Author: jaredsterncomedy

J/B/P/T-A-DAY IN MAY 9: Feelin’ Fine..

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Jared Stern, jokes, May, Price Is Right, Sharper Image

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s Friday night and I’m at home…blogging…in my underwear. The question is, who needs more help? Me for writing that or you for reading it. I was out and about earlier today, finishing up my Mother’s Day shopping. I was at White Flint Mall and I saw a sign of the economic quagmire (giggity-giggity) the country is in. Sharper Image is going out of business. The whole place, down to the fixtures, was for sale for 80% off. There were slim pickings left over: a Star Wars poker chip set, a glow in the dark dog leash, an exercise contraption inspired by the Spanish Inquisition meant to reduce love handles. It’s a wonder a purveyor of such necessities was going under. I did pick up something cool, though. A gaming chair that has speakers and a sub-woofer built in, for a more intense experience of sitting on your ass and getting carpal tunnel. The original asking price was $180. I got it for $40.

A quick note about my current consecutive blog streak. Unfortunately, it’s going to stop at nine. I’m going up to Philly to visit my sister and nephew for Mother’s Day. My computer access will be limited at best and I’ll be happily distracted playing peek-a-boo and got-your-nose with the Mo-meister. So, in the meantime, feel free to look back over the first bit of bloggage and hit me up with any comments, candor, constructive criticism, or anything else that starts with “c” (it’s good enough for me). I’ll double things up on Sunday to pick up the slack and get this exercise in self-importance back on track. Just nod and smile…groovy.

So, time for number nine, oh so fine, of JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY
Sticking with the theme of economic free fall…

The economy is pretty bad right now, but it can get much worse. I can’t wait to see a show like The Price Is Right in a couple years. There’s one of your leading economic indicators. It’s already a great way to track unemployment. Just look at the ratings. The more people out of work, the more people at home at 11:00 cheering the price of dish soap. But the real fun starts when the economy truly collapses. You’ll see Drew Carey up there, “What’s the bid on this $100 bill?” A peso and ten yen, Drew. Or, “What’s the bid on this BRAND NEW CAR?” TWO CANS OF SOUP!! Instead of new cars, they’ll just wheel out the full gas tanks.

Again, a fun jumping off point…any thoughts? Beuller?

See ya Sunday…

J/B/P/T-A-DAY IN MAY 8: Is it enough?

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, health food, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, jokes, May

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s been a long day. My bed is calling my name. The time between me hitting the “publish” button and my head hitting the pillow will be measured in seconds. So, let’s get to the start of week 2 of JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY. As you can tell, I’ve upped the number of blogs on the page to seven. So, if you miss a day or three of this cavalcade of craptastic comedy, you can catch up and make your life whole again. Ok, onward and upward…

This goes with the Dr. Pepper premise from #6 which, for the sake of taking up more space, I’ll reprint here…

We live in an age when everything can kill us. Phones, cigarettes, old age…life is a Star Trek episode, and we’re the ensign with the red uniform on the away team with the bridge crew. There’s one particular hazard that I think will be mankind’s undoing. We created this monster for our enjoyment and it’s only a matter of time before it destroys us. Diet Chocolate Cherry Dr. Pepper. This isn’t a beverage, it’s a run-on sentence. I hope Dr. Pepper is an oncologist, because this chemical cocktail is enough to grow tumors in sand.

This is hardly the first time that a soft drink has contained suspect ingredients. Cocaine used to be in Coca-Cola. They had to take it out, because it hurts like hell when you snort Coca-Cola through your nose. Have you ever done that? Ouchie. But making poison delicious is just what we do. A spoonful of sugar to help the cyanide go down. And if it’s a choice between eating delicious poison or crappy health food, we generally pick the poison. I can understand why. We all suffer from the same terminal illness. Life has a 100% mortality rate, regardless of how much granola you eat. I sampled a health bar today that claimed it was “chocolate and peanut” flavor. This is a can’t fail combination in cups and pieces, but when I bit into it, Reese rolled over in his grave (is he even dead?..well, he rolled over in his bed). Y’ever eat something so bad that it turns you into Robert DeNiro? (this would be a visual joke, but it would involve a hacky facial impression act-out) My body rejected it. I spat out a suicide note written by my taste buds. That was supposed to be good for me.

