Category: Jared Stern

MeTube

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Chris White, comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Transformers, video, X-Wing

Hey there ‘Redheads… Once again, time is flying. For me, that’s pretty much literal. I recently became the owner of a flying alarm clock. Because I hit the snooze button so much, it filed a restraining order against me (hey, it fell, ok?). It’s a pretty nifty little bit battery powered gadgetry. A little whirligig rests on top of the base. When the alarm goes off, it launches the whirligig into the air, and it continues to blare red alert klaxons until it is returned to the base. You’d think this would be a pretty effective way to drag me out of bed, but most of my dreams take place on the bridge of the Enterprise during the Kobayashi Maru scenario…so, it kinda blends in (do not try that reference at home…professional dork on a closed course). Speaking of dreams, I’ve got some great little video comedy tidbits for you. Some brand new productions from me and Chris White and a couple pieces of random goofy crap that I claim no responsibility for. Let’s dim the lights and get to the retinal recreation…

GAME ON
TRICK OR TREAT

Jeez, I’m a shitty actor. Good thing no one will see this… If you’ll remember, in the last installment, I hipped you to a group of aerospace engineers who built a functioning X-Wing. Well, they launched the sucker last weekend. Here’s what went down…

It went down…in flames. A crushing blow to the rebellion.

If you’re like me, you enjoyed the recent blockbuster, Transformers. But maybe you didn’t like it enough to buy it on DVD today. Here’s something to quench your thirst for something more than meets the eye…

Vector Sigma.

To be continued…

Stuff For Ye

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, Die Hard, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, mash-up, random, video, X-Wing

Hey there ‘Redheads… With September in the rear-view mirror, we’re motoring through the happy town of Blogtober. Population: You. Try not to muck the place up too much while you’re here. This is why we can’t have nice things. Speaking of driving, my Jeep hit 90,000 miles today. It’s a mixed bag when your car reaches a milestone like that. On the one hand, it’s pretty cool watching the odometer flip to zeros. On the other hand, I’ve driven 90,000 miles and where the fuck am I? Makes ya think…and who wants that?
I have a bunch of random stuff for you this time out…some cool audio, some funny video, and a couple other nuggets to help pad this installment…shove some tangerines in its training bra.

Let’s start with the audio. You might remember awhile back, I tried to play mama bird and regurgitate some iPod food into your chirping beaks. Well, I found some kick ass new mash-ups for you to jam in your ear holes. Eat, ya jackals…

WHOLE LOTTA SABBATH (Led Zepplin vs. Black Sabbath)
THUNDER BUSTERS (AC/DC vs. Ray Parker Jr.)
HALLOWED BE THEY ENEMY (Iron Maiden vs. Public Enemy)
METALLICA GOES TO PUNJAB (Metallica vs. Punjabi MC)

Ok, now the video. I forget where I found this, but I got a kick out of it, so I figured I’d pass it on to you guys. If you’re a die hard fan of…well, Die Hard, you’ll get a chuckle from this little ditty…

And now, some of the afore mentioned nuggetude… ATTENTION GEEKS!! Check this shit out…


A group of aerospace engineers in California have constructed a scale model of an X-Wing that actually flies. Here’s an excerpt from their website:

It is over 21′ long, with a wingspan of over 19′ – “We opted to use a cluster of four motors to emulate the “real” X-wing, and positioned the motors in the wing pods. The real challenge was to make the wings move in flight, from “attack” position to “landing” position. Late additions to the project included making R2D2 turn via radio & make sounds.

If I have to tell you how cool that is, then I don’t know if we can be friends anymore… The X-Wing takes flight on October 6th…and will make a flippin’ sweet YouTube video when in crashes shortly thereafter…

One more thing before I go. Your comedy homework this weekend is to go see Jake Johanssen at the DC Improv. My good friends John Garrett and Chris White are opening for him. Three gawky white guys. A parade of pasty. Luckily, they’re damn funny. Go. Laugh.

