Category: http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post

Undead, Fundead…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Blogtober, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, illiterate, Jared Stern, R. Kelly, zombieland, zombies

Hey there ‘Redheads… The usual combination of sloth and procrastination has kept me from updating the blog in a timely fashion. September slipped by with only three lousy installments, but I’m hoping for a stout and hearty Blogtober. Much like Christmas takes over all of December, this month gets swallowed by the jack o’lantern’s maw of Halloween. If it’s dead, undead, or screaming its last breath, this is the time to indulge all of your morbid curiosities. If you’re still reading, you’ve probably noticed that the laughter was strangled out of this blog a couple sentences ago…

Among my favorite macabre mascots are zombies, which is why I give two severed thumbs up to Zombieland. Easily, the best zomedy since Shaun of the Dead and a great zombie movie period. It’ll eat your brain and slurp the marrow from your funny bone. From the driving opening credits set to Metallica’s “For Whom The Bell Tolls” to a brilliant homage to the greatest paranormal comedy ever made, this is the most fun you’ll have watching the world end. After the movie, I bumped into a couple people who thought it was a documentary…

When it comes to zombies, some people are divided on a key issue: shamblers or sprinters? Zombie purists prefer their undead to shuffle toward their prey with excruciating inevitability. The 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead gave us zombies that could full on sprint. It just depends how you want your brains eaten. I kind of prefer the shamblers, only because I’d like to think I could outrun a dead guy. I need to get back to the gym. Right now, the only way I break a sweat is if I freeze some then drop it on the floor. But I digress. One last cool zombie thing before I move on. Check this out…

Right now, that’s just a fan trailer for a book, but here’s hoping that George Lucas is looking to shake a few more nickels out of us soon. I’d buy that for a dollar.

You know who else is hoping that book gets made into a movie? R. Kelly…

R&B singer/songwriter R. Kelly revealed that despite his musical talents, he suffers from illiteracy and barely made it through grade school. The Grammy winner recently spoke at the Midwest Music Festival in Chicago, about the trials and tribulations of starting his career.

I guess that’s one less thing the “R” stands for. Now that I think about it, that probably explains why he shortened it to R. It might also explain the complex metaphor, “You remind me of my jeep.” Anybody else catch the curious word choice in that blurb? He “suffers” from illiteracy. Last time I checked, there wasn’t a book allergy. He can suffer from dyslexia, but outside of that I’m guessing it’s a raging case of stupid. If illiteracy was contagious, it would be impossible to diagnose it from WebMD.

Before I wrap things up, the DC area lost an icon today. Ben Ali, the man behind Ben’s Chili Bowl died at age 82 of congestive heart failure. I’ve enjoyed many a Ben’s half-smoke during this past baseball season. Most times, it was best part of the Nats games. Keep your eyes peeled for a Bill Cosby sighting. I’m sure he’ll be in town to pay his respects…and give a rambling eulogy. Ben, you’ll live on inside us all.

That’s all for now. My illiteracy is flaring up…

Me Olde

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in 5770, birthday, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Jay Leno, Jews, NFL, Pee Wee Herman, Redskins, Santana Moss

Hey there ‘Redheads… We’re on the back end of September, which seems like it’s only a week long. With time on an out of control rocket sled toward the future, I find myself reflecting on my life and a piece of it that I’ll never get back. That’s right, I just got done watching The Jay Leno Show. Wow, what a clunky pile of dreck that thing is. I realize it’s only in its second week, and it may still be looking for its comedy stride, but holy crap. It’s tough to find your stride with a charlie horse in one leg and polio in the other. His guest on tonight’s show was Pee Wee Herman. Nice to see Jay burnt through his celebrity Rolodex in the first week. They talked about when he got bit by the acting bug, and then he made Jay a salad. I wish I was kidding… I wish they were kidding… I almost euthanized my TV.

