Category: funny

Streak Free Sheen

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, humor, Jared Stern, Nicolas Cage, tour

Hey there, ‘Redheads… The circus is in town, as Charlie Sheen’s Violent Tirade Of Drug Addled Catchphrases Tour has wrecked its train in DC tonight. It’s been roughly three weeks since he concocted this tour and the novelty of Sheen’s ramblings have worn off. We’re all coming to the realization that Charlie is no Gary Busey. I host a trivia night in DC on Tuesday nights and a couple people in the bar were pre-gaming before the show tonight. They said that the start time had been pushed back an hour to 9pm because Charlie had to be at a custody hearing in L.A. today. It’s 10:45 right now. I’ve got five bucks that says the show hasn’t started yet. When he does finally hit the stage, there’s only a couple things that I think will hold the attention of the gawking masses. Either he juices a live tiger, then does a keg stand over the carcass, or he does a staged reading of Major League. Otherwise, people will make their way to the ticket counter and demand loudly, “Refunding!”

Apparently, Charlie’s whack-job antics have rubbed off on other celebrities recently. Nicolas Cage was recently arrested for disturbing the peace at a tattoo parlor in New Orleans. That’s so unlike him. Really, I’m shocked that Nicolas Cage would do such a thing…

See you Wednesday.

Passover, Then Pass Out

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, gefilte fish, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, passover

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I’ve got a couple glasses of Maneschevitz in me, so this blog will be short and sweet, then it’s bedtime for Bonzo. I just got back from Passover seder, one of the many times that Jews celebrate the recurring theme of, “They tried to kill us. They didn’t. Let’s eat.” I enjoy Passover, mostly because you’re required to drink four glasses of wine, but also because we get to take credit for building the pyramids. Since the seder I was at had small children present, we used a haggadah for kids. It was a bit more sing-songy, but it kept them involved. Sort of like One Fish, Two Fish , Red Fish, Gefilte Fish. It took pieces of the Passover story and made songs out of them to the tune of “Pop Goes the Weasel” or “On Top of Old Smokey.” My favorite was the song about the ten plagues that was put to the tune of “If You’re Happy and You Know It.” That’s now my second favorite song about the plagues. What’s my favorite, you ask?

During the seder, it’s customary to ask the four questions about why this night is different from all other nights. Well, now that it’s over, I have a couple follow up questions… 1) Why does my head hurt? 2) Why did I eat so much kugel? 3) Why do I keep forgetting that I can’t stand macaroons? And 4) What’s the deal with gefilte fish? Personally, I think gefilte fish is people.

All questions for another day. I’m going to bed. See you Tuesday. By the way, spell check hates the Jews apparently. Just sayin’…

Rock Out

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in 98Rock, bad habits, comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Justin Schlegel, Metallica

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I’m getting to the blog a little late today. I just got done rocking out in my car on the drive home from hosting my weekly trivia night in Bethesda. Some of you may have heard of my buddy, comedy dynamo, Justin Schlegel. Even though he just moved out to LA to seek fame and fortune, he hasn’t forgotten his old bay sprinkled roots back in Baltimore. In fact, he hosts the night-time show on 98Rock from his new digs in la-la-land. Anyway, I get in my car about ten minutes to 11, looking forward to Mandatory Metallica to provide the soundtrack to my aggressive driving. Well, Mr. Schlegel got the Metall-itch a little early, and treated us to this little ditty to wet our metal whistle. Extend your devil horns, crank up your speakers, and let your face melt like a fine fondue…

That was followed by two killer tracks off of Death Magnetic (that whole album is great), Suicide and Redemption and The End of the Line. Great ride home, is all I’m saying.

I neglected to mention that I am honey-less for roughly two weeks, as my girlfriend is away on a business trip. I miss her, but the toilet seat is where it’s supposed to be. Up. And it’s staying there. I wish I could say that my fart quotient has gone up, but I pretty much let loose regardless and blame it on a mysterious duck. Another gross habit that I engage in, with or without her, is picking my belly button. It is a never ending source of lint. It’s like someone put me together at the Build-A-Bear Workshop. When the weather gets hotter, I’ll be a walking dryer fire hazard.

See you Thursday.

Tuesday Random Crap

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, NCAA, UConn

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I hope this blog finds you well on a blustery Tuesday night. I’m still waiting on the footage from the Improv, so I give you another random pull from the lottery popper in my head.

