Month: February 2011

Filler, Buster…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Mardi Gras

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I’ll level with you, I’ve got nothin’. This is just being written to fill space, so I may keep the streak alive. So, let’s see how long my stream of consciousness can go ’til it runs dry. Speaking of the streak, it will be coming to an end. March 4th is going to be my last planned consecutive entry. Pending a few details to be worked out, I’ll be on a plane to New Orleans for a double shot of debauchery, a buddy’s bachelor party and Mardi Gras, the next day. I don’t see much blogging getting done up through Fat Tuesday. Rest assured, you’ll get a big fat hungover entry of all of my fuzzy memories and thought out alibis from the trip.

I’m not sure what to expect. I’m excited, but I’m also filled with dread. Sure, this crosses Mardi Gras off my bucket list, but I don’t want to be puking into that bucket. I’m looking to have a good time, not a sequel to The Hangover. I’m an old 35, and most of the people down there will be hammered twenty-somethings. My heavy drinking days are behind me and I hate being caught in loud teeming mobs of drunk people, I don’t care how many boobs are involved. I may try to treat the trip like a safari. New Orleans is the natural habitat of the drunk tramp. It’s fitting that so many guys will attempt to track their mating habits. So, this will either be an amazing time, or my own personal hell. Many consider New Orleans to be the devil’s waiting room anyway. So, we’ll see. Nothing’s official just yet. Like I said, I’m just trying to fill space.

Before I sign off, Happy Birthday to Thomas Edison. Somehow it seems wrong to put candles in the cake.

Have a good weekend. See you Valentine’s Day.

Thursday Random Crap

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Harry Houdini, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, license plate, Papa John's

Hey there ‘Redheads… Today is a day of rest for me. I’ve had a couple late nights in a row, combined with teetering on the edge of illness, so my batteries are in need of a recharge. To that end, this space will be sprinkled with a couple quick observations you may have already seen on Facebook. But, if you didn’t catch them there, then they’ll be new to you.

I saw this on a license plate yesterday…
I was able to figure out that the owner of the car meant to say “Winnie the Pooh” (WIN-E-D-POO). At least, I hope that’s what they meant. At first glance, the message they send is “classy drunk incontinence”. If I ever got a vanity plate, this is what I’d get…
Guys, if you’re stuck on what to get your special someone for Valentine’s Day, fear not. Papa John’s has your back. You can order a heart shaped pizza. Aww, isn’t that cute? What better way to say, “Honey, you are the garlic butter sauce of my life.” Tell her that your love for her is so big that it clogs your arteries.

I’m pissed about the new Harry Houdini action figure that I saw at the store. If it was really Houdini, the package would be empty.

And finally, here’s a piece of eye candy for you to suck on…

See you Friday. I’m going to bed.

No NFL Make Fans Something Something

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, lockout, Madden, NFL

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I’m a solutions oriented guy. I hate hearing that two sides of a major issue are at an impasse. The impending NFL lockout looms over the sports world as fans brace themselves for potential missed games next season. Sure, the big sticking point for the players is the 18 game season that the owners are trying to push through at the expense of player health. All big issues. You know what the fans care about? Having to watch bowling because football isn’t on. Having to spend time doing chores and shopping with significant others. Having to actually do work because our fantasy football teams are playing golf. Having to resort to gambling on the WNBA (take the under, btw). Productivity will skyrocket. Fresh air consumption will go through the roof. Couch cushions will retain their original shape. The collateral damage will be tremendous. In order to avert this potential catastrophe, I offer a simple solution that will offer a suitable alternative to the fans in the NFL’s absence. Something to keep us locked in during the lockout. Two words: Televised Madden. Why not? The graphics already look damn near real life…

Get a player representative from each team, or a lucky fan, to take the controller from week to week and play out the season. You could even turn off the commentary (but it’s Gus Johnson, so why would you?) and have the respective network broadcast teams call the games. Don’t act like you wouldn’t watch. It’d be a better quality product than the UFL. Or they could always televise the Puppy Regular Season. I’m just spitballing here. Let’s just hope it doesn’t come to this. Get your poop in a group, NFL. The Redskins have horrible decisions to make and I have a fantasy football crown to defend.

See you Thursday.

Sick Day

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Lazy Teenage Superheroes

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I’m still sick. I wanted to expound on the ad nausea of the Super Bowl, but my head is in too much of a haze to cobble together anything resembling coherent or funny. Yeah, I know, what’s been my excuse up until now? Touche. Anywho, in order to keep the streak going, I’ll use the preferred method of hungover teachers. Put on a filmstrip and put my head down in the back of the room. So, enjoy this pretty awesome short film, Lazy Teenage Superheroes. It’s got cool characters, great special effects, an original presentation, and it was all made for roughly $3000. It beats the crap out of alot of big studio stuff out there…

Hopefully, I’ll be done with my mucous fueled dream quest by tomorrow. ‘Til then…

The Bloginning

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Christina Aguilera, comedy, Fergie, halftime show, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Super Bowl XLV, The Black Eyed Peas

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I’m just coming to after a combination of a humdinger of a Super Bowl and a wicked head cold. Benadryl is a hell of a drug. Yes, my nasal passages were rooting for Green Bay as they leaked green and gold all night. The rest of me was firmly behind them as well, mostly because I had $20 riding on them, but also because I picked ’em on this blog and I didn’t want to muck up my playoff prognostication streak. Congrats to the Packers and a special shout out to Kenyan Steeler fans, who are thrilled their team was finally able to win a second championship.

