Category: Jared Stern

Alone Time

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Don Pardo, Dreamcast, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Libya, Sega, Shining Force, travel advisory
Hey there, ‘Redheads… This installment of the blog may be more of a rambling mess than usual. My girlfriend is gone on a business trip to sunny San Diego and I’ve been left to my own devices. One device in particular, my Sega Dreamcast, has been occupying the bulk of my time since I got home from work. And I wasn’t even playing a game from when Dreamcast was new. I was frying my eyeballs playing Shining Force, which originally came out when I graduated high school. Still holds up. Since I don’t have to divide my attention between it and her, I decided to plug in and make up for a couple days of neglect. She gets flowers, it gets its buttons mashed. Games like that eat time and in that time, you forget to eat. Want a great diet plan? Get invested in a turn based RPG. Your eyes will be a little sunken, and your complexion might get a little pallid, but the rapid eye movement really burns the calories. In the blink of a bloodshot eye, three hours were gone. It was only because I set an alarm that I realized that I needed to get typing to make my arbitrary deadline. Anywho, I’m done interacting with the imaginary forces of good and evil and I’m ready to interact with you, my imaginary readers.

Happy 93rd Birthday to legendary television voice, Don Pardo. He’s been the voice behind countless TV programs and gameshows, including Saturday Night Live, which he continues to do even in his 90’s. Here’s a fun trivia question for you. Don Pardo is one of only two people to have a lifetime contract with NBC. Can you name the other person? If you answer it correctly, Mr Pardo would tell you that you’ve won a twenty volume set of the Encyclopedia International, a case of Turtle Wax, and a year’s supply of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat. But that’s not all!

The State Department has issued a travel warning for Libya. Great, now Spring Break is ruined. Do you really have to tell people not to go to Libya? Maybe there is some hidden exotic destination somewhere over there, but even if you get a great rate from Travelocity, I’m pretty sure most people will be able to pass on the deal. If you have your bags packed and have your Southwest boarding pass tucked in your jacket pocket and it takes a State Department travel advisory to tell you it might be a bad idea to check out Six Flags Over Tripoli, they should just stamp your passport with a big red DUMBASS. Just sayin‘ is all.

See you Wednesday…

Prez Dispenser

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Calvert Cliffs, comedy, gym, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Martin Van Buren, President's Day

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Happy President’s Day to you and yours. The day when we celebrate the presidents of the past, like George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, and the presidents of the modern day, like David Palmer and Bill Pullman from Independence Day. It’s because of them that we’re able to get such great deals on mattresses and cars. While some presidents are well known to us, there are some that remain a mystery…

So, here’s my gym update thus far. I’ve been going and sticking to the regimen that the trainer showed me. I tried to kick it up a notch and take a cardio kickboxing class today. Here’s a sure sign that such a class is not for you: your field of vision starts to narrow five minutes in. Holy crap, am I out of shape. My girlfriend tells me that the burning in my lungs was normal, but that was red flag for me. I gave it what I could before stumbling out of the class to try to catch my breath, which left a couple minutes before.

On Sunday, my gal and I embarked on a road trip. We flipped a series of coins to figure out which direction to go, and south won. We ended up at Calvert Cliffs State Park…It was pretty scenic. It was a picturesque (because I took pictures) two mile hike out to the cliffs, which were essentially carved out of years of erosion. They were made of sand and clay. People are encouraged to dig through the layers to try and find fossilized shark teeth and such. I had been spoiled for nature after my visit to the Grand Canyon last year, but enough time had past that I wasn’t so jaded that this wasn’t cool to look at. Nature is fun, when it’s not trying to kill you. Here are some other shots from our hike…I’m a regular Ansel Adams. Anyway, it’s a fun way to spend a Sunday if you’ve got nothing to do. It was about an hour and a half drive and Solomon’s Island is right near by, if you dig seafood.

See you Tuesday.

