Category: Jared Stern

TMI

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, poker, vegas

Hey there ‘Redheads… Happy Tax Day. Any of you guys and gals partaking in the unfortunately named protest of “teabagging” your elected officials?

I’d love for the leader of the protest to be a guy who goes by “Hot Carl”. Holy crap, it’s been awhile since I fired up the blog and written anything halfway interestingish. In this era of immediate access to even the most mundane information, this blog is getting left behind like a fat kid in a 5K. I’d like to draw a line in the sand and say that I never have, nor will I ever, tweet. Let me get this straight, a website that does the same thing Facebook does…without any of the cool stuff that Facebook does. I don’t know if Billy Mays could sell that. I’m actually in the process of developing a new social networking site that focuses on the size and frequency of your friends’ bowel movements, called Shitter. People will be able to follow your regular flow with farts. In the interest of full disclosure, I should let you know that I’m not at 100% as I type this. I’m allergic to something that turns my lungs into a goo farm. This morning, I coughed up something so green, if a banjo was handy, it would’ve sang Rainbow Connection. But, I’m soldiering on, so I don’t neglect you any further.

So, the big happening in the last of these blog-free weeks is my trip to Vegas. I got a rare chance to go on the cheap. Just had to pay for the flight, since I was tagging along with my funny little honey, who was going for a business convention. We stayed at The Venetian, which is easily the nicest place I’ve stayed in Vegas. It helps the ranking that I wasn’t sharing the room with 4 sweaty comics this time around. I’ll take my funny little honey over Jay Hastings any day of the week and twice on Sunday. The room was opulent. You could actually say, “I’m going upstairs to bed.” There were 3 flat screen tvs, two in the main room and one in the bathroom. The curtains were on a remote control. We were nestled comfortably in luxury’s cushy lap. Like any of my previous trips to Sin City, my goal was to get the most bang for my gambling buck. That meant tournament poker and lots of it. My week of poking went reasonably well. I cashed in one tourney, which pretty much paid for the couple others I got ousted from before the money. I took 5th at Caesar’s, by far my favorite place on the strip to play…mostly because I’ve cashed there twice. Here’s the major highlight of the tournament for me, then I’ll move on. I was at a full table of ten players, first to act, blinds at 200/400. I got dealt Q-10 offsuit. I call. A guy five players down from me attempts to raise 1000 on top, but he string bets, which means he didn’t push all of his raise in at once. This isn’t allowed, so he only ended up raising 600 to 1000 total. I was going to fold to his original raise, but I figured another 600 wasn’t that big a deal and I called. The flop came out Q-Q-10. Can’t do much better than flopping the full house. There’s no way he has anything than can beat me. In poker parlance, we call this “the nuts”. I checked and let him bet into me. He obliges and pushes all in. I don’t think he got the “in” out before I called. He flips over aces. I break the bad news. Technically, if another ace hit, he would’ve hit a better full house, but that didn’t happen and I was Scrooge McDuck swimmin’ in chips. I think I would’ve had an aneurysm if I folded that hand and saw that flop hit.

I already felt like a winner before I did any gambling. When we landed on Tuesday morning, one of my missions was to find a pair of pants that I could wear to my funny little honey’s fancy business dinner. We hit the mall inside The Venetian, hoping to find a deal. We struck gold with Banana Republic, who was discounting their already on-sale items another 20%. I’m not a big clothes shopper, but even I knew this was pretty sweet. I got a sweater for $7, a nice t-shirt for $7, and a roomy pair of pants for $15. The cash register should’ve had a slot crank on it.

One of the things I love about Vegas is that it embodies the scramble for fame on any level. It reminds me of the joke where the guy shoveling elephant crap in the circus is asked why not quit and he responds, “And quit show business?” There are some truly talented people in Vegas who are busting their humps in front of gawking slack-jawed tourists, hoping for that big break. In The Venetian, for example, they offer gondola rides through their fake Venice. The gondoliers are trained opera singers, who serenade you while they paddle. So here’s a guy who has honed his craft for years and now he’s dressed like he belongs on a jar of Ragu while he ferries people who’s only experience with opera is seeing Elmer Fudd sing Kill Da Wabbit. I also encountered a small troupe of actors while I was killing time before a poker tourney, who were singing That’s Amore to a smattering of confused onlookers in the mall.

