Month: January 2011

How I Wonder…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Magooby's, zodiac

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Week two of my attempt to mildly amuse on a regular basis is in the books, or the cloud, or whichever ether this mess is stored in. With another sheet torn off my 2011 word-a-day calendar, there comes another floccinaucinihilipilification disguised as an earth shaking discovery. Actually, it shook the heavens, or at the very least a Magic 8-ball. Apparently, the dates associated with the zodiac have been off for awhile. All these years you thought you were a gregarious, unassuming Libra and now it turns out you’re just an unassuming, gregarious Aries. Everything you know is wrong. The Chinese are laughing at us. They’ve had their astrological ducks (and the sauce) in a row for centuries. Now the planet tilts on it’s axis by a micron and we lose our celestial shit. I’m just amazed that we didn’t take this chance to completely rework the zodiac to something more celebrity-centric. Stars for stars, right? For instance, I’m an Affleck with a Bieber rising. Just remember, Earth, Wind, and Fire said it best, “You’re a shining star, no matter who you are.”

Speaking of prognostication that usually turns out to be wrong, I should probably give you my picks for this weekend’s slate of NFL playoff tilts. I have a feeling that it’s doing to be a bad weekend for anything that flies. The Packers will pluck the Falcons, the Pats will ground the Jets, and the Steelers will grind past the Ravens. The only thing with wings that’ll keep flapping into the next round will be the Seattle Seahawks, who’re playing the Bears, a team they’ve already beaten in Chicago. I was 2-2 last week, so I’ll probably be half right again.

Whatever general advice your horoscope gave you today, bend it to mean that you should go see a comedy show this weekend. There are tons of options to choose from in the DC/Baltimore area. I’m in two of them. Tonight, at the Comedy Spot in Arlington, VA and Saturday, at the Chesapeake Arts Center Studio Theater in Baltimore, I’ll be doing a set for the DC Comedy Lab. Click the link for info. Also, don’t forget that I’ll be carrying the baton in the comedy marathon at Magooby’s as they attempt to break the world record for longest continuous comedy show. All proceeds benefit Special Olympics. I’m on at 8pm on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. Check out a chunk of comedy for a great cause.

See you Monday…

All Glory to the HypnoPossum

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, cross eyed, Heidi, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, oppossum

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Well, 2011 is off to a rousing start. We’re not even two weeks in and birds are falling from the sky, Snooki is a published author, a homeless guy is the most famous man in America, and now, brace yourself for the next big thing…Behold Heidi, the German cross eyed opossum. Look upon her and despair. Isn’t it cute the way it looks like somebody glued a pair of googly eyes on it? She was featured on all of the morning news magazine shows this morning. She was offered free Lasik surgery by Meredith Viera on The Today Show. And job offers are already pouring in for Heidi. She’s been offered a lucrative endorsement deal from PetSmart, a fill-in hosting gig on Regis & Kelly, she’s going to squeak the national anthem at the Puppy Bowl, and there’s already a tv movie in the works, Playing Possum: How Heidi Crossed Her Eyes into Our Hearts, that’ll air on Animal Planet next week. Look for her to enter rehab by Friday.

See you then…

Hump Day Quickie

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, video games

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Happy Hump Day to ye. What’s left of it. I’m squeezing in a last minute quickie blog to keep things humming along, but it’s late and I have a sick girlfriend to tend to. Priorities, people. Case in point, a game that I’ve been following the development of for the last year or so just launched on Monday, DC Universe Online…

I’m torn because the game looks awesome and it would help me live out my 8 year old fantasies of teaming up with Superman and saving the world, but I’m 35 and I have a life. I can’t afford to get sucked into one of these massive online games for hours at a time, forgetting to eat, and turn into Gollum from Lord of the Rings. I’m having a hard enough time leveling up in the real world.

