Category: Baltimore Comedy Factory

Shiva H. Vishnu

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Baltimore Comedy Factory, comedy, crazy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Indian Talent Show, Indiana Jones, Jared Stern, video, Warriors of Goja

Hey there, ‘Redheads… The internet is a strange wonderful cornucopia stuffed with all kinds crazy crap… That metaphor kind of lost steam there, but trust me, the guys operating the “Batshit Crazy Video” chute at the Internet Factory have churned out a glorious nugget of awesome. Enjoy…

I, for one, welcome our new Indian overlords. It’s like someone took Blue Man Group, Jackass, and the cast of Slumdog Millionaire, put them in the Street Fight match between Shane McMahon and Kurt Angle at the 2001 King of the Ring (google it). The sheer terror on the female judge’s face looks like she got a glimpse of the Ark of the Covenant. Speaking of which, the only thing that would’ve made this video better is if this happened at the end…

Bravo, Internet… Bravo…

See Me… Feel Me… Book Me…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Baltimore Comedy Factory, comedy, Comedy Zone, gig, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern

Hey there, ‘Redheads… This has turned into a lazy Thursday. No plans. Completely unencumbered with anything to do. And I could’ve gone outside and enjoyed the great weather, but no, I twiddled my thumbs on the interwebs and before I knew it, darkness had fallen with nothing to show for it except two bleary bloodshot eyes staring back at me when I happened to catch my reflection in the computer screen. At least, I hope those were my eyes. Anyway, I decided to fill up this space with some of my upcoming comedy gigs, so if you wanted to see me live and in person, or if you wanted to know how better to avoid me, that info would be at your eager little fingertips. Also, any comedy bookers out there who crave my brand of mild amusement, this information can better help you find out when I might be available to trade some funny for some money.

And away we go:
APRIL 15 (TOMORROW NIGHT): At the Barking Dog in Bethesda, MD for a District Live Comedy Event with Brian Parise, Martin Plant, and Jeff Maurer
APRIL 22 & 23: At the Comedy Zone in Warwick, RI
APRIL 28-30: At the Baltimore Comedy Factory, opening for Bill Bellamy
MAY 20 & 21: At the Comedy Zone in Myrtle Beach, SC
JUNE 10 & 11: At Moxie’s in Statesville, NC
JUNE 24 & 25: At the Comedy Zone in Lynchburg, VA
JULY 8 & 9: At the Comedy Zone in Harrisburg, PA

See you Friday. And hopefully at some of these shows. C’mon, people.

Storm of Brain

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Baltimore Comedy Factory, Blogust, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, power, weather

Hey there ‘Redheads… Welcome back to Blogust… And welcome to any new readers who found me through DCBlogs.com. Apparently, the last installment got picked up on their feed because they deemed mini-golf, dinosaurs, and large blocks of styrofoam to be awesome. I won’t argue with good taste.

I meant to squeeze another installment into July, but the power outage from that apocalyptic storm we had tear through here last week threw a flying monkey wrench into my plans. It’s tough to blog from Amish country. At one point, I removed the buttons from my remote control because they were too proud. Not only did I lose power for the better part of three days, but the jolt that knocked out the power also blew out the motor on my refrigerator. When the lights finally did come back on, I was greeted by a stench that could’ve knocked a buzzard off a shit wagon. All the food I had in there was more spoiled than Paris Hilton’s chihuahua. So, in order to prevent a hazmat team from quarantining my condo, I double bagged a hefty, put on some gloves, and dug a mass grave for all of my perished perishables. I’m pretty sure I heard a voice say, “Zuul”. By the way, a great name for a band: Hot Dairy. They’d be a funk band, of course. I realize that all this was a minor inconvenience compared to some of the actual catastrophe that was wrought by this swift but powerful storm. I could’ve lived here…Luckily, the family that lived here was on vacation at the time. Good thing they’re used to hotel living. Yeesh. What is up with the weather around here? It’s calmed down in the last couple of days, but we went through a stretch where it was 112 in the shade, then there was an earthquake, then a storm that’s like a tornado fucked a hurricane hits from out of nowhere. Would you be surprised by locusts at this point? Because I wouldn’t be. God must’ve gotten a parking ticket in Bethesda or something.