I know I’ve always dreamt of one day playing in front of the Banana Republic. I can just imagine the pitch they got… The good news is you’ll be playing in front of a standing room only crowd in Vegas… The bad news is…here’s the outfit.

So, I came to a realization in Vegas. I will never understand the Tao of WOOO!! Allow me to explain. We got to Vegas during the week, so the casinos and nightclubs were relatively quiet for the bulk of our stay. Then Friday hit. Then a Fantasia broomstick army of popped collar douchebags and scantily clad gals who couldn’t get past the table read for Girls Gone Wild lined up outside the nightclubs to get ready to put on Date Rape: The Musical. Their primary means of expression was, “WOOOOO!!” Oh, and, “VEGAS BABY!!” (as a sidenote, I think there’s legislation in the works to make it legal to punch someone in the throat if they shout that within 10 feet of you on the strip) I don’t get it. I’m old.

Here are a couple other random Vegas pix…



A good time was had by all. More coming soon. ‘Til then…

199

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in allergies, brackets, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, NCAA, Terps, Zyrtec

Hey there, ‘Redheads… How was your collective weekend? If you filled out an NCAA bracket, part of your weekend was spent spitting expletives at a television. It all started out so well. I was perfect for the day games on day one. Then, I lost two upset picks by one point each and one of my Sweet 16 teams went down. On day two, the bottom dropped out when the ACC collectively shit the bed, including Wake Forest, who I had in my championship game, fuck you very much. So, ka-flooey, my brackets went up in smoke. With my brackets busted, my hopes then rested on my Terps, who had a nice win in the first round with 2 seed Memphis in their way in round two. And wow, did we get clobbered. The Terps got so thoroughly stomped, the school is considering changing the school logo to a Memphis sneaker print. We got Memphisted. They shot something like 70% in the first half. They were shooting golf balls into a 55 gallon drum and we were firing proton torpedoes into a two meter vent shaft. Not only did we get outgunned, but we were completely outsized. The Memphis players were cartoonishly huge…it was like we were up against the alien team from Space Jam. It was a miracle that we only lost by 19. Too bad that had to be the deflating end to an otherwise great season. Back to the brackets, aside from my Wake Forest prediction, my other three picks are still kickin’. I stand by my pick for Syracuse to win the whole thing…until they get bounced next weekend.

So, I’m coming to grips with the harsh truth that I have allergies. To what, I have no idea, but nature seems to have it out for my lungs. So, rather than cough between every other breath, I have turned to the healing power of Zyrtec. It takes a unique approach to tackling allergies. It makes you so drowsy, you forget to be allergic. You just stumble around in an arid haze.

In reference to the blog’s title, this is the 199th post. So, the next one will be a Super Double-Deluxe 200th Post Spectacular…or something. I have nothing in particular planned, but expect alot of padding with clips from previous blogs.

‘Til then…

Maddening

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Baltimore Comedy Factory, brackets, comedy, DC Improv, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, NCAA, St. Patrick's Day

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Greetings from beyond the flowing rivers of green beer and vomit. I hope everyone had a Happy St. Viviana’s Day…never heard of it? That’s probably because I just made it up. She’s the patron saint against hangovers and headaches…so, who better to name the day after St. Patrick’s Day for? I’d like to nominate someone else for patron sainthood (can a Jew do that?). I think Jack Bauer should be the patron saint of badasses. I watched Jack kill a man, then start up a truck with the same bloody screwdriver. Somebody call Vince from the ShamWow and SlapChop commercials, because I’ve got a feeling the StabStart is gonna be bigger than the Snuggie. By the way, if the blog seems mintier than usual, it’s because this blogging session is being fueled by Girl Scout Thin Mints. That’s right, Thin Mints, making poops smell like altoids since 1980.

