Category: McCain

Meet The New Boss

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, election, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, McCain

Greetings from the other side of history, ‘Redheads… On Tuesday, the country had an election lasting longer than four hours…time to consult a physician. Mercifully, this political dust-up is over and we no longer have to hear about mavericks, message approvals, or any of that other crap that was cluttering our lives. I was enjoying how desperate McCain’s attack ads were by the last days of the campaign. I saw one that said, “You wouldn’t want a surgeon to operate on you with no previous experience, would you?” Well, no, but I also wouldn’t want one who was 73, couldn’t move his arms, and who’s nurse didn’t know Africa was a continent, either.

Now it’s done and, hopefully, we’ve picked the right guy for the job. Truth is we won’t know for awhile. His election is inspirational and historic, but I hope people don’t think this movie we’re living in is going to suddenly go from black and white to technicolor once he steps into office. Sure, the Democrats dropped a house on the Wicked Witch of the West Wing, but that house had been foreclosed on months ago, and the Lollipop Guild is laying off thousands of workers despite the high-pitched protests. The one thing we do know is that he seems to have the courage, the heart, and the brains to get us back on track. I’m pretty proud of that extended metaphor…I even synced it up with Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon.

We have a responsibility to uphold now too. By “we” I mean comedians. Listen up guys and gals. For years, we’ve fallen back on the stale stereotypical premise of “What if the President was black?” Well, now he is, so I’m calling for a moratorium on such hackery. We can do better.

Better than He’ll paint the White House black…
No, he won’t.
Better than He’ll put spinners on the motorcade…
No, he won’t.
Better than He’ll pardon a bucket of chicken on Thanksgiving…
No, he won’t.

Let’s rise above that level of Mencian twaddle and find some real reasons to mock Barack. Yes we can.

Ok, enough of the politicking…for now. If you’d like to hear some more, though, you could come check out the show at the Montgomery Drafthouse on Saturday. I’m opening for Daily Show writer, Adam Lowitt. This venue is shiny and new and could use you support. Tickets are only $10…a paltry sum for some high-minded hilarity.

To be continued…

‘Weener

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, fondue, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, jokes, McCain, Wachovia, Wells-Fargo

Hey hey ‘Redheads… Blogtober is just about dried up and ready to fall off the babbling tree, so this’ll most likely the last chance to squeeze in some mediocre bloggage. And away we go. Big thanks to the fine folks at the DC Improv for an amazing show in the Comedy Lounge. I had the pleasure of sharing the stage with some of DC’s finest, Nora Nolan, John McBride, Joe Robinson, and Erik Myers. Great sets and good times were had by all. I did something that went slightly against type for me…I gave some untested topical material a whirl. I know, be still your beating hearts, but I rarely go off-script without testing the punchlines with a control group and a placebo. I took some of the flat, two dimensional words from the last blog, and inflated them into out loud jokes with appropriate pauses. These specifically…

I have some problems with McCain, which are purely superficial, but that’s how I roll. First, he says “Warshington“. Learn to pronounce it first, then maybe we’ll let you live there. Also, he whistles his esses when he talks…irks the everloving crap out of me. When I close my eyes, Obama sounds presidential…McCain sounds like a cartoon squirrel. And have you seen Cindy McCain? She creeps me right the fuck out.

Obviously, I couldn’t use the pictures to illustrate Cindy McCain’s inherent creepiness on stage, so I came up with this verbal substitute…

She looks like someone spackled the Crypt Keeper.

The audio is up on my MySpace page, if you’d like the audio book version. After the show, some friends and I adjourned to the nearby Melting Pot to go wade in a chocolate jacuzzi. Everything tastes better dipped in lukewarm chocolate. The table conversation drops off a bit when the dipping is going on. It gets limited to the phrases “Wow, this is delicious”, “Holy crap this is good”, and “Someone pull Jared’s face out of the fondue pot.” The fondue magic was sullied toward the end of the evening, when I looked down to see two cockroaches scurry across the floor…they were delicious. The conversation turned to city vermin which eventually led to rats. The following sentence was then uttered by a young lady at our table, “Let me tell you how disgusting rats are. So, I was taking a piss in this alley in Boston…” She kinda trailed off when the rest of the table stared at her with our heads tilted slightly. Take your time and let it sink in. While you’re at it, riddle me this. What’s wrong with this item…?


Make sure to congratulate this young couple. Apparently, they have a time machine on their gift registry.

Wells-Fargo recently bought ailing bank, Wachovia. They’ll be opening a new bank called Well-Fachovia. I’ll be here all week. Tip your waitstaff.

Here’s one last bit of political video before we yank the levers on Tuesday…a blast from the roughly 8 years past…

Enjoy your ‘ween…