Category: Jared Stern

Unfinished Blogness

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Blogtober, comedy, costumes, Halloween, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Iron Man, Jared Stern

Hey there ‘Redheads… One of these blogs, I swear it won’t be necessary for me to apologize for my abject neglect. That blog is coming, but it ain’t this one… Sorry for the unacceptable lag in updates. Once again, it’s been proven that I can’t wait to procrastinate. Blogtober ended up with a downright paltry three entries, without a decent Halloween blog. Well, in an effort to snake out all of the backlogged blather, I give you a blog so bloated, so crammed to the gills, that it may too much for your eyes to handle in one sitting. You may need a bloggy bag. I’ve got enough stuff here to fill 3 or 4 installments. I’m of two minds as to how I should foist this upon you. Either I’ll give it to you in three heaping helpings over the week or I’ll combine all of it into a blog Devastator. We’ll see how quickly carpal tunnel sets in. Onward…

I hope everyone had a happy Monday. I’ve never understood why Mondays get such a bad rap. If your life is so crappy, that you cease to have fun once the week starts, maybe it’s not just time that isn’t your friend. I digress. This blog is about living in the then. Specifically, the then of roughly a week ago, Halloween. Like with everything else, I waited ’til the last minute and between plans and potential costume ideas, I was waffling more than the breakfast buffet at the Belgian Embassy. Luckily, my buddy Seth came through for me with a costume…

I was a glow-in-the-dork. Comic book fans will recognize me as the mechanized millionaire playboy, Tony Stark…if he were a nebbishy tub of goo. Once the costume was set, I needed a place to get my ‘ween on. If nothing materialized, I would’ve been more than happy with checking out a good zombie movie, like Zombieland or This Is It. Thankfully, since my friends haven’t tired of me just yet, I was allowed to tag along to a party in DC. I must admit, I thoroughly enjoyed hailing cabs with my light-up hand piece. We got to the party, which was being held in a one bedroom apartment…with a DJ. The place was packed, loud, and hot, three things that aren’t necessarily conducive to fun for me, since I’m a closet claustrophobic. I felt sorry for the people with large, unwieldy costume elements, like my buddy Joe, who went as Captain America, including the shield. Or my girlfriend, who went as an art gallery, which consisted of a sandwich board of two canvases…

The bulk of my evening was spent explaining either who I was or how my costume worked. The get up was much more impressive in the dark, but even then there were a bunch of people, mostly ladies, who had no clue. One gal, when I told her I was Iron Man, responded, “The race?” There was a surprising lack of dead celebrities in attendance. The only one I spotted was a David Carradine, in a Japanese robe and tasteful noose. There was no shortage of fellow crime fighters…

There was a small shortfall on dignity.

In the spirit of Halloween, such as it is on November 9th, here’s Sherman Helmsley (before he started calling plays for the Redskins) with a public service message…

My internet connection is being moody, so I’ll stop here and opt for the measured helpings throughout the week. Plenty more on the way. ‘Til then…

Two Fiddy

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Bentzen Ball, comedy, Comedy Zone, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Jim Zorn, Kentucky, poker, Redskins, west virginia

Hey there ‘Redheads… Welcome to this blog’s 250th installment. Any other blog of this kind would have about 3 times as many, but I’ve never been about the quantity…or the quality, now that I think about it. Here’s to 250 more chances to mildly amuse you. I’m altering my usual blogging habits for this post. Usually, I wait until about 11:30 or midnight to milk the blog teat, succumbing to eventual exhaustion as I type into the wee hours of the morning. Today, I’m fresh as a daisy and will have one less excuse when this blog barely passes for mediocre.

