Category: comedy

This Is How We Jew It

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in 2007, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Jews, Matzo Ball, recap

Hey there ‘Redheads… I hope everyone had a very merry and a holly jolly. 2007 is just about in the books, and I can honestly say…shit’s crazy. Speaking of which, I’d like to congratulate Tom Brady on winning the Super Bowl…the fantasy football Super Bowl of the 2007 Stand-up League. The Golden Boy, along with his go-to receiver Reggie Wayne, and bruising running back Fred Taylor carried me, their coach/general manager/owner to my first ever fantasy football championship. It was a rough season, starting out 0-3 and needing to win the last game of the regular season to get the last spot in the playoffs, but we hit our stride in the post season. My team’s name: 2007…Shit’s Crazy. My avatar is going to DisneyWorld.com!!

I’m not going to do a huge retrospective of how Britney be buggin’, or Anna Nicole be dyin’, or Don Imus be trippin’. If you want that, pick up the remote and turn on VH1…you two deserve each other. If you know me at all, you should know that my ego knows no bounds, and any look back at the year that was will be into a mirror. Yes, I probably think this year is about me…don’t I? So, sit back, relax, pretend you give a damn, and let’s get this last overdue blog going…

Before we rewind things, a huge thanks to Allyson from the DC Improv, John and the rest of the great staff of The Birchmere, and Good For The Jews, David Fagin and Rob Tannenbaum, for an amazing weekend. Just to help deconstruct that Rube Goldberg thank-you note, GFTJ contacted the DC Improv for a Jewish comic to open for them at the Birchmere, and I got the nod. It was a great couple of shows at a kick ass venue. A very cool way to cap off the year. Both shows were packed, though both nights’ crowds skewed a touch older than I was expecting. Old Jews tend to be a bit judgemental when you break out the Parkinson’s material, but they played along, and I was quick to point out, “Good thing Jews don’t believe in Hell, eh?” I was also happy to finally use my Nicotine Yarmulke joke in front of its intended demographic. Rob and David were great to work with. When I thanked them for having me, David noted that the choice was between me, “and a guy who’s comedy CD was called Mein Albumf.” If you can’t laugh at that, open the blog door and get out.

On Xmas Eve, I put on my dancin’ shoes (they’re prescription) and joined a couple hundred other chosen people, blacklisted by Santa, at the annual Matzo Ball in downtown DC. What better way to work up an appetite for General Tso’s chicken and milk duds the next day than to relive the awkward part of your Bar/Bat Mitzah? As you may know, dance is not my medium. I work mostly in water colors. Dance clubs aren’t my element. They’re not even on my periodic table. I can’t dance. I can’t walk. The only thing about me is the way I talk. The fact that I’m quoting a Phil Collins song, should tell you just how tragically white I am on the dance floor (Greek tragic). I’m here to tell you, I was not the worst dancer on the floor. There were poor bastards out there who made Napoleon Dynamite look like Helio Castroneves. They ran the gamut, from spastic to rigid. One guy looked like his feet were rooted to the floor…I’ve seen parking meters with better range of movement. He danced by bending at the waist, like one of those plastic drinking birds. The monster from Young Frankenstein could’ve served this guy. Anyway, long story short, I can’t stand dance clubs and I’m still a lonely Jew on Xmas. As a side note, one of the songs the DJ spun was the theme to The Jeffersons. To me, the height of irony is having a bunch of Jews shaking their trust funded groove thangs to that song. If you were wondering, the height of irony is apparently 5’6″.

Here now are a few of the top news blurbs from the blogs of 2007, as judged by me…just now.

From 2/22:
WASHINGTON (Feb. 21) – Drugs prescribed to treat attention deficit hyperactivity disorder will include guides to alert patients and parents of the risks of mental and heart problems, including sudden death.

Now, I’m not a doctor but, it’s my understanding that when a possible side effect of a drug is death, IT CEASES TO BE MEDICATION. Slap a Mr. Yuck sticker on it and keep it away from the children. Are these the lengths we’ll go to in order to ignore the lure of shiny objects? “Geez doc, Johnny seems to have gone limp.” “Yes, but he slumped over on his geometry homework.” The article continues…

The alerts also cover psychiatric problems, such as hearing voices, unfounded suspicions and manic behavior, of which there is a slightly increased risk in patients who take the drugs, the FDA said.