After dealing with all of that mess, I welcomed a weekend performing at one of my favorite clubs, the Baltimore Comedy Factory. Charm City is always good to me and this slate of shows was no exception. Big thanks to Cara and the crackerjack staff for they do to make a shlub like me feel at home. I got a chance to work with the very funny Drew Fraser. It was fun to watch him work because our vocal styles are so different. Stand-up comedy is alot like surfing. Instead of water, we ride waves of laughter that ripple out from the main joke with tag lines and vocal cues. With each wave, you try to add something that’ll keep the ripples flowing. Drew creates a tsunami with screaming. I’ve not heard a comic that loud since Sam Kinison. He conducted a cacophonous symphony that was fun to watch, if a little painful to listen to. The audience was gasping for breath at one point. Another fun side note to the weekend was that Otakon, the anime convention, was in town, so I got to see socially awkward types with patchy facial hair dressed like Link from Legend of Zelda mingle with the usual freaks that roam Baltimore’s streets. It was an odd cross section of humanity.

I’ll leave you with this fun little ditty…

If you’re not giggling, you’re not human.

To be continued…

Snow Means Snow…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Avatar, Baltimore Comedy Factory, comedy, Cozzy's, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, snow, Super Bowl

Hey there ‘Redheads… Remember, in the last installment, when I told everyone to just get a hold of yourselves, and not give the impending snow an imposing name because it would only serve in blowing everything out of proportion? Well, upon further review… RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! Ok, nature, we get it. Enough with the cold fluffy death from above. I wasn’t in town for the brunt of it, but I was watching the Georgetown game on ESPN and they kept showing exterior shots of the Verizon Center. 30+ inches in some places. You know it’s a lot of snow when it’s not safe to let midgets roam free. And now, we need to brace ourselves for potentially 20 inches or more. If this next storm maxes out, snowplows aren’t going to cut it. We’re going to need AT-ATs. When nature flexes it’s muscle, why fight it? I think it’s a great chance to appreciate the beauty behind the brute force. This morning I saw where the weight of the snow had brought down a tree on top of a speed camera. Now that’s fuckin‘ beautiful. Clock that, you asshole.

Like I mentioned, I was able to skip town before the area got completely frost bitten. I made it down I-95 to one of my favorite comedy clubs, Cozzy’s in Newport News, VA. I wasn’t able to escape the weather entirely. We got torrential rain, which turned to snow, which turned to ice. No major accumulations, but just enough to make residents lose their minds. In order to keep from going completely stir crazy in my room that didn’t have a functional remote control, I ventured out to the local multiplex. The only thing that was starting when I showed up was Avatar. I wasn’t keen on seeing it, but any port in a storm. I had heard all the reviews… 3-D visuals with a 2-D story. I’ll admit it. The 3-D was pretty cool. A pinata from which an endless stream of eye candy spilled. I’m pretty sure I got eyeabetes. My left eye was a bleary bloodshot mess after mainlining nearly 3 hours of smurftastic special effects. It was not ungood…

Not Cameron’s best, by a long shot, but it will change the way you watch movies…they’ll be more expensive now.

Once the weekend fun was done, I had to make the trek back home. I was moving at a pretty brisk clip, until I reached the rain/snow line near Fredricksburg. I-95 was a caked on mess. It was so pock marked with potholes, you’d think it had been renamed Edward James Olmos highway. The last 40 miles of my trip took roughly 2 hours, but I made it home to find a parking space carved out and my power and heat running. Not only that, but I got home in time to warm my cockles by watching my Terps beat the tar out of North Carolina. Coupled with a great win for the Caps, that would normally be a great sports weekend, but there was still the Super Bowl left to play. I enjoyed the game. It was close, there were some great signature plays, and the Colts lost, so I was happy… The one thing that irked me was the combined point total, and that it wasn’t higher than the age of the band playing halftime. Seriously, The Who have been around longer than the Super Bowl. The ads were ok. Nothing really stood out among the talking babies and the screaming chickens.

After you dig out of the snowverkill, come dig me in Charm City this weekend…Print out this coupon and drinks are on the house…Bask in the warm glow of mild amusement.

To be continued…

Take Two Pillows…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Baltimore Comedy Factory, Bea Arthur, comedy, Danny Gans, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May, Star Wars, tired

Good morning, ‘Redheads… It’s Day 2 of Blog-A Day in May and, so far, I haven’t missed a day (small victories, people). I’m working on about 3 hours of sleep after doing three shows at the Baltimore Comedy Factory last night, then having to scrape myself out of bed with a spatula to come to work this morning. I am formerly hausted. Normally, I try to work my schedule so I don’t have to do the day job on a Factory weekend, but things didn’t quite work out this time, so I’ll be spending today shambling around like an extra in a George Romero flick (brains, anyone?…anyone?). And that last show was a complete drunken fustercluck.