Speaking of finding your stride in the second week, howabout them Redskins, huh? They sputtered through another 60 minutes of football and narrowly beat the hapless Rams 9 to 7. And they were roundly booed by the home crowd. I can’t imagine why. It’s week two and your punter has more touchdowns than your starting running back. To the Redskins, the endzone is a mythical place, and the two members of the team that’ve crossed its magical threshold tell the tallest tales of the creatures that frolic there. I’m not one to boast about my athletic prowess but, through two weeks, I have comparable stats to Redskin wide receiver, Santana Moss. I only have 5 fewer catches, 41 fewer yards, the same number of touchdowns, and I haven’t fumbled. I’m expecting a contract offer from the team any time now. I’m no Cowboy fan either, but that monstrosity of a stadium that Jerry Jones built is pretty impressive. That place is so huge, the bathroom attendant is a Minotaur. After they lost to the Giants, I expected Jerry’s withered visage to show up on that massive jumbotron, give the thumbs down, and release the lions to eat Romo. By the way, Jerry Jones should never ever be in HD. He looks like he chose the wrong grail.

By the way, Happy 5770 to everybody. That’s right, Jews control show business and time travel. Wow, 5770…shit’s crazy. Anyone else think we’re way overdue for…

Keeping with the theme of lost time and wasted potential, it’s my birthday on Thursday. I’ll be 34…17 again…the 13th anniversary of my 21st birthday…the combined maturity of 17 two-year-olds. At some point this week, I’ll be plunging a candle into the blow hole of Fudgy the Whale. I’m not treating 34 like it’s old or anything. You’re only as old as you feel, so I’ve been 80 for a couple years now anyway. I got a small taste of life’s fragility earlier this week. I hit a bird with my car on my way to work. It just flew right out in front of me. What a way to start the morning. Just my luck. It didn’t have insurance and it didn’t speak English…

On the off chance any of you were thinking about buying me a birthday present, allow me to drop this subtle hint…

Huge show coming up this Saturday, in the DC Improv Comedy Lounge…

Jason Weems
Steve Coltrain
Doug Powell
Erin Jackson
…and me.

Even if you’re sick of me, this show is gonna be awesome. Miss it at your peril. Click here for tix.

To be continued…

Four… Score.

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Adam Dodd, comedy, fantasy football, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Kanye West, MTV, NFL, Redskins, VMAs

Hey there ‘Redheads… This introductory part of every installment, where I apologize for not blogging in awhile, then make a few witty self-deprecating statements designed to lower your expectations, while piquing your curiosity to read further… Yeah, I’m having some trouble with that. Let’s just take it as a given and move on, shall we? There’s alot to get to. Where to start? Didja see those VMA’s? Howabout that rabble rousing upstart, Kanye West ruining poor Taylor Swift’s big moment, huh? Wow, and then Beyonce graciously giving Taylor a chance to finish her acceptance speech. Oh, and howabout anybody still giving a shit about MTV? Really, people. Get a hold of yourselves. Arguing over who is more deserving of a video music award is kinda like arguing over who would be faster in a race, if they were both gerbils. It’s arbitrary and irrelevant. And it was probably staged anyway. If this incident proves anything, it’s that Kanye West doesn’t care about white people. I think my feelings can best be expressed in song…written and sung by Adam Dodd…

Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, on to stuff that matters… Like fantasy football. I went 2-2 over the weekend. My four fantasy teams had me crunching numbers like Rain Man on meth. Again, I won’t bore you with all the statistical minutiae, but the Minnesota Vicarious are going to be a hypothetical force to be virtually reckoned with this season, with a passing attack that includes Drew Brees, Randy Moss, Reggie Wayne, and Santonio Holmes. Just sayin‘…

In real NFL goings on, I’d like to thank Jake Delhomme for his 5 turnover performance on Sunday, because it gives me an excuse to trot out one of my favorite lines… *ahem* I’ve seen fewer balls thrown away in a dog neutering facility. And scene. Howabout those Redskins, huh? That offense is a garbage fire. If you go into halftime and your punter has scored your only touchdown, I think it’s time to stop basing your game plan on a previous night’s bar bet. The defense didn’t do much better. I’ve heard of the bend-but-don’t-break defense, but this squad did the kind of bending that is usual reserved for Cirque du Soleil. It’s a long season, and this was just the first game, but the ‘Skins appear to have more holes than the Penthouse Invitational golf tournament.

