Category: comedy

Mad As Hell

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in brackets, comedy, Duke sucks, March Madness, NCAA

Hey there ‘Redheads… With all the hub-bub about the 100th post, I neglected to mention the madness of the NCAA tourney and the gambling thereon (it’s phrases like that that make me wonder if “Charlize” is a verb…it might explain why I keep thinking about conjugating her…best to just move past the parenthesis). This is the time of year that turns the average housewife into the Oracle at Delphi because they pick the perfect bracket based solely on which team’s mascot is the cutest. Amidst all of the bracketology and the in depth team by team breakdowns, the nation’s productivity levels plummet while the degenerate gambling populace check their brackets at work more frequently than I think about conjugating Charlize Theron. I filled out two brackets this year, one on paper and one on ESPN.com with some comedy friends. Looking back on it, picking Florida A&M to win it all was probably a long shot. My brackets have more ugly picks than a guy who eats his scabs.
As crappy as my picks were, I was right about the only two things that matter to me. Terps won. Duke lost. Let me say again, Duke lost. In the first round. And everyone saw it coming. On a day that saw all of the other high seeds advance, they were the lone upset. Mmmm…just a spoonful of sugar to watch the Dukies go down…Duke tears, by the way, are nature’s sweet n’ low. They’re a hateable team…it’s not news, I know but, as a UMd alum (best 7 years of my life…and no, I’m not a doctor), I take special satisfaction in watching the Dukies take a tumble while we play on. It also irks the shit out of me that Coach K looks like the mascot. It’s as if that foam rubber outfit wished it could be a real boy. In case you missed it, here’s the only minute that mattered from Thursday night…

Oh, is this a dagger I see before me? Love it.

Go Terps.

To be continued…

Numbers

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in 100, comedy, DC Improv, Richard Jeni

Welcome ‘Redheads, to the 100th installment of this collection of corny chronicles. Sure, 100 blogs may not seem like alot in the grand blog scheme, but keep in mind that my compulsive procrastination and complete lack of follow-thru should’ve doomed this little exercise about 90 installments ago. With 100 in the bag, I think it’s time to start a new chapter…or lengthen the run-on sentence. You’ll notice, just below the hit counter, that I’ve sold out. Hopefully, I can squeeze a couple dimes out of this thing over the next 100 installments. I’ve got a pack of Ramen noodles that I’ve got my eye on. Enough with the shameless plea for spare change. Let’s take one down, pass it around, and get on with the business of #100…which is coming to you one hour sooner, thanks to daylight savings time.
Let’s get the math out of the way and figure out just how many of you still check in on this thing. The formula is (# of hits – 3 x # of installments since the counter was put in…to account for the number of times I check it)/ the number of installments since the counter was put in. That comes to:

(9000 – 225)/75 = 117
It’s good to see that the amount of potential readers does actually outnumber the installments. Just think, in 17 more posts, you can each have the kind of 1 on 1 attention that is normally not seen outside of nursing home patients and the severely retarded. You’re special. I’m hoping that the eventual completion of JaredLive.com (any day now) will give the readership a goose…or a cornish hen…or something.
A big thanks to the DC Improv for opening the doors of the brand new DC Improv Comedy Lounge to Danny Rouhier, Jon Mumma, and myself for it’s first local stand-up showcase. And thanks to the people who sold out the show and packed it just shy of fire code violation. Granted, it only holds 60 people, but the atmosphere was intimate and made for contagious laughter and Danny, Jon, and I should’ve been quarantined. After the show, we were approached by a couple people who told us they chose to come to our show instead of the main room show, with Pablo Francisco. Others just got sold out of that show and decided to laugh at us instead. Either way, it was a cool night.
It wasn’t all sunshine and lollipops, however. Just before the show got started, we learned that Richard Jeni shot himself. Yeesh. Apparently, while his girlfriend was making breakfast, he remembered how he liked his brains…scrambled (I am going straight to hell).

Thanks for reading the first 100 blogs. Here’s to 100 more…or at least one.

To be continued…