Catching Up

Hey ‘Redheads… Before I begin, I think we can all agree that I procrastinate like a coma patient. This blog is later than the apology for Freddy Got Fingered. I declared this month Blogtober, yet I’ve gone 10 days between weekly installments. My hope is that with each blog, your expectations lower to the point that I no longer have to apologize. Today’s blog may seem more random than usual. Let the bottoming out commence.

On Comedy Central tonight, they followed Blue Collar Comedy with the Steven Wright one hour special. I think the contrast knob on my TV just reached a higher plane of existence. This is his first televised special in a long time, so I sat and soaked in the off-kilter deadpan genius. As mind bending as Steven Wright’s stuff is, I was floored to find out that we share a joke.

My joke: The guy who invented alkaline batteries died. This has me concerned, because maybe he’s not dead…maybe he’s just…in wrong.

His joke: I went to my grandfather’s wake. As I saw him lying in the casket, I thought about the batteries in my flashlight. I said, “Maybe he’s not dead. Maybe someone put him in the wrong way.”

It’s one of the happier coincidences I’ve encountered in recent days. Much cooler than when I found out that Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds played Leatherface in the recent Texas Chainsaw Massacre sequel. I somehow achieved parallel thought with one of my comedy idols…a complete freakin’ fluke but, for a brief moment, everything was Wright with the world.

I heard Tower Records was going out of business, so I figured I’d swing by one of their stores to take advantage of the massive savings. I found out why Tower is going out of business. Because their idea of a Going Out Of Business sale, is to take 15% off a $20 Nickelback CD. I think they also instructed the cashiers to not punch you in the throat. Oh, the savings. Way to make the prices almost reasonable. The shit in their 99cent bin was $5. Good riddance, you money-grubbing bastards. Sheesh.

Congrats to Doug Powell and Jon Mumma on advancing to the next round of the Arlington Cinema n’ Drafthouse contest. I’d like to think I came in a close third…but I’d also like to think that I’m a peer of Steven Wright, so I’m obviously delusional. The competition aside, the show was a blast and that packed house got its money’s worth. Nine of the finest the area has to offer duking it out for the last two spots in the semis, plus Chris White hosting and Justin Schlegel closing. It was a layer cake of hilarity. It was also a great display of everything that’s right about the DC scene. It was all about putting on a good show. And after each set, I’ve never seen so many handshakes, compliments, and kudos. It was almost too much for my shitty self-esteem to handle. Warmed my cockels. Really.

Speaking of competition, I read that the principal of an elementary school in Massachusetts has, “banned tag, touch football, and any other unsupervised chase games at recess,” because they’re worried about kids getting hurt and the school being held responsible for the injuries.
When I was a boy (liver spots are bursting on my hands as I type this) at Stonegate Elementary, me and my chums played a game called Elimination. It was a variation of dodgeball that was played in a fenced-in blacktop. Essentially, inside a steel cage. You got three steps with the ball, then slung it at the scrawniest target in your sightline. Headhunting was encouraged. When you got out, you could “hire” another player to bean the guy that got you out to get back in, giving your hitman three extra steps by touching the ball. We sent a kid to the nurse’s office every day for two weeks before the administration stepped in an banned it.
It’s recess. Shit happens. Lighten up, before the children get so fat they start scoring games based on their cholesterol points.

It’s time, once again, for a WORLD BLOG VIDEO PREMIERE. From two of the four people that brought you GUYS WATCHING 24, it’s a hilarious look at attempting to attempt suicide. Filmed right here at Stately Stern Manor, starring Chris White and Yours Truly (my Swedish porn name) here’s NEVER CAN SAY GOODBYE

Please to be catapulting us to YouTube superstardom. My favorite part: miming hari kari. Let the Oscar buzz begin!

While we’re on the subject of kick ass movies (humor me), I need to throw my support behind The Prestige. This movie was great. Two rival magicians each taking turns upping the revenge ante. When they finally go all-in, it makes for a great twist. It had one of the most satisfying endings that I’ve seen in awhile. The film also answers the age old question. Who would win in a fight between Batman and Wolverine?…if they were both turn of the century magicians. See it. You won’t be disappointed.

To be continued…at my leisure.

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