It Begins…

Hunker down, people. Brace yourselves. Batten down the hatches. Gird your loins. Katy, bar the door. May the bread, milk, and toilet paper be with you, because a storm is coming. Not just any storm, mind you. A historic storm. That’s right, it’s going to be histormic (I’ll let myself out). Death awaits ye, one tiny flake at a time. The truly historic storm will be the massive flood of crappy “Winter is Coming” and photoshopped AT-ATs on the highway memes that will sock in social media. Personally, I think all of this hysteria was cooked up by the Sliced Bread Lobby. Best thing, my ass.

The official name for this two day swath of doom dandruff is Winter Storm Jonas, which would be a great name for an albino pro wrestler. The agreed upon hip name for it is Snowzilla. That’s the best the hive mind could come up with? Here are some alternatives:

Eddie Blizzard
White Privilege
Cold Slither

Before I go any further, I’d like to call your attention to the giant pink button on your right. You’re going to want to click on that button and cast a vote for me (@FunnyJared) as Best Twitter Personality in the Washington City Paper’s Best of DC 2016 Reader’s Poll. I don’t care if you don’t read it. I don’t care if you live in DC. I want to make Twitter great again. So please to vote for me and validate my narcissism. I came in second last year and I’d like to claw my way to the summit of the mountain of your support. You are the wind beneath my wings.

Also, I wanted to give a shout out to my buddy Chris White over at the DC Improv. He’s a giant history nerd and he’s embarking on an ambitious project to find the funniest POTUS ever, called Headliner of State. I’m the silky voiced announcer for this project, so please listen as we begin our search. New episode every Monday.

Speaking of… speaking, I recently got hired to be a part of another cool project that you can consume. I’m going to voice an audiobook, a suspense thriller called “The Watershed”. I’ve finished recording the first chapter and I’m very excited to read out loud to you. If I can get paid for reading out loud, maybe I can get some cash for chewing with my mouth open. This is a big step for me, not only because it’s professional voice work, but I normally fall asleep when I read. Thank goodness I’m standing up in the recording studio. The big challenge is trying to affect a woman’s voice without sounding like a Monty Python sketch.

See you after the world ends.


Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s cold outside. The kind of cold that makes people deny global warming because they’re personally freezing. Remember kids: Think Globally, Bitch Locally. I don’t even need to step outside to know it’s cold, because everyone on Facebook is instagramming pictures of their thermostats with captions like, “Wow, that’s cold!” Kind of an Ansel Adams by way of Topper Shutt. C’mon, people, show me, don’t tell me. Snap me a picture of a bobsled on the beltway or a penguin migration down Pennsylvania Ave. Your numbers are not interesting. Snow is in the forecast for Friday, which will no doubt send people screaming frantically to loot grocery stores for necessities, lest they never see the sun again. A word of advice for those of you who plan to ransack your local Harris Teeter for bread, milk, and toilet paper. If they’re out of toilet paper, just buy more bread. I’m not easily fazed by the idea of snow, since my gal left town for a business trip, I’ve been playing a ton of Skyrim, so 3 to 5 inches isn’t terribly impressive unless I’m absorbing the soul from a dragon husk.

This past weekend, I took my first comedy road gig of 2013 up to scenic Harrisburg for a slate of shows at the 2nd St. Comedy Club. I had the privilege of working with Caroline Rhea, who could not have been nicer. It’s rare when a big name headliner takes a genuine interest in the feature’s set and offers advice in a non-condescending (nondescending?) way. She was also very gracious to the 4 sold out crowds that came to see her, taking pictures with half the population of downtown Harrisburg… and me…

I also had another unexpected brush with celebrity. Apparently, Caroline met up with a friend who she hadn’t seen in 10 years who now lives in Harrisburg. That friend was none other than Terry Farrell, who played Dax on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine…

This sent a Trill down my spine…

While I was sitting in the downstairs lounge between shows, I took a moment to check out the pictures of some of the comedy greats they had adorning the walls. There was Steve Martin, Rodney Dangerfield, Bill Cosby, and there was this curious picture…

