Hey there ‘Redheads… Welcome to Spring. 2006 is flying by just as fast as last year. In the blink of an eye, we’re a 1/4 done. As the weather warms up, I’m happy to bid one of my pet peeves of Winter adieu. Static electricity. There’s nothing quite as annoying as that unexpected static shock. Listen, I realize the human body is a natural conductor, but it’d be nice if I could touch a piece of metal without a stay of execution from the governor. Give me a sweater, a balloon, and a flux capacitor, and I can get you back to 1985. Unfortunately, as that annoyance vacates the premises, a new one moves in. Bugs…can’t stand ’em. If I could somehow harness the power of the first nuisance, I could gleefully zap the crap out of the second.

Ah, Johnny B…we hardly knew ye…

Also, a belated congratulations to the Lady Terps on their first ever NCAA National Championship. It was made all the sweeter by beating Duke. The overconfident Lady Devils fell to their knees and blew a 13 point halftime lead. Sorry, for the cheap blowjob joke. One of the gals on Duke is 6’7″…going down is about all she can do. Ok, enough. Go Terps. Hopefully, the men can take a hint and erase the embarrassment that was this season.

I stopped by the open mic at Wiseacre’s last night. A nice-sized crowd showed up, which led to a great night for the comics. Much of the crowd was thanks to a first-timer who brought about 15 friends. I’m sure it was great for his confidence. He Dane-Cooked it around the stage for 5 minutes. He killed. They laughed lots.
Here’s the thing about bringing large groups of friends/family when you’re just starting out: You will never get honest feedback as to how you did.
Your friends will laugh at you out of pity, drunken over-exuberance, or genuine merriment. Since they know you, the novelty of seeing you on-stage is enough to make their night worthwhile. You learn very little about yourself as a performer that way. If you shoot your wad in your first couple of weeks, while you’re in the comedy zygote phase, that novelty will wear off. As supportive as your friends are, eventually they’ll stop showing up and you’ll be left to fend for yourself in front of strangers. When I started out, I didn’t even tell my friends I was doing this until I was 3 or 4 months in, confident I was able to hold my own in front of people with no emotional attachment to me other than what they see in front of them. Not a sermon, just a thought.

Speaking of just starting out, I was flipping through my old notebooks and found a bunch of old, neglected, ill-conceived jokes from years past. In the spirit of Spring cleaning, here are a few of these fledgling bits, incomplete thoughts, and poorly crafted ideas for your reading pleasure. Some dynamite hack here…

People with speech impediments…they’re a very misunderstood people.

I’m trying to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest procrastination. I’m coming to grips with the fact that’ll have to accept the title posthumously.

After losing my job I resorted to selling furniture for a living. That didn’t last long… It was my furniture.

My friends all work out three times a week. They drink Gatorade. I drink Sloth…nectar of the idle.

20 years ago, when people wanted to learn about something, they checked out a book…to find facts related to it. Today, when I want to learn about something, I go online…to find porn related to it.

When I say that my body “lacks definition”, I mean they literally haven’t been able to classify it yet.

Golfer Greg Norman has his own brand of wine. It starts off great but, after a couple of rounds, you start to choke.

I’m so reliant on my notes, I’m like the guy from Memento. This is your audience…they paid to see you…they will laugh at you out of pity.

I was raised by monks. They helped shape my sense of humor. If there’s a bad vow of silence joke…I haven’t heard it.

…aaaaaaaaaaaand scene. Your patience is appreciated. Here’s a reward.

To be continued…

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