I think this might have a shot at working. I just have to un-muddle the message that I’m trying to get across.

G’night…

J/B/P/T-A-DAY IN MAY: ONE WEEK

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Apocalyptica, Baskin-Robbins, comedy, Jared Stern, jokes, May

Hey there, ‘Redheads… It’s still the 7th for five more minutes, so this one counts. Whether it’ll be worth counting is another issue (self-deprecation: check). I just got home from a great concert at the 9:30 Club. A Finnish heavy metal cello quartet by the name of Apocalyptica blew the roof off the joint. Do yourself a favor, click the link and give ’em a listen.

Ok…on with the jokey jokes. It’s been a whole week of JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY and I’m pretty happy that I haven’t let my usual layabout tendencies sink this ship just yet. However, in order to spread this joke jelly over a month long piece of toast, I gotta put my brain in neutral and fall back on the news of the day to fill the daily dose…

LOS ANGELES (AP) — The man who helped build the 31-flavor craze at ice cream store Baskin-Robbins has died at age 90. Irvine Robbins died Monday at his home in Rancho Mirage, Calif. Daughter Marsha Veit says he had been in ill for some time. Generations of kids trooped to Baskin-Robbins stores to buy ice cream flavors like Pralines ‘n Cream, Daiquiri Ice and Pink Bubblegum. Robbins opened his first ice cream store in Glendale, Calif., in December 1945, following his discharge from the Army. Robbins offered 21 flavors at that store. His brother-in-law, the late Burton Baskin, opened his own ice cream store in neighboring Pasadena a year later. The two eventually joined forces.

This one will be a choose-your-own-punchline:

As a tribute, his remains will be cremated and mixed in with the jimmies…
or
Baskin-Robbins will introduce a 32nd flavor, Irvine’s Open Casket Crunch…

‘Til tomorrow…

JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY VI

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, jokes, May

Howdy ‘Redheads… Once again, I’m squeaking this one in under the wire to keep the streak alive at six. I have to admit, my noggin is going to have trouble squeezing out 10 of these, let alone 31. What ‘m saying is, I’m open to suggestions…gimme a couple cliffs to jump off of.

Before I get to today’s installment, I found something cool that I thought I’d share. I’m sure you’re familiar with the Red t-shirts that The Gap hawks with proceeds going to charity. Stuff like inspi(red) or ado(red)…well, I’m pissed I didn’t think of it first, but I found this in my internet travels yesterday…


I dig it, but I’m inherently biased. Anywho, let’s see how much more funny juice I can squeeze from this tattered piece of Nerf I call a brain. Time once again for…
JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY

We live in an age when everything can kill us. Phones, cigarettes, old age…life is a Star Trek episode, and we’re the ensign with the red uniform on the away team with the bridge crew. There’s one particular hazard that I think will be mankind’s undoing. We created this monster for our enjoyment and it’s only a matter of time before it destroys us. Diet Chocolate Cherry Dr. Pepper. This isn’t a beverage, it’s a run-on sentence. I hope Dr. Pepper is an oncologist, because this chemical cocktail is enough to grow tumors in sand.

‘Til tomorrow…

JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY CINCO

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Jared Stern, jokes, May, mayo

Hola, ‘Redheads… I hope had a tequila soaked Cinco de Mayo. I think a great product tie-in would be Hellmann’s Cinco de Mayo. All the great taste of mayonnaise with a hint of lime. No, that doesn’t count as the joke for this post. This one will be a quickie, though. My head hurts. So without further ado, here’s the latest bit of dynamite hack in today’s edition of…
JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY

In political ads, the candidates want you to vote for them, “for a brighter tomorrow.” I don’t want to vote for anyone that short-sighted.

