‘Redheads, it’s been too long… But, whenever I’ve kept you waiting in the past, there’s always been at least two scoops of bloggy goodness to reward you for your Zen-like patience. This time is no exception. I’ve had an eventful couple of days, and I was waiting on some pictures to post, both to enrich your overall blog experience…and to help establish my alibi. Those pictures never came through, so now I have an extra 1000 words apiece to convey to you guys. Let’s hop in the JaredLive Fuzzy Recollection Machine and try to reconcile my definition of “eventful”.
FRIDAY– Cinco de Mayo. When everyone wants to be Mexican for a day…like Carlos Mencia, but without the fake accent. For the full experience, my friends and I went to Rio Grande for a feast worthy of deportation. I partook of one of the greatest Mexican contributions to the art of blood thickening, Camarones Brochette. Sizzling shrimp stuffed with cheese and jalapenos, wrapped in bacon, and served with butter sauce. If there is a heaven, this is the special on Thursdays.
After we got done with our mini-fiesta, we went to the local multiplex to take in a flick. Something of substance. Something Oscar-worthy. We decided on Stick It. So, the 3 of us, average age 30, paid $9.50 a pop to sit in a theater full of tweens to watch a movie about teenage gymnasts. I think that sentence needs to take a hot shower…it’s skeevy. Anywho, the movie, from the people that brought you the cheerleading opus, Bring It On, is about rebelling against authority. These plucky gals need to express themselves, and they’re not about to let those stuffy judges, or a plot, hold them back. It’s saying something when a film lacks the substance of Bring It On. This piece of fluff made it look like Citizen Kane.
SATURDAY– Five words: Bachelor party on a boat. If I didn’t fill my Corona quota on cinco, on seis my bottle runneth over. At 11:00am, I met up with my friends Chris, Ed, Stu, Mike, Felippe, and Richard in DC to send off my buddy, Glen in style. After some pre-saucing, we piled into two cars and headed up to Mike’s Crab House in Annapolis. We chartered a boat for 5 hour tour/fishing trip (it was billed as a fishing trip…they just stuck some poles off the side of the boat…if anything was caught, we were there to take credit for it). It was an absolutely gorgeous day for alcoholism and sunstroke. I wish I had some pictures for you, because there’s no way I can do the scene justice (luckily, Chris snapped some great shots, but he just hasn’t gotten around to sending them). We drank and ate and talked about the mysteries of the universe…like threesomes. The 5 hours passed quickly…which was either a testament to the good time or the tequila haze.
The boat dropped us off back at Mike’s for further intoxication and the devouring of crustaceans. I can’t truly say how good the crabs were. Y’ever been so drunk that anything put in front of you that’s edible is the GREATEST FOOD EVER? That was my level culinary criticism. All I know is they were messy and delicious and I smelled like old bay afterward. Settling the bill was fun. When you’re drunk and full of crab, you have the financial acumen of a guy who accidentally hit the Spanish button during his ATM transaction. We got back to DC around 11:00pm…early by bachelor party standards, but we were all too sapped to go out looking for tits.
SUNDAY– I spent in dialysis.
MONDAY– I stayed in for my night of appointment television, 24. Before I settled in for an hour of real-time badassery, I decided to check out David Blaine’s special, Drowned Alive. I figured it’d be a 50 minute build-up, 7 minutes for the stunt, then I could flip over to Jack Bauer kicking terrorist ass. Turns out it was a 2 HOUR special. Ok, look, holding your breath for seven minutes is very impressive…I need water-wings when I go to the pool, but 2 HOURS?? That’s an hour and fifty minutes of useless hype, intercut with Blaine’s interactive street magic. His card tricks are cool, but I’d like to see him conjure up some charisma. Have you heard this guy talk? That deep monotone that makes Stephen Hawking sound like Rip Taylor… I’m not sure which was the bigger test of endurance, him trying to hold his breath for nine minutes, or trying to watch it for 2 hours. That’s the ultimate in interactive magic, when you make the audience want to escape. The ironic part was that a special about holding breath was hosted by Stuart Scott, a man who’s job it is to be filled with hot air. Boo-ya.
TUESDAY– Before I get into the day’s festivities, I wanted to share a piece of an IM had with my buddy, Seth (congratulations, you made the blog):
Seth: hope you showered this morning
Jared: I did, actually
Seth: by accident?
Jared: how do you shower by accident?
Seth: slip fall shower
Seth: makes sense to me
Jared: you’d have to slip, fall, try to catch yourself on the faucet knobs, turn the water on, then reach up to pick yourself up and accidentally grab the soap
Seth: fall again to get the shampoo which accidentally fell on your head
Jared: that too
Seth: also coincidentally you had your first seizure ever resulting in furious hand movements to lather, rinse, and repeat.
Moving on… Tuesday was a landmark day. The 10th Anniversary celebration for Sketchup, UMD’s sketch comedy group that, I’m proud to say, I’m a founding member of. The drinking started just after 2:00pm, as alumni met up at the Fe in College Park to swap stories and pickle ourselves before the 9:00pm showtime. 7 hours of prep. Who loves Sketchup? I love Sketchup. The group has spawned a couple high profile alums… Christian Zonts a.k.a. Skinnen Bones MC, Adam “Shappy” Shapiro, and Risa Binder to name a few…and I’m doin’ ok too.
After the kick-ass show in the Hoff theater, all of Sketchup past and present went to the aftershow party, complete with a keg of Beast (which, I believe only cost $7…and that includes the $5 deposit for the keg). Long story short, my liver hurts.
THE FUTURE– I’ll be featuring @ Wiseacre’s Comedy Club in Tyson’s Corner, VA on Friday at 9:00 and Saturday at 8:00 & 10:30. Come check me out in my natural habitat.
To be continued…