To be continued…

…And I Smell Like One Too

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in birthday, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Marcel Marceau, renaissance festival, Renn Fest

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Mustering up the motivation and finding worthwhile crap for this blog has been a tough task this month, but I’ve scrounged up some random things and dug deep in my couch cushions to bring you something that can quell your ADD for a couple minutes. Now if I can just keep mine at bay long enough to write the damn thing…so many shiny objects. Let’s start with this…I’m older. That’s right gang, I just turned 32. Thanks to everyone who sent along birthday wishes (and thanks to MySpace for the helpful nudging). I’ll be accepting gifts and pieces of cake shoved into envelopes here at Stately Stern Manor. I don’t ask for much on my birthday since I turned 30. Just to be in the company of good friends within two days of the birth date and that someone besides my family acknowledge it on some level…and cake. Gifts are never refused, but I haven’t actually wanted anything specific since high school. I’m pretty easy to shop for, though…

Luckily, 32 isn’t one of those birthdays that makes you feel like the guy who chose the wrong grail in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, but it is always nice to escape thoughts of impending oblivion, and what better way than to go back in time? The most reasonable facsimile, that doesn’t require slingshotting my Jeep around the Sun, is the Maryland Renaissance Festival. As per my aforementioned birthday specs, I went with my good friends Chris, Allyson, Becca, an Meagan. When I go to the Renn Fest, I go with a game plan: turkey leg for breakfast, chowder in a bread bowl for lunch, see a couple shows, throw a couple axes, guzzle a tankard of ale, and enjoy the parade of costumed freaks, dorks, and rednecks. We got there a little later than I like to, but I made a bee line for the turkey leg booth to get the day started right.

Mr Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the marrow center of a turkey leg? *CHOMP* The world may never know…

Nothing like gnawing on a roasted animal appendage to roll back the age odometer. A fun time was had by all. Things were going great until the end of the day, when I was reminded just how old I was. We were down by the castle wall rock climbing, watching Allyson dangle and sway on her safety line. The 16 year-old who was manning the station was trying to engage us in some playful renaissance banter. When one of his jokes fell flat, he actually said, “Jk”. He text talked to us…or talxted. I could feel liver spots bursting on my hands. I can understand saving time typing, but are those extra syllables really keeping you from living your life? Back in my day, we actually used whole words. I came to the conclusion that I could make a killing by opening a comedy club and calling it LOL.

I’ll leave you with some congratulations and one bit of sad news. First, a belated congrats to some of my fellow joke throwers who’ve scored some big time exposure. You may’ve seen comedy dynamo, Justin Schlegel, on your TV on Sundays as you refill your nacho cheese tub and watch your fantasy football studs snap their knee tendons. He’s starring in a series of commercials for Toyota. Here’s hoping he gets a set of floor mats.
Be sure to lock your radio dials to 98Rock after 7pm to hear the nasal dulcet tones of Joe Robinson’s new show, Irresponsible Radio. He’s on his way to becoming the King of Dundalk Media.
On to the sad news. A moment of silence for the loss of famed mime, Marcel Marceau. He had the only speaking part in Mel Brooks’ Silent Movie. His last words were…unexpected. Does anyone else find it mildly ironic that his final resting place will be in a box? The answers, my friend, are walking against the wind.

To be continued…

Late and Untitled

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, ginormous, HBO Comedy Festival, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Rosh Hashanah, ziddio.com

Hey there ‘Redheads… Once again, I’ve neglected you. And, once again, I apologize. And, yes, it’ll probably happen again. It’s nearly two weeks deep into September and a couple things worth noting have happened in and around my immediate vicinity.
First of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Time flies by so quick, you blink your eyes and *poof* it’s 5768. Man, 5768…shit’s crazy. Yes, apparently Jews as a people feel so much guilt about the past, that we’ve bent time and space to escape our many neuroses. We’ve built a time machine that runs on a mother’s disappointment. We can travel to the far reaches of the 4th dimension, but we never call…we never write.
Second, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! This blog is officially two years old. It’s going to start throwing tantrums if you don’t start paying more attention to it. Usually, when this digital doodle pad hits some sort of arbitrary milestone, I make a bunch of self-important calculations and self-congratulations. Not this time. I’ve been delinquent too long to cop-out and give you some half-assed clipblog. I’d rather use my whole ass and give you something worth a couple seconds of your diverted attention.
Third, a couple of overdue somber acknowledgements. The final curtain was drawn on operatic great, Luciano Pavarotti. Let’s all wish his pallbearers a speedy recovery. So, the comedy world’s go-to reference for fat guy jokes in the 80’s and 90’s is now gone. Time to update. Might I suggest Aretha Franklin?