Hearing voices. Unfounded suspicions. That’s exactly what we need in kids that lose focus easily. Y’know, given my druthers, I think I’d rather be distracted by SHIT I CAN SEE. And nothing quite like a paranoid delusion to keep junior in his room with his nose to the grindstone. If you’re not careful, this’ll end up being his next book report…

From 4/04:
On to one of the funnier news stories I found recently in the Washington Post…

Criteria for Depression Are Too Broad, Researchers Say
Guidelines May Encompass Many Who Are Just Sad

Up to 25 percent of people in whom psychiatrists would currently diagnose depression may only be reacting normally to stressful events such as a divorce or losing a job, according to a new analysis that reexamined how the standard diagnostic criteria are used.

Apparently, signs of depression include not being happy, not knowing that you’re happy, and an inability to clap your hands. Until the criteria can be narrowed down, doctors are simply prescribing their patients to get over themselves.


From 5/23:
Here’s a news story that has renewed my faith…

Female shark reproduces without sex
A female hammerhead shark that gave birth without sex has put the bite into conventional wisdom about reproduction among large vertebrates, according to research published Wednesday. The discovery is the first known case of asexual reproduction in sharks but it also raises concerns about the genetic health of dwindling shark populations, they say.

…that God is a vicious eating machine. We’re going to need a bigger bible. That’s right, we may have witnessed the birth of Shark Jesus (yes, I resisted the urge to call him Jawsus…give me some credit). He’ll be able to turn water into chum, feed 5000 with just one surfer, and…swim on dry land.

I can’t go any further without acknowledging one of the recurring themes of the blogs of ’07, my impossibly cute nephew, Mo. Most of these blogs would be nothing without this dimple dynamo squeezing a cheap grin out of you. Here now, is a year’s worth of Mo…

Well, ‘Redheads… That’ll just about do it for 2007. Thanks to everyone who made it a fun year. And thanks to you for reading about it. I hope 2008 brings more of the same: good friends, good laughs, and good timing. See ya then…

To be continued…

Viva, Part 2: A Fuzzy Recollection

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Chris White, comedy, funny, HBO Comedy Festival, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, poker, vegas

Hey there ‘Redheads… Happy Hanukkah to you and yours. Have a latke, some vodka, and blow your paycheck on some high stakes dreidel. You’ll have to excuse my usual blog lag. I’ve been a runny mess for the last week. With a schnoz like this, believe me when I tell you the last couple days have been my own personal Double Dare physical challenge. I’ve collected the bulk of my nose-leavins to sculpt a giant snot replica of The Thinker (enjoy your meals, folks). Ok, so before I try to scrape the account of my trip to Vegas off the bottom of my brain barrel, I want to get some quick plugs and thank yous out of the way, lest you check out on me in the middle of my stories of high rolling hobnobbery (look it up).

First, a big thank you to my good friend Chrissy (#1 on MySpace) and the DC Firefighters Burn Foundation for including me in their benefit for Children’s Hospital last week. Fellow funnyman, Rob Maher and I provided the comedy portion of the entertainment for the evening. There was a great turn out and they raised a bunch of money so some kids can have a happy holiday. Hopefully, this good deed will be enough to offset all of the petty crap I’ve done this year. Also on the bill, was a great local band, Rome In A Day. They rock…I’m holding up my lighter and swaying side to side as I type this. Do yourself a favor, click the link, and give them a listen. Rob and I took turns swooning over their lead guitarist, Ali, throughout the evening…for the kids.

On to the pluggage…
COME SEE ME AT WISEACRE’S IN TYSON’S CORNER
FRIDAY, DEC. 7TH @ 9:00
WITH HEADLINER MARK MATUSOF
ONE NIGHT. ONE SHOW. ONE…NEW JOKE.

or…

COME SEE ME AT THE COMEDY SPOT IN BALLSTON
SATURDAY, DEC. 15TH @ 7:30
WITH ADAM RUBEN, BEN ISAAC, AND LEO GOODMAN
JEW MAN GROUP
TIX ARE $14…and we’ll be picking up loose change off the floor.

For those of you clamoring for a local Jared fix, there ya go. I assume the rest of you have the patch. Now, finally, three weeks later, let’s get to my trip to Sin City. For those of you who would like a well-written account of most of it, please to be checking out Chris White’s blog (conveniently linked to your right). What you’re going to get from me is some basic detail with some cough-syrup enhanced embellishment and some pictures. Cool? Let’s light this menorah.

