Month: May 2008

JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY VI

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, jokes, May

Howdy ‘Redheads… Once again, I’m squeaking this one in under the wire to keep the streak alive at six. I have to admit, my noggin is going to have trouble squeezing out 10 of these, let alone 31. What ‘m saying is, I’m open to suggestions…gimme a couple cliffs to jump off of.

Before I get to today’s installment, I found something cool that I thought I’d share. I’m sure you’re familiar with the Red t-shirts that The Gap hawks with proceeds going to charity. Stuff like inspi(red) or ado(red)…well, I’m pissed I didn’t think of it first, but I found this in my internet travels yesterday…


I dig it, but I’m inherently biased. Anywho, let’s see how much more funny juice I can squeeze from this tattered piece of Nerf I call a brain. Time once again for…
JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY

We live in an age when everything can kill us. Phones, cigarettes, old age…life is a Star Trek episode, and we’re the ensign with the red uniform on the away team with the bridge crew. There’s one particular hazard that I think will be mankind’s undoing. We created this monster for our enjoyment and it’s only a matter of time before it destroys us. Diet Chocolate Cherry Dr. Pepper. This isn’t a beverage, it’s a run-on sentence. I hope Dr. Pepper is an oncologist, because this chemical cocktail is enough to grow tumors in sand.

‘Til tomorrow…

JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY CINCO

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Jared Stern, jokes, May, mayo

Hola, ‘Redheads… I hope had a tequila soaked Cinco de Mayo. I think a great product tie-in would be Hellmann’s Cinco de Mayo. All the great taste of mayonnaise with a hint of lime. No, that doesn’t count as the joke for this post. This one will be a quickie, though. My head hurts. So without further ado, here’s the latest bit of dynamite hack in today’s edition of…
JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY

In political ads, the candidates want you to vote for them, “for a brighter tomorrow.” I don’t want to vote for anyone that short-sighted.

Maybe the mayo joke was better…

See ya tomorrow…

JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY 4

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, lottery, May

Hey hey, ‘Redheads… I hope everyone had a funday Sunday. I just got back from seeing Iron Man at the Uptown. This movie was great. There was nothing that usually detracts from my enjoyment of a super-hero origin story. The action didn’t suffer for exposition’s sake, but they didn’t cut corners on character development either, there wasn’t an over-reliance on CGI effects, and the flick is genuinely funny in spots. A hoot. Geeks will want to make sure they stay to the very end of the credits for a fun treat.

So, we’re four days into May and I’ve already surpassed my blog load from April. I’m getting this one in just under the wire to keep my daily streak alive. Thanks to everyone who has given these a gander and offered some constructive feedback. I got some good ideas from comedy buddy, Mike Shader (there’s your shout out…go google), that I’ll share with you…

On your Jesus fish joke. The idea that some people who put a Jesus fish sticker on their car then decide that they can drive more like an asshole is a funny concept. I would not state it that the car “always has a Jesus sticker” since that’s just not true but maybe make it into a classic Jared math joke. 5 cars out of 100 have Jesus fish stickers on them. Out of 100 cars that cut me off 10 of them have the sticker. Jesus is clearly a bad influence on people’s driving habits. Or maybe there were caveats to his message “though shall be kind to others and respect their space…. unless its rush hour on the beltway and you are late for work… then cut the Jew off!”

Thanks Mike. That’s one to grow on.

Ok, time now for the fourth installment of…
JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY

The lottery has crept back up to the triple-digit millions, so in the interest of financial planning, I’ll be dropping a five spot on the American dream of obscene wealth without having to do anything. I think I have a shot this time. I’m going to steer the odds in my favor. I’m going to get a job at a meat recycling plant in Kenosha, Wisconsin. Then, me and the gals in the secretary pool will all put in a dollar and play the numbers of our grand-children’s birthdays. I have to promise myself the when I win, I won’t quit my job at the plant. It’s a lead-pipe lock. The only thing that might stymie my plans is I’m not 65, but you’re only as old as you feel…besides, my Wii fitness evaluation thinks I’m 71.

See ya on cinco…

JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY 3

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Greaseman, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May, movies

Howdy ‘Redheads… Oy vey, the pollen is kickin’ my ass today. You can set a clock by my sneezing fits today. Speaking of clocks, I woke up this morning in a time warp. When I got in my car and turned on the radio, who did I hear blaring out the business end? The Greaseman. He’s back on DC101 doing Saturday mornings, doing the same waddle-doodle shtick I grew up listening to in the late 80’s and early 90’s…

Oh, the magic of radio. Happy not to be pulling those rabbits out of my hat anymore.

Enough of that. To help put the turd in Saturday, it’s time once again for
JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY
Where I foist my feeble hackery upon you, the ever tolerant populace. And away we go…

I think it’s time for movies to stop using the phrase, “From the people who brought you…” to sell a flick to the movie-going public. Judd Apatow has had one or two critically acclaimed funny movies…and alot of people were involved in bringing them to you. So, now, every piece of celluloid that has anyone from those movies attached to it is, “from the people who brought you Super Bad and Knocked Up.” Just because a gaffer from one of those flicks is holding the boom mic for the next one off the Apatow assembly line doesn’t make it good. Remember, the people who brought you Star Wars also shoveled Howard The Duck into theaters. It reminds me of my mail man. The same person who brings me my Urkel toaster cozy that I bought on Ebay also brings me my bills. Joy and pain. Yin and yang. Starsky and Hutch.

I think that one has legs. Short, stubby, polio-ridden legs, but it’s a start. Any thoughts?

See you Sunday…

JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY 2

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May, monkey, tattoo

Happy Friday, ‘Redheads… Wow, two of these in a row. Merely coincidence. For those of you with money on the line, the over/under for when I lapse on this lark is 5.

Sidenote: I’m pissed at myself today. For the whole week, in an effort to decrease my intake of unhealthy crap, I’ve sworn off soda and beer for water. I’m told this could help me drop a pound or two and make my insides less of a cauldron of filth. Well, after resisting temptation all week, I folded like a cheap card table and sucked down a vanilla Frosty Float from Wendy’s. Delicious, yes…and evil.

And now, JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY… It comes to us from a friend on mine, who sent me this picture…

I originally thought this was a picture of her tattooed tummy. Turns out it’s just a nutty picture she felt like sending. As you can see, the tattooee (Luke Skywalker’s hometown) has turned the belly button into a monkey’s butt hole. I have a rule that I try to live my life by, which is this: Never have more than one visible anus on your body at a time.

‘Til tomorrow…

JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY 1

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Jared Stern, jokes, May, writing

Okay ‘Redheads… As promised, today starts JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY. Taking a jackhammer to my writer’s block and passing it off as blog content. No promises on quality. This is about frequency and quantity. I’ll sift through the crap and pan for gold afterward. Any feedback is appreciated. And away we go…

People always complain about getting cut off in traffic. Yeah, it’s annoying, but can someone explain to me why the car that always cuts me off is the one with the Jesus fish on the bumper? I know you’re looking forward to life in the hereafter, but let’s stop trying to take me with you. They figure they’ve already been forgiven, so they treat it like a blank check for being an asshole. If you’re born again, that’s great, but I think you should have to wait 16 more years to get your driver’s license…

Maybe I can tack that on to my “How Would Jesus Drive?” bumper sticker joke…

See ya tomorrow…