Allow me to explain. First, let me say that the Factory is one of my favorite clubs. The staff is great, the place is a block away from a Five Guys, and the crowds are generally awesome. However, the Factory does two things that alot of other clubs don’t…they have a late late show on Friday night and they offer all-you-can-drink tickets to entice patrons. This can create a perfect storm for drunken mayhem in the audience, making it a crapshoot for the comics stepping on stage. By “crapshoot”, I meant the crowd could literally begin shooting crap at you. Basically, the crowd was too drunk to want to pay attention, and those that did thought they were participating in some sloshed McLaughlin Group, with every joke being a chance for a drunk slunt (look it up) to try to make the show all about them. Oy vey. I felt like I should’ve started my set with, “We, who are about to die, salute you!” But that was just last night and I needed blog material. I’ve also been a part of some great Friday late late shows there. Just sayin’…last night’s crowd stunk out loud.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the passing of two showbiz greats. Yesterday, Sin City lost one of it’s biggest performers, Danny Gans. He died in is sleep at age 52. I never got to see Danny Gans, but whenever I was planning a trip to Vegas, my parents would always tell me to go to his show. He was a musical impressionist…not exactly my brand of vodka, but everyone tells me he was amazing…

Also, last weekend, the world lost Bea Arthur. Instead of thanking her for being a friend, I thought I’d share a rare clip of her with the late great Harvey Korman in… The Star Wars Holiday Special. I shit you not. Stick with it, she shows up about a minute in. Enjoy.

Bea, we hardly knew ye…

See you tomorrow…

It Begins…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Baltimore Comedy Factory, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, lego, silence, swine flu

Hey there ‘Redheads… I wanted to squeeze one last installment into April, since this month has been so sparse. I do plan to pick up the slack. As some of you might remember, I am a fan of the occasional stunt blog. So, I’d like to announce my latest attempt to boost readership, Blog-A-Day in May. Last year, I tried Joke-A-Day in May, which lasted about 10 days before it sputtered and went kaput. I think I can keep this one going…for at least that long. We’ll see. So, everyday in May, you’ll get a quickie that’ll either be a random nugget or a recap from my comedy travels…basically, what you usually get, just not spaced weeks apart.

The hysteria du jour is the dreaded swine flu…the pig plague…the pork pandemic. The CDC recently quarantined three houses. One was made of straw, one was made of wood, and the other was made of brick. I’m not worried about contracting swine flu. Not because there are only 100 cases in the entire country of 300 million people, but because I’ve vaccinated myself…with 10cc of bacon fat. I latest wrinkle in this story is that Orthodox Jews have taken offense to the name “swine flu”, because pigs aren’t kosher. This makes no sense to me. Maybe if it was called “swine kampf”, then I could see why it would be offensive.

I found this little gem on YouTube the other day and I thought I’d share. Enjoy…

I’m at the Baltimore Comedy Factory this weekend with Reverend Bob Levy, from the Howard Stern Show. This kicks off my seven week comedy mini-tour. I’m in Harrisburg next weekend and the DC Improv after that. If you plan to swing by the Factory this weekend, drinks are on me…

See you tomorrow…

Maddening

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Baltimore Comedy Factory, brackets, comedy, DC Improv, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, NCAA, St. Patrick's Day

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Greetings from beyond the flowing rivers of green beer and vomit. I hope everyone had a Happy St. Viviana’s Day…never heard of it? That’s probably because I just made it up. She’s the patron saint against hangovers and headaches…so, who better to name the day after St. Patrick’s Day for? I’d like to nominate someone else for patron sainthood (can a Jew do that?). I think Jack Bauer should be the patron saint of badasses. I watched Jack kill a man, then start up a truck with the same bloody screwdriver. Somebody call Vince from the ShamWow and SlapChop commercials, because I’ve got a feeling the StabStart is gonna be bigger than the Snuggie. By the way, if the blog seems mintier than usual, it’s because this blogging session is being fueled by Girl Scout Thin Mints. That’s right, Thin Mints, making poops smell like altoids since 1980.

So, I should break a small bit of crappy comedy news to you. You may remember in an earlier installment, when I was touting an upcoming feature spot at the DC Improv. Yeah, well…turns out I’ve been bumped from that stratosphere back down to earthly hosting duties. The headliner is bringing his own guy to feature. No worries, though…it’ll still be a fun slate of sold-out shows…just less of me. Me concentrate. So, come check out less of me May 14-17 with Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross. Click the link for tix and info.

And thanks to everyone who came out to the shows at the Baltimore Comedy Factory last weekend. Apparently, people that I don’t know either read the blog or stalk me on Facebook, because plenty of printed out coupons with my name on them showed up and I didn’t recognize any of the drunken masses as they filed past me and ignored my attempts to sell CDs. So, here’s to my supposed fan base.