The inevitable zombie uprising got a little more rhythm, as we lost Patrick Swayze yesterday. He finally got put in a corner by pancreatic cancer. Of course, he’ll be remembered for his iconic roles in Dirty Dancing, Ghost, Road House, Red Dawn, and Point Break, but I’ll always remember him for this little number…


Swayze, we hardly knew ye…

For those of you who give a crap and are curious about this installment’s title, today (or yesterday now) marks this blog’s 4th anniversary. I started this exercise in self importance shortly after moving in to Stately Stern Manor. Thanks for reading…and for not impeaching me.

To be continued…

To the Nines…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, fantasy football, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Lorenzo Lamas, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s 9/09/09 (at least it was when I started writing this), a once in a hundred years event. So, I figure why not write a blog that is just as mediocre as the last hundred? Somehow, it got to be September already, when I’m pretty sure it was June a couple weeks ago. Right on cue, after Labor Day, a shroud of gloom has swept across the land. It’s cold and gray and downright dismal outside. Allow this beacon of mild amusement to be a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. I just bought new ribbons for my 1000 monkeys’ typewriters…time to rattle their cage.

For me, these last couple days have been consumed with circumventing reality. I’ve had four fantasy football drafts in the last week, and I’m itching to let the stats fly on the delusional gridiron. I won’t bore you with in-depth analysis, I’ll just share my favorite of my four team names…The Minnesota Vicarious. I’m just happy that the NFL is back in all of its grass stained glory. I’ve had enough of tennis and soccer and baseball. Let’s kickoff and hit something.

I’m also pretty excited because I found evidence to disprove gravity…

Someone give this guy a mascot contract…or a ninja outfit. And let me take this time to emphasize that the videos I slap on this blog are to enhance the overall blog experience. Watch them. Just a public service message, because I think alot of you just skim and leave the links and videos alone. They’re eye candy for you to suck on. Just saying is all…

Speaking of sour eye candy, while channel surfing the other day, I landed on the SyFy opus, Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus. The movie had some pretty innovative concepts, like using a cardboard stand-up of Lorenzo Lamas for all of his scenes. If Lamas was any more wooden, they could’ve used him for kindling. I know the economy is tight, but they’ve gotta find some way of bumping up these SyFy effects budgets. I’ve seen better visual effects on a Lite Brite. I could’ve concocted more compelling action sequences with a flip camera, a Jaws poster, and a wacky wall walker. It did offer one pretty cool visual, though…

Enough with the bad acting. I present to you a genuine adorable 3-year-old who has it all figured out. She has taken the phenomena of Facebook and Twitter and distilled them to their essence with a song…

That’s pretty much what it is. We are all 3-year-olds clamoring for attention without really knowing why.

Quick reminder: I’m opening for God’s Pottery @ DC9 on Sunday, the 13th. I’m hoping to see some friendly faces out there, because DC9 is primarily a music venue. Music crowds don’t know how to behave when stand-up hits the stage. I need you guys to keep those chattering hipsters in line. Click here for tix and info. See you there…

To be continued…

Everlasting Blogstopper

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Chris White, comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Indian Head, Jared Stern, North Carolina, video

Hey there ‘Redheads… Blogust is just about over and, once again, I’m just about overdue. But, since we had a clog in the blog supply lines, there’s been a build-up of content…a bountiful corny-copia of anecdotes and witticisms await you. Sound the feasting horn. I’m just getting back to the grind after six straight days of shows and roughly 1300 miles driven.