See you tomorrow…

Flurry of Activity

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, snow

Hey there ‘Redheads… A happy 1-11-11 to you. Not nearly as cool as November 11th will be, but I won’t begrudge you your arbitrary number celebrations. I can’t believe it’s still January. Man, this year is dragging. One group of people who’ll be happy when this day is over is local weather forecasters. Sure, I was 2-2 on my playoff predictions, but they’ve been about as reliable as a Magic 8-ball when it comes to winter storms in the greater (or slightly mediocre) DC area. First, we were told that two fronts were going to combine to give us our first big snow of 2011. Then, it was maybe 4 to 6 inches. Now, it’s a light dusting. As I look out my window at 5:30 pm, I’ve seen more flakes in a dandruff shampoo commercial. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not rooting for something that will snarl traffic and send people screaming to the store for enough toilet paper to stock Pepto-palooza ’11, I just want to see our paid prognosticators actually get something right. Stop teasing us. Not that it’s a tease for kids anymore, because the school districts are so reactionary, the mere mention of snow has them canceling classes for days. They didn’t get things totally wrong. There is snow, it just missed us high and outside. Philly up to Boston is getting buried. And I just learned that it’s snowing inside a house in Philly. My impossibly adorable niece and nephew got a hold of a roll of toilet paper, shredded it, and made it snow in my sister’s living room…That’s the funniest damn thing I’ve heard all day.

See you Wednesday…

Round Up 1.10.11

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Marshawn Lynch, NFL, playoffs, Seahawks

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Happy Monday to ya. An anagram for “Monday” is “dynamo”, which means “an energetic hard-working person”. The bulk of my Monday has been spent futzing around on the internet, howabout you? I had a pretty fun weekend, which was spent doing manly things, consuming red meat and pork products, guzzling beer, watching playoff football, and playing poker with money I couldn’t afford to lose.

I’m pretty happy with my NFL wildcard predictions. I went 2-2. I will always claim to be as accurate as a coin flip. The big upset, that no one outside of Seattle picked, was the Seahawks lighting up the defending SuperBowl champion Saints for 41 points. The back breaker for New Orleans came on an improbable 67 yard TD run from castoff Buffalo Bill, Marshawn Lynch. Every member of the defense had a shot at tackling him and whiffed like Charlie Brown getting the football pulled away by Lucy. Here’s a replay…

Amazing how far they’ve come with highlight technology these days. Another cool thing about that touchdown, the resulting ruckus created in the stands caused a goddamn earthquake. Up until that point, in the regular season, the only disaster on that field was the game play of the Seattle Seahawks. Philly fans have been known to cause odd natural occurrences too. They make it rain batteries.

Here’s some fun comedy tidbits to take note of. Starting Monday, the 17th, Magooby’s Joke House will attempt to break the world record for longest continuous comedy show. 81 hours. I’ll be making up an hour and a half of that, performing a half hour set on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday at 8:00pm. Proceeds from this herculean effort benefit the Special Olympics. Come check out a chunk of it and be a part of comedy history. This will probably be my only chance to get in the pages of the Guinness Book of World Records. If this doesn’t work out, I’m going to have to grow my eyebrows really long or something. Also, mark your comedy calendars for March 31st – April 3rd. That’s when I’ll be returning to the DC Improv to feature for Judah Friedlander from 30 Rock. Click the respective links for info and tickets. And maybe become a fan on Facebook, if you haven’t already.

See you tomorrow…

Picks n’ Flicks

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Ghostbusters, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, NFL, picks, playoffs, video

Hey there, ‘Redheads… It’s Friday, and my goal of consecutive daily posts, lackluster though they may be, has been met. I’ll take a break over the weekend and start back up on Monday. Still not sure if the week will fall into any kind of format moving forward, but it’s a start. I know, you don’t care, just type the funny. Ok then. Two things, then I’ve got a couple pieces of eye candy for you to suck on.

First, with the recent success of Ted Williams and his flood of job offers, I’ve decided to start writing all of my resumes on cardboard.