One thing I neglected to mention in my brief recap of my weekend at the DC Improv, was the number of British people that came to the shows. Apparently, the exchange rate on my jokes is pretty good. I must’ve shook hands and exchanged pleasantries with at least a half dozen people who sounded like Russell Brand.

I would also be remiss if I didn’t mention the NCAA Championship game that was contested last night between the Butler Bulldogs and the UConn Huskies. It made sense that two dog teams were playing because that game was a steaming pile. The only thing uglier is Verne Lundquist’s jowls in HD. I was disappointed that Butler lost because I was looking forward to all of the hack sports headlines, like “BUTLER DID IT!” or “HUSKIES SERVED LOSS BY BUTLER” or “BUTLER CLEANS UP”. Alas, those dreams were dashed. Man, Butler shot horribly. I heard one stat that they were 1 for 25 from the paint. That’s only one more basket than I had and I didn’t even play. I was an inside presence for Butler from my couch. There were fewer bricks thrown during the L.A. riots in ’92 (Google it). Overall it was a great tournament, but that game was a crappy way to cap things off.

That’s all I got. See you Wednesday.

Pity the Fool

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Judah Friedlander, pranks

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Once again, I’m getting to blog activities early because I’ll be neck deep in the adulation of strangers tonight. If you still want to come see me at the DC Improv this weekend with Judah Friedlander, the only tickets left are for the Sunday 8pm show. No foolin‘. The rest of the weekend is completely sold out. Enough of the shameless self-promotion. That’s not what you came here for. Why are you here, exactly? Don’t answer that. Best not to question why. Don’t look a gift reader in the mouth. And I’m not going to try to pull any lame April Fool’s Day pranks on you either. Everything has been done. Besides, everyone I know is so jaded and skeptical that I’d pretty much have to fake my own death to get a reaction out of them. That’s too much work. And what even counts as a prank anymore? I’ve seen some of these prank shows on MTV and all of them boil down to waking someone out of a dead sleep, scaring the shit out of them, and/or kicking them in the nuts. No real planning, just taking advantage of a sleeping target. Like fishing with a hand grenade. Sure, there’s a big payoff, but it’s too easy. This, on the other hand, is one of the best YouTube-era pranks I’ve ever seen…

Then there’s the flipside of the heightened prank paranoia that today brings. When people tell you actual true things and you refuse to believe them because you don’t want to get had. I checked back in the blog archives and I don’t think I’ve shared this anecdote with you, but exactly three years ago, my buddy Seth called me to tell me that his wife was pregnant with their second child. Seth is like family to me, so I was very happy for him and I was psyched to be an uncle-by-proxy again. I wished him a hearty congratulations, then we hung up. Then I realized what day it was. I called him back and got his voicemail and I left him a message something along the lines of, “Ha ha, very funny. Way to toy with my emotions, ya prick.” He called back and tried to convince me, but I would have none of it, because he’s the kind of guy that would take a joke that far at my expense. I took me until his son was born for me to finally believe him. See you Monday. If you make it out to the Improv, stop by and say hi after the show.

In the Cards

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in air traffic control, comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Reagan National, sleeping

Hey there, ‘Redheads… It’s a slow news day here in the tiny pocket of cyberspace that this blog occupies. I’m happy to report that I’ve finally gotten new business cards. Previously, I had none of your goddamn business cards, but those weren’t the best networking tool. I like these new ones. It will set me apart from roughly half of the cheap comedian crowd, who all have the same showbiz card design from VistaPrint.com, with the old school microphone and the flowing red curtain. The design is sharp, clean, and professional looking, which means I don’t have to try to be any of those things. The card will represent me in fishbowls and garbage cans all over DC. I actually always wanted to have business cards like Clooney had in Ocean’s 11. Just had “Danny Ocean” written on them. He was so cool, that was all the information you needed. I’m not quite there yet. Hopefully, these’ll help drum up some business. If you print them, they will come. Or something.

Y’know who’s going to need new business cards? The putz who nodded off in the air traffic control tower at Reagan the other night. That’s the last time they have Wear Your Snuggie to Work Day. I can just imagine what went on in the planes that had to land while this guy was drooling into the crook of his arm. “This is your captain speaking. We’re about to begin our descent into Reagan National Airport. Please fasten your seat belts. And if those of you with a window seat could take a look outside and let me know if you see anything get too close, that’d be a big help.” I’m shocked the cabin didn’t depressurize from every passenger’s butt simultaneously puckering. They better have waived the checked bag fee or given them a voucher for a stiff drink once they got on the ground. To make sure this doesn’t happen again, they’ve put an extra guy on duty in the tower for the midnight to 5 am shift. The second guy is there to poke the first guy. Fool proof.

