Hunker down, people. Brace yourselves. Batten down the hatches. Gird your loins. Katy, bar the door. May the bread, milk, and toilet paper be with you, because a storm is coming. Not just any storm, mind you. A historic storm. That’s right, it’s going to be histormic (I’ll let myself out). Death awaits ye, one tiny flake at a time. The truly historic storm will be the massive flood of crappy “Winter is Coming” and photoshopped AT-ATs on the highway memes that will sock in social media. Personally, I think all of this hysteria was cooked up by the Sliced Bread Lobby. Best thing, my ass.
The official name for this two day swath of doom dandruff is Winter Storm Jonas, which would be a great name for an albino pro wrestler. The agreed upon hip name for it is Snowzilla. That’s the best the hive mind could come up with? Here are some alternatives:
Before I go any further, I’d like to call your attention to the giant pink button on your right. You’re going to want to click on that button and cast a vote for me (@FunnyJared) as Best Twitter Personality in the Washington City Paper’s Best of DC 2016 Reader’s Poll. I don’t care if you don’t read it. I don’t care if you live in DC. I want to make Twitter great again. So please to vote for me and validate my narcissism. I came in second last year and I’d like to claw my way to the summit of the mountain of your support. You are the wind beneath my wings.
Also, I wanted to give a shout out to my buddy Chris White over at the DC Improv. He’s a giant history nerd and he’s embarking on an ambitious project to find the funniest POTUS ever, called Headliner of State. I’m the silky voiced announcer for this project, so please listen as we begin our search. New episode every Monday.
Speaking of… speaking, I recently got hired to be a part of another cool project that you can consume. I’m going to voice an audiobook, a suspense thriller called “The Watershed”. I’ve finished recording the first chapter and I’m very excited to read out loud to you. If I can get paid for reading out loud, maybe I can get some cash for chewing with my mouth open. This is a big step for me, not only because it’s professional voice work, but I normally fall asleep when I read. Thank goodness I’m standing up in the recording studio. The big challenge is trying to affect a woman’s voice without sounding like a Monty Python sketch.
See you after the world ends.
Hey there, ‘Redheads… Wow, two blogs in a row. Don’t get excited, I’m going to try to kick things back into the blogularity I spoiled you with for the first couple months of the year but, as usual, no promises. When I left you last night, the second half of Game 6 of the Mavs/Heat series was just getting started and it turns out all of the star wattage on the Heat burnt itself out. Here are some sample headlines I was hoping for in the Sports section this morning…
The Agony of the Heat
Mavs Take Talents to South Beach, Take Title
Decision Made: Mavs Win
With the storyline that played out in the NBA, with the Cobra Kai of the league getting crane-kicked in the face, the schadenfreude is rampant among fans and analysts who were galled by LeBron and the pomp and circumstance of his “Decision” last summer. People are happy that the flashy superstars got taken down by the Johnny Punchclocks. Good triumphed over precieved evil. Roll end credits. Once hockey concludes, that interminable dead zone of sports will fall over the land. Normally, we’d have the happy distraction of off-season NFL speculation, but with the lockout, who knows how long we’ll have to suffer meaningless baseball and women’s soccer. What will fill the void? I’m hoping this catches on…
That’s Botaoshi, or Japanese Pole Toppling. Rugby meets Iron Chef meets a Walmart on Black Friday. And don’t act like you wouldn’t watch it, either. That’s the alchemy of ratings gold, my friends: the spirit of competition, the hint of controlled chaos, and flailing foreigners. Game on.
I was going to regale you with tales of my weekend gig in North Carolina, but my laptop crashed and I don’t feel like retyping it right now. So, maybe tomorrow. Just in case I don’t get back to the blog this week, I wanted to let you know about a great show on Saturday in the DC Improv Comedy Lounge. My buddy, Chris White is recording his new CD and I’ll be opening up the show and getting some stuff recorded too. Click here to get tickets and provide us with the necessary rousing live crowd atmosphere.
See you soon.
Hey there, ‘Redheads… I’m recovering from a comedy hangover today after a stellar sold out weekend at the DC Improv with the World Champion, Judah Friedlander. Thanks to Allyson, Melba, Luis, Morgan, and the rest of the crackerjack staff for making it feel like home. And thanks to everyone who came out to laugh at me. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, DC Improv crowds are a gift. They’re smart, with it, quick on the uptake, and generally willing to go wherever you want to take them. Sure, they can be a little uptight sometimes, but that makes the laughs you get from them all the sweeter. Afterward, I got some of the best post-show reaction I’ve ever gotten. People who don’t go to a lot of comedy shows always seem genuinely surprised that the MC and feature are any good. One guy got a picture with me and told me he was adding me to a blog he writes about his favorite comedians. I shook a lot of hands and got some mileage out of the giant tub of hand sanitizer in the green room. My ego will be slowly re-entering Earth’s atmosphere over the next few days.
