Category: bris

All Work And No Blog…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in blizzard, bris, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Kick-Ass, snow

Hey there ‘Redheads… Greetings from beyond the frozen tundra. I hope everyone has dug out and are now able to go about their business. The pandemic of cabin fever around town made The Shining look like a documentary. A lot of people were excited about the snow. I call these people Eskimos. Here’s the sad truth about getting older and more practical. Snow no longer means care free frolicking. It’s a horrible inconvenience. Businesses shut down because no one can get anywhere. Luckily, I didn’t have a comedy gig this weekend, because it would’ve been cancelled. And the mere forecast of snow sends the populace into hysterics. People pile into the grocery store and ransack the aisles like they may never see sunlight again. God forbid you have to buy something simple, like toothpaste, because you get stuck in the express line behind 15 yahoos who have enough loaves of bread in their cart to build a fort out of pumpernickel. By the way, here’s a helpful shopping tip for the panic stricken masses: If the store is sold out of toilet paper, just buy extra bread. So, it’s a huge hassle for anyone who has plans that don’t involve crawling inside an animal carcass for warmth.

Such was the case for my parents and I, who needed to get up to Philly on Sunday for my as yet unnamed nephew’s bris. As of Saturday afternoon, we weren’t going to risk the trip, since we were one man short of a capable bobsled team. We decided to wait until early Sunday morning to see if the road crews made any headway. I got the call at 6am on Sunday that we were a go. I expected the trip to be a reenactment of the Donner Party. Turns out, we had a pretty clear shot up to Philly. So, without further ado, may I introduce my new nephew, Asher Yosef…
Nicknames abound for this kid. The obvious one, of course, is Ash. Until the bris, everyone has been calling him Sting because of the blond hair. Then, there’s the timeless classic, Scrunchyface McPoopypants.

And now, a tale of two trailers. When I saw Ninja Assassin recently, I saw this trailer for the upcoming comic book flick, Kick-Ass…

I was mildly interested, but not terribly impressed. It looked like a pretty tepid, kinda funny, smirk at the recent flood of superhero flicks. Today, I saw this trailer for the same movie…

HOLY. SHIT. This movie looks amazing. Take away the purple costume and this is what Natalie Portman’s character in The Professional could’ve become. Consider my ten bucks spent.

The balcony is closed. I’m going to bed. May you have a very merry and a holly jolly…

To be continued…

Gravy

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in American History Museum, bris, comedy, dorks, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, jokes, R2-D2, Star Wars, Thanksgiving

Hey there ‘Redheads… I wanted to shoehorn one more installment into Yesvember, before the last couple days were lost to food coma. So consider this a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade of gaudy, over-inflated, and poorly expressed ideas to help distract you from candied yams, Detroit Lions football, and the awkward interaction with the sap of your family tree. A big fat thank you for tolerating me thus far. And away we go…

I just got back from the bris for my buddy Seth’s new little munchkin, Ethan Perry…who will eventually be a member of the cast of the 2028 (when our already insipid retro ironic self-referential pop culture is hip again, ripping a hole in time…get all that?) revival of 90210, with a name like that. This was the second winky snipping that I’ve witnessed. Only slightly less cringe-inducing than the last one. The kid put up a bit of a fight, when he peed on the mohel right before the circumsnippage (look it up) occurred. For some reason, the mohel had a bluetooth in his ear the whole time, I guess in case of a last minute pardon from the governor.

On Saturday, I took a trip down to the newly re-opened American History Museum. The cosmetic overhaul was well done, but I found the content of the place to be a bit lacking, particularly the pop culture representation. Sure, the regular history stuff is cool, but I was looking forward to seeing Fonzie’s jacket, Archie Bunker’s chair, or Herve Villechaize (coulda sworn he was there). Well, none of that is there anymore. Here’s a sampling of what was on display…you tell me if I’m being unfair. One case was devoted to women’s basketball…you heard me. The next case over was hip-hop themed, with Grandmaster Flash’s turntable and Fab Five Freddie’s boom box. Across from that was a case with boxing gloves from Muhammad Ali, Jack Dempsey, and, of course, Rocky. Then there was a case that had Apolo Anton Ohno’s speedskates…c’mon, this is the American History Museum, not a silent auction for the ice capades. Next to that, was something that actually belonged there, Kermit the Frog. The next case contained another muppet, Oscar the Grouch, the puffy shirt from Seinfeld, and the ventriloquist dummy from the 70’s tv show, Soap. Then there was the centerpiece of the exhibit, the ruby slippers from The Wizard of Oz. It was a pretty paltry hodgepodge. No mention of pop culture heavyweights Superman, Elvis, The Beatles, or Mickey Mouse. Luckily, the museum didn’t completely slight Star Wars. They had C3-P0 by the main entrance of the museum among a general sampling of historical trinkets. There was also an appearance by R2-D2, who rolled and beeped through the halls of the museum under remote control, courtesy of the DC chapter of the R2-D2 Builders Club. According to their brochure, they’re an internet based fan club (shocker) with over 5000 members…cluttering parents’ basements worldwide. The droids they had on display were pretty impressive…give ’em a click and check it out. While we’re on the subject, please enjoy this chunk of dork meat…

And while we’re at it, here’s a second helping…

Ok, enough of that. Here are some random processed joke-like product that’s been kicking around in my head the last couple days…

The inventor of the slinky died. He fell down the stairs…slowly. Actually, he got stuck with three steps left to go and someone had to push him the rest of the way down…

I have a Siamese twin-size bed. It’s two beds, connected at the headboard.

I’m bothered by the phrase “take a nap”. Like it’s not yours. Where are people taking these naps from?
“Jeez, Bill, you look like crap. You get enough sleep?”
“No, somebody took my nap.”

Thanks.