I’ll get to that timeline in a bit, but first let’s wind the clock back 10 days to tell you about the show I did in Indian Head, MD with my good buddy, Chris White. I don’t know if you realize this, but Indian Head is a place of great historical significance. Maybe you read the book when you were a kid. Indian Head is where the sidewalk ends. There wasn’t much out there, except for the building excitement for the comedy cluster bomb we were about to drop.
We descended upon the Black Box Theater armed with good intentions and middling expectations. The place seated 85. We drew 23, elevating the show to rumor status. Those in attendance saw the premiere of our latest video sketch, which, if you’ll dim the lights at your desk, I’ll now show you. Enjoy The International Guilt-Off…

Please to make us viral. Or at least bacterial. Make it worth a handi-wipe.

On to my week-long mild amusement tour of North Carolina. My trip was kicked off by my truck’s air conditioning compressor going kablooey, costing me roughly what I’d be making for the week. Good thing I don’t do this for the money…oh wait. With the repair done just in time for me to make the initial 6 hour schlep, I made my way to the first stop, Lake Norman. The show was above a fun little Irish pub called The Galway Hooker. Located directly across the street was a pole dancing school. There’s a recital I want to attend. I peeked in the window to take a gander…very clean mirrors. We had a surprisingly packed house for a Tuesday night. Good times. After the show, I got to talking to one of the hostesses at the bar downstairs. The conversation turned to future plans and she mentioned that her dream was to be an underwater welder. Add a midget playing bocce ball, and that would be an actual dream I once had. Apparently, underwater welding is a highly paid vocation. Probably because they know how to light a torch underwater. It makes me wish I had pursued that underwater basket weaving degree…to have a skill to fall back on.

Wednesday was a night off from the slate of shows, but I still wanted to be comedically productive. Luckily, my buddy John Betz Jr. lives in Raleigh and was able to to get me on a showcase he was headlining at Charlie Goodnight’s. When I got to Raleigh, I had some time to kill before meeting John at the club. Turns out, Goodnight’s is a stone’s throw from NC State, so I figured why not take a stroll through campus and see just how tough it is for a 33 year old to blend in. It’s back to school time, so there was a huge outdoor poster sale going on for the disaffected youth to adorn their dorms. I took a look at the selection. They were the same goddamn posters they sold when I was in college 12 years ago. Reservoir Dogs, Scarface, Pulp Fiction…don’t these kids have any cultural references of their own that’re worth slapping on a wall? After about a half hour of walking around in the heat, my ass crack became more of an ass creek, so I retreated to the car for an much needed blast of air conditioning. I scanned through the local radio stations and landed on a gospel station. They went to their station meteorologist for a weather report. I half expected him to say, “Whatever happens, it’s God’s will. Back to you.” It finally came time for the show, which was an open mic all stars show. A collection of the club’s finest regular local comics…and me. If you’ve never had the pleasure, do yourself a favor and get down to Goodnight’s. The Wednesday showcase was sold out and the crowd was amazing. Can’t wait to get back there.

After basking in the warm glow of Raleigh, it was off to Greenville for a show at the Comedy Zone. I’m a big fan of any place where you perform in the same location as your accommodations. It makes it easier to stumble to bed without risking injury. Good thing, because in Greenville I was introduced to sweet tea vodka. Holy crap, could I get into alot of trouble with that stuff. Not since somebody gave a baby a hand grenade has a combination been so dangerous. My one complaint about this trip through NC was the lack of sweet tea guzzling. The last time, with all the sweet tea I drank, I brought home a great souvenir of the trip…diabetes. The show went ok. A bit too much slack-jawed gawkery for my taste, but they can’t all be winners.

The rest of the trip went great. I’ve exhausted all the major tidbits, and I’m a smidge exhausted myself. Before I finish up, I’d like to unabashedly plug a few local shows I have coming up…

Friday, Aug. 28th – I’ll be making my return to the late night Bar Bacon Fun Time Comedy Show up in Baltimore. The line-up is pretty stacked… Andy Kline, Hampton Yount, Aparna Nacherla, and possibly Dr. Doom…you heard me.

Saturday, Aug. 29th –

Sept. 13th – I’ll be opening up for the musical comedy duo, God’s Pottery, at DC9…more info to come, but mark your calendars accordingly.