I’m back from a comedy road trip that took me to Comedy Zones in Kentucky and West Virginia. The hills had eyes and they were smiling in my general direction. This was my second time back to these two clubs, and the shows went better than the stereotypes of the region might suggest. I had the pleasure of working with two time New Orleans entertainer of the year, Mutzie. Mutzie is a cool guy with an interesting look to him that I can only describe by putting it in old school pro wrestling terms. Imagine if George “The Animal” Steele talked like Dusty Rhodes. I’m glad the shows went well, because the weather stunk out loud. I had a 7 1/2 hour drive on Thursday. I didn’t rain for about 15 minutes of the trip. I didn’t see the sun until my drive home on Sunday. The sky was a depressing blanket of clouds…an AIDS quilt of clouds for the entire weekend. In order to at least simulate sunlight, I decided to make a return trip to the Eastern Kentucky Science Center to check out the afternoon planetarium show. I’m sure you’re asking yourself what you might find at the Eastern Kentucky Science Center… Does it house Col. Sanders’ top secret 11 herbs and spices? Well, here’s one item on display…

Luckily, they also have a planetarium which, just like last time, I had all to myself. The program they had this time was about the Hubble. Nothing too fancy. It was like looking into a giant ViewMaster that’d been left in a hot car. Afterwards, I was treated to a complimentary laser light show set to some of today’s crappiest rock hits. I was kicking myself, because one of the choices I was offered was Laser Praise. If there’s one thing lasers have yet to fully convey, it’s irony.

Onward to the next exotic port of call, Charleston, West Virginia. When I got to the hotel, I made the discovery that there was a casino with a poker room about twenty minutes away. Let’s see… Idle time? Check. Extra cash? Check. Horrible judgement? Check. I’m not going to get into specifics, but I’ll throw a quick stat at you. My average per minute in the casino was -$4. From my hopeful entrance to my shameful exit, I lost $100 in 25 minutes. Actual poker table time was more like 5 minutes. I can’t even say I played horribly, because what I did doesn’t qualify as playing poker. I got played. I was a goddamn slot machine with a sweatshirt on. Rather than buy back in to try and win my dignity back, I sulked back to my car, went back to my hotel room, and watched a marathon of Bully Beatdown on MTV2.

As bad as I got beat, at least I could rest easy knowing that I had a sure bet that paid off on Sunday. Go ahead and check the last installment…I called the Chiefs over the Redskins. Two field goals against the worst defense in the league. This team is so inept at scoring, they can barely get in a 3-point stance. I expected to see Snyder fiddling while the fans burnt FedEx down. The Native Americans that are suing the team over the name can just site the last six games as exhibit A that the Redskins are offensive. I do feel bad for Jim Zorn. He’s like Wallace Hartley, bravely trying to make some music while the Titanic sinks into the drink. On Monday, he had his play calling duties forcibly stripped from him, and I’m pretty sure he had his credit revoked at Eastern Motors.

If you haven’t heard yet, there’s a huge comedy festival descending on the DC area this weekend. Tig Notaro and friends brings us The Bentzen Ball. 50 comics, from Patton Oswalt to Sarah Silverman to a cavalcade of local comedians. I’m not one of them. Don’t let my veiled bitterness keep you from checking it out.

To be continued…

Blogtoberfest

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Blogtober, Columbo, Columbus Day, comedy, Comedy Zone, domestic violence, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Iron Maiden, Jared Stern, PSA, Run to the Hills

Hey there ‘Redheads… Short turnaround from the last installment for a change. I wanted to bolster Blogtober and sneak in a quickie before my comedy road trip this weekend (details to follow). The mornings are starting to get chilly out there…good sleeping weather. The past couple mornings, willing myself out of bed has taken longer than Uma Thurman trying to wiggle her big toe in Kill Bill.

I hope everyone had a swell Columbus Day. I celebrated in the traditional way. By gambling, drinking firewater, and cranking Iron Maiden’s Run to the Hills… Sing along, won’t you?

Anyone else find it mildly ironic that most of DC wanted to run the Redskins out of town today? I could’ve sworn somebody was running a blanket drive down at Fed Ex Field. Grab a bucket of popcorn and watch the sky fall when they lose to the Chefs (great googily moogily) next week.

I feel like Columbus must’ve fired his PR firm, because he’s been getting a heap of bad press these last couple of years. The focus has shifted from sailing the ocean blue and discovering America to that whole decimation of the Indians thing. Some people have started referring to it as Indigenous People’s Day. Others choose to celebrate the life and work of Peter Falk.