At first glance, it didn’t seem out of place. That’s Richard Pry…oh, wait. Yeah, whoever decorated their lounge thinks Smokey Robinson was hilarious. They probably think he was the star of Smokey and the Bandit. He did sing Tears of a Clown, so maybe that’s the connection. Either way, I’m sure none of the drunk Harrisburgers noticed.
Before I sign off, I’d like to call your attention to a couple things that are very me-centric. First, please VOTE FOR ME FOR BEST COMEDIAN IN DC in the CityPaper’s Best of DC 2013 Reader’s Poll. It was an honor just to nominate myself, really. Please feed my ego. It hungers.
Also, I’ve got a very cool show coming up on Feb. 2nd in the DC Improv Comedy Lounge with three hilarious friends of mine, Tim Miller, Rob Maher, and Jon Mumma. Do yourself a favor and get your tickets now. 

Diggin’ Out

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Is everyone enjoying your snow day? Unfortunately, I had to go to work today, but since everybody else was socked in, my commute was a breeze. A stiff cold breeze. But the roads were clean and clear. I guess people didn’t abandon their cars on my route to work. I can’t believe people did that. Maybe I’m just spoiled with four-wheel drive, but in blizzard conditions, I’d rather be in a heated metal shell than out. How do all you snooty Prius owners feel about our gas guzzlers now, huh? The environment doesn’t care what you’re trying to do for it. Case in point, my buddy Nick, who swapped his hybrid with his mother’s 4×4 to make sure his car didn’t slip into an embankment. While he was able to get around during the storm, a tree fell an crushed his hybrid in his mom’s driveway. What I’m saying is, you owe it to yourself to put nature in it’s place. Go spray some aerosol.

I’d like to get in on the snowings-on, so I think I’ll attempt a roof deck snowman when I get home. Happy to not be one of the 400,000 people without power in the DC area. If I were still living at the former Stately Stern Manor, I’d probably be in Amish country too. Hopefully, you’re still able to read the blog by candlelight.

For those of you who gave my trivia questions a go, here are the answers…

1. Who is the only actor that has been killed by a Terminator, an Alien, and a Predator? That would be Bill Paxton, who bought it in Aliens, Predator 2, and he was in Terminator. He was one of the punks that Arnold killed for their clothes in the beginning…

2. What movie did Steven Speilberg give Dan Aykroyd a cameo in to thank him for putting Speilberg in Blues Brothers? Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Aykroyd is the guy that greets Indy at Lao Che’s air field.

3. Who was originally cast as Marty McFly in Back to the Future, but was fired three weeks into filming and replaced by Michael J. Fox? Eric Stoltz.

4. Who holds the world record for playing the longest note ever recorded on a saxophone? Kenny G, who, using circular breathing, held an E-flat for 45 minutes and 47 seconds.

5. Which living actor has made the most films to date? Not Samuel L. Jackson. Not even close. He only has 107 films to his credit. The correct answer is Christopher Lee, who at the age of 89 has appeared in over 260 films.

Hope you liked ’em. Maybe we’ll make this a regular feature on here. Or not. See you Friday.

Bloggin’ in a Winter Wonderland

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Well, I guess the people in the snow business finally got their bulk shipment in. Everyone’s inner five year old roots for the white stuff until it snarls traffic and keeps your outer thirtysomething on the beltway for three hours. It sure is pretty, though. I usually host a trivia night in Bethesda on Wednesday nights, which got shelved because I place a higher priority on not dying on a drive home to Capitol Hill at 10pm. My priorities are way out of whack. Since I didn’t get a chance to ask pointed pointless questions for points, why don’t I lay some triviality on you, the snowbound reader? That question was rhetorical and does not count. Try not to google the answers…

1. Who is the only actor that has been killed by a Terminator, an Alien, and a Predator?

2. What movie did Steven Speilberg give Dan Aykroyd a cameo in to thank him for putting Speilberg in Blues Brothers?

3. Who was originally cast as Marty McFly in Back to the Future, but was fired three weeks into filming and replaced by Michael J. Fox?

