Month: April 2011

Weekend Roundup

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Blessing of the Fleets, comedy, Guinness Book of World Records, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, mascots, pictures, Sakura Matsuri Japanese Street Festival, trivia

G’morning, ‘Redheads… I’m bright-eyed, bushy tailed, and I’m lying to you about those first two things, but I’m at the very least awake and able to type. I have to get this blog on the books early today, because my evening is spoken for and I can’t guarantee I’ll be home by midnight to keep the streak alive. Why so busy on a Monday night, you ask? Well, starting at noon today, the trivia arm of the entertainment company I work with, District Entertainment, is attempting to break the world record for the Longest Quizmaster Marathon at Caddie’s in Bethesda. The previous record is 32 hours and 15 minutes, so if all goes well, we’ll be finishing up tomorrow night at 8:00ish. I’m not the lead question asker, but I’ll be there assisting after I take my nose off the grindstone. If you want to wrangle a team to try to win the top prize of $1000, click here for all the details.

Since I don’t have a Monday’s worth of blather to blog about, I need to tap into my weekend reserves. On Saturday, I met up with pals, Chris, Allyson, and Eric to check out the Blessing of the Fleets at the Navy Memorial, where water from the seven seas is poured into the fountain in a ceremony to make sure our naval forces sail smoothly this year. Afterwards, the crowd was treated to Navy Bean soup, prepared by the White House Mess, which, with a little Texas Pete’s hot sauce, was delicious. They also gave out boxes of Presidential M&M’s. Needless to say, I went through the line twice. Before the ceremony, we got a picture with the Naval Academy mascot, Bill the Goat.We figured we had filled our costume photo quota, but as we walked through Penn Quarter, we ran into famed crime dog, McGruff.We felt safer knowing he was on whatever case there was to be on. Sniffing the butt of justice. When you get one picture with a mascot, it’s fun and random. Once we got two, it became a mission to complete the set. Luckily for us, the Sakura Matsuri Japanese Street Festival was going on nearby. Not only did it seem like a fun thing to check out, but we knew it would be a treasure trove of freaks in costume. It did not disappoint…We also missed the chance to get a picture with a Japanese NASCAR driver. A novelty to be sure, but he didn’t meet our arbitrary qualifications of a cartoonishly large head and unblinking eyes. Aside from the anime, there was all manner of Japanese culture spread out over several blocks, from calligraphy to samurai sword demonstrations. Well worth the $5 admission. And all of the proceeds went toward tsunami relief, so we could feel good about ourselves to go along with our sushi. Good times.

See you Tuesday. Or at the big trivia event tonight.

Three Fiddy

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, government shutdown, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, John Boehner, trash

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Welcome to the 350th installment of the blog. Yes, these arbitrary milestones are coming fast and furious since I started my consecutive weekdaily streak. I want to assure you that the blog will continue despite the impending government shutdown. I managed to secure funding through a grant from Matthew Lesko. For some reason, every time I hear about the government shutting down, I picture President Obama throwing a giant Frankenstein switch at midnight and the backlight on the display case of the Constitution going dim.

Many people, rightfully so, are in an uproar about shutdown, especially regarding the halting of services, like trash removal. Other people, like myself, are giddy that we’ll be able to park anywhere in the city for free. Anyone want to put a wager on when the plague starts making a comeback? A friend of mine started a grassroots movement on Facebook in response to the shutdown, that appears to have garnered some national media attention. It’s called “If Boehner shuts down the government I am taking my trash to his house”. As of right now, over 6,000 people have RSVP’d for it. If you’re interested in making John Boehner look like an orange Oscar the Grouch, click here for all the details.

I’m not a political guy. Trying to understand the Rube Goldberg inner workings of our government makes my head hurt. But I’m pretty sure, when I wake up tomorrow, the streets of DC aren’t going to look like a scene out of Mad Max just because a bunch of politicians decided to take their ball and go home.

See you Monday, unless we stop observing time between now and then. Hey, clocks cost money.

Reviewery

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Insidious, Jared Stern, review, Sam Raimi, Your Highness

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I just got back from seeing a creepy little flick called Insidious. I can now cross the first item off of the “Things To Do While The Girlfriend Is Away” list. Do yourself a favor and check this movie out before it fades away into the ether of Netflix. It’s worth checking out in the theater. I say this, despite the fact that I saw it for free. I would’ve been perfectly satisfied parting ways with ten bucks. To describe it in one sentence: Imagine if Sam Raimi directed Poltergeist. In fact, the movie very much reminds me of Raimi’s recent return to the horror genre, Drag Me To Hell. Both films do a great job of taking you on a sonic roller coaster ride. The music and sound cues in the movie really add the extra jolt to the scares. And it does a great job with pacing, drawing you in with hints of a shadowy reflection, then BAM! Demonface. It’s an original twist on the typical haunting/demonic possession stories that are in style right now. No “found footage”. No shaky camera work. Just a well executed premise. My only complaint was that I saw the twist ending coming, but it was still fun to see it play out.

Next on my list is Your Highness, which looks like it might have the chops to be uttered (or rather, exhaled) in the same breath as another Raimi classic, Army of Darkness.

Here’s hoping.

Until then, the balcony is closed. See you Friday.