To be continued…

Blog #243

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Chris White, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Indian Head, Jared Stern

Hey there ‘Redheads… This installment is going to be a placeholder for a bigger blog that’ll get written this weekend and will include the debut of a brand new video sketch collaboration with comedy super friend, Chris White. Be sure to check out our previous work, conveniently linked on the right-hand side of the page. In the meantime, I’m going to go ahead and whore this space out to plug a big show on Saturday…

See you there…

And here with all of the aftershow afterglow…

I Is, Therefore I Am…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Danny Rouhier, Facebook, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, John Hughes, status

Hey there, ‘Redheads… It’s Friday, it’s Blogust, and I’m bored at work. So, why not wring some self-importance out of the spongy mass that does my thinking for me? This installment is a string of my favorite status updates from Facebook over the last month or so… I know, try to control yourselves. Some of these actually meet this blog’s standards of mild amusement. After you get done, I promise to have a couple videos and pictures to make up for that time you’ll never get back. So, put on your water wings, strap on your goggles, and take a dip in Lake Me…

Jared Stern started the day with toast… It may well be all downhill from here…

Jared Stern hopes Twitter gets back online, so I can resume not giving a shit…

Jared Stern bought the audio book for the Yellow Pages… Turns out, I really can listen to Morgan Freeman read the phone book…

Jared Stern is going to hit Rock Bottom tonight… The bar, not the figurative personal abyss…

Jared Stern thinks Victoria’s Secret should help the ladies during the economic slide and come out with a Financial Support Bra…

Jared Stern would like very much for the person who has my voodoo doll to stop with the poking… Thanks.

Jared Stern found out that today is National Tequila Day… Which makes tomorrow National Day of Regret…

Jared Stern heard some pundit say that health care reform could be Obama’s Waterloo, and now I have the chorus of that goddamn ABBA song stuck in my head…

Jared Stern suffers from Occasional Fatigue Syndrome…

Jared Stern came very close to committing seppuku with a golf pencil at trivia tonight, but our team roared back to win and dishonor was averted…

Jared Stern can’t get no statusfaction…

Jared Stern is drifting off into the black sleep of Kali Ma known as Zyrtec…

Jared Stern gained superhuman quickness when I realized my car might’ve been towed… Luckily, it wasn’t… Back to sloth mode…

Jared Stern forgot to read the instructions before I went to bed… My mattress has the sleep number of the beast…

Jared Stern isn’t sure… I’m either wishing I was asleep or dreaming that I’m awake…

See, that wasn’t so bad, now was it?

A note to all of you hacks out there who insist on doing a Bill Cosby impression in your act, and think all it takes is mentioning a pudding pop. This is how it’s done…

That’s comedy buddy, Danny Rouhier on the radio with Joe Robinson and Mike Aronin. Note that aside from a question addressed to him, there is no mention of Jell-O pudding in the 4+ minutes of spot-on Cosby. He could host Picture Pages with that impression. So, unless you’re that good, maybe it’s time to drop Coz from the repertoire…and ixnay on the Ocidile-cray Unter-hay, while you’re at it.

Add another clip to the In Memoriam montage at this year’s Oscars… Director John Hughes died of a heart attack yesterday while on a walk in New York. Walking. The silent killer. Like everyone else in my age bracket, his movies were an integral part of our teen angst-riddled 80’s upbringing. Weird Science and Ferris Beuller’s Day Off are two of my personal favorites. Mr. Hughes, we won’t…forget about you…

To be continued…

Me Vs. Food

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Bogey's, challenge, comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Kent, Man Vs. Food, The Stuanator

Hey there ‘Redheads… The last couple months since the blog whirlwind of May have been kinda slack. That’s all about to change… Welcome to Blogust. Aside from the gimmicky name, there probably won’t be any extra effort exerted on my part, but at least it sounds like I’m trying. Blogust won’t be lacking as far as stuff to blog about. This month is jam packed comedy-wise for me. It all kicked off this past weekend at Bogey’s Comedy Club just outside of Cleveland, OH.