So, I should break a small bit of crappy comedy news to you. You may remember in an earlier installment, when I was touting an upcoming feature spot at the DC Improv. Yeah, well…turns out I’ve been bumped from that stratosphere back down to earthly hosting duties. The headliner is bringing his own guy to feature. No worries, though…it’ll still be a fun slate of sold-out shows…just less of me. Me concentrate. So, come check out less of me May 14-17 with Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross. Click the link for tix and info.

And thanks to everyone who came out to the shows at the Baltimore Comedy Factory last weekend. Apparently, people that I don’t know either read the blog or stalk me on Facebook, because plenty of printed out coupons with my name on them showed up and I didn’t recognize any of the drunken masses as they filed past me and ignored my attempts to sell CDs. So, here’s to my supposed fan base.

Congrats to my Terps for squeaking their way into the big dance. They kick off what’ll hopefully be a deep run in the tourney on Thursday. Here’s the thing with having them in the tourney…I have to try to fill out my brackets without seeming disloyal. If they play up to their potential, they can beat anyone in the country, so it might be easy to justify a national title run, but I have to bet with my head instead of my heart. I’d love to see a UMD/Morgan St. rematch in the championship game, but that’s just not gonna happen. The 2009 brackets might as well be pinned on a dart board this year. Any one of about ten teams could conceivably win it all. Once the games tip off, I fully expect my brackets to collapse like a game of Jenga in the Parkinson’s ward. Heck, this year the tourney could be won by Stone Cold Steve Austin, who will be playing Syracuse 5 on 1…he gets a steel chair, of course. And this year, President Obama has filled out a Baracket. I think he picked UNC to win it all. As a country, we better hope they do because I think he bet the bailout money on it.

In case you care, here’s my Final Four prediction:


MIDWEST REGION: WAKE FOREST
WEST REGION: MEMPHIS
EAST REGION: PITT
SOUTH REGION: SYRACUSE
CHAMPIONSHIP GAME: WAKE vs. SYRACUSE
NCAA CHAMPION: SYRACUSE


Book it. Let the games begin.

Addendum

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in abortion, Baltimore Comedy Factory, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, sports names, turtle soup

Hey there ‘Redheads… I was thinking that the last blog installment was self-absorbed and self-important. What’s that? ALL of the installments are self-absorbed and self-important? Well, in any case, I was so wrapped up in the flour tortilla of my impending business (pronounced “busy-ness”), that I neglected a few dollops of random guacamole. So, here’s a super happy bonus installment…enjoy.

Apparently, March 10th was National Day of Appreciation for Abortion Providers. What, you might ask, is an appropriate gift for National Day of Appreciation for Abortion Providers? Well, I have no idea, but I did come up with a couple inappropriate gifts…
–A simple bouquet…of wire hangers
–A plate of scrambled eggs
–A Cabbage Patch Kid…with a gift receipt

I caught part of the World Baseball Classic, and by “part”, I mean one play out of the the corner of my eye on a tv in my periphery while I was screaming at the Terps on the tv directly in front of me. Anyway, I believe it was America vs. Canadia (you heard me). One of the U.S. players’ last name was Putz. I want that jersey. It got me to thinking about my favorite sports names…in no particular order:
1. D’Brickashaw Ferguson
2. Nook Logan
3. Miroslav Satan
4. Radek Bonk
5. Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje
6. Sarunas Jasikevicius (yes-you-kaveshus)
7. God Shammgod

I ate turtle soup for the first time on Saturday night. It joins the list of other exotic animals I’ve consumed: alligator (in omelet form), shark (in fried nugget form), and human (I bit my lip). The turtle soup was delicious…the flavor was slow and steady. My one regret was that it wasn’t served in the shell. C’mon, the turtle is the only animal that has a natural bowl (nod to Jerry Thomas).

Ok, that’s enough random crap. Back to me. Remember, if you enjoy the blog, you should extrapolate that to liking me and check out my Facebook fan page. Declare your undying…like. Also, starting Thursday night, I’m kicking off another can’t-miss fun weekend at one of my favorite clubs, the Baltimore Comedy Factory. And if you don’t enjoy sobriety, then have I got a deal for you: See me, drink free. Just print out this handy-dandy coupon to pickle you, whilst I tickle you…

See you in Charm City.