Friday Night Videos

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, video, weather, wind

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Another gorgeous day in DC-land. Ice cream men and women got themselves a bonus day to peddle popscicles if they were able to wake from their hibernation, wipe the sleep out of their eyes, and jump start the truck. Everyone was out and about today, test driving frisbees and letting children off their leashes to frolic. I hope you got your lazy butts outside and cleansed your insides with some fresh spring-like air. If you did, cherish it because in a matter of moments that fresh air is going to whip up 50+ mile per hour winds and try to forcibly take that breath back. I’d like to go a week without the weather forecast including something out of a biblical wrath story. Topper Shutt might as when grow a beard like Evan Almighty at this point. You’ve enjoyed the good, so now it’s time to hunker down and outlast the oncoming bad. To that end, for your viewing pleasure, and so I don’t have to type as much, I offer some shiny moving pictures to gawk at rather than twist in the wind…

I give you action…

I give you sarcasm…

And I give you kids saying the darndest things…

Are you not entertained? Then go fly a kite. Except tonight, the kite flies you. I don’t know what I’m talking about either. See you Monday.

Hot Hot Hot

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, heat, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Jeopardy, Ken Jennings

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Urp. Excuse me. I am stuffed. I just got done having hipster fish n’ chips: sushi and tater tots. Do yourself a favor, if you ever get to Sticky Rice on H St, order the Bucket of Tots. Food is always better when served in a bucket. That’s sage advice from the Colonel to me to you. I hope everyone is enjoying this sudden onset of beautiful weather in the DC area. Savor it. Drink it in. It’ll probably snow next week. Remember, if you don’t like the weather in DC, wait a minute. There’s a scientific reason why we’re heating up. No, not global warming, silly. The sun is trying to kill us…

A magnitude X2.2 solar flare that occurred on Monday will reach Earth during the late hours of February 17th, with the potential for geomagnetic storms and spectacular views of the aurora borealis, or the northern lights. This latest solar flare happens to be the strongest unleashed by the sun in nearly four years.

Yeah, so enjoy the sixty degree weather, because apparently we’re being preheated. Somebody call Michael Bay, Bruce Willis, and Steven Tyler. They’re the only ones that can save us. The flare could potentially wreak havoc with GPS satellites and electronic devices. Thanks for not letting that havoc keep you from reading the blog, by the way. You guys are real troopers. One thing I’m sure of, somebody’s getting superpowers out of this.

Speaking of things trying to kill us, Watson, IBM’s gameshow murderbot, took the first step toward overthrowing humanity and crushed two of our biggest nerds on Jeopardy. The last three days was just so IBM could show off their vast improvement on the Magic 8-ball. All that was missing was someone putting a top hat on it and having it sing “Puttin‘ on the Ritz.” With defeat imminent, Ken Jennings took it all in stride…I think Ken then challenged Watson to a foot race. Or thumb wrestling. We’re doomed.

But, at least tomorrow is Friday. ‘Til then.

Take a Look, It’s in a Book…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in books, Chapter 11, comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern

Hey there ‘Redheads… Happy Hump Day to you and yours. Since I started writing this blog on a weekdaily basis, you might have noticed that, on some days, the content can be a little thin. There’ve been some days where flies have been buzzing around the blog’s eyes. So, I’m a big fan when the news drops a turnip in my lap from which I can squeeze some blood…

From the Washington Post: Yet another analog bookseller has taken a step closer to a digital demise. Borders filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy this morning, hoping to restructure its finances and reboot its operations.