First, big thanks to the DC Improv and Chris White, who’s free hotel room in Caesar’s Palace I crashed in for the duration of the trip. Chris was one of 3 finalists from the DC regional bracket competing in Ziddio.com’s Lucky 21 contest. I was a close 57th. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. I got into Vegas around 9 on Thursday night, just in time to drop my stuff off in the room and check out Chris’ first showcase. Also on his show were local favorites, John Betz Jr. and Al Goodwin. I went to take a quick bathroom break after Chris’ set and had my first celebrity sighting of the weekend, Brian Posehn from The Sarah Silverman Show. It was particularly surreal because I had just seen him on the plane ride in on a celebrity edition of The Weakest Link. It took every ounce of restraint to not accost him and tell him this. That restraint would come in handy later. After the show, we adjourned to the special VIP lounge that the festival had set up for those associated with the comedic goings-on (again, thanks to the DC Improv for getting me on the list). Who do we see heading to the lounge? Chris Rock and Jeff Ross. I got a good idea that restraint was going to be the theme of the weekend when dealing with the various famous and semi-famous people, when we saw Chris Rock rebuff a request for a picture by a random bystander. That will explain why there are no famous people in my collection of pictures. Instead, here’s one of me and my friend Becca just happy to be there…


The lounge was a sweet set up. Free food. Free booze. A foozball table. Plenty of vague high-ranking showbiz muckety-mucks to suck up to…it was a comic’s wet dream. It was also, as was the bulk of the festival, sponsored by Twix, so the thing might as well have been built out of candy. Here’s a quick run down of the rest of the celebrities we spotted, gawked at, and otherwise pretended not to give a flying fuck about: Nick Swardson, Bobby Lee, Bill Burr (shook hands with him, nice guy), Carrot Top, more VH1 talking heads than I can count, Marc Maron, Kevin Pollak, Patrice O’Neal, and Jim Breuer. For the most part I mixed and mingled with some familiar faces, Tony Deyo and Andy Hendrickson. We also ran into recent DC export Adam Jacobs. It was a cavalcade. So, that was the scene in the VIP lounge.

My first morning in Vegas, we had breakfast at a cafe in Caesar’s Palace. I had peanut butter and banana stuffed french toast, in tribute to The King. Then I continued my tribute by passing out on the toilet. After recovering from breakfast, on a suggestion from Chris, we trekked out to the Atomic Testing Museum and Casino.

Nothing like a little bit of historical destruction to temper your future gambling losses. The coolest thing in the museum was footage of houses on the test site being obliterated shot by cameras that can capture a 1000th of a second. You could wind the video back and forth, frame by frame. It was an apocalyptic flip book. They also had the list of every code name used for nuclear tests. My favorite: Ferret Prime. Sounds like the greatest band ever or the shittiest Transformer ever. They also had a timeline of the history of nuclear discovery as it related to moments in pop culture and regular historical events. It was what they chose for the pop culture that got me. Most made sense…see which one jumps out at you as out of place…

1980: John Lennon is shot.
1987: Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” is popular.
1989: The Simpsons and Seinfeld debut.

That puts things into perspective. 1987 stunk. Moving on. On our way back to the strip, we stopped for coffee. Keep an eye peeled, folks, because this drive-thru sensation is gonna sweep the nation…

SexxPresso. Coffee served by scantily clad vixens who got tired of working the day shift at Pizza Slut. The drinks have naughty names with double and triple entendres, and come in either A, B, or DD cups. A refreshing surprise was that these gals took being a barista seriously. The coffee came first (get your head out of the gutter). One word, people: franchise.

We also took in a Vegas show. So many to choose from, we wanted to have a truly unique experience, so the dart we threw landed on the bullseye of…Topless Vampire Revue. That makes it sound so tawdry. Yeah, sounds about right. We went to see Bite at the Stratosphere. Chris does a great job of crystallizing the show in his recent blog entry. The only thing I’ll add is never has a show been so accurately described by its title. It had its moments, but for the most part, it was laughable. The vampiresses writhed to such rock anthems as “Welcome to the Jungle”, “Cat Scratch Fever”, and “Stairway to Heaven”. They did so under the direction of the Lord Vampire, who looked like he didn’t make it past the table read at WWE auditions for The Undertaker. Overall, the set looked like it was out of Ed Wood’s high school musical. Yes, I realize I’m critiquing a show that basically revolves around undead boobs (thumbs up on those, btw). The one redeeming part of the show were the most convincing audience plants I’ve ever seen. They were brought up on stage and “bitten”. They turned out to be amazing acrobats. Check out the video…

The other great audience plant was an unassuming guy who had a gimpy hand. Well, after he got bitten, he kept his gimp hand strong and turned out to be a better than average singer. If it weren’t for those performers, it would’ve been a wash.

