Category: comedy

Super Happy Random Bonus Blog

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, energy, Gidget, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Taco Bell, Walter Cronkite

Hey there ‘Redheads… Since I’m bored at home on a Thursday night and July has so far been a desolate wasteland with a scant two installments, I figured why not make this week a two-fer. Lucky you. This installment is going to be more of a hodgepodge than usual, so strap in and let’s get this tangential train a rollin’…

I’m glad August is almost here, because that means we’re just weeks away from the NFL. I just signed up for my first of three fantasy football leagues, which has me more excited than any of the sports going on in reality at the moment. I am in sports hell right now…baseball, golf, tennis, soccer, and the WNBA. I flipped past a WNBA game earlier this evening. There was 5 minutes left in the third quarter and neither team had broken 50. In fact, the losing team only had 24. I’m no whiz at math, but 24 divided by 3 is 8. 8 points per quarter in a game where some shots are worth 3. I’ve seen fewer bricks at a construction site. I’m sure there’s a World of Warcraft basketball league that scores more off the court than these gals do on the court. Did I mention this blog might stink? Let’s move on…

Of course, the nation is mourning the loss of yet another television icon. Gidget, the Taco Bell chihuahua died of a stroke at the ripe old age of 15, which would make her 105 in dog years. I think she had a good run. She helped pave the way for other talking pitch animals, like that plucky Geico gecko. I’m not one to start wild rumors, but did anyone else find it kinda suspicious that Gidget kicked just days after Michael Vick got out? Just sayin’ is all… Gidget, just know that the chalupa that was dropped on the floor at every Taco Bell in the nation was for you. I just hope she gets her due and gets a spot on the In Memoriam segment of the Emmys. Put her right between Bea Arthur and Walter Cronkite. Speaking of the venerable Mr. Cronkite, seeing TMZ.com report Walter Cronkite’s death was like watching Dane Cook mug his way through a George Carlin routine on YouTube. Yech with a side of blech.

With the headline-grabbing deaths of Gidget and Walter Cronkite, I’m sure most of you missed the passing of another great man…

John S. Barry, an executive who masterminded the spread of WD-40, the petroleum-based lubricant and protectant created for the space program, into millions of American households, died on July 3 in the La Jolla neighborhood of San Diego. He was 84.

One thing is certain. When he is laid to rest, his casket won’t have squeaky hinges.

And now, these messages…

…and we’re back.

I was driving around DC the other day, and I found the American University of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. It was located at the end of a small tunnel.

Before I go, I want to get in one last plug for a kick ass show this Sunday at Union Jack’s in Bethesda. Will Hessler, Bey Wesley, Jimmy Meritt, Rob Maher, and yours truly as your host, spread the joy starting at 7:30. You spread the word starting now. This show is FREE. Click here for all the deets.

See you there…

Blocked

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in bbq, comedy, Grandma Lee, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, North Carolina

Hey there ‘Redheads… How in the blue hell is it two weeks deep into July already? I’ve been sitting here in front of a blank computer screen for the past two hours trying to angioplasty my way through some wicked writer’s blockage. As per usual, I’m way overdue for an update, so I want to deliver bloggage…something got lost in the translation, apparently. I was gonna write this yesterday, but I had a bit of a head cold and I decided to pop a Zyrtec, which put me in the black sleep of Kali Ma… But, boy howdy, do I have a twenty-piece box of nuggets for you, once I can pry the words from my brainbox. Ok, so let’s stop singing the procrastinational anthem and try to get this blog flume a flowin’.

Big thanks to the fine folks at LOL Comedy Club in Clayton, NC for a great weekend. I had the pleasure of working with Grandma Lee. Our Thursday night show was 24 hours removed from her appearance on America’s Got Talent… 75 years young, and she is a pistol. The clip makes it seem like she just tried comedy on a lark for the show, but she’s a 12 year vet of the stand-up scene. Grandma and I spent our days hitting a couple of the local bbq joints for some pulled pork and sweet tea goodness. Nothing quite like a pile of shredded meat on a plate. We ate lots. I think our favorite place was called Holt Lake. Not only was the food amazing, but their default drink on every table is sweet tea. Water? Pshaw. That’s right, come for the food…stay for the diabetes.