Big thanks to Kirk and the rest of the fine folks at Bogey’s for making my first trip there a good one. I had a fun weekend with headliner, Nathan Timmel. We entertained dozens of people. Stupid summer time… C’mon, people… Why wouldn’t you want to spend your evening in a dark room, laughing at brightly lit idiots? We had fun with the people who chose to carpe noctem.

When you’re on the road, the shows are only half the fun. The other half is finding something entertaining to tick away the moments that make up a dull day. An easy way to kill a couple hours is at a movie matinee. Been there. Or maybe walk the local mall. Done that. I chose to challenge myself…to test my limits…to take a bite out of the giant burrito of life. Enter: Mike’s Place in Kent, OH. Home of The Stuanator…


The Stuanator is a double-decker cheeseburger sub, with six 1/2 pound burger patties, two kinds of cheese, french fries and curly fries, along with the usual fixin’s. Only 11 people have attempted to finish this behemoth in the allotted 30 minutes. To the victor go the spoils of a free t-shirt, a free sandwich, and immortality…until you keel over from the coronary. Only 2 have succeeded. I’m a glutton for…gluttony, so I figured I’d give it a go. When I announced that I’d be attempting the Stuanator, I became a celebrity inside the restaurant. People were snapping shots of me with their camera phones. One lady asked me to sign her menu. I had no idea what I was in for…


This was no sandwich. It was a space station. I started strong, despite my opponent being fresh and hot. My pace was slowed once I realized the enormity of the task in front of me. Absolutely everything had to be finished, down to the last pickle, for the challenge to be complete. Despite the swell of inspiration from witnessing the Nathan’s Hot Dog contest a scant month ago, and the words of encouragment from random gawking patrons, I was outmatched by this Das Boot of a submarine sandwich. I could feel my extremities getting tingly, and my field of vision started to narrow…


I decided that discretion was the better part of valor, and I threw in the napkin. My eyes, and the sandwich for that matter, were bigger than my stomach. The owner, in his benevolence, gave me a free t-shirt for the attempt and they’re going to put my picture on the wall. May it serve as a warning to the next brave soul who might dare to plunge his fork into the heart of this Herculean hoagie. And no, I didn’t get a to-go box…


Yes, Mike’s Place now holds a special place in my heart…and colon. Keep an eye peeled in the weeks to come, the show Man Vs. Food on the Travel Channel will be making its way down to Mike’s in the Fall to try and tame this hulk of a hero.

More blog soon…

Super Happy Random Bonus Blog

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, energy, Gidget, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Taco Bell, Walter Cronkite

Hey there ‘Redheads… Since I’m bored at home on a Thursday night and July has so far been a desolate wasteland with a scant two installments, I figured why not make this week a two-fer. Lucky you. This installment is going to be more of a hodgepodge than usual, so strap in and let’s get this tangential train a rollin’…

I’m glad August is almost here, because that means we’re just weeks away from the NFL. I just signed up for my first of three fantasy football leagues, which has me more excited than any of the sports going on in reality at the moment. I am in sports hell right now…baseball, golf, tennis, soccer, and the WNBA. I flipped past a WNBA game earlier this evening. There was 5 minutes left in the third quarter and neither team had broken 50. In fact, the losing team only had 24. I’m no whiz at math, but 24 divided by 3 is 8. 8 points per quarter in a game where some shots are worth 3. I’ve seen fewer bricks at a construction site. I’m sure there’s a World of Warcraft basketball league that scores more off the court than these gals do on the court. Did I mention this blog might stink? Let’s move on…

Of course, the nation is mourning the loss of yet another television icon. Gidget, the Taco Bell chihuahua died of a stroke at the ripe old age of 15, which would make her 105 in dog years. I think she had a good run. She helped pave the way for other talking pitch animals, like that plucky Geico gecko. I’m not one to start wild rumors, but did anyone else find it kinda suspicious that Gidget kicked just days after Michael Vick got out? Just sayin’ is all… Gidget, just know that the chalupa that was dropped on the floor at every Taco Bell in the nation was for you. I just hope she gets her due and gets a spot on the In Memoriam segment of the Emmys. Put her right between Bea Arthur and Walter Cronkite. Speaking of the venerable Mr. Cronkite, seeing TMZ.com report Walter Cronkite’s death was like watching Dane Cook mug his way through a George Carlin routine on YouTube. Yech with a side of blech.

