Hello to my abandoned readers. My blogging muscles have atrophied from overuse of Twitter. All of my pithy blurbs are available to you on the right-hand side of the blog, by the way. I’m not even sure if I have much else to say, but I felt the need to put a fresh post on here. Let me update you on what’s happened in my world since last you strained your eyes and feigned interest…
I got married. That was pretty big. As I type this, my lovely wife is looking over the mass of pictures of the blessed event. We’re coming up on six months, so it’s about time we get albums made. Here’s one of the better ones…
Aren’t we adorable? Anyway, I’ll stop boring you with that so I can bore you with this: I ended up winning the Best Comedian in D.C. in the 2013 Washington City Paper Reader’s Poll. Thanks to everyone who voted. I won the fabulous blue widget, suitable for mounting on the right-hand side of the blog, and expectations I can never reach. Winning was a gift and a curse. Sure, it’s great to be validated after nearly 12 years doing stand-up, but I hate using it to promote myself because if it gets mentioned before I go on-stage, I feel like everyone is waiting for me to prove it to them. I like to keep everyone’s expectations super-low, then nimbly step over them. The cool thing about it was that was the first time that category was awarded, so I set the standard low for the next winner. Speaking of which, voting is open for the 2014 Washington City Paper Reader’s Poll, so please to click on the giant orange button on the right-hand side of the blog for all of your voting-for-me needs. Help make me the first two-time winner. I’ll be able to add “coincidental” to my list of potential adjectives. I’m at least as funny as I was last year.
I’m also waiting to hear back about another potential opportunity to beg for votes on a national level. I’m ready to take my pandering to the big time. We’ll see if it pans out. I’m not holding my breath, but I had a positive experience auditioning for a reality TV show. I’m just waiting for them to tell me whether or not I have talent. Stay tuned.
So, my goal is to hopefully put together an entry once a week for as long as either of us can stand it. In the meantime, go ahead and follow me on Twitter @FunnyJared. I’m at about 210 followers, which is okay until I realized that’s only 30 followers on Dog Twitter.
I promise the next installment will be slightly less self-centered. Maybe.
Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s cold outside. The kind of cold that makes people deny global warming because they’re personally freezing. Remember kids: Think Globally, Bitch Locally. I don’t even need to step outside to know it’s cold, because everyone on Facebook is instagramming pictures of their thermostats with captions like, “Wow, that’s cold!” Kind of an Ansel Adams by way of Topper Shutt. C’mon, people, show me, don’t tell me. Snap me a picture of a bobsled on the beltway or a penguin migration down Pennsylvania Ave. Your numbers are not interesting. Snow is in the forecast for Friday, which will no doubt send people screaming frantically to loot grocery stores for necessities, lest they never see the sun again. A word of advice for those of you who plan to ransack your local Harris Teeter for bread, milk, and toilet paper. If they’re out of toilet paper, just buy more bread. I’m not easily fazed by the idea of snow, since my gal left town for a business trip, I’ve been playing a ton of Skyrim, so 3 to 5 inches isn’t terribly impressive unless I’m absorbing the soul from a dragon husk.
This past weekend, I took my first comedy road gig of 2013 up to scenic Harrisburg for a slate of shows at the 2nd St. Comedy Club. I had the privilege of working with Caroline Rhea, who could not have been nicer. It’s rare when a big name headliner takes a genuine interest in the feature’s set and offers advice in a non-condescending (nondescending?) way. She was also very gracious to the 4 sold out crowds that came to see her, taking pictures with half the population of downtown Harrisburg… and me…
I also had another unexpected brush with celebrity. Apparently, Caroline met up with a friend who she hadn’t seen in 10 years who now lives in Harrisburg. That friend was none other than Terry Farrell, who played Dax on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine…
This sent a Trill down my spine…
While I was sitting in the downstairs lounge between shows, I took a moment to check out the pictures of some of the comedy greats they had adorning the walls. There was Steve Martin, Rodney Dangerfield, Bill Cosby, and there was this curious picture…
At first glance, it didn’t seem out of place. That’s Richard Pry…oh, wait. Yeah, whoever decorated their lounge thinks Smokey Robinson was hilarious. They probably think he was the star of Smokey and the Bandit. He did sing Tears of a Clown, so maybe that’s the connection. Either way, I’m sure none of the drunk Harrisburgers noticed.