Maybe the mayo joke was better…

See ya tomorrow…

JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY 4

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, lottery, May

Hey hey, ‘Redheads… I hope everyone had a funday Sunday. I just got back from seeing Iron Man at the Uptown. This movie was great. There was nothing that usually detracts from my enjoyment of a super-hero origin story. The action didn’t suffer for exposition’s sake, but they didn’t cut corners on character development either, there wasn’t an over-reliance on CGI effects, and the flick is genuinely funny in spots. A hoot. Geeks will want to make sure they stay to the very end of the credits for a fun treat.

So, we’re four days into May and I’ve already surpassed my blog load from April. I’m getting this one in just under the wire to keep my daily streak alive. Thanks to everyone who has given these a gander and offered some constructive feedback. I got some good ideas from comedy buddy, Mike Shader (there’s your shout out…go google), that I’ll share with you…

On your Jesus fish joke. The idea that some people who put a Jesus fish sticker on their car then decide that they can drive more like an asshole is a funny concept. I would not state it that the car “always has a Jesus sticker” since that’s just not true but maybe make it into a classic Jared math joke. 5 cars out of 100 have Jesus fish stickers on them. Out of 100 cars that cut me off 10 of them have the sticker. Jesus is clearly a bad influence on people’s driving habits. Or maybe there were caveats to his message “though shall be kind to others and respect their space…. unless its rush hour on the beltway and you are late for work… then cut the Jew off!”

Thanks Mike. That’s one to grow on.

Ok, time now for the fourth installment of…
JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY

The lottery has crept back up to the triple-digit millions, so in the interest of financial planning, I’ll be dropping a five spot on the American dream of obscene wealth without having to do anything. I think I have a shot this time. I’m going to steer the odds in my favor. I’m going to get a job at a meat recycling plant in Kenosha, Wisconsin. Then, me and the gals in the secretary pool will all put in a dollar and play the numbers of our grand-children’s birthdays. I have to promise myself the when I win, I won’t quit my job at the plant. It’s a lead-pipe lock. The only thing that might stymie my plans is I’m not 65, but you’re only as old as you feel…besides, my Wii fitness evaluation thinks I’m 71.

See ya on cinco…

JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY 3

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Greaseman, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May, movies

Howdy ‘Redheads… Oy vey, the pollen is kickin’ my ass today. You can set a clock by my sneezing fits today. Speaking of clocks, I woke up this morning in a time warp. When I got in my car and turned on the radio, who did I hear blaring out the business end? The Greaseman. He’s back on DC101 doing Saturday mornings, doing the same waddle-doodle shtick I grew up listening to in the late 80’s and early 90’s…

Oh, the magic of radio. Happy not to be pulling those rabbits out of my hat anymore.

Enough of that. To help put the turd in Saturday, it’s time once again for
JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY
Where I foist my feeble hackery upon you, the ever tolerant populace. And away we go…

I think it’s time for movies to stop using the phrase, “From the people who brought you…” to sell a flick to the movie-going public. Judd Apatow has had one or two critically acclaimed funny movies…and alot of people were involved in bringing them to you. So, now, every piece of celluloid that has anyone from those movies attached to it is, “from the people who brought you Super Bad and Knocked Up.” Just because a gaffer from one of those flicks is holding the boom mic for the next one off the Apatow assembly line doesn’t make it good. Remember, the people who brought you Star Wars also shoveled Howard The Duck into theaters. It reminds me of my mail man. The same person who brings me my Urkel toaster cozy that I bought on Ebay also brings me my bills. Joy and pain. Yin and yang. Starsky and Hutch.

I think that one has legs. Short, stubby, polio-ridden legs, but it’s a start. Any thoughts?

See you Sunday…

JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY 2

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May, monkey, tattoo

Happy Friday, ‘Redheads… Wow, two of these in a row. Merely coincidence. For those of you with money on the line, the over/under for when I lapse on this lark is 5.

Sidenote: I’m pissed at myself today. For the whole week, in an effort to decrease my intake of unhealthy crap, I’ve sworn off soda and beer for water. I’m told this could help me drop a pound or two and make my insides less of a cauldron of filth. Well, after resisting temptation all week, I folded like a cheap card table and sucked down a vanilla Frosty Float from Wendy’s. Delicious, yes…and evil.