Be sure to look for my east coast topless vampire revue, Suck. Chris also came up for another great monster-themed topless revue…shaved werewolves. Hot.

Once again, my poor blog time management is getting the better of me, so the last thing I’ll mention, in a bit of horn tootage, is that I took 3rd in a poker tournament my last day there. It started at 3pm…I played ’til 8:30. My winnings ended up paying for my trip.

Good times.

To be continued…

Viva, Part I

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Comcast, comedy, DC Improv, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Thanksgiving, They Might Be Giants

Hey there ‘Redheads… I hope everyone had a cram-it-down-your-gullet Turkey Day. I made sure to designate someone I know and trust to maintain my haircut during my food coma…Bush is still president, right? The last 10 days have been pretty eventful for me, so grab the orange extender belt, and buckle in for a blog that’ll more than fill your daily recommended allowance of Jared-centric shite. There will be videos. There will be pictures. There will be time that you’ll never get back…ever.

We’ll start with my least fuzzy memories, which takes us to Saturday night. Big thanks to the DC Improv and Comcast for putting on a great showcase and allowing me to take part. It was a hum-dinger of a line-up, including Toyota pitch-man, Justin Schlegel, Ziddio Lucky 21 finalist, Chris White (we’ll get to that later), and Forehead Magazine’s Man of the Century (his joke, not mine), Sean Gabbert. We were told to arrive early to tape interviews with the Comcast people that they’ll be showing along with our 5 or so minute sets. I’m hoping they use exactly none of my interview. I’m never sure how to handle those interviews…treat every answer as a joke or try to be a smidge sincere? I waffled between the two and I don’t think the result was anything that could be described as remotely interesting. But my set went well. And I knew it would. How, you ask? Because on my walk back to the club from by pre-show burger at Fuddrucker’s, an omen fell from the sky and splatted on my jacket. A bird put the “turd” in my Saturday and shat on me (it was later postulated by Jimmy Merrit that it could’ve been a homeless guy doing his impression of Miggs from Silence of the Lambs from the grassy knoll, but I prefer the lone shitter theory). I figured that would be the worst thing to happen to me, and my set would compare favorably to getting a boutonniere of bird crap pinned on my lapel. I’ll be sure to keep you posted on when you’ll be able to find me On Demand.

Friday night, I got a chance to see a great concert at the 9:30 Club given by one of my favorite groups from my high school days, They Might Be Giants. I’m not very familiar with their recent stuff, but after this show, I’m gonna check it out. Keep an ear peeled for “The Alphabet of Nations”, a bombastic bit of silliness that was a highlight of the show. They also peppered in a few of the better known classics like “Birdhouse in Your Soul” and “Particle Man”, both of which I badly sang along with. I was worried I might’ve strained a uvula, belting out the whoa’s on “Istanbul (Not Constantinople)”. Part of their second encore was the theme to Malcolm in the Middle. Another bit of TMBG trivia that I wasn’t aware of: they also do the opening music for The Daily Show. Long story short: awesome show…big fan.

I won’t waste too much space detailing the sundry items that conspired to make my pants tighter on Thanksgiving. I was proud that I limited myself to one helping. However, that one helping included a Devil’s Mountain-sized portion of mashed potatoes (it meant something) and enough biscuits to build a small fort. Starch-tastic. Moving on.

With this past week out of the way, we get to the meat of this installment. Vegas. Let’s spin back the clock to a week prior to Turkey Day. It was downright dismal here in DC. Rainy, windy, dark…the weather was right out of a Tim Burton rough draft. If going to Vegas wasn’t reason enough to hop on a plane, this dreck was.

Editor’s Note: I’m more than a little distracted by the Patriots/Eagles game and I feel myself losing steam here, so I’m going to chop this installment off here and devote the next one to Vegas. I’d rather not half-ass the recounting of such a cool trip.

Before I go, here’s a little something to brighten your day. It’s a short video of my impossibly cute nephew discovering upright mobility…

All together now… Awwwwwwwwwww.

Part two coming soon.

To be continued…

Blog #129

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in 24, birthday, comedy, cute, Ebony, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Kid Goat, Michael Jackson, Scranton, video

Hey there ‘Redheads… Welcome to November…only 53 procrastinating days left until 2008. I’d like my readers to rest assured that the Hollywood writers strike will have no adverse effect on the quality of this blog…it’ll be just as shitty as ever. I swung by my local 7-11 and rounded up a couple day laborers to pick up the slack. I hope the strike ends soon, though. I found this disturbing little tidbit in this morning’s USA Today…

The clock has stopped on 24. Fox confirmed that the real-time thriller’s seventh season, which was to have run from January through May, will be delayed indefinitely. It is the first major casualty of the writers’ strike, in its third day Wednesday.