Before I sign off, I’d like to call your attention to a couple things that are very me-centric. First, please VOTE FOR ME FOR BEST COMEDIAN IN DC in the CityPaper’s Best of DC 2013 Reader’s Poll. It was an honor just to nominate myself, really. Please feed my ego. It hungers.
Also, I’ve got a very cool show coming up on Feb. 2nd in the DC Improv Comedy Lounge with three hilarious friends of mine, Tim Miller, Rob Maher, and Jon Mumma. Do yourself a favor and get your tickets now.
Hey there, ‘Redheads… As you can see, the resolution to resurrect the blog is 1080p. As for content, a babbling stream of consciousness will do for now.
Andrea and I are looking at potential caterers online for our impending nuptials. As much as I enjoy eating food, reading about it is a bit tedious. To make things more interesting, I started reading fancy menu items out loud in the shrill Monty Python Old British Woman voice. BURMA!
I’ve got the 1960 version of Ocean’s Eleven on in the background while I’m typing. Despite having the Rat Pack in it, it’s not quite as slick as the remake. A bit more musical too. Also, I noticed that Mr. Roper from Three’s Company is in it. And Cesar Romero a.k.a. The Joker from the old Batman TV show too. He’s taller than I remember.
Spotted this walking through DC…
Better than seeing a Dead End sign in front of a funeral home, I guess…
Hello, ‘Redheads… It’s been too long. I apologize for my dormancy and I can only hope that you can find your way to pretend to care about my musings again. I realize those muscles have atrophied in the year and change of my negligence. It’s 2013, and with a brand new year I figured why not resolve to bring back the blog and give my imaginary fan base a chance to once again splash around in the refreshing waters of Lake Me. I’m going to be taking baby steps, so this installment will be to serve the main purpose of rehashing some of my pithier Facebook statuses as a half-assed year in review. I promise to provide fresher blog innards as we move forward… If we move forward.
Before I get to that, how about that ‘Skins/Seahawks game? The story of that game was downright Shakespearean. Two rookies carrying their teams to the playoffs. The ‘Skins started off quickly, gutting the vaunted Seahawks defense for two quick scores. Then the Seahawks managed to hobble RG3 and they began to creep back into the game. By halftime, the score was nearly even, with the momentum in Seattle’s corner. The legendary sports surgeon, Dr. James Andrews was on the Redskins sideline and I was hoping he’d be able to clap his hands together and pull a Mr. Miyagi on RG3’s knee. The final turd in the Redskins’ playoff punch bowl came when RG3 fumbled when he twisted his knee on a muffed snap. The Seahawks picked up the ball and scored on the ensuing possession. Kirk Cousins came in, but he just didn’t have the juice to bring Washington back. Fittingly, Seattle took a knee to end the game. I’ll be rooting for Seattle to beat Atlanta in the next round, so the NFC Championship game will hopefully be a rematch of the replacement ref debacle with the Green Bay Packers. If I can’t have Peyton Manning vs. the Colts, please let me have this.
