Hey there, ‘Redheads… Sorry once again for the bump in the blog road at the end of last week. I had to take a couple sick days because nature was trying to kill me. The air was so full of pollen, it was almost chewy, and my body was not ready for the aerial assault. The mucous in my lungs was driven by rage and pursued by an investigative reporter. So, what’s going on in the world? Oh, there was the Royal Wedding on Friday, with all of its pomp and circumstance. It seemed only right to give something but, unfortunately, a shit was not on William and Kate’s gift registry. It’s the thought that counts. Needless to say, I avoided that particular royale with cheese like the plague.
On to the big news that broke last night.
‘Twas the night before Monday, and tucked in my bed, I flipped through the channels with a pain in my head.
I was feeling quite groggy, so NBC I did click, to Celebrity Apprentice, to hear Trump be a dick.
But the news broke in before Donald could fire, to tell us Obama had a statement most dire.
What could it be? The economy? A new war? My mind raced with guesses galore.
But before I could figure it, as I lay in my bed, Obama told us that Osama was dead.
I was actually kind of pissed at the various news outlets, because it would’ve been a massive bombshell if Wolf Blitzer and the other pundits didn’t spoil it for us before the president even took the podium. The guy’s been sitting on this top secret operation for months, people. Let him have his moment. So, yeah, it’s been almost ten years, but we finally figured out where Osama bin hidin’. And it wasn’t in some spider hole or a dank cave. He was kickin’ it in the Pakistani Real World house. So, we sent in a super elite team of Navy SEALS to dictate his last words to him. In my mind, this squad was made up of Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, and Black Dynamite. America put a bullet between the eyes of the most recognizable face of terrorism. Are we any safer for it? Maybe. But at least he won’t be doing the terrorizing anymore. And the next guy better think twice, else we send another covert ops team in for a visit. Let them run scared for a change. When Obama told us that we had, “they killed Osama bin Laden and took custody of his body,” I half expected them to wheel him out, encased in carbonite. After the announcement, people took to the streets in celebration. Some say that death should not be celebrated, even if it cases like this. As Clarence Darrow once said, “I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
See you Tuesday.
JARED STERN'S ONLINE COMEDY CUBICLE 