Congrats to my Terps for squeaking their way into the big dance. They kick off what’ll hopefully be a deep run in the tourney on Thursday. Here’s the thing with having them in the tourney…I have to try to fill out my brackets without seeming disloyal. If they play up to their potential, they can beat anyone in the country, so it might be easy to justify a national title run, but I have to bet with my head instead of my heart. I’d love to see a UMD/Morgan St. rematch in the championship game, but that’s just not gonna happen. The 2009 brackets might as well be pinned on a dart board this year. Any one of about ten teams could conceivably win it all. Once the games tip off, I fully expect my brackets to collapse like a game of Jenga in the Parkinson’s ward. Heck, this year the tourney could be won by Stone Cold Steve Austin, who will be playing Syracuse 5 on 1…he gets a steel chair, of course. And this year, President Obama has filled out a Baracket. I think he picked UNC to win it all. As a country, we better hope they do because I think he bet the bailout money on it.

In case you care, here’s my Final Four prediction:


MIDWEST REGION: WAKE FOREST
WEST REGION: MEMPHIS
EAST REGION: PITT
SOUTH REGION: SYRACUSE
CHAMPIONSHIP GAME: WAKE vs. SYRACUSE
NCAA CHAMPION: SYRACUSE


Book it. Let the games begin.

Addendum

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in abortion, Baltimore Comedy Factory, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, sports names, turtle soup

Hey there ‘Redheads… I was thinking that the last blog installment was self-absorbed and self-important. What’s that? ALL of the installments are self-absorbed and self-important? Well, in any case, I was so wrapped up in the flour tortilla of my impending business (pronounced “busy-ness”), that I neglected a few dollops of random guacamole. So, here’s a super happy bonus installment…enjoy.

Apparently, March 10th was National Day of Appreciation for Abortion Providers. What, you might ask, is an appropriate gift for National Day of Appreciation for Abortion Providers? Well, I have no idea, but I did come up with a couple inappropriate gifts…
–A simple bouquet…of wire hangers
–A plate of scrambled eggs
–A Cabbage Patch Kid…with a gift receipt

I caught part of the World Baseball Classic, and by “part”, I mean one play out of the the corner of my eye on a tv in my periphery while I was screaming at the Terps on the tv directly in front of me. Anyway, I believe it was America vs. Canadia (you heard me). One of the U.S. players’ last name was Putz. I want that jersey. It got me to thinking about my favorite sports names…in no particular order:
1. D’Brickashaw Ferguson
2. Nook Logan
3. Miroslav Satan
4. Radek Bonk
5. Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje
6. Sarunas Jasikevicius (yes-you-kaveshus)
7. God Shammgod

I ate turtle soup for the first time on Saturday night. It joins the list of other exotic animals I’ve consumed: alligator (in omelet form), shark (in fried nugget form), and human (I bit my lip). The turtle soup was delicious…the flavor was slow and steady. My one regret was that it wasn’t served in the shell. C’mon, the turtle is the only animal that has a natural bowl (nod to Jerry Thomas).

Ok, that’s enough random crap. Back to me. Remember, if you enjoy the blog, you should extrapolate that to liking me and check out my Facebook fan page. Declare your undying…like. Also, starting Thursday night, I’m kicking off another can’t-miss fun weekend at one of my favorite clubs, the Baltimore Comedy Factory. And if you don’t enjoy sobriety, then have I got a deal for you: See me, drink free. Just print out this handy-dandy coupon to pickle you, whilst I tickle you…

See you in Charm City.

To be continued…

Fast Forward

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Baltimore Comedy Factory, comedy, DC Improv, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern

Hey there ‘Redheads… I hope everyone has adjusted to the quantum leap forward into a dystopian future where our economy has crumbled. If only we had that one hour back, you would be able to…read this earlier. Well, get your heads straight, people. The next couple of months, the calendar is going to turn into a flip book. My apologies to whoever’s job it is to govern the laws of space and time. Whenever I have things to look forward to, they approach at warp speed. I’m just saying, if you have stuff to do between now and June, you should get your ducks in a row. In two weeks, I’m going back to Vegas…in time for the Final Four. And when I get back, I kick off eight straight weeks of comedy work…including a week at the DC Improv, May 14-17, featuring for Jeff Ross. And the night before that, I’m going to the Spinal Tap Unwigged & Unplugged concert at the Warner Theater. Check your watches…it might already be April. Confused? Maybe this can clear things up…

Before my 1.21 gigawatt expectations accidentally leave me stranded two months from now, waiting for anyone who gives a goddamn to catch up with me, let’s focus on the present and not too distant past.