She has some pipes…she ate a church organ.

Speaking of which, the fat lady gave a rousing rendition of “Give My Regards to an Indifferent Audience” at Soho Tea & Coffee. The impressive four-year run of the open mic came to a close a couple weeks ago. I was one of the proud few who played the violin while the ship slowly sank into the ocean of lattes and blank stares. Chris White and Larry Poon gave rousing performances to end the evening. Big thanks to Paul Schorsch for keeping the stage going for as long as it did. Soho, we hardly knew ye.

Portait of a crappy set…

Ok, so because this is a space designated for my random thoughts, I figured I’d try to sketch out one of the bits I tried out that night. It has met with varying levels of success, but I haven’t found the right pacing or phrasing to get it where it deserves to be. So please enjoy as I slap together a skeletal structure for this bit. Any feedback is welcome and encouraged…and away we go…

We’ve gotten lazy. Language and communication is a vast natural resource, but the guy in charge of running the filter has fallen asleep. Allow me to explain. I was thumbing through the dictionary the other day (play along) and I came across the word inconspicuous, which is ironic by itself, but that’s not where I’m going. The definition for inconspicuous was…not conspicuous. Gee, thanks for clearing that up, Webster. Chances are, if I’m looking up inconspicuous, I’m not stuck on what in means…get off your stack of phonebooks and define something. Pure laziness. I blame the internet. When I was a kid, and I wanted to find out more about a word or topic, I would go to the library to find a reference book related to that word or topic. Now, kids just go online and find…porn related to that word or topic. And now they’re just adding words to the dictionary willy nilly. Jiggy is in the dictionary. I’m pretty sure Will Smith doesn’t know what jiggy means. I’m starting to realize why immigrants don’t want to learn the goddamn language. It’s getting embarrassing. They just put “ginormous” in the dictionary. If you use “ginormous”, then you are a 12-16 year old girl or you just tried to describe that picture of Aretha Franklin (I use a different tag on stage, but this is a family blog…or something). Ginormous is a combination of “giant” and “enormous”, and it, of course, means big. Here’s my major issue. The dictionary is for people who don’t know the meaning of a word…and for people who need to steady a wobbly table. If you take a look at “ginormous” and can’t immediately glean its meaning, then you don’t need a dictionary…you need a helmet and a t-shirt that says, I Hug Too Hard…spit out that Mattel toy you’ve been sucking on. If the dictionary insists on including these hip, trendy, combo words to cater to the lol generation, I’d like to suggest another combo word to help balance things out… Fucktard. Allow me to break this one down for you. It’s a combination of “fucking” and “retard” and it is primarily used to describe people who use the word “ginormous”. Use it in a sentence? I thought you’d never ask. I can’t believe some fucktard put ginormous in the dictionary.

So, what’cha think?

One last thing before I go. Three of my bestest comedy pals, Chris White, Erin Jackson, and Mike Storck have made it to the semis of the Lucky 21 contest for the HBO Comedy Festival. In order for them to advance, they need your votes. Chris has put together a short video to explain the process…

Vote away!!

To be continued…hopefully before October…

Drafty

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Banana's, comedy, cute, fantasy football, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, New Jersey

Hey there ‘Redheads… Wow, another month has flown past. September is on the horizon, and with it, some nice little nuggets of fun. None of those nuggets are comedy work, unfortunately. I appear to have shot my wad in the first 3 quarters of the year. My next 3 months is so thin, it makes Nichole Richie look like…less of a pregnant skeleton. I’m gettin’ desperate…

This week marks my second year here at Stately Stern Manor. I moved in right around when Katrina hit. I still have yet to host an official housewarming party. At this point, it’d be a house re-heating party. When I finally get around to it, you’re all invited…bring a bundt cake. Speaking of parties, there’s another one on the way. I turn 32 on Sept. 24th. At the very least, a candle will be stuck in the blowhole of a Fudgy the Whale. I have pretty high expectations for this year, though, as I’ve discovered that I share my birthday with a couple people that can stand to be around me…so, perhaps a mega-party can be arranged.

