I, uh…

Hey there ‘Redheads… It was recently revealed to me that my act has become a kind of party game among my fellow DC comics. Count the I, uh…’s. Apparently it’s some kind of drinking game. Which makes sense. It was only a matter of time before my act drove someone to drink. Yes, it’s a stylistic crutch…used to stretch 20 minutes of good material into 30 mediocre minutes. Check out my MySpace page (conveniently linked to your right) and click on the audio clips to play the home game.

Well, it’s June ’06, which marks the one year anniversary of a great feature on DCStandup.com (also conveniently linked to your right), MonoBlog. Where area comedians submit topical/news-related jokes in late night talkshow monologue format, for your amusement and our own desperate need to see our thoughts in print. In celebration of this passage of time (and because I need to fill space), here are some of my favorite contributions to the MonoBlog

(June 07, 2005) Teenagers who think they are too fat are more than twice as likely as normal-weight teens to attempt or think about suicide, a study found. This may be fueled by the notion that decomposition is a great way to shed those excess pounds. Suicide isn’t the way out for these kids … ’cause if they think people are judgmental HERE…

(June 14, 2005) Steve Garcia, an insulin-dependent diabetic convicted of trying to kill his wife three days after she asked for a divorce, won a chance for a new trial when the Colorado Supreme Court ruled 4 to 3 that low blood sugar can cause involuntary intoxication and leave someone incapable of following the law. His attorney has entered a plea of “not guilty by reason of cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs”. Mark Hacking, recently convicted of shooting his wife in her sleep, now wants a new trial, claiming he “did it for a Klondike Bar.”

(July 03, 2005) Forty-five people were arrested during nighttime raids for allegedly conspiring to smuggle South Korean women into the U.S. to work as prostitutes at massage parlors. It should be noted, however, this story did not have a happy ending…that costs extra.

(July 14, 2005) Just hours before the release of ‘Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince,’ news reports cite 2003 letters by then-Cardinal Ratzinger which show that Pope Benedict believes the Potter books subtly seduce young readers and “distort Christianity in the soul.” He states that the only work of fiction that is appropriate for young Christians is the Bible.

(July 15, 2005) Amma, the Indian “Hugging Saint”, was welcomed to Crystal City by a crowd of thousands who lined up to receive her healing energy yesterday. The lines were considerably shorter, however, for a guy claiming to be the Mexican “Fondling Saint” and a man offering “Noogies for a Nickel”.

(Aug. 17, 2005) The Idaho Dept. of Fish and Game is using a video game called Laser Shot to help train young hunters. In a related story, the Idaho Dept. of Health is using Pac-Man to treat eating disorders… and the Dept. of Public Works is using Super Mario Bros. as a plumbing tutorial.

(Aug. 26, 2005) A man who exposed himself to children in Fairfax County libraries is in custody. Library officials became suspicious after the children recounted the reading of the “Sammy, the Squirting Snake” pop-up book. In an ironic turn, the book was repeatedly yanked from shelves until the public was satisfied and began coming to the library.

(Sept. 06, 2005) On a tour through Houston’s AstroDome to visit hurricane refugees, Barbara Bush said that amidst the chaos and misery, she sees a “silver lining.” It was later discovered to be cataracts.

(Oct. 31, 2005) Along a stretch of the West Maui Mountains where winds blow up to 50mph, officials have broken ground on the site of what will be Hawaii’s largest wind farm. This follows the success of Hawaii’s sand ranch and oceanwater corral along the coastline.

(Nov. 14, 2005) Scientists have discovered a new hormone produced by the stomach that appears to play a crucial role in controlling appetite. Apparently, the hormone regulates the body’s ability to “make it’s own gravy.”

(May 22, 2006) Rocker Axl Rose and fashion designer Tommy Hilfiger got into a fistfight outside of a Manhattan nightclub Thursday night. The fight was apparently over who was less relevant.

(May 26, 2006) Researchers in England and the United States are laying out the blueprint and calling for help in developing the exotic materials needed to build an actual cloak of invisibility like the one in Harry Potter. Unfortunately, the technology to make a fully functioning Hermoine doll that doesn’t find them skeevy is still out of reach.

Yes, I do notice that there is a sizable gap in my entries from Nov. ’05 until about a month ago, but that’s only because I’ve been using all of my harnessed written wit for this blog…for you. It’s all for you. In any case, I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed doing it to you.

If this entry seems to lack inspiration (yes, I know…how can you tell?) it’s because I wanted to get one more blog in before the end of the world on Tuesday, 6/6/06. It only comes around once every 1000 years, so something better happen besides a shitty remake of The Omen. My advice? Enjoy some live stand-up comedy to brighten your soul before it’s swallowed by the blood-crazed hellions. On Sunday, head on over to the Comedy Spot to check out the graduating class of Chris White’s College of Stand-up Knowledge (enroll today!). They’ll be joined by Rory Scovel, Erin Jackson, and yours truly for a solid comedy jamboree. On Tuesday, get your soon-to-be-flayed alive carcass down to Nanny O’Brien’s for their stellar monthly showcase. Get in one last laugh before the fiery cataclysm.

Evil unbuttoned

To be continued…?

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