Ok, as half-heartedly promised, the best of me (as judged by me) from 2012:
I’m trying to make more adult decisions, like going to the gym, but it’s hard to feel like an adult when I see Bullwinkle Moose in the sweat stain on my shirt post-workout…
Just had lunch at Five Guys… On my soda cup, one of the accolades reads, “Voted Best New Restaurant in Cincinnati”… I think that says more about Cincinnati… I’m confused by Paula Deen’s Diabetes diagnosis because I thought she WAS Diabetes, the buttery 5th horseman… Irony: Getting trapped inside your Ford Escape… Irony: Filling up your TiVo with episodes of Hoarders… I have a friend who’s a mystery writer, but to pay the bills, he works for a pharmaceutical company… He wrote a twist ending to the side effects on a bottle of Tylenol… “Wow… Violent diarrhea… I did not see that coming…” Someone asked me why there’s no Russia-themed casino in Vegas… I’m guessing the roulette… Here’s my idea for Fajardo, Puerto Rico’s new tourism slogan: Hey, who Fajardo? Encyclopedia Britannica has announced they will cease production of hard copies… Someone should update their Wikipedia page… Today, I’ll be getting a Spaceman Spiff t-shirt and a Muppets lunchbox… Age is relative and, right now, that relative just happens to be my 5-year old nephew… Someone at my show last weekend commented that my comedy was “top drawer”… I keep my underpants in the top drawer, so that’s a fairly accurate description… Now that Andrea and I are engaged, there are some serious decisions to make… I’ve been giving it a lot of thought… I think we’re going to register at SkyMall…
A friend of mine said he saw Kathleen Turner on Californication and that she “looked terrible”… I told him, she didn’t look terrible, she was just drawn that way… I wish I figured this out before I ordered my current batch of comedy business cards, but I know what I want on the next batch: Jared Stern, Antidepressant… Just got done with a Mother’s Day mini-bbq on the roof deck… As my parents were leaving, my mom said, “Thanks for having us.” No, Mom… Thanks for having me… A headline in the Washington Times reads “Woman Killed in Love Quadrangle”… So, that’s four people involved… I think I would’ve gone with “Love Rhombus” or “Para-love-ogram”… Maybe if two of the people were in a long distance relationship, it could be a “Love Rectangle”… North Carolina has voted to further amend their constitution to redefine Words With Friends as Words Between a Man and a Woman… Robin and Maurice Gibb are gone and Barry is living with the irony of the group’s biggest hit… The Department of Education has announced that all History textbooks will now contain the phrase, “Spoiler Alert”… Toyota has announced a recall for all Highlanders… Except one… I’ve run into so much road construction lately, it feels like Orange Cone Pride Week… I saw a big orange “END ROAD WORK” sign and assumed it was a protest sign… There’s a place in Bethesda called Stop Aging Now that offers “natural solutions” to halt the aging process… I can think of one natural way to stop aging and I’ll only charge half of what they’re asking, but I’m gonna need that money up front… Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are getting a divorce… That’s what happens when your storybook marriage is written by a crappy sci-fi author… So, we’re packing up the tent and the sleeping bags and other equipment, and I remarked to Andrea, “That’s a lot of stuff, honey”… She replied, “Well, we want to be comfortable”… THEN WHY ARE WE GOING CAMPING? Harrison Ford is 70 today… HE BELONGS IN A MUSEUM! When I get really bored, I like to go to the Hirshhorn museum, put an empty McDonald’s cup against the wall, then sit back and count how many people try to interpret it… I read a study that said mothers can pass on neuroses to their children… I have a friend who’s pregnant that’s claustrophobic… That kid must be going nuts… Man, it’s hot outside… I walked past the outdoor display over at Madame Tussauds… Abe Lincoln looked like he opened the Ark of the Covenant… Kids are growing up too fast these days… The other day, I saw a little girl doodling in a coloring book called 50 Shades of Crayola… It’s getting late and cut and paste carpal tunnel is starting to set in, so I’ll leave you with an audition video that my buddy Joe and I made for a food challenge show last year. Bon appetit…
Hey there, ‘Redheads… The internet is a strange wonderful cornucopia stuffed with all kinds crazy crap… That metaphor kind of lost steam there, but trust me, the guys operating the “Batshit Crazy Video” chute at the Internet Factory have churned out a glorious nugget of awesome. Enjoy…
I, for one, welcome our new Indian overlords. It’s like someone took Blue Man Group, Jackass, and the cast of Slumdog Millionaire, put them in the Street Fight match between Shane McMahon and Kurt Angle at the 2001 King of the Ring (google it). The sheer terror on the female judge’s face looks like she got a glimpse of the Ark of the Covenant. Speaking of which, the only thing that would’ve made this video better is if this happened at the end…
Hey there, ‘Redheads… I’ve got no good excuse for not updating this thing for five months. So, in order to reward you for your zen-like patience and to put an end to my zen-like neglect, here’s a meager entry to hopefully get me back in your good to mediocre graces and back into some kind of blogroove for the homestretch of 2011.