Of course, the big deal in September is the start of football season and with it, fantasy football season. This year, I’m playing in a league with a bunch of other comics, including a couple local favorites, Mike Shader and Kelly Terranova. We had our draft earlier this evening…I’m pretty happy with my team. The draft went as expected…except the yuck-a-puck with the first pick came out of left field and drafted Drew Brees. Here is your starting line-up for Team 2007…Shit’s Crazy:
QB: The Golden Boy, Tom Brady (NE)
RB: Rudi Johnson (CIN)
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew (JAX)
WR: Reggie Wayne (IND)
WR: Donte Stallworth (NE)
TE: Vernon Davis (SF)
K: Josh Brown (SEA)
DEF: New England
Yes, it’s very Patriot-heavy, but you can’t go far wrong riding that horse. The season can’t start soon enough. Let’s play some imaginary pigskin.

Before I go any further, I would be remiss if I did not thank the entire staff at Banana’s Comedy Club in Hasbrouck Heights, NJ for a great weekend. It started off slow as the ride up to the club was stretched out by a jack-knifed tanker truck that turned the last 4 miles of my drive into a 2+ hour crawl. Anyone who’s been to Jersey knows it has a distinct bouquet. I made the mistake of having my windows rolled down as I hit the meat of the turnpike. I think I singed my eyebrows. I was reminded of this classic scene from Kentucky Fried Movie…

…cracks me up every time.

On the way home, I stopped off in Philly to engage in my new favorite pastime, playing with my impossibly cute nephew, Mo. Brace yourself for the ensuing adorability…



Just when you think he’s reached the plateau of cute, BAM, he hits a new high. Buy stock in this kid’s dimples…it’s fiscally responsible…send the money to me.

To be continued…

The Thrill, the Agony, and the Indifference…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Michael Vick, movie idea, trivia

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s been awhile, but let’s just assume the apology is implied and move on…ever forward. Breaking news on this Monday, the 20th as Mike Vick has plead guilty and now faces a bit of jail time. Here now are some of the hack Mike Vick jokes that you have to look forward to for the next 2 to 5 years…

He was known for being a quarterback in the NFL, but in jail he’ll be a tight end…
He got in trouble for killing dogs, now he’s going to be someone’s bitch…
When white folks kill a dog, they pay a vet to do it…they also drive cars and talk differently.

…aaaaaaand scene. Enough of that. When last I got around to filling this space, I was gearing up for a couple of contests. When it comes to comedy competitions, the world is my oyster…and boy, do I shuck. No win, place, or show. I’m over it now, but I was a smidge bummed after my performance at the HBO Comedy Fest contest at the DC Improv. I was flattered to be there at all, but I was hoping I could back up the selection with a solid outing. The set started out well but, somewhere in my 8 minutes, I lost the crowd. They stopped reacting with laughter and gave me more of an “oh, isn’t that cute” reaction. Those who saw it say it wasn’t anything to be ashamed of but, in my head, I might as well have been chowing down on a turd hoagie during the last half of my set. My mettle got smelted and I got frazzled, so there goes my latest attempt to get free HBO. A big congratulations to Chris White and Erin Jackson, who got picked to represent DC in the regionals.

I had to quench my thirst for winnable competition…I was parched. Luckily, I was able to find an arena where I could flex my brain meat and come out on top. Trivia. I went with some friends to compete in some team bar trivia at Solly’s on U St. In round one, our team, Made in China, tied for third. Respectable, but I wanted to do some neck stepping. Round two saw us take the top spot (we tied for first) and with it a bottle of red wine…the fermented grapes of victory. Here are some of the more impressive answers I was able to scoop out of my skull…

Q: In Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet, what are the ten syllables that follow “Wherefore art thou, Romeo”?
A: De-ny thy fa-ther and re-fuse thy name.