4. Who holds the world record for playing the longest note ever recorded on a saxophone?

5. Which living actor has made the most films to date?

Answers tomorrow. ‘Til then…

Flurry of Activity

Hey there ‘Redheads… A happy 1-11-11 to you. Not nearly as cool as November 11th will be, but I won’t begrudge you your arbitrary number celebrations. I can’t believe it’s still January. Man, this year is dragging. One group of people who’ll be happy when this day is over is local weather forecasters. Sure, I was 2-2 on my playoff predictions, but they’ve been about as reliable as a Magic 8-ball when it comes to winter storms in the greater (or slightly mediocre) DC area. First, we were told that two fronts were going to combine to give us our first big snow of 2011. Then, it was maybe 4 to 6 inches. Now, it’s a light dusting. As I look out my window at 5:30 pm, I’ve seen more flakes in a dandruff shampoo commercial. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not rooting for something that will snarl traffic and send people screaming to the store for enough toilet paper to stock Pepto-palooza ’11, I just want to see our paid prognosticators actually get something right. Stop teasing us. Not that it’s a tease for kids anymore, because the school districts are so reactionary, the mere mention of snow has them canceling classes for days. They didn’t get things totally wrong. There is snow, it just missed us high and outside. Philly up to Boston is getting buried. And I just learned that it’s snowing inside a house in Philly. My impossibly adorable niece and nephew got a hold of a roll of toilet paper, shredded it, and made it snow in my sister’s living room…That’s the funniest damn thing I’ve heard all day.

See you Wednesday…

Snow Means Snow…

Hey there ‘Redheads… Remember, in the last installment, when I told everyone to just get a hold of yourselves, and not give the impending snow an imposing name because it would only serve in blowing everything out of proportion? Well, upon further review… RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! Ok, nature, we get it. Enough with the cold fluffy death from above. I wasn’t in town for the brunt of it, but I was watching the Georgetown game on ESPN and they kept showing exterior shots of the Verizon Center. 30+ inches in some places. You know it’s a lot of snow when it’s not safe to let midgets roam free. And now, we need to brace ourselves for potentially 20 inches or more. If this next storm maxes out, snowplows aren’t going to cut it. We’re going to need AT-ATs. When nature flexes it’s muscle, why fight it? I think it’s a great chance to appreciate the beauty behind the brute force. This morning I saw where the weight of the snow had brought down a tree on top of a speed camera. Now that’s fuckin‘ beautiful. Clock that, you asshole.

Like I mentioned, I was able to skip town before the area got completely frost bitten. I made it down I-95 to one of my favorite comedy clubs, Cozzy’s in Newport News, VA. I wasn’t able to escape the weather entirely. We got torrential rain, which turned to snow, which turned to ice. No major accumulations, but just enough to make residents lose their minds. In order to keep from going completely stir crazy in my room that didn’t have a functional remote control, I ventured out to the local multiplex. The only thing that was starting when I showed up was Avatar. I wasn’t keen on seeing it, but any port in a storm. I had heard all the reviews… 3-D visuals with a 2-D story. I’ll admit it. The 3-D was pretty cool. A pinata from which an endless stream of eye candy spilled. I’m pretty sure I got eyeabetes. My left eye was a bleary bloodshot mess after mainlining nearly 3 hours of smurftastic special effects. It was not ungood

Not Cameron’s best, by a long shot, but it will change the way you watch movies…they’ll be more expensive now.

Once the weekend fun was done, I had to make the trek back home. I was moving at a pretty brisk clip, until I reached the rain/snow line near Fredricksburg. I-95 was a caked on mess. It was so pock marked with potholes, you’d think it had been renamed Edward James Olmos highway. The last 40 miles of my trip took roughly 2 hours, but I made it home to find a parking space carved out and my power and heat running. Not only that, but I got home in time to warm my cockles by watching my Terps beat the tar out of North Carolina. Coupled with a great win for the Caps, that would normally be a great sports weekend, but there was still the Super Bowl left to play. I enjoyed the game. It was close, there were some great signature plays, and the Colts lost, so I was happy… The one thing that irked me was the combined point total, and that it wasn’t higher than the age of the band playing halftime. Seriously, The Who have been around longer than the Super Bowl. The ads were ok. Nothing really stood out among the talking babies and the screaming chickens.

After you dig out of the snowverkill, come dig me in Charm City this weekend…Print out this coupon and drinks are on the house…Bask in the warm glow of mild amusement.