I also had the pleasure of working with the very funny Laura Prangley. It was pretty cool that all three comics on the bill were from the area. Laura is from Olney, I grew up in Silver Spring, and Judah is from Gaithersburg. Laura was nice enough to record a couple of my sets on her flip cam. I should be getting something postable at some point this week, but here are some pictures of me on stage in the meantime… More to come. See you Tuesday.
Hey there, ‘Redheads… Once again, I’m getting to blog activities early because I’ll be neck deep in the adulation of strangers tonight. If you still want to come see me at the DC Improv this weekend with Judah Friedlander, the only tickets left are for the Sunday 8pm show. No foolin‘. The rest of the weekend is completely sold out. Enough of the shameless self-promotion. That’s not what you came here for. Why are you here, exactly? Don’t answer that. Best not to question why. Don’t look a gift reader in the mouth. And I’m not going to try to pull any lame April Fool’s Day pranks on you either. Everything has been done. Besides, everyone I know is so jaded and skeptical that I’d pretty much have to fake my own death to get a reaction out of them. That’s too much work. And what even counts as a prank anymore? I’ve seen some of these prank shows on MTV and all of them boil down to waking someone out of a dead sleep, scaring the shit out of them, and/or kicking them in the nuts. No real planning, just taking advantage of a sleeping target. Like fishing with a hand grenade. Sure, there’s a big payoff, but it’s too easy. This, on the other hand, is one of the best YouTube-era pranks I’ve ever seen…
Then there’s the flipside of the heightened prank paranoia that today brings. When people tell you actual true things and you refuse to believe them because you don’t want to get had. I checked back in the blog archives and I don’t think I’ve shared this anecdote with you, but exactly three years ago, my buddy Seth called me to tell me that his wife was pregnant with their second child. Seth is like family to me, so I was very happy for him and I was psyched to be an uncle-by-proxy again. I wished him a hearty congratulations, then we hung up. Then I realized what day it was. I called him back and got his voicemail and I left him a message something along the lines of, “Ha ha, very funny. Way to toy with my emotions, ya prick.” He called back and tried to convince me, but I would have none of it, because he’s the kind of guy that would take a joke that far at my expense. I took me until his son was born for me to finally believe him. See you Monday. If you make it out to the Improv, stop by and say hi after the show.
Hey there, ‘Redheads… I’m getting my requisite blogging out of the way early, because I have a jam packed evening ahead of me, and even if I do make it back to my computer before midnight, anything I try to type will be rushed and slapdash. Much like that last sentence. That one ran on a bit. Anyway, better to rush it now, during the moments that make up a dull day at work. Once I’m done here, I have to return my rental Chevy Cobalt and pick up my (in my best Rod Roddy) BRAND NEW CAR! A 2011 Jeep Patriot. I’ve named it Pat. Pat Riot. It’ll be nice to drive a proper vehicle again. I’m not a big guy, but I needed a shoe horn to get in and out of the Cobalt. On a less exciting note, I also get a BRAND NEW CAR PAYMENT! Blech.
Once I get home, I have to delouse and put on my spiffy duds for the first of six shows at the DC Improv this weekend with Judah Friedlander. Have I mentioned that? Because if I haven’t, I should also mention that tickets are going fast and you can get yours at DCImprov.com.
I’ll leave you with one of the more morbidly hilarious things I’ve seen today. Enjoy…
See you Friday.
Hey there, ‘Redheads… It’s 11:15pm on Wednesday, and I have a few things to share with you. First and foremost, if you haven’t yet gotten your tickets to see me at the DC Improv, tomorrow through Sunday, with Judah Friedlander, time is running out. The 8pm show on Friday and both shows on Saturday are SOLD OUT. Once he starts doing his local promotional blitz on morning radio, whatever’s left is going to go quick. So, go to DCImprov.com to get your tickets and I’ll wait here for you to get back.
Got ’em? Good.
They say you learn something new every day. Today I learned that DaVinci invented scissors. Shortly thereafter, his mother coined the phrase, “You’ll putta your eye out!” I’m betting the invention of band-aids came right after that. If necessity is the mother of invention, then bleeding is it’s second cousin.
Since my truck got all smashy a couple weeks ago, I’ve seen a couple big wrecks on the road that I’ve missed being a part of by about thirty seconds. I saw a five car wreck on 295 yesterday that was caused by a couch in the road. The couch got the worst of it. Completely undriveable. What it was doing in the road is beyond me. Maybe the guy who owned misunderstood what a convertible couch is.
See you Thursday.
Hey there, ‘Redheads… Happy Friday to you and yours. The sun was shining just a little bit brighter today because Duke got trounced by Arizona and bounced from the NCAA tourney. Just so you know, this one is to keep the streak alive and to let you know that I’ll have a super-size installment, full of weekend hijinks, on Monday. I just got home from a fun gig up in Columbia. Big thanks to David Shofer and the gang up at Sonoma’s for having me on their one year anniversary comedy show.