Q: In Beverly Hills Cop, what were the names of the two detectives who assist Axel Foley?
A: Taggart and Rosewood.

Q: In 1938, Roy Plunkett accidentally discovered this chemical compound with an extremely low coefficient of friction. Its scientific name is polytetrafluoroethylene. What is it more commonly known as?
A: Teflon.

I am smart. S-M-R-T.

And I’m an idea guy too. I came up with the next great disaster/action movie. In the not so distant future, an eccentric billionaire coverts a decommissioned aircraft carrier into the first floating sports arena. He somehow gets the SuperBowl in there. Mayhem ensues. Die Hard meets Titanic meets Rudy. It’ll be a can’t-miss-adrenaline-fueled-thrill-ride.

If you’re around northern New Jersey this weekend, come check me out at Banana’s. Should be fun. There’s very little on the line, so I shouldn’t tank.

To be continued…

Play the Music, Light the Lights

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Baltimore Comedy Factory, comedy, DC Improv, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Welcome to, you guessed it, Blogust. Like all of the previous months with “blog” crammed into the name, I’ll continue to churn out the usual mediocre fare and try to dress it up so you think I’m doing something special for you…and fool myself into thinking you give a goddamn either way…
Tomorrow starts a nice string of shows this week, including two contests. Two separate chances to have my soul subjectively stepped on. Let the games begin.

Wednesday, I throw my hat into the comedy marathon that is the Funniest Person in Baltimore contest. I call it a marathon not because of its length, but because once it’s done I usually have chapped nipples and I’ve been beaten by a Kenyan. I’m usually lucky if I’m the funniest person in my apartment, so this’ll be a fun five minutes. I always relish the chance to play the Comedy Factory and, speaking of relish, there’s a Five Guys about a block away…I’m already a winner.

I won’t have long to lick my wounds, because on Thursday I head to the DC Improv to butt heads with seven of DC’s finest. The winner representing DC in Vegas at the HBO Comedy Festival Lucky 21 Showcase. I’m up against Rob Maher, Joe Robinson, Erin Jackson, Chris White, Seaton Smith, Randolph T, and Jon Mumma…I’m usually a gambling man, but don’t bet on “Jew” in this one. I’m just happy to be included. I cannot recommend this show enough. Sure, it’s a local showcase and you can see most of the participants for free on a given night, but rarely do you get an Ocean’s Eleven line-up like this altogether on one show. You will laugh lots. Click the link for tix and info…

Hopefully, I have some ego left for the weekend, when I skip town to play one of my favorite little clubs, Cozzy’s in Newport News, VA. It’s a fun joint, the staff is great, and they ply their audiences with jello shots before each show…what could possibly go wrong?

I should mention a couple comedy comings and goings on the local scene. There’s been a mass exodus from DC to NY. Too many names to mention, but I wish you all well…if you should need a key grip or best boy on your movie or TV show, please keep me in mind. There are a couple folks that’re taking a slightly longer trip. On Wednesday, there’ll be a send-off at Wiseacre’s for house MC, Brian McClure. He’s being shipped off to Iraq. Apparently, he’s bombed here so many times, our military considers his comedy weapons-grade. Please join me in wishing him a hasty and safe return. Also, a belated bon voyage to Jim Elliott. Jim moved to Dublin, where Guinness runs out of the faucets. He has a MUCH better travel agent than Brian. Jim, may your time in Dublin be magically delicious. And, finally, DC welcomes back into the fold comedy savant, Erik Myers. Erik has been walking the Earth (like Cain in Kung–Fu) for the last six months, solving mysteries, helping people, and searching for a six-fingered man. Now he’s back in town and poised to start snappin‘ funny bones.

