Category: sunburn

And… Scene.

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Comedy Zone, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May, sunburn

Hey there ‘Redheads… We’re down to the last day of Blog-A-Day in May. For those of you who’ve stuck around for this long, drawn out, exercise in self-importance, congratulations. I hope you’ve enjoyed it as much as I’ve enjoyed doing it…to you. Don’t consider this last installment a payoff for your diligence… This one will be just as mildly amusing as the previous 30. And away we go…

If there’s one thing I slacked on whilst tripping the blog fantastic (fine…mediocre), it was the pretty pictures to go along with the over inflated wordage. In particular, some people clamored for visual evidence of my sunburn from last weekend. Since I don’t actually own a camera, I have to rely on other people to get the pictures. Well, this one finally came through… Watch. Wince. Repeat.

It’s tough to tell which is pastier, my thigh or my sock. The sock is white. The thigh is tragically white.

Had another fun couple of shows at the Greensboro Comedy Zone last night. Once again, it was a tale of two crowds. The early show was great. They laughed in all the right spots. They bought me shots on stage. They were picking up what I was puttin’ down. The late show was not as giving. I’m going to write a book about the late show, called “That Crowd Just Wasn’t That Into Me”.

So, today I had a couple hours to kill before driving to Fayetteville for two more shows tonight. I decided to go to the local Hooters, for some wings and polite ogling. While chit-chatting with my waitress, it came up that I was a comic. Unfortunately, I was within earshot of a couple guys who think thought I could use a new joke for my act. Before I knew it, one of them waddled over and leaned on the chair next to me and told me the following “joke” as I’m eating my wings (I’ll try to type it correctly)…

There’s this teenage girl who wants to borrow the family car. So she asks her daddy, “Daddy, can I have the car. It’s very important.” Well, it goes on and on. The dad says, “I’ll only lend it to you if you give me a blowjob.” The girl said, “What, Daddy?” So, they went back and forth, until the girl finally said ok. So, the dad drops his trousers and she starts going to town. She stops and spits and says, “Daddy, your dick tastes like shit.” He says, “Yeah, I know. Your brother wanted the car this morning.”

Bon appetit. I know that’s the kind of thing I would say, unsolicited, to a stranger. The question is, do I open with it or close with it?

Thanks for reading all month. Now that I’ve proven that I can do this more regularly, I suppose I should. Maybe Blog-Every-Other-Day-In-June…or something. Stay tuned.

To be continued…

So You Think You Can Blog…?

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Kim Jong Il, May, sunburn

Hey there ‘Redheads… Day 27 of Blog-A-Day in May is upon us, and things are starting to fall apart…mostly on my face. The peeling stage of my sunburn has set in, and my forehead is snowing forehead skin…flakes. Forehead Skin Flakes…part of a disgusting breakfast. They’rrrre GRRRROSS!!

Now that I’ve given most of you the dry heaves, I can address the other thing that is falling…the sky. The oompa loompan dictator, Kim Jong Il is rattling his sabre again and this time he just might have a weapon of mass destruction under that phone book he’s sitting on. He’s threatened to attack U.S. ships that try to stop any weapons shipment from North Korea. If that happens, we’re gonna have to throw down. To help calm any jangled nerves over the possibility of World War III, I’ve included a video to help take the North Korean threat a little less seriously…

I know I feel better.

See you Thursday…

Qing

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in bbq, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May, sunburn

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s Day 24 of Blog-A-Day in May and I am stuffed. Just got back from a BBQ at my buddy Greg’s house. I’m full of beer, bratwurst, burgers, brownies, and ribs…and I smoked my first cigar in about 5 years. Happy on the inside, still in large discomfort on the outside. Most of my friends cringed when they saw my lobster-like appearance. They’re of the opinion that I absorbed enough solar radiation to get super powers. Apparently, I have the ability to wince while sitting, showering, and sleeping.

Since I’m in pain, I figured I’d inflict some. Behold this classic shitburger. In the spirit of the weekend, this one will stick with you for years to come… You’re welcome.

See you Monday.

OUCH

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in beach, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May, ouch, sunburn

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s Day 23 of Blog-A-Day in May, and today’s installment is extra crispy. I hurt. When I was tallying up the BBQs for this weekend, I neglected to include myself on the list. Allow me to explain.

A gaggle of my friends and I trekked up to Sandy Point State Park for a day of fun and sun. I’ve never been a big beach guy. Sand gets everywhere, I don’t much care for the ocean, and the beach itself is littered with hot pointy objects, but I figured it’d be fun with the right company. And it was. We tossed frisbees around, played Yahtzee, and I flew a kite for the first time since I was eight. All the while, the sun beat down. I guess I didn’t apply the sunscreen as liberally as I should’ve (there’s also a theory that the stuff I did put on had expired). You’ve heard of being sun kissed? I got sun molested. My legs, my arms, and the back of my neck are red and stingy. I photosynthesized pain. If you look at the dividing line on my legs from where it goes from pasty to beet red, I look like the crappy part of Neapolitan ice cream. I’ve been slathering myself in aloe to help prevent molting, but I have a funny feeling that, come tomorrow, I’m going to be flakier than a Greek pastry. If you see me, please resist the urge to dip me in drawn butter.

See you Sunday…