Get your shit together, Hollywood, before Keifer Sutherland gets hammered and starts torturing writers with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch. If it doesn’t get resolved soon, I’m here to offer the services of the writing team who brought you GUYS WATCHING 24. Pick our scabs.

Here’s another nugget of news that I found amusing…

Michael Jackson appears on the December 2007 of Ebony Magazine to celebrate the 25th anniversary of the world’s best-selling album, Thriller.

For the issue, the magazine will temporarily change its name to Irony. Really? Thriller is a great album, but Michael Jackson looks like the photo negative of an Ebony cover. Vincent Price has more color than Michael Jackson. He would look less out of place as the spokesman for Gap Kids.

‘Redheads, find yourself a piece of cake and a balloon and wish my impossibly cute nephew a happy birthday. He’s the big 0-1. Stand by for pictures from the par-tay…






I’ll give you some time to recover from that stampede of cute. Your senses are no doubt completely overloaded by this dimple dyna-mo. Since it was his 1st birthday, it took him a little while to realize that it was all for him. Once the presents got opened, I think it sunk in…MINE! I have to think that’s the predominant thought in a baby’s head anyway, but he seemed to noodle it through the he was even more special that day.

I plan on adopting Mo’s mentality in about a week, when I step off a plane and hit the strip in Las Vegas (I will NOT use the phrase “VEGAS BABY” at all…except for just then). I’ll be down there in support of my buddy, Chris White, who is taking part in the Las Vegas Comedy Festival. There will be much poker played. Hopefully, I won’t come home wearing a barrel. Can’t wait.

Tonight, I’m heading out to catch my friend’s band, Kid Goat, at the Quarry House Tavern. I’m excited, not only to see the band but because the Quarry House is right across the street from another place I’m eager to check out…Piratz Tavern. A pirate themed bar, with wench-themed waitresses. It’s Hooters with scurvy.

Finally, just in time for gas prices to get higher than a roadie for the Black Crowes, I’m hittin’ the road for a weekend of shows in the land of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton, PA. I’ll be at .Wisecracker’s trying to force feed laughter to the Scrantonians. If you’re in the area, come say hi.

To be continued…

The Horror…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Halloween, horror, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Steve Buscemi, video

Greetings ‘Redheads… In the spirit of ‘Ween, I offer you one of the most gruesome, horrifying, and soul-depleting pieces of video ever gazed upon by mortal man. Hit play at your peril, for this video has reduced the stoutest of hearts to quivering piles of mush. Remove your belt and shoelaces and hide any sharp objects, for the suicide rate of those who view this video in its entirety is close to 100%. You’ve been warned…

Still with me? Then enjoy this video proof that I’m a Were-Buscemi…

Happy ‘Ween…

To be continued…

Fallout

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Baltimore Comedy Factory, comedy, Comedy Spot, DC Improv, Erin Jackson, fight, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, T-Rexx

Hey there ‘Redheads… Long time, no type. Once again, I’ve tried to stockpile interesting crap, so that when I clean out the lint trap in my head, I can knit you a proper toaster cozy. It’s sentences like that that make ya wish I waited just a bit longer… I’ve got a bunch of cool things on the comedy horizon to call your attention to:

On November 24th, I’ll be joining a gaggle of comedy compatriots on stage at the DC Improv Comedy Lounge. The show is going to be taped for Comcast Comedy Open Mic On Demand. The cavalcade includes Chris White, Jon Mumma, Justin Schlegel, Mike Way, Sean Gabbert, and many more…ok, six more. Wanna be in the audience to check out this comedy conglomerate? Click here for tickets and info.

On November 28th, Rob Maher and I will be doing our part to make sure we aren’t irretrievably awful people, and take part in the DC Firefighters Burn Foundation Benefit for Children’s Hospital at the Clarendon Grill.

On December 15th, just in time for Hannukah, I’ll be on stage at the Comedy Spot for a show that’s being called Jew Man Group. Myself, Leo Goodman, Adam Ruben, and Ben Isaac take the stage for an evening of shpilkis. We could also be called The Mensches of Comedy, or The Disappointed Mother Tour, or Cheaper Than Therapy, the list goes on. Please to be clicking here for tickets and info.