See you Friday.

Winning, Duh

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Anne Hathaway, comedy, funny, Gaddafi, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, In Memoriam, James Franco, Jared Stern, oscars, winning

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Welcome to the first day of March. Once again, my calendar is a flip book and the first two months of the year are gone. They’re not even giving me enough time to procrastinate anymore. Well, I guess time flies when you’re winning. So, for Charlie Sheen, tomorrow it’ll be 2014. He’s absolutely everywhere you look these last two days, giving interviews to anyone within earshot. It’s Charlie’s world and the rest of us are just along for the tour of the chocolate factory. He’s starring in The Sheening, and his two goddesses are those creepy kids in the hallway beckoning him to, “Come play with us, Charlie. For ever and ever and ever.” How many other obscure movie references can I make about this? Charlie has spent the last few years developing a immunity to cocaine powder. My question is, why is everyone shocked by him anymore? The man does not care, he’s not hurting anyone, his kids seem well cared for, and the only reason why his show got cancelled is because CBS got their panties in a bunch. He wanted to work, and he obviously was doing well enough in his condition to hit his marks up until now. Now he’s talking about warlocks and tiger blood, calling Sinatra and Jagger, “droopy-eyed, armless children,” and telling AA to take twelve steps off a cliff, so everyone gets all indignant and wonders how he can sleep at night. Well, my friends, if he decides to sleep, it’s on a giant pile of money with many beautiful women. He’s living the life we all wish we could. If you want to become more of a warlock rock star from Mars in your everyday life, might I recommend Charlie Sheen for the Soul. Charlie Sheen is a hell of a drug.

I have a feeling Gaddafi buried his head into a giant mound of Sheen like Pacino in Scarface. That’s the only guy making less sense than Charlie these days. What also makes no sense is there’s no consensus on how to spell his name. Maybe because if we get it right, he’ll be banished back to the 5th dimension. I’ve seen “Gaddafi,” “Qudhafi,” and my personal favorite, “Khadaffi,” mostly because it makes me think of Daffy Duck. Hard hitting political insight can be found elsewhere.

I should mention the Oscars before I sign off. They stunk. I’ll admit, I didn’t see all of the broadcast. I was over a friend’s house watching as my Terps toyed with my emotions while losing to UNC, while my girlfriend was hosting an Oscar party for her gal pals. Like I had mentioned on Friday, the only thing I was looking forward to was the In Memoriam segment, and they somehow managed to screw that up. Hollywood legends like Tony Curtis and Dennis Hopper got the same amount of screen time as a key grip from Howard the Duck. How do you not have Leslie Neilsen saying his classic, “Don’t call me Shirley,” line from Airplane? And they completely left out Corey Haim and Peter Graves. The hosts were awful. I’ve haven’t seen worse chemistry since the time I tried to make a battery out of a potato in my 4th grade science fair. James Franco was so wooden, he made Al Gore look like Dane Cook. By the end of the show, I thought Anne Hathaway was going to try to cut off her arm to get out from under him. There was such a sigh of relief when Billy Crystal was introduced, I thought the producers has brought him out of cryogenic freeze to take over. This just further proves that you never send an actor to do a comedian’s job.

See you Wednesday.

Friday Round Up

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, movies, oscars, Sketchup

Hey there, ‘Redheads… For all of you who were working for the weekend, congratulations, you’ve arrived. I just got back from a show at my alma mater, the University of Maryland, to judge a preliminary round of the District’s Funniest College competition and tell jokes to the disaffected youth. Not only was the audience packed, but all of the fifteen contestants acquitted themselves nicely. Go Terps. Afterwards, I got to talking to a couple current members of the sketch comedy group I helped found, Sketchup. They’ll be having their 15th anniversary show in April. I feel proud and old at the same time.

Apparently, Charlie Sheen has gone Busey on us. If you haven’t heard his radio rant from yesterday, he referred to himself as a “Vatican assassin warlock.” If that’s not the next movie on SyFy Channel, I’ll be sorely disappointed. He can fight Sharktopus. He rambled for about twenty minutes about how he’s healed himself with his mind and how he’s unappreciated for polishing turds into comedy gold. Do yourself a favor and give it a listen. It makes Mel Gibson sound like Frasier Crane. Now CBS has halted production on Two and a Half Men and everyone is worried what will become of one of the highest rated sitcoms on TV. I have a simple solution for them. Something that has worked for shows like Happy Days and Married with Children. Two words: Ted McGinley. He’s plug and play. Give him a call. I bet his schedule is wide open.

