Category: gym

Prez Dispenser

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Calvert Cliffs, comedy, gym, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Martin Van Buren, President's Day

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Happy President’s Day to you and yours. The day when we celebrate the presidents of the past, like George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, and the presidents of the modern day, like David Palmer and Bill Pullman from Independence Day. It’s because of them that we’re able to get such great deals on mattresses and cars. While some presidents are well known to us, there are some that remain a mystery…

So, here’s my gym update thus far. I’ve been going and sticking to the regimen that the trainer showed me. I tried to kick it up a notch and take a cardio kickboxing class today. Here’s a sure sign that such a class is not for you: your field of vision starts to narrow five minutes in. Holy crap, am I out of shape. My girlfriend tells me that the burning in my lungs was normal, but that was red flag for me. I gave it what I could before stumbling out of the class to try to catch my breath, which left a couple minutes before.

On Sunday, my gal and I embarked on a road trip. We flipped a series of coins to figure out which direction to go, and south won. We ended up at Calvert Cliffs State Park…It was pretty scenic. It was a picturesque (because I took pictures) two mile hike out to the cliffs, which were essentially carved out of years of erosion. They were made of sand and clay. People are encouraged to dig through the layers to try and find fossilized shark teeth and such. I had been spoiled for nature after my visit to the Grand Canyon last year, but enough time had past that I wasn’t so jaded that this wasn’t cool to look at. Nature is fun, when it’s not trying to kill you. Here are some other shots from our hike…I’m a regular Ansel Adams. Anyway, it’s a fun way to spend a Sunday if you’ve got nothing to do. It was about an hour and a half drive and Solomon’s Island is right near by, if you dig seafood.

See you Tuesday.

Good Pain

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, gym, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Results, work out

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Happy Chinese New Year…in bed. Wow, is it the Year of the Rabbit already? The time does fly. So, remember, a couple blogs ago, when I told you that I was going to the gym? Rockin’ the treadmill, breaking sweat like plates at a Greek wedding. Yeah, well, y’know what I wasn’t doing? Any actual exercise. When we redeemed the Groupon over at Results Gym last week, I signed up for a one time consult with a trainer, so I could make sure I wasn’t doing anything incorrectly. Well, that consult was today. The initial result? OUCH. I’m more lactic acid now than man; twisted and evil. I wince when I walk, I whimper when I sit, and I whine when I stand up. Then my girlfriend reminds me that I am a giant baby. She’s tough, but fair. I have muscle groups that have woken up out of a three year coma. My biceps are pissed because I didn’t maintain their haircut and my glutes can’t believe the president is black. This is what I wanted, though. The pain lets me know that I actually did something and begs me to never do it again. We went through a pretty basic regimen that included lunges, push-ups, dips, and curls. The lunges came first and after the second set, my legs turned to pudding. I was about as sure footed as Bambi on a frozen pond. And most of these exercises were done in front of a mirror so I could see my face contort with each exasperated rep. All of this will hopefully get my cardio up to a level of non-embarrassment. The goal I’ve set for myself is to run in Survive DC when it comes around again this year without wheezing after the first all out sprint. I’ll, of course, keep you posted. I’ll have a bag of frozen peas on my ass in the meantime.

See you Friday.

State of Me

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in boehner, comedy, gym, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, State of the Union

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I, like alot of you, just got done watching the State of the Union address. In order to spice up the proceedings, I drank every time John Boehner got weepy. I am hammered. Man, he did not look happy when Obama brought up clean energy. This doesn’t make any sense to me. He’s so tan, you’d think he’d be pro-solar power. Boehner is so orange, he makes Snooki look like Gwyneth Paltrow. When Obama started talking about how the space race spurred such growth back in the 60’s, I was hoping he’d say, “…which is why I propose we put a man on Mars before the North Koreans do!” I thought it was a good speech, but with the intermingled seating between parties, it was tough to tell which side agreed with him. I always enjoyed the lopsided standing ovations of States of the Union past, one side on their feet, while the other side has their arms crossed and bitter beer faces. But enough about the Union. Let’s get to the state of me.

I’m not sure what’s gotten into me lately, but this is the second night in a row I’ve gone to the gym. My girlfriend got a Groupon for a one month membership to Results, so now I aim to get some. I’ve started slow, literally, I’m power walking on the treadmill. Two and a half miles over randomly inclined terrain at a brisk 3.5 speed setting. I know, I’m an animal. A sloth. I had to keep myself from laughing when a woman in her sixties got on the treadmill next to me. Here I am, at 3.5, with a variable incline of 0 to 1.5, and I look over to see her at 3.6 at a steady incline of 7. Maybe I’ll try a water aerobics class tomorrow. Anyway, it’s a start. I’ve stayed steady with the blog, so maybe I can stick with this and mold this tub of goo into something that resembles abs. Let’s just go for one ab. Baby steps. In fact, I half expect a toddler to bench more than me at this point.

See you Wednesday…