Second, the NFL playoffs kick off this weekend, so here are my picks for the wildcard round. I like the Seahawks over the defending SuperBowl champion Saints. You heard me. Outside of Reggie Bush, who’s three weeks back from a broken leg, the Saints don’t have any running backs. They just put Pierre Thomas and Chris Ivory on IR. Plus, the game is being played in Seattle, one of the loudest stadiums in the NFL. Also, my girlfriend is from Washington, so I kinda have to. I’ll take the Chiefs over the Ravens, mostly because I’m worried that the Ravens will succumb to whatever is killing all of these other birds around the world. Plus, I already picked the Chiefs for my rematch of SuperBowl I, so I gotta go with them. I’m in a quandary over the Jets/Colts game. I can’t stand the Colts, but I’d really like the Jets to lose, so the NY papers can make bad “Agony of De-Feet” puns about Rex Ryan’s foot fetish videos. Tie goes to the better joke, so I’ll take the Colts. Finally, in the Eagles/Packers game, I’m taking the cheese to stand alone. The Packers have the D to contain Vick, and this will be payback for when Vick came into Lambeau with the Falcons and handed Green Bay their first home playoff loss.

Here’s the eye candy I mentioned. First, the Ghostbusters trailer re-cut Inception style…

And here’s an uncle putting a whoopin’ on his nephew for acting like a thug on Facebook. The last line is classic…

See ya Monday…

A Murder/Suicide of Crows

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in birds, comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, unexplained

Hey there ‘Redheads… Thanks for feigning interest for a fourth day in a row. I have to admit, it’s tough coming up with stuff for this thing on a daily basis. Or maybe I’m just lazy. That’s probably it. Well, to help back that up, I offer you a video to fill your mild amusement needs for today. A video that fills me with hope. Please enjoy this sketch from the BBC show, The One Ronnie, that compares favorably to another classic British sketch, The Dead Parrot Sketch from Monty Python…

Speaking of dead parrots, is anyone else concerned about the recent rash of birds losing the fight with gravity recently? They’re taking dives like they were paid off by Don King (there’s a timely reference for ya). What gives? I’ve heard multiple explanations, from military microwave testing to bird cults, but none of it makes much sense. All of the medical examiners’ reports say that the birds, “showed signs of trauma”. Yeah, that’s what happens when you FALL FROM THE SKY. All of it seems like an M. Night Shyamalan rough draft. Here’s something creepy. In that town in Arkansas, where the first mass swan dive occurred, the population is only 4800 people. 5000 birds died. That’s more dead birds than live people. Enjoy your bucket of KFC. I’ll do some more investigating and get back to you.

See you tomorrow…

Hearing Voices

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, homeless, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Ted Williams, voice

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I’m trying to squeeze in a quick blog under the wire, to keep the streak alive at three. Happy Hump Day to ya. As happy as it can be, considering I did not hit the MegaMillions jackpot last night. Two lucky bastards in Idaho and Washington State now have the gross national product of Bolivia at their disposal. All is not lost, though. Opportunities pop up where you least expect them to. Take this guy, for example…

Thanks to this viral video, that guy, Ted Williams, is getting job offers from all over the world, including the Cleveland Cavaliers, ESPN, and the NFL. I think it’s great. I’m thinking of pitching a tent on the beltway to try to get some voicework, myself. The natural fit for him would be the host of a brand new game show, Homeless People Will Have Talent For Food. It’s funny to me that the media latches on to human interest stories like this. Show them a person that society has literally tossed to the curb with the slightest glint of humanity in their eye and it’s an uplifting story and people should give this man a job. I’m sure the guy selling flowers on the side of the road might be able to juggle. Why not toss him some temp work? Here’s a thought, why don’t we just help these people without asking them to sing “Puttin’ on the Ritz” first.