Over the weekend, I got a chance to work with two of my favorite funny folk, Erin Jackson and T-Rexx, at the Baltimore Comedy Factory. Big thanks to the staff up there for a fun couple of nights. I was a little disappointed that no one showed up in costume the whole weekend. There was one guy who looked like Kenny Rogers, but that hardly counts. A great septet of shows in Charm City was capped off by a fracas…a donnybrook…a rhubarb…a BEAT DOWN. I shall now give you the play-by-play of this impromptu UFC pay-per-view…
T-Rexx was closing his set with his classic bit about getting his retarded cousin drunk. I requested he do it. It keeps getting funnier every time I hear it. The sold out crowd was laughing along with him…except for one guy, who was sitting in the second row on stage right. He wasn’t enjoying it at all. To the point that T-Rexx said to him, “I don’t know how much it cost to get in, but it’s free to leave. Because this is going to get worse.” As he finishes up his set, I start walking toward the stage to bring him off. After he gets done plugging his DVDs, the disgruntled guy says, “Why don’t you get off the motherfucking stage, motherfucker.” An exchange of “fuck yous” was had. Then, T-Rexx hand me his jacket and steps off stage next to where the guy was sitting, and strikes a Bruce Lee pose in front of him…complete with kung-fu yowl.

Knock knock, mo fo…

Well, being drunk and belligerent, the guy stands up. He rears back to swing and, before he can get off a punch, T-Rexx hits him twice in the chest and once in the face. The guy tackles T-Rexx into a row of chairs that were quickly evacuated by the crowd. From the stage, I see T-Rexx grab the guy’s wrist and grapevine his arm with his legs. Security breaks it up and drags the guy out by his collar, leaving behind a bloody smear on T-Rexx’s pant leg. Thank you Baltimore, goodnight.

Your comedy homework is to vote for Erin Jackson on Ziddio.com early and often…send her to Vegas.

To be continued…

MeTube

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Chris White, comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Transformers, video, X-Wing

Hey there ‘Redheads… Once again, time is flying. For me, that’s pretty much literal. I recently became the owner of a flying alarm clock. Because I hit the snooze button so much, it filed a restraining order against me (hey, it fell, ok?). It’s a pretty nifty little bit battery powered gadgetry. A little whirligig rests on top of the base. When the alarm goes off, it launches the whirligig into the air, and it continues to blare red alert klaxons until it is returned to the base. You’d think this would be a pretty effective way to drag me out of bed, but most of my dreams take place on the bridge of the Enterprise during the Kobayashi Maru scenario…so, it kinda blends in (do not try that reference at home…professional dork on a closed course). Speaking of dreams, I’ve got some great little video comedy tidbits for you. Some brand new productions from me and Chris White and a couple pieces of random goofy crap that I claim no responsibility for. Let’s dim the lights and get to the retinal recreation…

GAME ON
TRICK OR TREAT

Jeez, I’m a shitty actor. Good thing no one will see this… If you’ll remember, in the last installment, I hipped you to a group of aerospace engineers who built a functioning X-Wing. Well, they launched the sucker last weekend. Here’s what went down…

It went down…in flames. A crushing blow to the rebellion.

If you’re like me, you enjoyed the recent blockbuster, Transformers. But maybe you didn’t like it enough to buy it on DVD today. Here’s something to quench your thirst for something more than meets the eye…

Vector Sigma.

To be continued…

Stuff For Ye

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, Die Hard, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, mash-up, random, video, X-Wing

Hey there ‘Redheads… With September in the rear-view mirror, we’re motoring through the happy town of Blogtober. Population: You. Try not to muck the place up too much while you’re here. This is why we can’t have nice things. Speaking of driving, my Jeep hit 90,000 miles today. It’s a mixed bag when your car reaches a milestone like that. On the one hand, it’s pretty cool watching the odometer flip to zeros. On the other hand, I’ve driven 90,000 miles and where the fuck am I? Makes ya think…and who wants that?
I have a bunch of random stuff for you this time out…some cool audio, some funny video, and a couple other nuggets to help pad this installment…shove some tangerines in its training bra.