I hope everyone had a Thanksgiving that left you plump and docile, unable to defend yourself in case of a ravenous zombie or alien attack. Ever vigilant, people. After getting home from the live human taxidermy demonstration of a meal we had at my parents’ house, I thought my night of consumption was done. Then my girlfriend dragged me out of my tryptophan haze to go spectate the running of the bullshit. People waiting in line to crash through the doors of Best Buy or Target or Eddie’s Bail Bonds for all of the great Black Friday deals. She loves the pageantry. So, I was forced to put on pants and go root for a trampling.
I’d like to interrupt this blog for visual proof of how awesome my girlfriend is…As I’m sitting here, typing words for your (mostly my) amusement, my awesome girlfriend brought me this masterpiece. A leftover turkey and egg sandwich with hot sauce on Darth Vader toast cut into the shape of the Millennium Falcon. Yes, I’m five. Ok, back to the blog already in progress…
The sight was pretty insane as we approached Best Buy with t-minus 5 minutes left before someone answered the Geek Squad’s riddle and the gates magically opened. The line stretched for as far as the sleepy eye could see. We stood across the parking lot from the entrance with other eager gawkers, who were not from here apparently. They sang soccer cheers as they waited. I could just imagine what they must’ve been thinking as they looked at these people ready to run over their fellow man for every American’s God-given right, a bigger TV. It was probably, “Remember when we used to stand in lines like this for food? Or to be killed? Good times.” Or maybe it was, “In our country, door busts you!” Anyone remember when a doorbuster deal was just called looting?
As the midnight hour drew closer, and I was looking at these idiots who look like they arrived too late to be in Jerry Springer’s studio audience, I was struck by the words of Obi Wan Kenobi, “Who’s the more foolish, the fool or the fool who follows him?” America’s renewable energy = stupid. When the doors finally opened, we were crestfallen with how orderly everything went. Not even a simple shove. These were obviously not deals worth dying for. I wanted my money back, which I could’ve gotten with the coupon in the circular.
Hey there, ‘Redheads… Spring is over and Summer has arrived. The year is halfway over and it’s about this time I try to take stock of what I’ve accomplished so far. Well, thanks to my buddy, Chris White, I was able to accomplish something big right before the equinox. Last weekend, he recorded his new CD and I opened the show for him. Since he was gracious enough to have tape rolling during my set too, I ended up recording a new album as well. Not sure what to call it yet, but I’m hoping to have something consumable for my dozens of rabid fans soon. Ok, maybe not rabid. My slightly interested fans. Stay tuned.
The big news this week is the death of jackass of all trades, Ryan Dunn, perhaps best known for putting a toy car in his butt for our amusement. Jackass is one of my guilty pleasures. I used to pretend I was above it back in their heyday with MTV, but then my housemate sat me down and made me watch the movie and I sharted, I laughed so hard. It’s always a shock when a 34 year old is cut down in his prime, but considering his line of work, this one wasn’t that big a surprise. He got paid to reenact Wile E. Coyote cartoons with his friends. In our morbid heart of hearts, I think we all knew one of them was going to die young, but I just thought it would be on set. I guess the only thing shocking about this senseless tragedy is that it wasn’t more senseless. It was just a car wreck. A spectacular wreck, but I would’ve expected him to meet his end covered in peanut butter on a pair of rocket skates or something. There was a headline that ran on AOL today that read, “Ryan Dunn’s Cause of Death Confirmed.” That really took a medical examiner a day to figure that out? The only way this qualifies as news is if the coroner says, “Yeah, turns out it was complications from pneumonia.” And now comes news that the Westboro Baptist Church is going to picket the funeral. Good. This is the wrong group of mourners to fuck with. If they don’t get a septic tank full of angry bees dumped on them, I’ll be disappointed. Ryan, we hardly knew ye.