I will use this spot for a shameless plug. Tickets are going fast for next weekend’s slate of shows at the DC Improv with Judah Friedlander from 30 Rock. I’ll be featuring and Laura Prangley will be hosting. Six shows, Thursday through Sunday. So, stop your grinnin’ and drop your linen because the Saturday early show is already sold out and the rest are soon to follow. Go to DCImprov.com for tix and info.
See you Monday. I’m going to bed.
See you Monday
Hey there, ‘Redheads… Miss me? It’s been damn near two weeks since I was here last. As per usual, I have no good excuse for the blatant neglect, but I offer a half-hearted apology and a half-hearted blog entry, which adds up to some wholehearted mediocrity for ye. Try to contain yourselves. You’ll be happy to know that I’m making progress on being able to be in two places at once…if the two places are really close together. I’ve missed a bunch of holidays in my absence, so let me quickly (lazily) touch on a couple, through video…
As you can see, I’ve put a ton of thought into this post. In no way is it just a lazy place marker. I could just go stream of consciousness and see how that works out. I saw what could be my favorite movie of the year yesterday. Do yourself a favor and shove this gem to the front of your Netflix queueueue. Black Dynamite. Two easy steps: 1) Watch Black Dynamite. 2) Thank me. In the words of the color commentator calling the USA/Canada hockey game, it’s “tremendously tremendous.” Please support that flick before you flush any of your hard earned cash away to see that atrocious hack piece of dreck Tracy Morgan movie, Cop Out. I realize I don’t have much of a leg to stand on making an argument like this, when this blog is currently craptacular.
Speaking of supporting quality entertainment, I’d like to let you know that I’ll be featuring at the DC Improv on April 1-3 for Ben Bailey, host of Cash Cab. Click the link for tix and info.
I promise to have a more focused entry for you as I emanate from Tobacco Road. I’ll be in Clayton, NC this Thurs-Sat at LOL Comedy Club. But you’ll be here. I’ll try to be in both places…
Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s Day 18 of Blog-A-Day in May, and I’m caught in a quandary…a technological quagmire…and a couple other huge Scrabble moves. On the one hand, I got a brand new cell phone, with 3G technology that puts the world at my fingertips. However, these fingertips might as well be on the one hand of an Amish guy who just awoke from a five decade long coma. These fancy blinking lights frighten and confuse me…and these buttons are proud. I am at the mercy of these machines of convenience. Do you know what I realized today? I don’t know anyone’s actual phone number. I just push the button and take completely for granted that this tiny box will call my friends and family. When the possibility that my contact list might not transfer from my old phone to my new one, my left arm went numb. I felt like Burgess Meredith from that Twilight Zone episode where he’s the last man on earth, he has all of the books he could ever want to read and all the time to read them, then his glasses break. Of course, you probably haven’t seen it, since it was a black and white episode and Burgess Meredith wasn’t training Rod Serling to fight Clubber Lang.
Not only am I behind the curve with the phones, but I can’t get a goddamn video to upload. My computer can only handle the frame rate of a flip book, apparently. I picked up an HD video camera in the hopes of becoming a YouTube sensation. I recorded my above average performances from the Improv over the weekend. When I try to input the footage into my computer, it’s like trying to force feed an elephant…to a smaller elephant. So, no I don’t have any video reconnaissance of my great shows at the DC Improv. I may instead convey it through interpretive dance. Stay tuned.
Big thanks to the DC Improv for another amazing slate of shows. For those of you who watch Dancing With the Stars, check out Tuesday’s show. Jeff Ross will be roasting the three finalists and I’m hoping he uses the joke I gave him. It’s a fat joke aimed at Steve Wozniak about how the stars on the show orbit him. Keep an ear peeled. If I can figure out how to turn on the television, I’ll be watching too…
See ya then…
Hey there ‘Redheads… Welcome to Day 16 of Blog-A-Day in May. Boy howdy am I draggin’ ass today. Normally, when I’m playing a club in town, I try to work my schedule so I’m not working the day job on Saturday. No such luck this time around, so I had to be up at 7:00am after getting to bed at around 2:00am.
A bit about what I do to pay the bills. I work at an auto parts and supply store. Nothing glamorous, but I can pay my mortgage on Stately Stern Manor, and they give me time off for road gigs. One of the primary services we offer is custom mixing car paint for body shops. So, the bulk of my day is spent in the paint room, breathing in technicolor. Think Fantasia meets How Green Was My Valley (I’ll wait while you click over to IMDB). Of course, we have giant exhaust fans to help disperse the vapors, but for the most part I spend my day huffing paint fumes. I’ve been doing this for awhile and it hasn’t pancakes accordion doorstop to me yet. When I die, I plan to donate my lungs. I’m going to have them backlit and hung up at the Hirschhorn…it’ll be trippy.
Another great pair of sold out shows at the Improv last night. I’m being spoiled rotten by the crowds. Seriously, the audience at the DC Improv is a gift. I’m going to try to get some video of tonight’s shows and hopefully I’ll have some clips for you guys on Monday.
See you tomorrow…