Let’s start with the audio. You might remember awhile back, I tried to play mama bird and regurgitate some iPod food into your chirping beaks. Well, I found some kick ass new mash-ups for you to jam in your ear holes. Eat, ya jackals…

WHOLE LOTTA SABBATH (Led Zepplin vs. Black Sabbath)
THUNDER BUSTERS (AC/DC vs. Ray Parker Jr.)
HALLOWED BE THEY ENEMY (Iron Maiden vs. Public Enemy)
METALLICA GOES TO PUNJAB (Metallica vs. Punjabi MC)

Ok, now the video. I forget where I found this, but I got a kick out of it, so I figured I’d pass it on to you guys. If you’re a die hard fan of…well, Die Hard, you’ll get a chuckle from this little ditty…

And now, some of the afore mentioned nuggetude… ATTENTION GEEKS!! Check this shit out…


A group of aerospace engineers in California have constructed a scale model of an X-Wing that actually flies. Here’s an excerpt from their website:

It is over 21′ long, with a wingspan of over 19′ – “We opted to use a cluster of four motors to emulate the “real” X-wing, and positioned the motors in the wing pods. The real challenge was to make the wings move in flight, from “attack” position to “landing” position. Late additions to the project included making R2D2 turn via radio & make sounds.

If I have to tell you how cool that is, then I don’t know if we can be friends anymore… The X-Wing takes flight on October 6th…and will make a flippin’ sweet YouTube video when in crashes shortly thereafter…

One more thing before I go. Your comedy homework this weekend is to go see Jake Johanssen at the DC Improv. My good friends John Garrett and Chris White are opening for him. Three gawky white guys. A parade of pasty. Luckily, they’re damn funny. Go. Laugh.

To be continued…

…And I Smell Like One Too

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in birthday, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Marcel Marceau, renaissance festival, Renn Fest

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Mustering up the motivation and finding worthwhile crap for this blog has been a tough task this month, but I’ve scrounged up some random things and dug deep in my couch cushions to bring you something that can quell your ADD for a couple minutes. Now if I can just keep mine at bay long enough to write the damn thing…so many shiny objects. Let’s start with this…I’m older. That’s right gang, I just turned 32. Thanks to everyone who sent along birthday wishes (and thanks to MySpace for the helpful nudging). I’ll be accepting gifts and pieces of cake shoved into envelopes here at Stately Stern Manor. I don’t ask for much on my birthday since I turned 30. Just to be in the company of good friends within two days of the birth date and that someone besides my family acknowledge it on some level…and cake. Gifts are never refused, but I haven’t actually wanted anything specific since high school. I’m pretty easy to shop for, though…

Luckily, 32 isn’t one of those birthdays that makes you feel like the guy who chose the wrong grail in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, but it is always nice to escape thoughts of impending oblivion, and what better way than to go back in time? The most reasonable facsimile, that doesn’t require slingshotting my Jeep around the Sun, is the Maryland Renaissance Festival. As per my aforementioned birthday specs, I went with my good friends Chris, Allyson, Becca, an Meagan. When I go to the Renn Fest, I go with a game plan: turkey leg for breakfast, chowder in a bread bowl for lunch, see a couple shows, throw a couple axes, guzzle a tankard of ale, and enjoy the parade of costumed freaks, dorks, and rednecks. We got there a little later than I like to, but I made a bee line for the turkey leg booth to get the day started right.

Mr Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the marrow center of a turkey leg? *CHOMP* The world may never know…

Nothing like gnawing on a roasted animal appendage to roll back the age odometer. A fun time was had by all. Things were going great until the end of the day, when I was reminded just how old I was. We were down by the castle wall rock climbing, watching Allyson dangle and sway on her safety line. The 16 year-old who was manning the station was trying to engage us in some playful renaissance banter. When one of his jokes fell flat, he actually said, “Jk”. He text talked to us…or talxted. I could feel liver spots bursting on my hands. I can understand saving time typing, but are those extra syllables really keeping you from living your life? Back in my day, we actually used whole words. I came to the conclusion that I could make a killing by opening a comedy club and calling it LOL.

I’ll leave you with some congratulations and one bit of sad news. First, a belated congrats to some of my fellow joke throwers who’ve scored some big time exposure. You may’ve seen comedy dynamo, Justin Schlegel, on your TV on Sundays as you refill your nacho cheese tub and watch your fantasy football studs snap their knee tendons. He’s starring in a series of commercials for Toyota. Here’s hoping he gets a set of floor mats.
Be sure to lock your radio dials to 98Rock after 7pm to hear the nasal dulcet tones of Joe Robinson’s new show, Irresponsible Radio. He’s on his way to becoming the King of Dundalk Media.
On to the sad news. A moment of silence for the loss of famed mime, Marcel Marceau. He had the only speaking part in Mel Brooks’ Silent Movie. His last words were…unexpected. Does anyone else find it mildly ironic that his final resting place will be in a box? The answers, my friend, are walking against the wind.