I’m getting back into mash-ups recently and I found two good ones for you to stick in your ear holes. You get videos too…
Hey there, ‘Redheads… Wow, two blogs in a row. Don’t get excited, I’m going to try to kick things back into the blogularity I spoiled you with for the first couple months of the year but, as usual, no promises. When I left you last night, the second half of Game 6 of the Mavs/Heat series was just getting started and it turns out all of the star wattage on the Heat burnt itself out. Here are some sample headlines I was hoping for in the Sports section this morning…
Heat Stroke The Agony of the Heat Mavs Take Talents to South Beach, Take Title Dry Heat Decision Made: Mavs Win
With the storyline that played out in the NBA, with the Cobra Kai of the league getting crane-kicked in the face, the schadenfreude is rampant among fans and analysts who were galled by LeBron and the pomp and circumstance of his “Decision” last summer. People are happy that the flashy superstars got taken down by the Johnny Punchclocks. Good triumphed over precieved evil. Roll end credits. Once hockey concludes, that interminable dead zone of sports will fall over the land. Normally, we’d have the happy distraction of off-season NFL speculation, but with the lockout, who knows how long we’ll have to suffer meaningless baseball and women’s soccer. What will fill the void? I’m hoping this catches on…
That’s Botaoshi, or Japanese Pole Toppling. Rugby meets Iron Chef meets a Walmart on Black Friday. And don’t act like you wouldn’t watch it, either. That’s the alchemy of ratings gold, my friends: the spirit of competition, the hint of controlled chaos, and flailing foreigners. Game on.
I was going to regale you with tales of my weekend gig in North Carolina, but my laptop crashed and I don’t feel like retyping it right now. So, maybe tomorrow. Just in case I don’t get back to the blog this week, I wanted to let you know about a great show on Saturday in the DC Improv Comedy Lounge. My buddy, Chris White is recording his new CD and I’ll be opening up the show and getting some stuff recorded too. Click here to get tickets and provide us with the necessary rousing live crowd atmosphere.
Hey there, ‘Redheads… I’m back from whatever arbitrary hiatus I imposed on myself. Thanks for pretending to care. I’m sitting on the couch, watching the Heat/Mavericks game. I’m not usually a big NBA guy, but it doesn’t take much to get me interested in a potential championship-clinching tilt. Besides, I’d be lying if I told you I haven’t gotten caught up in the manufactured villainy of the Miami Heat. LeBron took his talents to South Beach, now the heat are the Legion of Doom. It’s halftime right now and Dirk Nowitzki is apparently trying to rebuild the Berlin Wall with all of the bricks he’s putting up. I’ll give you my favorite stat in situations like this: Dirk has only made one more shot than me. If the Mavs end up winning, I want a ring. Y’know who else should get a ring? Ted Leonsis. There are three former Wizards on this Mavs team. Washington knows how to build a championship team, just not theirs.
I’m torn about who I want to win. It’s mostly a question of which NBA fossil I’d like to see win a championship before they retire. I always root for professional athletes who are older than I am. Juwon Howard was drafted when I graduated from high school. His defensive technique is mostly just yelling at the younger players to get off his lawn.
Just to see a Game 7, I’m rooting for the Heat to win this thing. Ok, back to game. I’ll have another blog tomorrow to recount my weekend getting laughed at. Again, thanks for pretending to care.
JARED STERN'S ONLINE COMEDY CUBICLE 