That’s right, folks, Borders has filed for Chapter 11. Why don’t they just wait for the movie to come out? I’m guessing that’s not Chapter 11 of “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” Don’t spoil it for me. I haven’t gotten past Chapter 3 yet. Gee, I wonder where Borders could find information about navigating a bankruptcy? If you go to a Borders and there’s a copy of “Bankruptcy For Dummies” left on the shelf, then they’re just not trying. I bet there’s at least one guy in Arizona who woke up this morning, saw the story about Borders closing and said, “‘Bout time.” What sucks is, most people probably read this story online. Everything is online now. I’m not writing this with a quill and ink. It’s only a matter of time before books are quaint relics. It stinks, but it’s true. Our culture is lazy, and books are heavy. You can put an entire library on an iPad now. This is bad news for a large segment of our economy. Makers of bookshelves and sassy bookmarks will have to find a new skill set. The loss of Borders is a mixed blessing, if you think about it. That’s one less place where people can buy Snooki’s book.

Speaking of light reading, I passed a sign on the beltway that said “DUI Enforcement Area”. That seems to imply that in every other area, they’ll just let it slide.

See you Thursday.

R.I.P. Inspector Kemp

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Kenneth Mars, Young Frankenstein

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Today, we lost another cast member from one of my favorite movies, Young Frankenstein. Actor, Kenneth Mars died today at the age of 75, from pancreatic cancer. Some of you may not recognize the name, but you’d recognize the face. He’s probably best known for his role in the original The Producers…

If you’ve never seen it, and you’ve been brainwashed by the remake that was spawned from the musical, do yourself a favor and shove it to the front of your Netflix queue. Bar none, one of the funniest movies ever made. As I mentioned before, he also had a prominent role in another movie that easily ranks in my top five, if no the top five, Young Frankenstein…

Come to think of it, that movie was turned into a musical too. Kenny, we hardly knew ye…

See you Wednesday…

Love is a Many Splendored Blog

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Jeopardy, love, Marvel Vs. Capcom 3, salsa dog, Thin Mints, Valentine's Day, Watson

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Love is in the air, everywhere you look around. Happy Valentine’s Day to all of my readers. I hope you all took advantage of the first bona fide beautiful day of 2011 and shared some time with your respective sweeties. And an extra special Valentine’s Day wish for the special gal who puts up with my daily shenanigans. She finds my crass mannerisms cute and adorable, and if this blog was the highest rooftop, I’d be happy to loudly proclaim that I love her. We just got done eating heart shaped ravioli. I’ll give you a moment to grab your insulin. We should celebrate love, while we still have semi-exclusive rights to it. Pretty soon, IBM will find a way to hard wire it into a computer and show it off on The Newlywed Game. I don’t know if you watched Watson, the IBM computer, compete on Jeopardy tonight, but humanity is holding its own so far. Part two of the show airs tomorrow night, and you owe it to the species to root against this infant version of Skynet. When it gets to Final Jeopardy, I’m guessing it’s final wager will be us. Until that day, when our laptops recharge their batteries with our blood, celebrate love.

Love comes in many forms. As I rediscovered over the weekend, love is a Thin Mint. I turned the corner at Eastern Market, and I heard a chorus of angels as the folding table with its crunchy sweet boxes of happiness appeared before me. Sure, the Girl Scouts have jacked up the price another fifty cents, but would you let fifty cents keep you from bliss? I think not. And ignore the serving size they put on there. Four cookies? Pshaw. One sleeve is the recommended serving.

There is also love between a man and his dog, and I’ve never seen that love expressed so purely as it is in this video…

I smell a cross over between Dancing With The Stars and Animal Planet. Just don’t ask me where I smell it.

Today is not only Valentine’s Day, of course. Another big event happened today. The release of Marvel vs. Capcom 3…

I’ve been waiting a long time to mainline this game into my eyeballs. I welcome whatever seizures may come with it. Maybe I was wrong about Watson. Maybe the machines will just use games like this to turn our brains into tapioca pudding. Whatever, I like pudding.