To be continued…

Late and Untitled

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, ginormous, HBO Comedy Festival, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Rosh Hashanah, ziddio.com

Hey there ‘Redheads… Once again, I’ve neglected you. And, once again, I apologize. And, yes, it’ll probably happen again. It’s nearly two weeks deep into September and a couple things worth noting have happened in and around my immediate vicinity.
First of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Time flies by so quick, you blink your eyes and *poof* it’s 5768. Man, 5768…shit’s crazy. Yes, apparently Jews as a people feel so much guilt about the past, that we’ve bent time and space to escape our many neuroses. We’ve built a time machine that runs on a mother’s disappointment. We can travel to the far reaches of the 4th dimension, but we never call…we never write.
Second, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! This blog is officially two years old. It’s going to start throwing tantrums if you don’t start paying more attention to it. Usually, when this digital doodle pad hits some sort of arbitrary milestone, I make a bunch of self-important calculations and self-congratulations. Not this time. I’ve been delinquent too long to cop-out and give you some half-assed clipblog. I’d rather use my whole ass and give you something worth a couple seconds of your diverted attention.
Third, a couple of overdue somber acknowledgements. The final curtain was drawn on operatic great, Luciano Pavarotti. Let’s all wish his pallbearers a speedy recovery. So, the comedy world’s go-to reference for fat guy jokes in the 80’s and 90’s is now gone. Time to update. Might I suggest Aretha Franklin?

She has some pipes…she ate a church organ.

Speaking of which, the fat lady gave a rousing rendition of “Give My Regards to an Indifferent Audience” at Soho Tea & Coffee. The impressive four-year run of the open mic came to a close a couple weeks ago. I was one of the proud few who played the violin while the ship slowly sank into the ocean of lattes and blank stares. Chris White and Larry Poon gave rousing performances to end the evening. Big thanks to Paul Schorsch for keeping the stage going for as long as it did. Soho, we hardly knew ye.

Portait of a crappy set…

Ok, so because this is a space designated for my random thoughts, I figured I’d try to sketch out one of the bits I tried out that night. It has met with varying levels of success, but I haven’t found the right pacing or phrasing to get it where it deserves to be. So please enjoy as I slap together a skeletal structure for this bit. Any feedback is welcome and encouraged…and away we go…

We’ve gotten lazy. Language and communication is a vast natural resource, but the guy in charge of running the filter has fallen asleep. Allow me to explain. I was thumbing through the dictionary the other day (play along) and I came across the word inconspicuous, which is ironic by itself, but that’s not where I’m going. The definition for inconspicuous was…not conspicuous. Gee, thanks for clearing that up, Webster. Chances are, if I’m looking up inconspicuous, I’m not stuck on what in means…get off your stack of phonebooks and define something. Pure laziness. I blame the internet. When I was a kid, and I wanted to find out more about a word or topic, I would go to the library to find a reference book related to that word or topic. Now, kids just go online and find…porn related to that word or topic. And now they’re just adding words to the dictionary willy nilly. Jiggy is in the dictionary. I’m pretty sure Will Smith doesn’t know what jiggy means. I’m starting to realize why immigrants don’t want to learn the goddamn language. It’s getting embarrassing. They just put “ginormous” in the dictionary. If you use “ginormous”, then you are a 12-16 year old girl or you just tried to describe that picture of Aretha Franklin (I use a different tag on stage, but this is a family blog…or something). Ginormous is a combination of “giant” and “enormous”, and it, of course, means big. Here’s my major issue. The dictionary is for people who don’t know the meaning of a word…and for people who need to steady a wobbly table. If you take a look at “ginormous” and can’t immediately glean its meaning, then you don’t need a dictionary…you need a helmet and a t-shirt that says, I Hug Too Hard…spit out that Mattel toy you’ve been sucking on. If the dictionary insists on including these hip, trendy, combo words to cater to the lol generation, I’d like to suggest another combo word to help balance things out… Fucktard. Allow me to break this one down for you. It’s a combination of “fucking” and “retard” and it is primarily used to describe people who use the word “ginormous”. Use it in a sentence? I thought you’d never ask. I can’t believe some fucktard put ginormous in the dictionary.

So, what’cha think?

One last thing before I go. Three of my bestest comedy pals, Chris White, Erin Jackson, and Mike Storck have made it to the semis of the Lucky 21 contest for the HBO Comedy Festival. In order for them to advance, they need your votes. Chris has put together a short video to explain the process…

Vote away!!

To be continued…hopefully before October…