To be continued…

Fast Forward

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Baltimore Comedy Factory, comedy, DC Improv, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern

Hey there ‘Redheads… I hope everyone has adjusted to the quantum leap forward into a dystopian future where our economy has crumbled. If only we had that one hour back, you would be able to…read this earlier. Well, get your heads straight, people. The next couple of months, the calendar is going to turn into a flip book. My apologies to whoever’s job it is to govern the laws of space and time. Whenever I have things to look forward to, they approach at warp speed. I’m just saying, if you have stuff to do between now and June, you should get your ducks in a row. In two weeks, I’m going back to Vegas…in time for the Final Four. And when I get back, I kick off eight straight weeks of comedy work…including a week at the DC Improv, May 14-17, featuring for Jeff Ross. And the night before that, I’m going to the Spinal Tap Unwigged & Unplugged concert at the Warner Theater. Check your watches…it might already be April. Confused? Maybe this can clear things up…

Before my 1.21 gigawatt expectations accidentally leave me stranded two months from now, waiting for anyone who gives a goddamn to catch up with me, let’s focus on the present and not too distant past.

First, for the ‘Redheads in Charm City… I’m back at the Baltimore Comedy Factory this weekend. Three nights, seven shows, and zero dollars for drinks. Because I’m funnier when I’m blurry around the edges, I’m offering a bailout from your senses…DRINKS ARE ON ME. Just print out this handy dandy coupon…


Baltimore has always been beddy beddy good to me, so I’m looking forward to a fun time up I-95.

Speaking of fun times in a northerly direction, I had a blast up at the Lake Ontario Playhouse to finish off February. It was a last minute gig, and I’m glad it luckily fell in my lap. Big thanks to the great staff up there and the cool folks in the town of Sacket’s Harbor, NY. I drove up there with Marc Unger, who was nice enough to bring me along. The place was right out of a Stephen King rough draft…quaint, but with slightly foreboding undertones. If the walls bled, I wouldn’tve been completely shocked. The playhouse itself is a former military dance hall from the 40’s that was converted into a comedy club. Very cool place…it had a Cheers vibe to it. Can’t wait to go back in the summer.

We got back to town just in time for it to snow nine inches. Barely a week later, it’s sunny and 70. This isn’t me. My ego can only warp time. If you’d like to feed my ravenous need for constant validation, I suggest you check out my Facebook Fan Page.

I wish I could affect the play of my Terps, who managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory over the weekend. Nothing is ever easy with this team…they dangle a glimmer of hope in front of us, then clang our hearts off the front end of the rim as the buzzer sounds. Mix enough metaphors for ya? Here’s hoping Gary Williams can wring every bit of talent juice from the ShamWow he uses to dry off with after every game. It’s be nice to fill out an NCAA bracket with a local team in it.

Ok. It’s late and I’m rambling. To be continued…

Great Expectorations

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Maryland, Sketchup

Hey there ‘Redheads… Greetings from inside a NyQuil-induced haze. Oy vey, these last couple days have stunk out loud. I’ve been a sniffly, sneezing, coughing basketcase. I’m currently enjoying a particularly long streak of breaths without my lungs seizing up, so I wanted to sneak in one last blog before February finally fritters away. A couple quick things to hit before a chorus of codine-winged angels sing me softly to sleep.

Big thanks to the DC Improv for having me judge the UMD round of their District’s Funniest College contest. It was nice to see my alma mater bare its comedic chops, clamp down on a packed house, and rip it apart. The comedy scene on the campus has evolved since I was asked to leave. When I first got there as a freshman, there was only one comedy outlet on campus, the resident improv troupe, Erasable Inc. After a couple years of trying and failing to join their ranks, a group of disgruntled cast-offs (myself included) formed a new comedy group, the sketch comedy group, Sketchup. Well, that same circle of bitter jealousy has spawned a new group that was tired of being kicked around, The Bureau…which in turn, pissed off another bunch of upstarts enough to take the collected chips on their shoulders and form another group, called Off The Wall. All of these groups now regularly rumble like the news teams in Anchorman. This new atmosphere of competition has made the wit pool on campus olympic-size. Representatives from each group, and a few folks that I’m sure feel snubbed in some way by them, all rocked the mic…very few awkward lulls in the proceedings. Go Terps. Speaking of which, it’s nice to see the men’s basketball team scrap their way back into the NCAA tourney conversation. The UNC win and hanging tough with Duke has given fans like myself a glimmer of realistic hope this season…keep hope alive. One sweet moment from the Duke game I would like to share. Watch as Duke’s Nolan Smith hits the white brick wall known as Dave Neal…

Keeps getting funnier every time I see it.