See you Tuesday…

Filler, Buster…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Mardi Gras

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I’ll level with you, I’ve got nothin’. This is just being written to fill space, so I may keep the streak alive. So, let’s see how long my stream of consciousness can go ’til it runs dry. Speaking of the streak, it will be coming to an end. March 4th is going to be my last planned consecutive entry. Pending a few details to be worked out, I’ll be on a plane to New Orleans for a double shot of debauchery, a buddy’s bachelor party and Mardi Gras, the next day. I don’t see much blogging getting done up through Fat Tuesday. Rest assured, you’ll get a big fat hungover entry of all of my fuzzy memories and thought out alibis from the trip.

I’m not sure what to expect. I’m excited, but I’m also filled with dread. Sure, this crosses Mardi Gras off my bucket list, but I don’t want to be puking into that bucket. I’m looking to have a good time, not a sequel to The Hangover. I’m an old 35, and most of the people down there will be hammered twenty-somethings. My heavy drinking days are behind me and I hate being caught in loud teeming mobs of drunk people, I don’t care how many boobs are involved. I may try to treat the trip like a safari. New Orleans is the natural habitat of the drunk tramp. It’s fitting that so many guys will attempt to track their mating habits. So, this will either be an amazing time, or my own personal hell. Many consider New Orleans to be the devil’s waiting room anyway. So, we’ll see. Nothing’s official just yet. Like I said, I’m just trying to fill space.

Before I sign off, Happy Birthday to Thomas Edison. Somehow it seems wrong to put candles in the cake.

Have a good weekend. See you Valentine’s Day.

Thursday Random Crap

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Harry Houdini, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, license plate, Papa John's

Hey there ‘Redheads… Today is a day of rest for me. I’ve had a couple late nights in a row, combined with teetering on the edge of illness, so my batteries are in need of a recharge. To that end, this space will be sprinkled with a couple quick observations you may have already seen on Facebook. But, if you didn’t catch them there, then they’ll be new to you.

I saw this on a license plate yesterday…
I was able to figure out that the owner of the car meant to say “Winnie the Pooh” (WIN-E-D-POO). At least, I hope that’s what they meant. At first glance, the message they send is “classy drunk incontinence”. If I ever got a vanity plate, this is what I’d get…
Guys, if you’re stuck on what to get your special someone for Valentine’s Day, fear not. Papa John’s has your back. You can order a heart shaped pizza. Aww, isn’t that cute? What better way to say, “Honey, you are the garlic butter sauce of my life.” Tell her that your love for her is so big that it clogs your arteries.

I’m pissed about the new Harry Houdini action figure that I saw at the store. If it was really Houdini, the package would be empty.

And finally, here’s a piece of eye candy for you to suck on…

See you Friday. I’m going to bed.

No NFL Make Fans Something Something

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, lockout, Madden, NFL

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I’m a solutions oriented guy. I hate hearing that two sides of a major issue are at an impasse. The impending NFL lockout looms over the sports world as fans brace themselves for potential missed games next season. Sure, the big sticking point for the players is the 18 game season that the owners are trying to push through at the expense of player health. All big issues. You know what the fans care about? Having to watch bowling because football isn’t on. Having to spend time doing chores and shopping with significant others. Having to actually do work because our fantasy football teams are playing golf. Having to resort to gambling on the WNBA (take the under, btw). Productivity will skyrocket. Fresh air consumption will go through the roof. Couch cushions will retain their original shape. The collateral damage will be tremendous. In order to avert this potential catastrophe, I offer a simple solution that will offer a suitable alternative to the fans in the NFL’s absence. Something to keep us locked in during the lockout. Two words: Televised Madden. Why not? The graphics already look damn near real life…

Get a player representative from each team, or a lucky fan, to take the controller from week to week and play out the season. You could even turn off the commentary (but it’s Gus Johnson, so why would you?) and have the respective network broadcast teams call the games. Don’t act like you wouldn’t watch. It’d be a better quality product than the UFL. Or they could always televise the Puppy Regular Season. I’m just spitballing here. Let’s just hope it doesn’t come to this. Get your poop in a group, NFL. The Redskins have horrible decisions to make and I have a fantasy football crown to defend.

See you Thursday.