But the Super Bowl isn’t just about the game, it’s all of the pomp and circumstance that go along with it. Like Christina Aguilera, who looked suspiciously like Snooki in a blond wig, singing the national anthem, kinda. I wasn’t paying attention to her performance enough to catch it, but it lit up the internet like a Christmas tree, so I feel like I can expertly comment on it. I have a helpful performance hint that would’ve avoided this embarrassing flub. Rehearsal? Heavens, no. Civics class? No. Howabout you tattoo the lyrics on the inside of your eyelids, so when you’re soulfully closing your eyes to hit those unnecessary notes, you can make sure what gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. It’s not only one of the shortest, but one of the most ubiquitous songs in our culture. It goes “Happy Birthday”, then “The Star Spangled Banner”, then “Baby” by Justin Bieber. Luckily for Christina, she wasn’t the most horrendous performance of the night. That honor goes to Fergie from The Black-Eyed Peas. I’m not exactly sure, but I think when she started singing is when I started showing symptoms. I was excited for the halftime show, too, because I read an interview with Will.He.Is, and he said they were going to take it “to the next level.” Little did I know, he meant literally, as they were lowered from the top of the stadium to the…next level. What a shit show that was. The Peas are a great studio group, but as a live show, they make The Spice Girls looks like Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. Good thing they bought out the Lite-Brite aisle of Sam’s Club to help distract from the autotuned awfulness. The only real singer in the group is Fergie, who trained with the prestigious Kids Incorporated. Maybe she was just overwhelmed by the enormity of it all, or maybe her dress gave her a momentary epileptic fit, but all I know is it takes a pretty wretched performance to make me miss Axl Rose. It took some real restraint by Slash to not go upside her head with his guitar. Then, after the glowing cube heads finished prancing around the stage, Will.U.Ain’t asked the question, “Where is the love?” then “The Beginning” flashed on the jumbotron. My immediate reaction was, “Dear God, don’t let them start over again.”

The commercials, on the whole, were forgettable. It was nice to see that the pooches from The Puppy Bowl were able to score endorsement deals. Was it just me, or did every other ad have dogs in it? Could’ve been reparations from the whole Michael Vick incident. Maybe I’m just jaded, or maybe my head was too full of mucous, but nothing really stuck with me.

See you Tuesday.

Shellfish Shocked

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, eating, Hot n' Juicy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern

Hey there, ‘Redheads… It’s damn near midnight on Friday, so the streak remains unbroken. I just got home from a a fun night out with some pals, dismembering, dipping, and devouring crustaceans over at Hot n’ Juicy Crawfish over in Woodley Park. If that sounds familiar, it’s because the Las Vegas location was featured on Man vs. Food. It was primally delicious. There’s nothing quite like taking apart an animal with your bare hands, then slurping it down your gullet, leaving behind nothing but a pile of empty husks.We went through about six bags of mollusks, ranging from crawfish, to crab legs, to shrimp. And those that were not eaten, were made to dance for our amusement.

S’alright? S’alright.

Speaking of devouring, I’d like to share an awesome picture with my fellow dorks out there…Yeah, I’d say that’s a fair fight.

Before I sign off, here’s my pick for the Super Bowl. I take the cheese to stand alone. And for the Puppy Bowl, take the under.

See you Monday.

Good Pain

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, gym, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Results, work out

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Happy Chinese New Year…in bed. Wow, is it the Year of the Rabbit already? The time does fly. So, remember, a couple blogs ago, when I told you that I was going to the gym? Rockin’ the treadmill, breaking sweat like plates at a Greek wedding. Yeah, well, y’know what I wasn’t doing? Any actual exercise. When we redeemed the Groupon over at Results Gym last week, I signed up for a one time consult with a trainer, so I could make sure I wasn’t doing anything incorrectly. Well, that consult was today. The initial result? OUCH. I’m more lactic acid now than man; twisted and evil. I wince when I walk, I whimper when I sit, and I whine when I stand up. Then my girlfriend reminds me that I am a giant baby. She’s tough, but fair. I have muscle groups that have woken up out of a three year coma. My biceps are pissed because I didn’t maintain their haircut and my glutes can’t believe the president is black. This is what I wanted, though. The pain lets me know that I actually did something and begs me to never do it again. We went through a pretty basic regimen that included lunges, push-ups, dips, and curls. The lunges came first and after the second set, my legs turned to pudding. I was about as sure footed as Bambi on a frozen pond. And most of these exercises were done in front of a mirror so I could see my face contort with each exasperated rep. All of this will hopefully get my cardio up to a level of non-embarrassment. The goal I’ve set for myself is to run in Survive DC when it comes around again this year without wheezing after the first all out sprint. I’ll, of course, keep you posted. I’ll have a bag of frozen peas on my ass in the meantime.