The shows were great, if somewhat lightly attended. I think our last show of the weekend was only witnessed by ten people, making it just shy of a rumor. It was a fun opportunity to get out of my rote and make my material more conversational. It ended up being a nice note to end on. While I was sitting at the bar, I was reading the list of upcoming comics at the club and their little bio blurbs. One of them included the phrase, “No nonsense comedy.” Well, then you’re probably not doing it right. Maybe completely fact-based comedy is the next big thing… Take my wife, for example…

I’m going to make an executive decision to cleave this installment in twain. I have a bunch of 4th of July tidbits to share, including the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, but that deserves a devoted installment to contain all the pomp…and I don’t have it in me to write it all out right now. A couple quick bits of randomness before the cleave…

Yesterday, I heard “How Do You Talk to an Angel” by The Heights on 94.7 FRESH FM, Today’s Fresh Music… Even if it was freeze dried and vacuum sealed, that song is about as fresh as a bowl of tuna salad that got left in a greenhouse.

In the wave of recent celebricide, one important figure has been lost in the shuffle. Our bologna no longer has a first name…

MADISON, Wis. – Oscar G. Mayer, retired chairman of the Wisconsin-based meat processing company that bears his name, has died at the age of 95.

Now THAT is a memorial service I’d like a ticket to…

To be continued…

Eugoogily

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Billy Mays, comedy, death, Ed McMahon, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Michael Jackson, t-shirt

Hey there ‘Redheads… Wow, what a week. We haven’t seen a celebrity whack-a-mole like this in quite some time. Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, and now Billy Mays are all preparing for the inevitable zombie uprising on the wrong team. Ed and Farrah were no surprise as both were in failing health. Michael was shocking but not surprising. The one that got me was Billy Mays. Has anyone checked on the whereabouts of Vince, the ShamWow guy? Speaking of which, I just found this gem…


Billy, we hardly knew ye… You were only available for a limited time.

I’m not going to do a bunch of jokes about the recently deceased…last week tore a chunk out of the pop culture iconography that I grew up with. Ed McMahon did wonders for my self-esteem, always letting me know that I might already be a winner. A lot of people don’t realize or remember that he hosted the television talent competition of the 80’s and 90’s. Before reality television brought us American Idol, Last Comic Standing, and America’s Next Top Model, there was Star Search. He also raised the role of second banana to an art form on the Tonight Show. I got a chance to meet Ed McMahon back during my DC101 morning radio days, he sat right across the console from where I was. Nice guy. He favored us with a short song, that they still use to close the show. It went, “The day is closed. Another day is gone from us. It’s gone away. It’ll be back tomorrow though. We’ll celebrate. Ho-ho. Ho-ho…” Here’s to ya, Ed.

Despite being oddly unaffected by the sudden news of Michael Jackson’s death, I couldn’t help but add to outpouring of memories and catchy status updates that flooded Facebook on Friday. Here are a couple pretty cool Michael Jackson mash-ups…

Sandman’s Scream (MJ vs. Metallica)

Only Billie (MJ vs. NIN)

The one memory of Michael Jackson that I have that’s worth sharing, is from back in 1987. This was right when he was teetering on the precipice of androgyny. I was watching his 3-D movie, Captain EO at Epcot Center. When MJ stepped on screen, I remember thinking, “I didn’t realize Sigourney Weaver was in this movie…”

On the lighter side of the news, I was checking out one of my favorite irreverent t-shirt websites, LoiterInk.com. They let people submit ideas and they turn the ones they like into stuff you can wear, while giving credit and royalties to whoever thought it up. Well, turns out they liked one of mine…

Voila! My idea splattered on a shirt. Pretty cool, huh? Morbid, but cool. If you’d like to wear some of this fresh to death irony, click here.

To be continued…

No Animals Were Harmed…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, fly, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, PETA, swat

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s Friday night, and what better way to kickstart the weekend than sit here in my boxers and type out a quick blog, while my Chipotle steak fajita burrito prepares to reenact the escape scene from Shawshank Redemption? That’s right, there is no better way. So, I don’t know if you caught this banner headline, but President Obama finally got tired of all the buzz around him…

After the interview, President Obama won the All Valley Karate Tournament. Good to see the President is keeping his swat hand strong. Is anyone else bothered by the fact that CNBC is using the BREAKING NEWS graphic here, by the way? If he pointed to the camera and said, “You’re next, Kim Jong Il,” then maybe that would qualify. Aside from being a funny little unscripted presidential moment, who gives a damn? You guessed it. PETA. They’re pissed because Obama didn’t cup it in his hands and release it like a dung-eating dove. C’mon PETA, did you expect him to open negotiations or something? I’d like to take a quick moment to congratulate myself for not using the phrase “no fly zone”…you’re welcome. You’d think PETA would have bigger leafy green things on its plate, what with trying to make fish cuter… This is from the PETA website:

Would people think twice about ordering fish sticks if they were called sea kitten sticks? Learn more about our ingenious campaign to save fish by changing their names.

