Bloggo Anno Uno

…And they say Latin is a dead language. ‘Redheads, time has flown. This blog is 74 posts old…or 1 in blog years (give or take a day or so). I’d like to thank everyone who has been wading in Lake Me since the beginning and all who’ve decided to take a dip along the way. Born out of a combination of boredom and peer pressure, this has evolved from unfocused protoplasm into a slightly upright cro-magnon of weekly entertainment. I learned, while I was working in radio, to write for the audience you want. If you want to reach a national audience, make a product that’ll be interesting to that kind of audience…even if you only reach a local audience to start out, a polished product will eventually bring more people in. When this started out, I realized I was writing for as few as just myself. Over the past year, the readership has grown beyond my delusions obscurity. For those of you who give a rat’s ass, here’s a brief history of the blog thus far…

9/15/05: The first entry…
I, Jared Stern, being of sound mind and flabby body, do hereby take a flailing leap into the blogosphere. This is the place for one stop shopping of my non-opinions and other non-sequitors. Hopefully this’ll end up being a funny and/or informative…complete waste of time. To be continued…

12/24/05: The hit counter is installed…
Now, going back over the math I noodled through when the counter hit 5000+, I miscalculated (shocker) the average number of hits per blog. For some reason, I grossly miscounted the number of entries since the counter was installed (I’m a writer, not a counter). I shorted myself. So, here is the new math…hopefully correct this time:

Current number of hits (minus the one I used to check it)= 6284
Number of blog entries since the counter was installed= 49
Number of times I check each entry= approx 3

So, 6284 – (3 x 49) / 49 = 125.2

Not too shabby. I’m not sure if you can call 125 people “masses”, but it’s a heckuva lot more than I thought would end up reading my shtick.

1/18/06: The term ‘Redheads is coined…
A few people have asked me what the derivation of ‘Redheads is. Well, my name is Jared…Ja * Red. So, the ‘Red is me. A ‘Redhead is a fan of me. There aren’t alot of those, so I’ll settle for regular readers of the blog.

Over the last twelve months, I’ve pecked out all manner of anecdotes, news items, and crappy jokes. Some are worth briefly revisiting (humor me just a couple moments more) Here now, are five of my favorite chunks of bloggy goodness from the past year…

5) From 11/22/05… Those of you who are familiar with my act (all two of you) know that one of the jokes I tell is about seeing a bumper sticker that asks, “How Would Jesus Drive?” My answer…he would probably hydroplane alot. It’s on my CD. I’ve been telling it since ’03. Well, at the showcase, one of the comics made mention that if Jesus were driving somewhere, he’d hydroplane. At the same time, he might as well’ve punched my pet hamster in the nuts. Best case scenario? It’s a simple case of parallel thinking. His ten thousand monkeys, hammering away on their ten thousand typewriters, just happened to write a page of Shakespeare and come up with the same joke. He doesn’t know who the hell I am and, but for seeing him tonight, vice versa. It happens. Suck it up, Jared. Worst case? He lifted the notion off of the website where it comes up in the random joke box. That would be disappointing AND shitty. I think what was most disheartening was that he didn’t tell it right and it bombed. I sound petty as hell right now, I know, but it’s like someone took your kid to a party and fed him so much cake and candy that he puked on the gift table, and now YOU get blamed for being a bad parent. Just sayin’…that was not my kid’s fault.

4) From 12/04/05… If you happened to catch the Bengals/Steelers game, perhaps you too heard Dick Enberg say the following: “These quarterbacks are like opera singers. Lots of gesticulating.” Here’s a tip, Dick: Know your audience. Odds are, the closest your average Steelers fan has come to an opera singer is that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Elmer Fudd sings, “KILL THE WABBIT!”. And when most football fans hear that a quarterback is gesticulating, they think he’s jiggling the center’s yambag at the line of scrimmage. Just say that he’s talking with his hands, Dick.

3) From 1/12/06… The cherry on top of this turd sundae was watching my Terps get their asses served al dente by Duke…in HD. Every misstep in vivid detail. The Terps had 30 turnovers. I’ve seen fewer balls thrown away in a dog neutering facility.

2) From 2/16/06… It was 66 degrees today. The area’s worst blizzard was four days ago. Saturday, I thought I was going to have to subsist on toilet paper and milk sandwiches for the next week…today, a penguin knocked on my door to ask to sublet my freezer. Did Channel 9’s Topper Shutt run down a family of gypsies? That’s the only way I can explain this weather. Tomorrow look for a high of 60 and lo…custs.

1) From 8/29/06… Yes, you read that correctly…homeless soccer. There are only 5 people per team, but at least one of them thinks they’re Jesus Christ, so it all evens out. This is inspirational. Think of what these homeless soccer teams have to overcome. The most obvious, EVERY game is away. Some of these guys and gals are actually pretty good. I’m sure there’s a homeless David Beckham…a homeless Mia Hamm…sorta like Bizarro World. Just like in regular soccer, after winning, they take off their shirts…but then they follow it up with a bottle shower and taking a shit on the pitch. I think this would make a great movie, don’t you? It’ll be like Cool Runnings but with nappier hair. If you’d like to find out more about these ragtag competitors, you can find more info at Yes, the have a homeless page (sometimes, I amaze even myself). Oh, but I’ve left out the best part…

The best eight players were selected to attend the Homeless World Cup next month in Johannesburg.

There’s a homeless World Cup…it’s filled with soup, apparently.

To wrap up the year recap…

Ok…enough of the self-important horn tootin’. Your comedy homework for the week is to go check out the reassembly of the giant comedy robot, the DC Standup All-Stars at American University’s Mary Graydon Center on Wednesday the 13th (this is being posted on the 13th, so…tonight) @ 7pm. The show is FREE.

Thanks for the year…here’s hoping you stick around for the next.

To be continued…

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