And now, JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY… It comes to us from a friend on mine, who sent me this picture…

I originally thought this was a picture of her tattooed tummy. Turns out it’s just a nutty picture she felt like sending. As you can see, the tattooee (Luke Skywalker’s hometown) has turned the belly button into a monkey’s butt hole. I have a rule that I try to live my life by, which is this: Never have more than one visible anus on your body at a time.

‘Til tomorrow…

JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY 1

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Jared Stern, jokes, May, writing

Okay ‘Redheads… As promised, today starts JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY. Taking a jackhammer to my writer’s block and passing it off as blog content. No promises on quality. This is about frequency and quantity. I’ll sift through the crap and pan for gold afterward. Any feedback is appreciated. And away we go…

People always complain about getting cut off in traffic. Yeah, it’s annoying, but can someone explain to me why the car that always cuts me off is the one with the Jesus fish on the bumper? I know you’re looking forward to life in the hereafter, but let’s stop trying to take me with you. They figure they’ve already been forgiven, so they treat it like a blank check for being an asshole. If you’re born again, that’s great, but I think you should have to wait 16 more years to get your driver’s license…

Maybe I can tack that on to my “How Would Jesus Drive?” bumper sticker joke…

See ya tomorrow…

Surface to Air Miscellany

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Cozzy's, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern

Hey there ‘Redheads… Thanks for keeping your breath bated as I kept you waiting for another dose of idle nonsense. I better have something remotely resembling something decent for you if I expect you to tolerate this constant tardiness. Well, sit back and enjoy while I broaden the definition of “decent”.

Yeah, unfortunately I don’t have a whole lot to report. I did just get back from a swing through Newport News, VA and one of my favorite clubs, Cozzy’s. Big thanks to Lorain, Karen, Jimmy, and the rest of the great staff down there for making me feel like Norm from Cheers. Not only was I the recipient of generous hospitality, but I got a chance to meet an area comic I had heard nothing but good things about, Hatton Jordan. His girlfriend, Jenn, was the MC for the weekend and he snuck in a guest set on the Saturday late show. The headliner for the weekend was Kevin Lee. Kevin is a prop comic/magician who juggles bowling balls, eats fire, and swallows swords. Pretty much my polar opposite on the comedy continuum. If there was a freak transporter accident during my set, Kevin would be the guy that would finish the show…c’mon my fellow dorks, stay with me…

I, uh…


Good times.

Segue…Apparently, I have a tiny YouTube sensation on my hands. The public’s ravenous search for video train wreckage to gawk at has brought them to a video I posted a couple years ago. I’ve shown you this 8 minute piece of evil before, in the hope that you would better know your enemy, making it easier to spot and thwart. Over the last couple weeks, the hits on this thing have ballooned from a couple hundred to about 5,000. Sign of the apocalypse? Perhaps. For your protection, you may want to view it through a piece of smoked glass. If you experience a dull throbbing pain in your psyche, close the window immediately. Please remove your belt and shoelaces and may God have mercy on your soul…

Those of you who are currently plotting revenge against me for tattooing that dreck on your mind’s eye, you can find me at Tagline’s on Thursday night with Freddie Vernell and Mike Shader.

I know April was dismal in terms of blog quantity. I haven’t been writing much material-wise recently. When I was at the Improv last month, my contribution to the backstage graffiti was, “Jared Stern told pretty much the same jokes…” Well, brace yourselves for another month-long stunt that’ll probably only make it a week. It’s JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY. To prime the pump and pick my brain up off the pile of papers it’s been holding down, I’m going to write something in this space every day in May. Something that’ll hopefully provide a jumping off point for some new usable material. Excelsior…or something.

Finally, on a sad note, a belated farewell to Adam Gregory, who passed away last week. Adam was one of the crew from Winchester’s, who started doing stand-up shortly after I did. Those of you up in Baltimore may have had the pleasure of working with him. He had a whispery voice that sounded like an inadvertent Godfather impression. He was a good guy and a funny fellow.

To be continued…