State of Me

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I, like alot of you, just got done watching the State of the Union address. In order to spice up the proceedings, I drank every time John Boehner got weepy. I am hammered. Man, he did not look happy when Obama brought up clean energy. This doesn’t make any sense to me. He’s so tan, you’d think he’d be pro-solar power. Boehner is so orange, he makes Snooki look like Gwyneth Paltrow. When Obama started talking about how the space race spurred such growth back in the 60’s, I was hoping he’d say, “…which is why I propose we put a man on Mars before the North Koreans do!” I thought it was a good speech, but with the intermingled seating between parties, it was tough to tell which side agreed with him. I always enjoyed the lopsided standing ovations of States of the Union past, one side on their feet, while the other side has their arms crossed and bitter beer faces. But enough about the Union. Let’s get to the state of me.

I’m not sure what’s gotten into me lately, but this is the second night in a row I’ve gone to the gym. My girlfriend got a Groupon for a one month membership to Results, so now I aim to get some. I’ve started slow, literally, I’m power walking on the treadmill. Two and a half miles over randomly inclined terrain at a brisk 3.5 speed setting. I know, I’m an animal. A sloth. I had to keep myself from laughing when a woman in her sixties got on the treadmill next to me. Here I am, at 3.5, with a variable incline of 0 to 1.5, and I look over to see her at 3.6 at a steady incline of 7. Maybe I’ll try a water aerobics class tomorrow. Anyway, it’s a start. I’ve stayed steady with the blog, so maybe I can stick with this and mold this tub of goo into something that resembles abs. Let’s just go for one ab. Baby steps. In fact, I half expect a toddler to bench more than me at this point.

See you Wednesday…


Hey there ‘Redheads… We’re not even a month into 2010 and my blog muscles have begun to atrophy. Well, what’s not done is done. Let’s pretend you’ve missed me and move on. So, I just got done watching as much as my ADD would let me of the State of the Union address. I am not a political wonk (I’m more of a Willy wonk) but, from what I could piece together between flipping channels, Barack killed it. It’s so nice to have a president who is a comfortable public speaker. When Bush gave his SOTU’s, I always thought it was a neat trick when he’d keep talking while Cheney sipped his glass of water.

I’ve also been enjoying the bally-hoo surrounding the latest Apple gizmo, the iPad. This is basically an iPod touch for people with fat fingers and bad eyesight. It’s the giant calculator of our generation. When it comes to Apple products, I enjoy the classics…Old Reliable, the Apple IIc. Sturdy. Dependable. The thing is old enough to legally rent a car and it still works. The screen is a piercing monochrome green. I’ve absorbed enough radiation from it over the years that now, whenever I become angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs. The picture of it takes up more memory than it has. But now you crazy kids have your newfangled iPads. I think I remember seeing an ad for it awhile back…

On the sports front, it was nice to finally see a couple compelling NFL playoff games. That Vikings/Saints game was one of the best playoff games in recent memory. I’d like to thank the Vikings for letting me dust off one of my favorite lines to describe their 5 turnover performance… *Ahem* I’ve seen fewer balls thrown away at a dog neutering facility. Despite putting the ball on the ground (lookin’ like a fool with your ball on the ground) that many times, they were still in a position to win the game in the closing seconds. I don’t fault Favre for tossing that last interception. He was getting pounded like a veal cutlet for the whole game, so he was probably seeing double at that point. But then the game went to overtime, and this fierce contest between these two great teams was put in the hands of the refs and the review booth. An absolutely hideous pass interference call put the Saints in field goal range, and that was it. I’m not unhappy with the prospect of a Saints/Colts Super Bowl, but no amount of confetti could cover how crappy the end of that game was.

On Saturday night, I’m performing in the DC Improv Comedy Lounge with Jason Weems, Erik Myers, and Aparna Nancherla. They sold out the 8:00, so a 10:30 was added. Do yourself a favor, click on the link, and get your grubby mitts on some tix, while the getting is good. Even if you’re sick of me, this show is gonna be dynamite.

To be continued… iPromise…