Rock Out

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in 98Rock, bad habits, comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Justin Schlegel, Metallica

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I’m getting to the blog a little late today. I just got done rocking out in my car on the drive home from hosting my weekly trivia night in Bethesda. Some of you may have heard of my buddy, comedy dynamo, Justin Schlegel. Even though he just moved out to LA to seek fame and fortune, he hasn’t forgotten his old bay sprinkled roots back in Baltimore. In fact, he hosts the night-time show on 98Rock from his new digs in la-la-land. Anyway, I get in my car about ten minutes to 11, looking forward to Mandatory Metallica to provide the soundtrack to my aggressive driving. Well, Mr. Schlegel got the Metall-itch a little early, and treated us to this little ditty to wet our metal whistle. Extend your devil horns, crank up your speakers, and let your face melt like a fine fondue…

That was followed by two killer tracks off of Death Magnetic (that whole album is great), Suicide and Redemption and The End of the Line. Great ride home, is all I’m saying.

I neglected to mention that I am honey-less for roughly two weeks, as my girlfriend is away on a business trip. I miss her, but the toilet seat is where it’s supposed to be. Up. And it’s staying there. I wish I could say that my fart quotient has gone up, but I pretty much let loose regardless and blame it on a mysterious duck. Another gross habit that I engage in, with or without her, is picking my belly button. It is a never ending source of lint. It’s like someone put me together at the Build-A-Bear Workshop. When the weather gets hotter, I’ll be a walking dryer fire hazard.

See you Thursday.

Tuesday Random Crap

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, NCAA, UConn

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I hope this blog finds you well on a blustery Tuesday night. I’m still waiting on the footage from the Improv, so I give you another random pull from the lottery popper in my head.

One thing I neglected to mention in my brief recap of my weekend at the DC Improv, was the number of British people that came to the shows. Apparently, the exchange rate on my jokes is pretty good. I must’ve shook hands and exchanged pleasantries with at least a half dozen people who sounded like Russell Brand.

I would also be remiss if I didn’t mention the NCAA Championship game that was contested last night between the Butler Bulldogs and the UConn Huskies. It made sense that two dog teams were playing because that game was a steaming pile. The only thing uglier is Verne Lundquist’s jowls in HD. I was disappointed that Butler lost because I was looking forward to all of the hack sports headlines, like “BUTLER DID IT!” or “HUSKIES SERVED LOSS BY BUTLER” or “BUTLER CLEANS UP”. Alas, those dreams were dashed. Man, Butler shot horribly. I heard one stat that they were 1 for 25 from the paint. That’s only one more basket than I had and I didn’t even play. I was an inside presence for Butler from my couch. There were fewer bricks thrown during the L.A. riots in ’92 (Google it). Overall it was a great tournament, but that game was a crappy way to cap things off.

That’s all I got. See you Wednesday.

Back to Earth

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Judah Friedlander

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I’m recovering from a comedy hangover today after a stellar sold out weekend at the DC Improv with the World Champion, Judah Friedlander. Thanks to Allyson, Melba, Luis, Morgan, and the rest of the crackerjack staff for making it feel like home. And thanks to everyone who came out to laugh at me. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, DC Improv crowds are a gift. They’re smart, with it, quick on the uptake, and generally willing to go wherever you want to take them. Sure, they can be a little uptight sometimes, but that makes the laughs you get from them all the sweeter. Afterward, I got some of the best post-show reaction I’ve ever gotten. People who don’t go to a lot of comedy shows always seem genuinely surprised that the MC and feature are any good. One guy got a picture with me and told me he was adding me to a blog he writes about his favorite comedians. I shook a lot of hands and got some mileage out of the giant tub of hand sanitizer in the green room. My ego will be slowly re-entering Earth’s atmosphere over the next few days.

I also had the pleasure of working with the very funny Laura Prangley. It was pretty cool that all three comics on the bill were from the area. Laura is from Olney, I grew up in Silver Spring, and Judah is from Gaithersburg. Laura was nice enough to record a couple of my sets on her flip cam. I should be getting something postable at some point this week, but here are some pictures of me on stage in the meantime… More to come. See you Tuesday.

Pity the Fool

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Judah Friedlander, pranks

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Once again, I’m getting to blog activities early because I’ll be neck deep in the adulation of strangers tonight. If you still want to come see me at the DC Improv this weekend with Judah Friedlander, the only tickets left are for the Sunday 8pm show. No foolin‘. The rest of the weekend is completely sold out. Enough of the shameless self-promotion. That’s not what you came here for. Why are you here, exactly? Don’t answer that. Best not to question why. Don’t look a gift reader in the mouth. And I’m not going to try to pull any lame April Fool’s Day pranks on you either. Everything has been done. Besides, everyone I know is so jaded and skeptical that I’d pretty much have to fake my own death to get a reaction out of them. That’s too much work. And what even counts as a prank anymore? I’ve seen some of these prank shows on MTV and all of them boil down to waking someone out of a dead sleep, scaring the shit out of them, and/or kicking them in the nuts. No real planning, just taking advantage of a sleeping target. Like fishing with a hand grenade. Sure, there’s a big payoff, but it’s too easy. This, on the other hand, is one of the best YouTube-era pranks I’ve ever seen…

Then there’s the flipside of the heightened prank paranoia that today brings. When people tell you actual true things and you refuse to believe them because you don’t want to get had. I checked back in the blog archives and I don’t think I’ve shared this anecdote with you, but exactly three years ago, my buddy Seth called me to tell me that his wife was pregnant with their second child. Seth is like family to me, so I was very happy for him and I was psyched to be an uncle-by-proxy again. I wished him a hearty congratulations, then we hung up. Then I realized what day it was. I called him back and got his voicemail and I left him a message something along the lines of, “Ha ha, very funny. Way to toy with my emotions, ya prick.” He called back and tried to convince me, but I would have none of it, because he’s the kind of guy that would take a joke that far at my expense. I took me until his son was born for me to finally believe him. See you Monday. If you make it out to the Improv, stop by and say hi after the show.