Speaking of PR firms, I’d love to meet the team behind this PSA…

Thanks to comedy compadre, Andy Kline for this little gem. Apparently, this new spot was created to address the recent upswing in domestic violence in Memphis. Which begs the question, how annoying are families in Memphis? Maybe they should just make one to run during Blue’s Clues to let the kiddies know, “Don’t wanna die? Don’t cry.” Run one on Oxygen that tells the ladies, “Don’t want to be twitchin’? Quit yer bitchin’.” I’m also available for children’s parties, by the way…

In the last installment, my cinematic pick to click was the gruesome zomedy, Zombieland. It’s splatterrific. But, if an over-the-top gorefest isn’t your cup of bile, might I suggest having the bejeezus scared out of you by an understated demon possession. Go see Paranormal Activity. It’s in the same low-budget vein as The Blair Witch Project, but this one actually lives up to the hype. This flick is nightmare fuel. My only complaint was with the jerky camera work that this style of film making requires. Nothing like some nausea to go with your heart attack.

I’d like to announce that I’m still in the running for the Nobel Prize for Procrastination. Should hear from the committee any day now…

For those of you in the West Virginia area, I’ll be at the Comedy Zone in Charleston, WV this weekend. Always nice to see some friendly faces in the crowd. Click the link for tix and info.

See ya in a few…

Undead, Fundead…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Blogtober, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, illiterate, Jared Stern, R. Kelly, zombieland, zombies

Hey there ‘Redheads… The usual combination of sloth and procrastination has kept me from updating the blog in a timely fashion. September slipped by with only three lousy installments, but I’m hoping for a stout and hearty Blogtober. Much like Christmas takes over all of December, this month gets swallowed by the jack o’lantern’s maw of Halloween. If it’s dead, undead, or screaming its last breath, this is the time to indulge all of your morbid curiosities. If you’re still reading, you’ve probably noticed that the laughter was strangled out of this blog a couple sentences ago…

Among my favorite macabre mascots are zombies, which is why I give two severed thumbs up to Zombieland. Easily, the best zomedy since Shaun of the Dead and a great zombie movie period. It’ll eat your brain and slurp the marrow from your funny bone. From the driving opening credits set to Metallica’s “For Whom The Bell Tolls” to a brilliant homage to the greatest paranormal comedy ever made, this is the most fun you’ll have watching the world end. After the movie, I bumped into a couple people who thought it was a documentary…

When it comes to zombies, some people are divided on a key issue: shamblers or sprinters? Zombie purists prefer their undead to shuffle toward their prey with excruciating inevitability. The 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead gave us zombies that could full on sprint. It just depends how you want your brains eaten. I kind of prefer the shamblers, only because I’d like to think I could outrun a dead guy. I need to get back to the gym. Right now, the only way I break a sweat is if I freeze some then drop it on the floor. But I digress. One last cool zombie thing before I move on. Check this out…

Right now, that’s just a fan trailer for a book, but here’s hoping that George Lucas is looking to shake a few more nickels out of us soon. I’d buy that for a dollar.

You know who else is hoping that book gets made into a movie? R. Kelly…

R&B singer/songwriter R. Kelly revealed that despite his musical talents, he suffers from illiteracy and barely made it through grade school. The Grammy winner recently spoke at the Midwest Music Festival in Chicago, about the trials and tribulations of starting his career.

I guess that’s one less thing the “R” stands for. Now that I think about it, that probably explains why he shortened it to R. It might also explain the complex metaphor, “You remind me of my jeep.” Anybody else catch the curious word choice in that blurb? He “suffers” from illiteracy. Last time I checked, there wasn’t a book allergy. He can suffer from dyslexia, but outside of that I’m guessing it’s a raging case of stupid. If illiteracy was contagious, it would be impossible to diagnose it from WebMD.

Before I wrap things up, the DC area lost an icon today. Ben Ali, the man behind Ben’s Chili Bowl died at age 82 of congestive heart failure. I’ve enjoyed many a Ben’s half-smoke during this past baseball season. Most times, it was best part of the Nats games. Keep your eyes peeled for a Bill Cosby sighting. I’m sure he’ll be in town to pay his respects…and give a rambling eulogy. Ben, you’ll live on inside us all.