To be continued…


Let’s try and get a hold of ourselves, ‘Redheads… Everyone is losing their minds over the impending storm that’s going to make The Shining look like an instructional video. Computer models have shown that the DC Metro area will turn purple on Friday morning. We’re going to get grimaced. People are already predicting that schools will be closed for at least two days after the storm. It’s the Snow-pocalypse!… SNO-MG!… Snow what?, that’s what I say. After the dumping we got a month or snow ago, you’d think we could handle ourselves. That last snow wasn’t measured in inches, it was measured in shit-tons. Everyone made it out just fine. I’d like you guys to help me out with a snowcialogical experiment. After the storm shutters you in for the weekend, I’d like you to keep a record of how much bread you consume, how much milk you guzzle, and your instances of ass-wipage. I’m pretty positive it’s not going to be much more than your average two day consumption. Snow calm the fuck down.

Once again, the snow is picking a fine time to drop in. Just in time to fuck up everyone’s weekend plans. I speak specifically of anyone who has comical obligations on the eastern seaboard. Shows will probably be cancelled and I’m hoping that mine aren’t among them. I’m performing in Newport News, VA this weekend at one of my favorite little clubs, Cozzy’s. The snow is supposed to start falling around 10am on Friday, which is when I’ll be hopping in the car to head south, where birds go to get away from this crap. I blame the groundhog for this. Six more weeks of winter all because some yutz in a top hat held a rodent up with the sun at its back. Maybe Apple can help… I’ll make a sled out of iPads and call it the iDitarod. I wish I could enjoy the snow as much as an eight year old…or Darth Vader, but I got someplace to be and this is a white fluffy pain in my ass. Hey, speaking of Darth Vader…

David Prowse, the British actor who physically played Darth Vader in the original three ‘Star Wars’ films, has announced he’s made a full recovery from prostate cancer.

Technically, James Earl Jones made the announcement.

See you guys when I get back, just in time for the SuperSnowl…

All Work And No Blog…

Hey there ‘Redheads… Greetings from beyond the frozen tundra. I hope everyone has dug out and are now able to go about their business. The pandemic of cabin fever around town made The Shining look like a documentary. A lot of people were excited about the snow. I call these people Eskimos. Here’s the sad truth about getting older and more practical. Snow no longer means care free frolicking. It’s a horrible inconvenience. Businesses shut down because no one can get anywhere. Luckily, I didn’t have a comedy gig this weekend, because it would’ve been cancelled. And the mere forecast of snow sends the populace into hysterics. People pile into the grocery store and ransack the aisles like they may never see sunlight again. God forbid you have to buy something simple, like toothpaste, because you get stuck in the express line behind 15 yahoos who have enough loaves of bread in their cart to build a fort out of pumpernickel. By the way, here’s a helpful shopping tip for the panic stricken masses: If the store is sold out of toilet paper, just buy extra bread. So, it’s a huge hassle for anyone who has plans that don’t involve crawling inside an animal carcass for warmth.

Such was the case for my parents and I, who needed to get up to Philly on Sunday for my as yet unnamed nephew’s bris. As of Saturday afternoon, we weren’t going to risk the trip, since we were one man short of a capable bobsled team. We decided to wait until early Sunday morning to see if the road crews made any headway. I got the call at 6am on Sunday that we were a go. I expected the trip to be a reenactment of the Donner Party. Turns out, we had a pretty clear shot up to Philly. So, without further ado, may I introduce my new nephew, Asher Yosef…
Nicknames abound for this kid. The obvious one, of course, is Ash. Until the bris, everyone has been calling him Sting because of the blond hair. Then, there’s the timeless classic, Scrunchyface McPoopypants.

And now, a tale of two trailers. When I saw Ninja Assassin recently, I saw this trailer for the upcoming comic book flick, Kick-Ass

I was mildly interested, but not terribly impressed. It looked like a pretty tepid, kinda funny, smirk at the recent flood of superhero flicks. Today, I saw this trailer for the same movie…

HOLY. SHIT. This movie looks amazing. Take away the purple costume and this is what Natalie Portman’s character in The Professional could’ve become. Consider my ten bucks spent.

The balcony is closed. I’m going to bed. May you have a very merry and a holly jolly…

To be continued…