Well, first of all, we still eat hush puppies, so I don’t think a cutesy name is going to keep me from a tuna sandwich. I’m a big fan of, “our ingenious campaign to save fish by changing their names…” Howabout we change PETA’s name. Would people think twice about ignoring them if they were called Self-Righteous Douche Puppets? Or maybe we can just reword everything PETA says to make it sound like the teacher from Charlie Brown. Not a sermon, just a hastily put together thought.

I want to remind you guys about a kick ass show this Father’s Day Sunday at Union Jack’s in Bethesda. Jake Young, Mike Way, Jeff Maurer, Jon Mumma, and yours truly as your host, spread the joy starting at 7:30. This show is FREE. Click here for all the deets.

See ya there…

Like Old Times…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Cozzy's, driving, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, sports names

Hey there ‘Redheads… It appears I’ve fallen back to my familiar blogging tendencies. Two entries by mid-month? For shame. Sorry gang. I’ll try to step it up in the second half. It just occurred to me that this is pretty much the midpoint of the year. Any thoughts? Candor? Reflections? Anecdotes? Remembrances? Recollections? Thesaurus? Confessions?… None? Ok then. Thanks for pitching in. Luckily, I’ve got a couple musings of at least this past weekend that I can share.

Big thanks to my pals at Cozzy’s Comedy Club in Newport News, Va. for yet another funtastic weekend. Sometimes you want to go where everyone knows your name. I’m a big fan of any club who’ll lower their property value by putting my picture on the wall. This time around, I worked with the affable James Sibley. I’m always amazed at how much some audience members want to try to “help” the show. Apparently, while I was on stage for the Friday show, a lady patron approached James and offered him a joke book for him to leaf through and pick out a couple gems for his set. He politely declined, but this miffed her something terrific. She sat, arms folded, with a frown etched on her face for the first ten minutes of his act, before she realized that everyone else was laughing at his original material, and she finally gave way. Once she heard that none of his bits started with, “Knock knock.” I know it’s tough, people, but please leave the comedy to the professionals. We get paid for a reason…a nebulous reason, but a reason nonetheless. While his portion of the show was going on, I sat at the bar and took a peek at the muted sports on the TV. I spotted two new names to add to my list of quirky favorites. Just to let you know, my birthday is fast approaching, so a perfect gift would be the jersey of Philadelphia Phillies pitcher, Antonio Bastardo. Or maybe New York Mets pitcher, J.J. Putz. Fitting, any way you slice it.

A couple other things I spotted during my trip to Newport News. On Rte. 64, I saw a girl driving a car, with her foot sticking out of the driver’s side window. I guess they were holding Cirque du Soleil tryouts or something. There is nothing quite like the open road, with the radio cranked up, and the wind whistling between your toes. I also saw an ice cream truck that had a peculiar word of warning on the back of it. It read, “Don’t skid on the kids.” Which implies, don’t bother watching out for nearby children, as long as you have good traction.

On my Saturday, I found myself at a massive local area flea market. This place had just about every used chotchke you could think of. I stumbled on one vendor who specialized in old video game systems. This guy had them all, from Atari to Dreamcast to old school Nintendo. I got pounded by a wave of nostalgia. I found myself trying to figure out how much my childhood was worth. I wasn’t going to take much of a nudge to send me tumbling down the rabbit hole in my head and into that magical time when Donkey Kong and Pac-Man could quell my fledgling ADD. I ended up settling for something called an Atari Flashback, which was a simple plug and play system with about a dozen Atari games programmed into it. Fifteen bucks seemed like a bargain for the hours of entertainment that lay ahead of me. Funny thing about those ghosts of pixel past. They get obliterated by the crossed streams of today’s seizure-inducing gamery. Once the candy veneer of my memories got chipped off, the amount of suction the Atari Flashback produced damn near ripped a hole in time. How were we ever captivated by this dreck? Aside from the untouchable classics like Asteroid or Centipede, the rest of the menu was just a random flashing and beeping through the carpal tunnel of frustration with no conceivable objective to be reached other than the realization that I paid $15 to find out my childhood stunk. Thanks flea market. Next time I’ll just settle for the cursed monkey paw.