That’s all for now. My illiteracy is flaring up…

Me Olde

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in 5770, birthday, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Jay Leno, Jews, NFL, Pee Wee Herman, Redskins, Santana Moss

Hey there ‘Redheads… We’re on the back end of September, which seems like it’s only a week long. With time on an out of control rocket sled toward the future, I find myself reflecting on my life and a piece of it that I’ll never get back. That’s right, I just got done watching The Jay Leno Show. Wow, what a clunky pile of dreck that thing is. I realize it’s only in its second week, and it may still be looking for its comedy stride, but holy crap. It’s tough to find your stride with a charlie horse in one leg and polio in the other. His guest on tonight’s show was Pee Wee Herman. Nice to see Jay burnt through his celebrity Rolodex in the first week. They talked about when he got bit by the acting bug, and then he made Jay a salad. I wish I was kidding… I wish they were kidding… I almost euthanized my TV.

Speaking of finding your stride in the second week, howabout them Redskins, huh? They sputtered through another 60 minutes of football and narrowly beat the hapless Rams 9 to 7. And they were roundly booed by the home crowd. I can’t imagine why. It’s week two and your punter has more touchdowns than your starting running back. To the Redskins, the endzone is a mythical place, and the two members of the team that’ve crossed its magical threshold tell the tallest tales of the creatures that frolic there. I’m not one to boast about my athletic prowess but, through two weeks, I have comparable stats to Redskin wide receiver, Santana Moss. I only have 5 fewer catches, 41 fewer yards, the same number of touchdowns, and I haven’t fumbled. I’m expecting a contract offer from the team any time now. I’m no Cowboy fan either, but that monstrosity of a stadium that Jerry Jones built is pretty impressive. That place is so huge, the bathroom attendant is a Minotaur. After they lost to the Giants, I expected Jerry’s withered visage to show up on that massive jumbotron, give the thumbs down, and release the lions to eat Romo. By the way, Jerry Jones should never ever be in HD. He looks like he chose the wrong grail.

By the way, Happy 5770 to everybody. That’s right, Jews control show business and time travel. Wow, 5770…shit’s crazy. Anyone else think we’re way overdue for…

Keeping with the theme of lost time and wasted potential, it’s my birthday on Thursday. I’ll be 34…17 again…the 13th anniversary of my 21st birthday…the combined maturity of 17 two-year-olds. At some point this week, I’ll be plunging a candle into the blow hole of Fudgy the Whale. I’m not treating 34 like it’s old or anything. You’re only as old as you feel, so I’ve been 80 for a couple years now anyway. I got a small taste of life’s fragility earlier this week. I hit a bird with my car on my way to work. It just flew right out in front of me. What a way to start the morning. Just my luck. It didn’t have insurance and it didn’t speak English…

On the off chance any of you were thinking about buying me a birthday present, allow me to drop this subtle hint…

Huge show coming up this Saturday, in the DC Improv Comedy Lounge…

Jason Weems
Steve Coltrain
Doug Powell
Erin Jackson
…and me.

Even if you’re sick of me, this show is gonna be awesome. Miss it at your peril. Click here for tix.

To be continued…

Four… Score.

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Adam Dodd, comedy, fantasy football, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Kanye West, MTV, NFL, Redskins, VMAs

Hey there ‘Redheads… This introductory part of every installment, where I apologize for not blogging in awhile, then make a few witty self-deprecating statements designed to lower your expectations, while piquing your curiosity to read further… Yeah, I’m having some trouble with that. Let’s just take it as a given and move on, shall we? There’s alot to get to. Where to start? Didja see those VMA’s? Howabout that rabble rousing upstart, Kanye West ruining poor Taylor Swift’s big moment, huh? Wow, and then Beyonce graciously giving Taylor a chance to finish her acceptance speech. Oh, and howabout anybody still giving a shit about MTV? Really, people. Get a hold of yourselves. Arguing over who is more deserving of a video music award is kinda like arguing over who would be faster in a race, if they were both gerbils. It’s arbitrary and irrelevant. And it was probably staged anyway. If this incident proves anything, it’s that Kanye West doesn’t care about white people. I think my feelings can best be expressed in song…written and sung by Adam Dodd…

Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, on to stuff that matters… Like fantasy football. I went 2-2 over the weekend. My four fantasy teams had me crunching numbers like Rain Man on meth. Again, I won’t bore you with all the statistical minutiae, but the Minnesota Vicarious are going to be a hypothetical force to be virtually reckoned with this season, with a passing attack that includes Drew Brees, Randy Moss, Reggie Wayne, and Santonio Holmes. Just sayin‘…

In real NFL goings on, I’d like to thank Jake Delhomme for his 5 turnover performance on Sunday, because it gives me an excuse to trot out one of my favorite lines… *ahem* I’ve seen fewer balls thrown away in a dog neutering facility. And scene. Howabout those Redskins, huh? That offense is a garbage fire. If you go into halftime and your punter has scored your only touchdown, I think it’s time to stop basing your game plan on a previous night’s bar bet. The defense didn’t do much better. I’ve heard of the bend-but-don’t-break defense, but this squad did the kind of bending that is usual reserved for Cirque du Soleil. It’s a long season, and this was just the first game, but the ‘Skins appear to have more holes than the Penthouse Invitational golf tournament.

The inevitable zombie uprising got a little more rhythm, as we lost Patrick Swayze yesterday. He finally got put in a corner by pancreatic cancer. Of course, he’ll be remembered for his iconic roles in Dirty Dancing, Ghost, Road House, Red Dawn, and Point Break, but I’ll always remember him for this little number…


Swayze, we hardly knew ye…

For those of you who give a crap and are curious about this installment’s title, today (or yesterday now) marks this blog’s 4th anniversary. I started this exercise in self importance shortly after moving in to Stately Stern Manor. Thanks for reading…and for not impeaching me.

To be continued…

To the Nines…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, fantasy football, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Lorenzo Lamas, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s 9/09/09 (at least it was when I started writing this), a once in a hundred years event. So, I figure why not write a blog that is just as mediocre as the last hundred? Somehow, it got to be September already, when I’m pretty sure it was June a couple weeks ago. Right on cue, after Labor Day, a shroud of gloom has swept across the land. It’s cold and gray and downright dismal outside. Allow this beacon of mild amusement to be a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. I just bought new ribbons for my 1000 monkeys’ typewriters…time to rattle their cage.

For me, these last couple days have been consumed with circumventing reality. I’ve had four fantasy football drafts in the last week, and I’m itching to let the stats fly on the delusional gridiron. I won’t bore you with in-depth analysis, I’ll just share my favorite of my four team names…The Minnesota Vicarious. I’m just happy that the NFL is back in all of its grass stained glory. I’ve had enough of tennis and soccer and baseball. Let’s kickoff and hit something.

I’m also pretty excited because I found evidence to disprove gravity…

Someone give this guy a mascot contract…or a ninja outfit. And let me take this time to emphasize that the videos I slap on this blog are to enhance the overall blog experience. Watch them. Just a public service message, because I think alot of you just skim and leave the links and videos alone. They’re eye candy for you to suck on. Just saying is all…

Speaking of sour eye candy, while channel surfing the other day, I landed on the SyFy opus, Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus. The movie had some pretty innovative concepts, like using a cardboard stand-up of Lorenzo Lamas for all of his scenes. If Lamas was any more wooden, they could’ve used him for kindling. I know the economy is tight, but they’ve gotta find some way of bumping up these SyFy effects budgets. I’ve seen better visual effects on a Lite Brite. I could’ve concocted more compelling action sequences with a flip camera, a Jaws poster, and a wacky wall walker. It did offer one pretty cool visual, though…

Enough with the bad acting. I present to you a genuine adorable 3-year-old who has it all figured out. She has taken the phenomena of Facebook and Twitter and distilled them to their essence with a song…

That’s pretty much what it is. We are all 3-year-olds clamoring for attention without really knowing why.