See you Friday.

The Shadow Knows…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Groundhog Day, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Punxutawney, Terps

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Good news from the immortal Pennsylvanian prognosticator, Punxutawney Phil. He did not see his shadow this year, so it’s nothing but sunshine and lollipops because Spring is just around the corner. Unless you live in the 75% of the country that is currently being flash frozen by yet another brutal cold snap. It’s snowing in Dallas. It’s so cold down there, the Green Bay Packers decided to practice indoors. I think either Phil is going blind or maybe he was just being sarcastic. Y’know who else didn’t see their shadow today? This guy… I’ve been to Punxutawney and I know the inner workings of the groundhog illuminati. Read all about it.

In other news, the Terps take on the current incarnation of evil in the NCAA, the Cobra Kai of college basketball, Duke tonight in College Park. Duke is the only good team in the ACC right now and the Terps are young and inconsistent. Duke is coming off having their asses handed to them by St. John’s, so they’re going to be angry but the Terps always play them hard, including a close loss against the Dukies in their house. If we win, look for the plume of smoke from the celebratory couch burning. If we lose, look for the plume of smoke from the despondent couch burning. Either way, the Terps express themselves through charred upholstery. I just want them to play well and give a couple hard fouls to that sweaty orc, Kyle Singler…He hasn’t seen his shadow either because it ran away.

See you Thursday…

Tuesday News Day

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Egypt, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern

Hey there, ‘Redheads… After I got done with yesterday’s blog, I realized that I had neglected worldwide goings on in favor of a comedian’s hair. So, let’s broaden our scope and take a look at the news of the day. Like the ruckus in Egypt…Wait a minute. FOX News might need to fire a staff cartographer. To be fair, at least the map doesn’t have “BAD PEOPLE” scrawled on it in red crayon. Isn’t Egypt part of Africa? I have to admit that I don’t know where Egypt is either, but I’m not a major news organization. Ah, here it is…Good thing Egypt can’t be offended by the mix up, because the government TURNED OFF THE INTERNET. I’m not sure what effect that would have on us. We’d either take to the streets with a pitchfork app or we’d somehow adapt by learning to spell “LOL” with smoke signals. Two things regarding the decision to shut down the internet. First, where is the giant OFF switch located, and do Mark Zuckerburg and Al Gore have turn a key simultaneously? Second, I think shutting it down would have the same effect that Mr. Burns taking away beer and TV had in that parody of The Shining on The Simpsons. No porn and no email make Egypt something something. Apparently, this uprising was organized through Facebook. I’d like to see that event invitation. I can’t get five people to show up to a free comedy show. Now that I’m taking a closer look at the map, you’d think the people in Karnak would’ve seen this coming (anyone?). And they should’ve thought something was fishy in Tuna El Gabai (c’mon, people). There’s been widespread looting and they even ransacked the tomb of King Tut. Steve Martin will be releasing a statement shortly. If there’s one thing that will quell a revolution, I’ve got to believe it’ll be a mummy curse. Now, the big concern is whether this will affect our gas prices. That’s what I love about this country. A nation is in complete political upheaval, and we find a way to make it all about us.

See you Wednesday…

Hair Raising

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, hair, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Monster Jam, Orny Adams

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Everybody have a good weekend? Mine was pretty fun. I filled in as MC for a couple late night shows at the Arlington Drafthouse with comedy comrade, Tim Miller, and your headliner, Orny Adams. You may remember Orny from Jerry Seinfeld’s documentary, Comedian. He’s the other comedian that the camera follows around when it’s not on Jerry. A fun time was had by all. Even with the snow, people found their way to us to warm up with some laughs. Orny’s got a Comedy Central special coming out soon. I recommend you check it out. His look has changed over the past couple years. His hair is bigger. The reason I mention that is because I was talking about it with Tim and I remarked that he looked like Lord Whorfin from Buckaroo Banzai…Tim had no idea what the hell I was talking about. So, I went with a different reference and I said he looked like Heat Miser…Still had no idea. I’m not that much older than him. Are these two things that obscure? I get not having seen Buckaroo Banzai (but seriously, if you haven’t, rent it), but who hasn’t heard of Heat Miser? Is it a black/white thing? Help me out, people. Anyway, was I far off?Just sayin’ is all…

Also, because of my comedic responsibilities, I missed out on seeing my first monster truck rally. You heard me. Monster Jam was in town and, on a lark, a bunch of friends decided to go. I was pretty jealous that couldn’t partake in the white trash festivities. I’ve been to plenty of live wrestling events, but this is on another level. I’m sure it was a hoot and a holler. It’s not often that you get a chance to cheer on cars getting crushed by bigger cars, unless a Hummer backs over a Smart Car while parallel parking.

More on Tuesday…