better that something in here will actually be funny. One thing I don’t stand for, it’s typos. Even with the words I make up, great care is taken to spell them right. Call me crazy, but I want something that represents me to reflect professionalism…even if it is through a funhouse mirror. Boy would my face be red if I misspelled something so basic as my name…good thing I’m not a professional sports franchise…that would be at least twice as embarrassing…
Well, at least they didn’t misspell “DC”. DC: The city that proofreads. There’s no “I” in “team”, but there’s an “O” in “Holy fuck.” C’mon, Nats. Your attendance is already less than that model’s daily calorie intake. Let’s make sure we dot our t’s and cross our i’s.

For my Charm City ‘Redheads, I’m back in Baltimore one last time before I kick off my 7 week regional comedy tour. Check me out at the late night Bar Bacon Fun Time Comedy show on Friday night. Click the link for all the bacony details. Speaking of my upcoming whirlwind (ok, slight breeze) schedule, here’s a quick refresher on where and when I can be found at a purveyor of mirth near you…

April 30 – May 2@ the Comedy Factory in Baltimore, MD
May 8 & 9 @ the
Comedy Zone in Harrisburg, PA
May 14 – 17 @ the
DC Improv (opening for JEFF ROSS)
May 21 – 23 @ the
Funny Farm in Youngstown, OH
May 29 & 30 @ the
Comedy Zone in Greensboro, NC
June 5 & 6 @ the
Comedy Zone in Charleston, WV
June 11 & 12 @
Cozzy’s in Newport News, VA
July 31 & Aug. 1st @
Bogey’s Comedy Club in Willoughby Hills, OH

Mark your calendars. Go to Jared.

To be continued…