By the time most of you read this, I’ll be on the road to a gig in upstate NY at the Lake Ontario Playhouse. If any of you loyal ‘Redheads find yourselves in Sacket’s Harbor, NY this weekend, come check out the show. This is my first real comedy road trip of 2009, so I’m looking forward to being nostalgic about it in the next installment. My apologies if that last sentence ripped a hole in the fabric of time.

Like what you’ve been reading? Care to declare your…like? Oscillate on over to my Facebook fan page and be my fan. Let me into the parking garage of your heart…validate me.

To be continued…

Blockage

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in American Idol, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Tatiana Del Toro

Hey there, ‘Redheads… My brain is a giant cramp right now, but I wanted to get an installment in this week, so February doesn’t stagnate completely. They say the easiest way to gnaw through writer’s block is to just keep typing, so let’s see if I can pour some dran-o through my headpipes and clear out the wad of hair that’s clogging the idea chute. Maybe TV is finally rotting my brain. I’ve been watching more than usual, since I gained access to a TiVo. And not the good kind of TV…nothing of any intrinsic value, absent of decent writing or compelling characters. I’ve been mainlining cheaply produced reality TV, and I don’t even have the commercials that allow me to flip channels to find something even slightly better or more shiny. I have grown to love the beep-boop sound of commercials being blipped away. Unfortunately, it concentrates the crap you’re watching into its most corrosive form.

Recently, the crap du jour has been American Idol. Thousands of mildly talented fame-grabbers has been whittled down to 36, and now they’re crooning their little hearts out, lest their dreams be squashed on national television. I caught the singing round on Tuesday night, mostly to check out one particular contestant. She carries with her the pressure of potentially having one of the most epic on-screen meltdowns in television history…and we’re all rooting for her. Her name is Tatiana Del Toro, and she is the poster girl for delusions of grandeur (the poster is HUGE). Since we were introduced to her in the early audition rounds of the show, it seemed pretty clear that this girl was a natural for reality TV because she already assumed that her life was being taped for the world to see. Her big break could be around the next corner, so she dare never break character. But here’s the thing: she’s not horrible. Not like previous Idol punchlines like William Hung. The judges have kept her around…not solely on the basis of talent, but also because they think it’ll make for compelling TV when she snaps. She’s been a blubbery mess every time an inkling of failure has popped up. Imagine their surprise when she sang on live TV and a) didn’t suck and b) held herself together. They were agape. They were ready to put on their fake creeped out faces. Instead, they stammered through an actual critique of her singing. Paula even marvelled, “You’re supposed to be crazy, right?” Paula had been looking forward all week to seeming lucid by comparison to this girl. This is where the judges and the producers of the show screwed up. You have to let batshit crazy flow naturally. You can’t try and force it. You can’t create the monster, then get pissed because it figured out how to sing “Puttin’ On The Ritz.” Short of dumping a bucket of pig’s blood on the girl, there’s nothing they can do to make her unravel. I didn’t catch tonight’s results, but I didn’t see her name on the list of people who made the cut. If the producers got their wish, she ended up like this…

Wishing for the breakage of a young woman’s paper mache psyche, awaiting the candy shower of train wreck television is a bit morbid. Here’s something that’ll make you laugh those evil thoughts away…

Keeps getting funnier every time I see it.

Speaking of crushing hopes and drowning dreams, I’ll be judging one of the preliminary rounds of the DC Improv’s District’s Funniest College Competition at my alma mater, the University of Maryland on Friday night. I’ll have a full…ok, half-assed recap in the next installment.