For those of you who are in a fix as to what to get your dad for Father’s Day, might I recommend the gift of laughter? On Sunday, June 21st @ Union Jack’s in Bethesda, I’m hosting a FREE comedy show. Four of DC’s funniest, Jake Young, Mike Way, Jeff Maurer, and Jon Mumma will be spreading the joy. Show starts at 7:30. Click here for more info.

To be continued…

Juneblog

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in bret michaels, comedy, david carradine, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, kill bill, tonys

Hey there ‘Redheads… We’re a week deep in June, and I figured I’d taken enough of a breather after May’s month long mild amusement machine. So, here I am again without much to say, and more words than necessary to say it. I’ve got the Tony’s on as a background distraction. If you’re among the five other people watching it, I hope you saw this highlight…

Gotta love YouTube. Yes, that was Poison’s Bret Michaels getting dropped like a contestant’s standards on Rock of Love Truckstop. By the way, that trickling sound you hear is the last bit of his smelted heavy metal cred drizzling down the drain.

The big news of the last week was the loss of actor, David Carradine, under suspicious circumstances. He was found hung in his Bangkok hotel room, and some say he died from auto erotic asphyxiation. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times. If you’re going to choke yourself while you masturbate, have a spotter. I’m sure you can find someone else in Bangkok who’s into that sort of thing. It’s a sad loss, but luckily he left behind a long list of work. For my generation, he’s probably best known for the Kill Bill flicks, so I gave them a viewing in remembrance. I fell asleep while watching Volume One in bed, which explains why my dreams had subtitles…and a blood geyser…and Sonny Chiba as the Cowardly Lion.

That’s all for now…see ya in a few.

And… Scene.

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Comedy Zone, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May, sunburn

Hey there ‘Redheads… We’re down to the last day of Blog-A-Day in May. For those of you who’ve stuck around for this long, drawn out, exercise in self-importance, congratulations. I hope you’ve enjoyed it as much as I’ve enjoyed doing it…to you. Don’t consider this last installment a payoff for your diligence… This one will be just as mildly amusing as the previous 30. And away we go…

If there’s one thing I slacked on whilst tripping the blog fantastic (fine…mediocre), it was the pretty pictures to go along with the over inflated wordage. In particular, some people clamored for visual evidence of my sunburn from last weekend. Since I don’t actually own a camera, I have to rely on other people to get the pictures. Well, this one finally came through… Watch. Wince. Repeat.

It’s tough to tell which is pastier, my thigh or my sock. The sock is white. The thigh is tragically white.

Had another fun couple of shows at the Greensboro Comedy Zone last night. Once again, it was a tale of two crowds. The early show was great. They laughed in all the right spots. They bought me shots on stage. They were picking up what I was puttin’ down. The late show was not as giving. I’m going to write a book about the late show, called “That Crowd Just Wasn’t That Into Me”.

So, today I had a couple hours to kill before driving to Fayetteville for two more shows tonight. I decided to go to the local Hooters, for some wings and polite ogling. While chit-chatting with my waitress, it came up that I was a comic. Unfortunately, I was within earshot of a couple guys who think thought I could use a new joke for my act. Before I knew it, one of them waddled over and leaned on the chair next to me and told me the following “joke” as I’m eating my wings (I’ll try to type it correctly)…

There’s this teenage girl who wants to borrow the family car. So she asks her daddy, “Daddy, can I have the car. It’s very important.” Well, it goes on and on. The dad says, “I’ll only lend it to you if you give me a blowjob.” The girl said, “What, Daddy?” So, they went back and forth, until the girl finally said ok. So, the dad drops his trousers and she starts going to town. She stops and spits and says, “Daddy, your dick tastes like shit.” He says, “Yeah, I know. Your brother wanted the car this morning.”

Bon appetit. I know that’s the kind of thing I would say, unsolicited, to a stranger. The question is, do I open with it or close with it?

Thanks for reading all month. Now that I’ve proven that I can do this more regularly, I suppose I should. Maybe Blog-Every-Other-Day-In-June…or something. Stay tuned.