Quick reminder: I’m opening for God’s Pottery @ DC9 on Sunday, the 13th. I’m hoping to see some friendly faces out there, because DC9 is primarily a music venue. Music crowds don’t know how to behave when stand-up hits the stage. I need you guys to keep those chattering hipsters in line. Click here for tix and info. See you there…

To be continued…

Everlasting Blogstopper

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Chris White, comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Indian Head, Jared Stern, North Carolina, video

Hey there ‘Redheads… Blogust is just about over and, once again, I’m just about overdue. But, since we had a clog in the blog supply lines, there’s been a build-up of content…a bountiful corny-copia of anecdotes and witticisms await you. Sound the feasting horn. I’m just getting back to the grind after six straight days of shows and roughly 1300 miles driven.

I’ll get to that timeline in a bit, but first let’s wind the clock back 10 days to tell you about the show I did in Indian Head, MD with my good buddy, Chris White. I don’t know if you realize this, but Indian Head is a place of great historical significance. Maybe you read the book when you were a kid. Indian Head is where the sidewalk ends. There wasn’t much out there, except for the building excitement for the comedy cluster bomb we were about to drop.
We descended upon the Black Box Theater armed with good intentions and middling expectations. The place seated 85. We drew 23, elevating the show to rumor status. Those in attendance saw the premiere of our latest video sketch, which, if you’ll dim the lights at your desk, I’ll now show you. Enjoy The International Guilt-Off…

Please to make us viral. Or at least bacterial. Make it worth a handi-wipe.

On to my week-long mild amusement tour of North Carolina. My trip was kicked off by my truck’s air conditioning compressor going kablooey, costing me roughly what I’d be making for the week. Good thing I don’t do this for the money…oh wait. With the repair done just in time for me to make the initial 6 hour schlep, I made my way to the first stop, Lake Norman. The show was above a fun little Irish pub called The Galway Hooker. Located directly across the street was a pole dancing school. There’s a recital I want to attend. I peeked in the window to take a gander…very clean mirrors. We had a surprisingly packed house for a Tuesday night. Good times. After the show, I got to talking to one of the hostesses at the bar downstairs. The conversation turned to future plans and she mentioned that her dream was to be an underwater welder. Add a midget playing bocce ball, and that would be an actual dream I once had. Apparently, underwater welding is a highly paid vocation. Probably because they know how to light a torch underwater. It makes me wish I had pursued that underwater basket weaving degree…to have a skill to fall back on.

Wednesday was a night off from the slate of shows, but I still wanted to be comedically productive. Luckily, my buddy John Betz Jr. lives in Raleigh and was able to to get me on a showcase he was headlining at Charlie Goodnight’s. When I got to Raleigh, I had some time to kill before meeting John at the club. Turns out, Goodnight’s is a stone’s throw from NC State, so I figured why not take a stroll through campus and see just how tough it is for a 33 year old to blend in. It’s back to school time, so there was a huge outdoor poster sale going on for the disaffected youth to adorn their dorms. I took a look at the selection. They were the same goddamn posters they sold when I was in college 12 years ago. Reservoir Dogs, Scarface, Pulp Fiction…don’t these kids have any cultural references of their own that’re worth slapping on a wall? After about a half hour of walking around in the heat, my ass crack became more of an ass creek, so I retreated to the car for an much needed blast of air conditioning. I scanned through the local radio stations and landed on a gospel station. They went to their station meteorologist for a weather report. I half expected him to say, “Whatever happens, it’s God’s will. Back to you.” It finally came time for the show, which was an open mic all stars show. A collection of the club’s finest regular local comics…and me. If you’ve never had the pleasure, do yourself a favor and get down to Goodnight’s. The Wednesday showcase was sold out and the crowd was amazing. Can’t wait to get back there.

After basking in the warm glow of Raleigh, it was off to Greenville for a show at the Comedy Zone. I’m a big fan of any place where you perform in the same location as your accommodations. It makes it easier to stumble to bed without risking injury. Good thing, because in Greenville I was introduced to sweet tea vodka. Holy crap, could I get into alot of trouble with that stuff. Not since somebody gave a baby a hand grenade has a combination been so dangerous. My one complaint about this trip through NC was the lack of sweet tea guzzling. The last time, with all the sweet tea I drank, I brought home a great souvenir of the trip…diabetes. The show went ok. A bit too much slack-jawed gawkery for my taste, but they can’t all be winners.