‘Til then, keep your ass on the couch and keep reaching for the remote…

All Natural

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in A-Rod, comedy, drugs, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Michael Phelps, tshirthell.com

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Before I start this installment, I’d like to state, for the record, that I have never used performance enhancing drugs…and it shows. That seems to be the prevailing news of the day…athletes and drugs. A-Rod just admitted to using steroids. Does baseball have any big name players who don’t moonlight at hypodermic pin cushions? Next thing you know, these guys will get popped for juicing…


And then, there’s Michael Phelps, who I think has been treated unfairly in this whole bong brouhaha. First of all, the picture was snapped FOUR YEARS ago. It wasn’t like he hopped out of the pool in Beijing and lit up off the Olympic flame. He was at a party in 2004 and some putz snapped a picture, not realizing what he had until he was making room on a memory card. And the picture doesn’t prove anything…

He’s either toking a bong or…in a jug band. Either way, I suppose sanctions are in order. I just can’t believe he got dropped by Kellogg’s…the company that MAKES Pop Tarts. C’mon, Kellogg’s…you want him on that wall…you NEED him on that wall. Know your audience. Your loss is Funyons gain, is all I’m saying.

With the economy being as crappy as it is, a lot of stores are closing their doors. One of my favorite purveyors of ribald t-shirts is shuttering for good. Do yourself a favor and check out the evil goods over at TShirtHell.com before it’s returns to the darkness from whence it came. Here’s a small sample of what you’ll find…

Get ’em while the getting is good.

Speaking of t-shirts, I’ve cobbled together a string of comedy gigs for the 2nd quarter of the year that could almost pass for a tour schedule. Feel free to slap these on the merchandise of your choice:

April 10 & 11 @ Magooby’s Joke House in Baltimore, MD
April TBA @ the Comedy Factory in Baltimore, MD
May 8 & 9 @ the Comedy Zone in Harrisburg, PA
May 14 – 17 @ the DC Improv (opening for JEFF ROSS)
May 21 – 23 @ the Funny Farm in Youngstown, OH
May 29 & 30 @ the Comedy Zone in Greensboro, NC
June 5 & 6 @ the Comedy Zone in Charleston, WV
June 11 & 12 @ Cozzy’s in Newport News, VA
Mark your calendars. Go to Jared.

If you’re on Facebook, you’ve no doubt been deluged by these lists of 25 things that everyone has been posting. Twenty-five little tidbits that I never thought were interesting enough to ask about in the first place are now encroaching on my valuable wasted time. Hey, I’m trying to tell people abut me over here! It’s like I’m in the Clockwork Orange chair, eyes pinned open, while my friends and mild acquaintances explain why strained peaches are emotionally significant and why they hate the smell of old people. I love how these lists seem to have jumped the shark after a week of shelf life. My favorite mockery of the list came from my buddy, Mauricio, who wrote 25 lines of, “All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.” Kudos, sir. You’ll be glad to know that I’ve got 25 problems, but a list ain’t one. If you’re going to waste your time reading pointless crap about somebody, make it this crap…about me.

Some of you are wondering aloud, “Whatever happened to the classics?” Asked and answered…

I smell best seller…oh, and BRAINS!!

To be continued…

Cold Hearted

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in club, comedy, heat, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Khan, vent

Hey there ‘Redheads… This one is just a quickie to vent a little and take care of a few odds and ends. Let me start with the good news. I got my truck back. It’s fixed and shiny and all that other good stuff. One of the pluses of having it stolen and repaired is the spiffy scrub job that it got. And believe me, it was dirty when they found it…it didn’t just feel dirty because it had been stolen. I don’t remember if I told you guys or not, but the perp took it four wheeling. It looked like a Jackson Pollock during his mud and shit phase. I keep going back, in my head, to the scene in Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, when the parking attendant went joy riding in the Ferrari. Other than the mud bath, there wasn’t much other major damage to it. Just a busted window and a popped ignition. Steps are being taken to ensure that it stays in my possession. For starters, I’m getting a club. I’m also looking into the cost of hiring a ninja or other sundry henchpeople to beat potential car thieves about the head, neck, and chest with the club. Times are tough, and henching is an easy way to earn some extra income.