To be continued…

Blog Me To Hell…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Comedy Zone, Drag Me To Hell, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May

Hey there ‘Redheads… Sorry for the slipshod nature of yesterday’s post, but any port in a storm… I’ve been chugging along in this marathon, and I’m not going to let a digitally pulled hammy keep me from crawling across the finish line, out of breath, with chafed nipples. With said finish line in sight, onward and upward with Day 30 of Blog-A-Day in May.

Technology continues to be the bane of my blogular existence. I took my laptop down to the nearest Best Buy, so a geek in a tie could tell me there was absolutely nothing wrong with it as he connected immediately. I don’t recall running over a gypsy with this laptop anytime recently, so I’m pretty sure I’m not cursed. Right now, it’s basically a paper weight with a shoulder strap…for convenience. Anyway, I’m at a computer workstation at a goddamn Kinko’s, paying 20 cents a minute to crank this out…see what I do for you guys?

Speaking of gypsy curses, I just saw Drag Me To Hell over at the local multiplex. Two gnarled gypsy woman thumbs up. It’s got a plotline we can all get behind in these troubled times. A mortgage lender who screws an elderly woman out of an extension on her loan gets cursed to burn in the fires of h-e-double-hockey-sticks for all eternity. Nice to see Sam Raimi get back to his roots (the kind that tangle you up and swallow your soul) of scaring the bejeezus out of people with fast zooms, sudden loud noises, and cheap thrills. It’s makes up for the over-bloated pile of CGI that Spider-Man 3 turned out to be. This movie is singular of purpose, grabs you quick, thrashes you around a bit, then deposits you back to the edge of your seat. Fun stuff.

The shows at the Greensboro Comedy Zone went pretty well overall last night. I’m working with a like-minded headliner in Tom Simmons, a local NC guy who admitted to me that he usually does horrible here. You have to slow things down and say fuck a little more to keep the audiences on the hook. The first show went great for both of us, but the second show we were met with mostly slack-jawed stares. I had pockets of support in the audience for the late show, which was enough to get me through. Looking forward to tonight. And, if the stars align, I’ll be meeting up with the fellas from The Geek Comedy Tour tomorrow as they come back from a gig in Charlotte.

Read all about it, on the last day…see ya then.

Blog… B-L-O-G

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in bee, comedy, Comedy Zone, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May, spelling

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s Day 28 of Blog-A-Day in May, and I’m feeling downright geusioleptic. Yeah, I just got done watching the National Spelling Bee, which emanated live from the Hyatt in downtown DC. You know that has to be a rockin’ afterparty. Half the fun of tuning into the bee is to watch these socially handicapped kids as they take a tension-filled stroll down Sesame Street with Asperger’s syndrome. The other half is to watch Tom “Will Host For Food” Bergeron fill with patter that makes Fred Willard in Best In Show look like Jim Lehrer. Sorry about that last sentence…this video sympathizes with you…

Moving on… I think to help prep these kids for their high school futures, they should get an atomic wedgie as a consolation prize upon elimination. I hope these kids can adjust and eke out a passable social life. It’ll get awkward when one of the guys is on a date and asks the girl for her country of origin. If “Can I use you in a sentence?” qualifies as a pickup line, you better learn to use loneliness in a sentence.

If you’re in the Greensboro, NC area this weekend, come check me out at the Greensboro Comedy Zone. Two shows Friday and Saturday. Click the link for tix and info.

See you Friday…

So You Think You Can Blog…?

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Kim Jong Il, May, sunburn

Hey there ‘Redheads… Day 27 of Blog-A-Day in May is upon us, and things are starting to fall apart…mostly on my face. The peeling stage of my sunburn has set in, and my forehead is snowing forehead skin…flakes. Forehead Skin Flakes…part of a disgusting breakfast. They’rrrre GRRRROSS!!

Now that I’ve given most of you the dry heaves, I can address the other thing that is falling…the sky. The oompa loompan dictator, Kim Jong Il is rattling his sabre again and this time he just might have a weapon of mass destruction under that phone book he’s sitting on. He’s threatened to attack U.S. ships that try to stop any weapons shipment from North Korea. If that happens, we’re gonna have to throw down. To help calm any jangled nerves over the possibility of World War III, I’ve included a video to help take the North Korean threat a little less seriously…

I know I feel better.

See you Thursday…