To be continued…

Jackpotting

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, lottery, megamillions

Hey there, ‘Redheads… The streak continues. Two days, two blogs. For now, it’s only coincidence. Tomorrow it’ll be a trend. Or, by tomorrow, I’ll be a mega-millionaire and washing down my Faberge egg omelet with Dom Perignon out of a Ming vase. That’s right, the Mega Millions jackpot is up to a whopping 330 million smackeroos. I’ve got five dollars worth of false hope that says I’ll be doing the Scrooge McDuck back stroke. How can I be so sure? Ancient Chinese secret. I’m playing my fortune cookie numbers. Numbers that have failed me in the past, but they were merely biding their time, waiting for the jackpot to reach a level where I can live comfortably once Uncle Sam takes his cut. Yesterday, I ate at an Asian fusion restaurant. It was just Asian food, but the place was nuclear powered. But I digress, because I can. It’s my blog. With a fortune like this, how can I fail?


The big question everyone is asking themselves is, “What will you do with the money?” For some, the answer is charity. For others, the answer is family. Not me. I’m going to buy an eye patch and hire some henchmen, because I’ve been itching to be someone’s arch nemesis and all I’ve lacked is the funding. If I do win the money, I’ll tell you one thing I won’t do. Play in a 3-4 defense. Albert was right, that’s for suckers. Until I’m catapulted to a higher tax bracket, I’ll stay huddled among the tired masses who feel the universe owes us a cosmic solid.

To be continued…

Round Up 1.3.11

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in 2011, comedy, Dick Clark, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, New Year's Eve, octomom, Pete Postlethwaite

Hey there, ‘Redheads… First day back to work in 2011 and my goal of daily blog posts is going swimmingly so far. This will be a cheap way for you to fulfill that new year’s resolution to read more while also neglecting the resolution to get more done during the day. Addition by distraction. I hope everyone bid adieu to 2010 in a rollicking fashion. My eve was spent sowing the seeds of a wicked hangover with good friends. We turned on the TV in time to see ABC wheel out Dick Clark to bum everybody out before the ball dropped. I know that New Year’s Eve is his thing, but seeing him is like seeing one of those ASPCA commercials with the abused and neglected animals. We realize they mean well, but it’s just depressing.

Speaking of pointlessly depressing displays, the Redskins’ season is mercifully over. Just to give you an idea of how crappy the Skins were this year, even if they were in the NFC West they still wouldn’t have made the playoffs. But this is the beginning of the most interesting part of any Redskin season in the last ten years, the off season. Rampant speculation about free agency and player job security is a cottage industry in DC. False hope is sold like foam fingers by this franchise. Expunge the pariah du jour and bring in another name that looked good on a fantasy team in 2005. Here’s my pick to click for the playoffs. Super Bowl XLV will be a rematch of Super Bowl I: Packers vs. Chiefs. Book it.

In the waning hours of 2010, I spotted this headline on the back page of the Style section of The Washington Post:

‘Octomom’ eviction on hold as landlord meets with porn producer

Allow me to sum up her situation, “Let these guys in or get out.” This is a convoluted Snidely Whiplash scenario. Instead of tying the damsel to the train tracks because she can’t pay the mortgage, the guy twirling his mustache is paying the mortgage so the damsel can have a train run on her. It’s mildly ironic, considering how many kids she’s evicted. All that’s left is to figure out the title of her porn debut. Eight Isn’t Enough, Octopussy, and Cockto Mom are all possibilities. Stay classy, Nadya…

Some sad news this morning as actor, Pete Postlethwaite, lost his battle with cancer. One of the best nebulous accents in showbiz. If you don’t know the name, you definitely know the face and the voice, recently in The Town and Inception, best known for his role in The Usual Suspects. Mr. Kobayashi, we hardly knew ye…

By the way, if anyone out there is looking to move to or near downtown Silver Spring, please to check out this listing of the former Stately Stern Manor.

To be continued…