And now, the bad news. When I got home in my shiny car, I discovered that the heating system in my apartment took a shit…again. So, after spending a bunch to repair it, it looks like I’m going to have to replace it barely a month later. Good thing revenge is a dish best served cold. Revenge and gazpacho. So, yeah…it sucks bunches.

Speaking of bad news, and revenge, the world lost yet another pop culture icon with the passing of Ricardo Montalban. Sure, he’ll be remembered for Fantasy Island but, for scads of dorks around the world, he will always be Khan. He and Shatner chew more scenery than a swarm of termites on the Warner Bros. back lot. Here’s a sample…

Ricardo, may your place in heaven be clad in fine Corinthian leather. Quienes mas macho? Nobody.

In the last installment, I mentioned that I test drove some new material, but I neglected to actually include the joke. Here ya go…

I think that selling hair color called Touch of Gray is like selling condoms called Smidge of Herpes.

Also, please remember to check out my fan page on Facebook and pledge you digital devotion to me…you can find a handy dandy link on the top right-hand side of the blog. I’ll warm myself with the faint glow of the screen.

To be continued…

Fanuary

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Baltimore Comedy Factory, Cardinals, comedy, Facebook, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, plastics, Wiseacres

Hey there ‘Redheads… How’s your year been so far? We’re roughly two weeks in and I must say, mine is doing well to keep my low expectations and false hopes alive. The last installment was a quick one, so I’ve got about six pounds of crap to cram into this five pound bag of bunk. First, you may have noted the title. Why not kick off ’09 with some patented (pending) ’08 stunt blogging that’s past it’s sell-by date? Consider this a pledge drive of sorts. Since MySpace has become the light rock on the social network radio dial, I figured I’d start to dig my heels in over on Facebook. Take a gander over at the right-hand side of the blog and you’ll see the link to my Facebook fan page (where it says BECOME A ‘REDHEAD). Click on it and pledge your digital devotion in my general direction.

Big thanks to Charm City and the crackerjack staff at the Baltimore Comedy Factory for yet another great weekend on their stage. We had some fun shows, despite a couple being lightly attended. Our first show on Saturday night fell victim to the juggernaut of the NFL Playoffs…specifically, the Ravens game. All of Baltimore was glued to a bar stool in front a flat screen tv, mainlining beer and chicken wings, while the Ravens plucked out the eyes of the Titans. There was about 25 people at the show…most of them Steelers fans. We still had fun. I was pretty psyched, because I test drove some brand new material all weekend and it’s a keeper. Speaking of the playoffs, I’m pretty sure if the Cardinals go to the SuperBowl, the seismic force of every football fan in America simultaneously smacking themselves in the forehead, will cause a tsunami that will swallow Tampa Bay. So…Go Eagles.

We’ll be right back after this brief message…

…and we’re back. The economy is rough, so I figured I’d sell commercial time on the blog. I’m also leasing out my left nostril to that family in the Mucinex ad. Tough times.

I would be remiss, if I didn’t mention the recent sinking of the good ship Wiseacres. They closed their doors pretty much right after the ball dropped. After getting my feet wet up in Baltimore, my formative comedy years were spent on the Wiseacres stage. I recorded my comedy cd there. It’s a big loss for the area comedy scene. It was the only regular weekly open mic held at an actual comedy club. When your primary goal is to eventually get work at a comedy club, there’s no better feedback you can get than from a comedy club crowd. Plus, it was a great place to hang out with your brothers and sisters in arms and shoot the shit in a Cheers meets Mos Eisley atmosphere…a wretched hive of scum and villainy where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you came. Hopefully, the hole it leaves will eventually get plugged.

Does everyone have their plans for the big inaugural festivities? This city is about to get swarmed with hope and smothered by idealism. They’re projecting 4 million people will show up in DC…4 million people who don’t know their way around. And I’m going to be right in the thick of the clusterfuckery (look it up). I finagled tickets to the Black Tie & Boots Inaugural Ball put on by the Texas State Society. Anyone know where I can find a pair a of cowboy boots and a bola tie?

To be continued…