First, for the ‘Redheads in Charm City… I’m back at the Baltimore Comedy Factory this weekend. Three nights, seven shows, and zero dollars for drinks. Because I’m funnier when I’m blurry around the edges, I’m offering a bailout from your senses…DRINKS ARE ON ME. Just print out this handy dandy coupon…


Baltimore has always been beddy beddy good to me, so I’m looking forward to a fun time up I-95.

Speaking of fun times in a northerly direction, I had a blast up at the Lake Ontario Playhouse to finish off February. It was a last minute gig, and I’m glad it luckily fell in my lap. Big thanks to the great staff up there and the cool folks in the town of Sacket’s Harbor, NY. I drove up there with Marc Unger, who was nice enough to bring me along. The place was right out of a Stephen King rough draft…quaint, but with slightly foreboding undertones. If the walls bled, I wouldn’tve been completely shocked. The playhouse itself is a former military dance hall from the 40’s that was converted into a comedy club. Very cool place…it had a Cheers vibe to it. Can’t wait to go back in the summer.

We got back to town just in time for it to snow nine inches. Barely a week later, it’s sunny and 70. This isn’t me. My ego can only warp time. If you’d like to feed my ravenous need for constant validation, I suggest you check out my Facebook Fan Page.

I wish I could affect the play of my Terps, who managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory over the weekend. Nothing is ever easy with this team…they dangle a glimmer of hope in front of us, then clang our hearts off the front end of the rim as the buzzer sounds. Mix enough metaphors for ya? Here’s hoping Gary Williams can wring every bit of talent juice from the ShamWow he uses to dry off with after every game. It’s be nice to fill out an NCAA bracket with a local team in it.

Ok. It’s late and I’m rambling. To be continued…

Fanuary

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Baltimore Comedy Factory, Cardinals, comedy, Facebook, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, plastics, Wiseacres

Hey there ‘Redheads… How’s your year been so far? We’re roughly two weeks in and I must say, mine is doing well to keep my low expectations and false hopes alive. The last installment was a quick one, so I’ve got about six pounds of crap to cram into this five pound bag of bunk. First, you may have noted the title. Why not kick off ’09 with some patented (pending) ’08 stunt blogging that’s past it’s sell-by date? Consider this a pledge drive of sorts. Since MySpace has become the light rock on the social network radio dial, I figured I’d start to dig my heels in over on Facebook. Take a gander over at the right-hand side of the blog and you’ll see the link to my Facebook fan page (where it says BECOME A ‘REDHEAD). Click on it and pledge your digital devotion in my general direction.

Big thanks to Charm City and the crackerjack staff at the Baltimore Comedy Factory for yet another great weekend on their stage. We had some fun shows, despite a couple being lightly attended. Our first show on Saturday night fell victim to the juggernaut of the NFL Playoffs…specifically, the Ravens game. All of Baltimore was glued to a bar stool in front a flat screen tv, mainlining beer and chicken wings, while the Ravens plucked out the eyes of the Titans. There was about 25 people at the show…most of them Steelers fans. We still had fun. I was pretty psyched, because I test drove some brand new material all weekend and it’s a keeper. Speaking of the playoffs, I’m pretty sure if the Cardinals go to the SuperBowl, the seismic force of every football fan in America simultaneously smacking themselves in the forehead, will cause a tsunami that will swallow Tampa Bay. So…Go Eagles.

We’ll be right back after this brief message…

…and we’re back. The economy is rough, so I figured I’d sell commercial time on the blog. I’m also leasing out my left nostril to that family in the Mucinex ad. Tough times.

I would be remiss, if I didn’t mention the recent sinking of the good ship Wiseacres. They closed their doors pretty much right after the ball dropped. After getting my feet wet up in Baltimore, my formative comedy years were spent on the Wiseacres stage. I recorded my comedy cd there. It’s a big loss for the area comedy scene. It was the only regular weekly open mic held at an actual comedy club. When your primary goal is to eventually get work at a comedy club, there’s no better feedback you can get than from a comedy club crowd. Plus, it was a great place to hang out with your brothers and sisters in arms and shoot the shit in a Cheers meets Mos Eisley atmosphere…a wretched hive of scum and villainy where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you came. Hopefully, the hole it leaves will eventually get plugged.

Does everyone have their plans for the big inaugural festivities? This city is about to get swarmed with hope and smothered by idealism. They’re projecting 4 million people will show up in DC…4 million people who don’t know their way around. And I’m going to be right in the thick of the clusterfuckery (look it up). I finagled tickets to the Black Tie & Boots Inaugural Ball put on by the Texas State Society. Anyone know where I can find a pair a of cowboy boots and a bola tie?

To be continued…