The Oscars are Sunday and the only thing I’m really looking forward to is the In Memoriam segment. I’ve only seen two of the flicks that are up for Best Picture, Inception and The Fighter. All I know is, Inception was one of the most satisfying movie going experiences I’ve had in about five years. It was original and well made. Right now, my opinion of the movie industry isn’t great. So many remakes and reboots and regurgitated crap in 3-D. There are plans in the works to remake Fletch, Highlander, and to reboot Spider-man and Superman. Hollywood, reboot thyself. Just re-release the original movies. You’re just trying to mine the nostalgia anyway. Howabout you leave our memories alone and go make some new ones, huh? By the way, if you pay money to see Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, we can’t be friends anymore. Just putting that out there.

See you Monday.

Hot Hot Hot

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, heat, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Jeopardy, Ken Jennings

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Urp. Excuse me. I am stuffed. I just got done having hipster fish n’ chips: sushi and tater tots. Do yourself a favor, if you ever get to Sticky Rice on H St, order the Bucket of Tots. Food is always better when served in a bucket. That’s sage advice from the Colonel to me to you. I hope everyone is enjoying this sudden onset of beautiful weather in the DC area. Savor it. Drink it in. It’ll probably snow next week. Remember, if you don’t like the weather in DC, wait a minute. There’s a scientific reason why we’re heating up. No, not global warming, silly. The sun is trying to kill us…

A magnitude X2.2 solar flare that occurred on Monday will reach Earth during the late hours of February 17th, with the potential for geomagnetic storms and spectacular views of the aurora borealis, or the northern lights. This latest solar flare happens to be the strongest unleashed by the sun in nearly four years.

Yeah, so enjoy the sixty degree weather, because apparently we’re being preheated. Somebody call Michael Bay, Bruce Willis, and Steven Tyler. They’re the only ones that can save us. The flare could potentially wreak havoc with GPS satellites and electronic devices. Thanks for not letting that havoc keep you from reading the blog, by the way. You guys are real troopers. One thing I’m sure of, somebody’s getting superpowers out of this.

Speaking of things trying to kill us, Watson, IBM’s gameshow murderbot, took the first step toward overthrowing humanity and crushed two of our biggest nerds on Jeopardy. The last three days was just so IBM could show off their vast improvement on the Magic 8-ball. All that was missing was someone putting a top hat on it and having it sing “Puttin‘ on the Ritz.” With defeat imminent, Ken Jennings took it all in stride…I think Ken then challenged Watson to a foot race. Or thumb wrestling. We’re doomed.

But, at least tomorrow is Friday. ‘Til then.

Take a Look, It’s in a Book…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in books, Chapter 11, comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern

Hey there ‘Redheads… Happy Hump Day to you and yours. Since I started writing this blog on a weekdaily basis, you might have noticed that, on some days, the content can be a little thin. There’ve been some days where flies have been buzzing around the blog’s eyes. So, I’m a big fan when the news drops a turnip in my lap from which I can squeeze some blood…

From the Washington Post: Yet another analog bookseller has taken a step closer to a digital demise. Borders filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy this morning, hoping to restructure its finances and reboot its operations.

That’s right, folks, Borders has filed for Chapter 11. Why don’t they just wait for the movie to come out? I’m guessing that’s not Chapter 11 of “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” Don’t spoil it for me. I haven’t gotten past Chapter 3 yet. Gee, I wonder where Borders could find information about navigating a bankruptcy? If you go to a Borders and there’s a copy of “Bankruptcy For Dummies” left on the shelf, then they’re just not trying. I bet there’s at least one guy in Arizona who woke up this morning, saw the story about Borders closing and said, “‘Bout time.” What sucks is, most people probably read this story online. Everything is online now. I’m not writing this with a quill and ink. It’s only a matter of time before books are quaint relics. It stinks, but it’s true. Our culture is lazy, and books are heavy. You can put an entire library on an iPad now. This is bad news for a large segment of our economy. Makers of bookshelves and sassy bookmarks will have to find a new skill set. The loss of Borders is a mixed blessing, if you think about it. That’s one less place where people can buy Snooki’s book.

Speaking of light reading, I passed a sign on the beltway that said “DUI Enforcement Area”. That seems to imply that in every other area, they’ll just let it slide.

See you Thursday.