The rest of the trip went great. I’ve exhausted all the major tidbits, and I’m a smidge exhausted myself. Before I finish up, I’d like to unabashedly plug a few local shows I have coming up…

Friday, Aug. 28th – I’ll be making my return to the late night Bar Bacon Fun Time Comedy Show up in Baltimore. The line-up is pretty stacked… Andy Kline, Hampton Yount, Aparna Nacherla, and possibly Dr. Doom…you heard me.

Saturday, Aug. 29th –

Sept. 13th – I’ll be opening up for the musical comedy duo, God’s Pottery, at DC9…more info to come, but mark your calendars accordingly.

To be continued…

Blog #243

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Chris White, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Indian Head, Jared Stern

Hey there ‘Redheads… This installment is going to be a placeholder for a bigger blog that’ll get written this weekend and will include the debut of a brand new video sketch collaboration with comedy super friend, Chris White. Be sure to check out our previous work, conveniently linked on the right-hand side of the page. In the meantime, I’m going to go ahead and whore this space out to plug a big show on Saturday…

See you there…

And here with all of the aftershow afterglow…

I Is, Therefore I Am…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Danny Rouhier, Facebook, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, John Hughes, status

Hey there, ‘Redheads… It’s Friday, it’s Blogust, and I’m bored at work. So, why not wring some self-importance out of the spongy mass that does my thinking for me? This installment is a string of my favorite status updates from Facebook over the last month or so… I know, try to control yourselves. Some of these actually meet this blog’s standards of mild amusement. After you get done, I promise to have a couple videos and pictures to make up for that time you’ll never get back. So, put on your water wings, strap on your goggles, and take a dip in Lake Me…

Jared Stern started the day with toast… It may well be all downhill from here…

Jared Stern hopes Twitter gets back online, so I can resume not giving a shit…

Jared Stern bought the audio book for the Yellow Pages… Turns out, I really can listen to Morgan Freeman read the phone book…

Jared Stern is going to hit Rock Bottom tonight… The bar, not the figurative personal abyss…

Jared Stern thinks Victoria’s Secret should help the ladies during the economic slide and come out with a Financial Support Bra…

Jared Stern would like very much for the person who has my voodoo doll to stop with the poking… Thanks.

Jared Stern found out that today is National Tequila Day… Which makes tomorrow National Day of Regret…

Jared Stern heard some pundit say that health care reform could be Obama’s Waterloo, and now I have the chorus of that goddamn ABBA song stuck in my head…

Jared Stern suffers from Occasional Fatigue Syndrome…

Jared Stern came very close to committing seppuku with a golf pencil at trivia tonight, but our team roared back to win and dishonor was averted…

Jared Stern can’t get no statusfaction…

Jared Stern is drifting off into the black sleep of Kali Ma known as Zyrtec…

Jared Stern gained superhuman quickness when I realized my car might’ve been towed… Luckily, it wasn’t… Back to sloth mode…

Jared Stern forgot to read the instructions before I went to bed… My mattress has the sleep number of the beast…

Jared Stern isn’t sure… I’m either wishing I was asleep or dreaming that I’m awake…

See, that wasn’t so bad, now was it?

A note to all of you hacks out there who insist on doing a Bill Cosby impression in your act, and think all it takes is mentioning a pudding pop. This is how it’s done…

That’s comedy buddy, Danny Rouhier on the radio with Joe Robinson and Mike Aronin. Note that aside from a question addressed to him, there is no mention of Jell-O pudding in the 4+ minutes of spot-on Cosby. He could host Picture Pages with that impression. So, unless you’re that good, maybe it’s time to drop Coz from the repertoire…and ixnay on the Ocidile-cray Unter-hay, while you’re at it.

Add another clip to the In Memoriam montage at this year’s Oscars… Director John Hughes died of a heart attack yesterday while on a walk in New York. Walking. The silent killer. Like everyone else in my age bracket, his movies were an integral part of our teen angst-riddled 80’s upbringing. Weird Science and Ferris Beuller’s Day Off are two of my personal favorites. Mr. Hughes, we won’t…forget about you…

To be continued…