With the headline-grabbing deaths of Gidget and Walter Cronkite, I’m sure most of you missed the passing of another great man…

John S. Barry, an executive who masterminded the spread of WD-40, the petroleum-based lubricant and protectant created for the space program, into millions of American households, died on July 3 in the La Jolla neighborhood of San Diego. He was 84.

One thing is certain. When he is laid to rest, his casket won’t have squeaky hinges.

And now, these messages…

…and we’re back.

I was driving around DC the other day, and I found the American University of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. It was located at the end of a small tunnel.

Before I go, I want to get in one last plug for a kick ass show this Sunday at Union Jack’s in Bethesda. Will Hessler, Bey Wesley, Jimmy Meritt, Rob Maher, and yours truly as your host, spread the joy starting at 7:30. You spread the word starting now. This show is FREE. Click here for all the deets.

See you there…

Blocked

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in bbq, comedy, Grandma Lee, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, North Carolina

Hey there ‘Redheads… How in the blue hell is it two weeks deep into July already? I’ve been sitting here in front of a blank computer screen for the past two hours trying to angioplasty my way through some wicked writer’s blockage. As per usual, I’m way overdue for an update, so I want to deliver bloggage…something got lost in the translation, apparently. I was gonna write this yesterday, but I had a bit of a head cold and I decided to pop a Zyrtec, which put me in the black sleep of Kali Ma… But, boy howdy, do I have a twenty-piece box of nuggets for you, once I can pry the words from my brainbox. Ok, so let’s stop singing the procrastinational anthem and try to get this blog flume a flowin’.

Big thanks to the fine folks at LOL Comedy Club in Clayton, NC for a great weekend. I had the pleasure of working with Grandma Lee. Our Thursday night show was 24 hours removed from her appearance on America’s Got Talent… 75 years young, and she is a pistol. The clip makes it seem like she just tried comedy on a lark for the show, but she’s a 12 year vet of the stand-up scene. Grandma and I spent our days hitting a couple of the local bbq joints for some pulled pork and sweet tea goodness. Nothing quite like a pile of shredded meat on a plate. We ate lots. I think our favorite place was called Holt Lake. Not only was the food amazing, but their default drink on every table is sweet tea. Water? Pshaw. That’s right, come for the food…stay for the diabetes.

The shows were great, if somewhat lightly attended. I think our last show of the weekend was only witnessed by ten people, making it just shy of a rumor. It was a fun opportunity to get out of my rote and make my material more conversational. It ended up being a nice note to end on. While I was sitting at the bar, I was reading the list of upcoming comics at the club and their little bio blurbs. One of them included the phrase, “No nonsense comedy.” Well, then you’re probably not doing it right. Maybe completely fact-based comedy is the next big thing… Take my wife, for example…

I’m going to make an executive decision to cleave this installment in twain. I have a bunch of 4th of July tidbits to share, including the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, but that deserves a devoted installment to contain all the pomp…and I don’t have it in me to write it all out right now. A couple quick bits of randomness before the cleave…

Yesterday, I heard “How Do You Talk to an Angel” by The Heights on 94.7 FRESH FM, Today’s Fresh Music… Even if it was freeze dried and vacuum sealed, that song is about as fresh as a bowl of tuna salad that got left in a greenhouse.

In the wave of recent celebricide, one important figure has been lost in the shuffle. Our bologna no longer has a first name…

MADISON, Wis. – Oscar G. Mayer, retired chairman of the Wisconsin-based meat processing company that bears his name, has died at the age of 95.

Now THAT is a memorial service I’d like a ticket to…

To be continued…