To be continued…

Distraction and Datstraction

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, geeks, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, identity, Jared Stern, Otakon

Hey there ‘Redheads… Sorry for neglecting my blogular duties. I’ve been distracted over the past week. Mostly by comedy, but some other things have kept me from unleashing the 1000 monkeys on the 1000 typewriters of my soul (deeper than necessary). The perils of home ownership are also giving me fits. One of my walls is throwing an Amityville Horror hissy fit, courtesy of a leak in my upstairs neighbor’s washing machine. Lemme get a few thank-you’s out of the way, then we’ll shave off some blog meat, slather it with A-1, and dig in.

Big thanks to the fine folk at the Baltimore Comedy Factory, the Mid-Atlantic Comedy Smorgasbord, and Taglines, for allowing me to shuck and jive on their stages. I got to work with some of my favorite comedic talents, T-Rexx, Mike Storck, Kelly Terranova, and Seaton Smith to name a few…watching these guys work was a pleasure.

Some of you may have heard the rumors swirling that I, Jared Stern, patrol the streets of Baltimore when night falls. Perhaps, you saw the story in the news…

BALTIMORE — Soldier Killed in Shootout With Police Officer

A 25-year-old soldier from Fort Meade was fatally shot in Baltimore yesterday in a confrontation with a police officer, Baltimore police said.

The soldier, identified as Alexander E. Larkin, was killed in an exchange of shots in a parking garage in downtown Baltimore about 2 a.m., said Officer Nicole Monroe, a Baltimore police spokeswoman.

She said that the officer, Jared Stern, was working in uniform on officially sanctioned overtime when he came upon an altercation involving two men in a garage on Market Place. Each of the men in the altercation was accompanied by another man, Monroe said.

Apparently, I’m on administrative leave, pending investigation. The screwy thing is this took place over the weekend that I was playing the Comedy Factory. What the story didn’t mention was that the guy was a heckler…I don’t fuck around. I had a laugh with my parents, friends, and co-workers the next day…quite the coinky-dink. But, it didn’t end there. When I got home from work a couple days later, I found a folded piece of yellow notebook paper sitting on the front stoop of my apartment it had Mr. Stern please call scrawled on it. Within the folded paper was a business card that said…

Surveillance * Claims Investigation * Fraud Management * Trial Prep
J. Beska
Senior Investigator

…yeah. Needless to say, I was bit weirded out. So, I called the number on the card. I got the guy’s voicemail, left a message wondering what was going on, and got ready to go out. A return message was waiting for me when I got out of the shower, “Hello, Mr. Stern, this is Mr. Beska. Thank you for getting back to me. My first question to you is are you a Baltimore City police officer? If so, please contact me as soon as possible.” This guy, a professional investigator, thought I was the cop. Obviously, his investigation technique was the same one used by the Terminator to find Sarah Conner.

It’s a good thing I’m not a low-rent Baltimore vigilante (Wombat-Man), because there were enough costumed freaks in the area that weekend. Otakon, an anime and video game convention, was in town. And with it, a swarm of dorks, geeks, and various other species of pimpled awkwardness…

Welcome to VirginFest…

On my way home from the club, I spotted a guy on the corner of Lombard & Charles dressed as a Wii controller. A giant white plastic rectangle cube with the controller buttons drawn on and two Birkenstocked feet sticking out of the bottom. Dude, you’ve got all those extra lives…use one for yourself. You are Wii-tarded.

August is right around the corner, and you’re probably wondering, “Where can I find the correct Jared Stern for all of my comedy needs?”…I’m not a mind reader…if you weren’t wondering that, just work with me. Here’s where I’ll be…

Aug. 8th – competing in the Funniest Person in Baltimore contest at the Baltimore Comedy Factory…I need votes, so come check it out.
Aug. 9th – HBO Comedy Festival contest at the DC Improv…the line-up for this show is phenomenal…Chris White, Rob Maher, Joe Robinson, Randolph T, Seaton Smith, Jon Mumma, Erin Jackson, and me. Yeah, I know…I don’t know what I’m doing there either.
Aug. 10th & 11th – featuring at Cozzy’s in Newport News, VA.
Aug. 24th & 25th – MCing at Banana’s in Hasbrouck Heights, NJ.

Stalk away.

Before I go, here’s a short clip of my impossibly cute nephew, Mo, at the pool. Betcha can’t watch just once…

To be continued…