Category: comedy

Home For The Holidays

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Birchmere, comedy, Good For The Jews, Hanukkah, heat, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Magooby's, Xmas

Hey there ‘Redheads… I hope everyone is having a very merry and a holly jolly. Since the last installment, things for me have been less than cheery. Thankfully, things are on the upswing and I no longer feel like someone has a voodoo doll of me with a pin stuck in the ass. If you’ll remember, my car got stolen last week. Well, the most recent dollop of sour cream on that shitburger is that the blower motor on my heating system went kaput on Tuesday night. If you’re keeping score (and I do), that’s the hassle of a stolen vehicle and the inconvenience and expense of having no heat during the coldest time of the year. Apparently, I have some exotic heating system that uses a motor that was first sketched out on DaVinci’s doodle pad…so that has to be special ordered. The repair company has top men working on it right now…top men. I’m subletting my apartment to a family of penguins until everything gets found and fixed. Where am I living in the meantime? Glad you asked…with my parents…in their guest bedroom…on a day bed. I’m lucky they live close. I don’t have to worry about a hotel and they don’t have to go far to nag me, so it works out for both parties. I’ve been eating better the last couple of days, too. I had Wheaties this morning. The breakfast of champions…somebody get me a trophy with a couch on it. So, like I said, things are looking up…from a long way down…things got a crick in their collective neck from trying to look up. I got the call on Tuesday that the cops found my car in DC. Something about it trying to throw its brake shoes at the President. It’s in a tow yard, awaiting the insurance adjuster to assess the damage. Again, since it’s the holidays, that won’t be ’til next week. Here’s hoping it’s not a burnt out husk when we finally do get to it. Who knows? Maybe it’ll have more stuff in it than when I left it…like last time. If you’ll refer to to the vehicular retrieval post from 3 years ago…

Well, I’m happy to report that all is not lost…not yet. The powers that be recovered my vehicle, with minor damage, in SE DC. Apparently, it was involved in a robbery, then the assailants were nabbed and the perps realized there’s no reset button in the real-life version of Grand Theft Auto. I couldn’t believe my Jeep was involved in a robbery… I mean, you think you know a car. It’s out of my sight for a couple of hours and it turns into Patty Hearst. Alot of the machinery I own have criminal tendencies. My PC is constantly performing “illegal operations”…dealing heroin out of the hard drive.

So, I went to investigate the damage to the Jeep. The ignition: gone…well, not so much gone, but in the cup holder. There was also minimal damage to the driver’s side door, where they used the hobo’s skeleton key, a screwdriver. When I inventoried the contents of the vehicle, I found that, not only did they not take anything…they left a bunch of stuff. A pile of CD’s, a couple packs of children’s pajamas, and a Batman playset. I’m petitioning to add this as a Hanukkah Miracle, but the Torah revisionists haven’t gotten back to me yet. Armed with this evidence, I’ve put together a profile of the ruffian who took my car. I was jacked by a narcoleptic toddler with a hero complex and a burnt out subscription to Columbia House.

On the good side, I’ve had two stellar shows in the past four days. The first was on Sunday at The Birchmere, helping Good For The Jews kick off their “Putting the Ha in Hanukkah” tour. I had a very nervous stomach before that show. The guys did a fine job hiding their disgust while my gut was riffing backstage. My insides sounded like a drunk didgeridoo player. Not sure if it was nerves or if I carry stress in my duodenum, but it was not welcome as I was going over my material before the show. Big thanks to GFTJ and the fine folks at The Birchmere for having me.

The second show was on Christmas Eve at Magooby’s Joke House. It was billed as Comedy with Lobster Sauce, four Jewish comics, an all-Jew-can-eat Chinese food buffet, and an open bar…the menorah wasn’t the only thing getting lit that night. The inflatable dreidel hung from the ceiling with care, with hopes that our jokes would get more than a stare. I was joined by newcomer Dave Madow, Andy Kline (who looks Jewish, but isn’t), and Marc Unger. The place was packed and the crowd was surprisingly non-judgy. Good times.

I’ll squeeze another installment in before ’08 fizzles out…’til then.

Carma

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Birchmere, Carlos Mencia, comedy, Good For The Jews, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern

Hey there ‘Redheads… Before I begin this installment, I’d like to draw your attention to a blog a wrote roughly three years ago. I’ve italicized it, so your attention can’t help but be drawn to it…

This blog is for venting… Do not adjust your computer screens…

FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCKFUCKFUCK

My car was stolen today. Right in front of Stately Stern Manor. And if I wasn’t such a ball of sloth, it could’ve been avoided. Apparently, a guy had stolen another car… The engine started smoking, so he decided to dump that car. He did so in my parking lot, and my car was the next most available means of conveyance. FUCK.
I was inside all day, either watching football or playing it on PS2 (Go Skins in both mediums, btw). My parents are out of town for the week, on a vacation that was designed so they would be incommunicado and not have to deal with bullshit like this. If I had gotten off my ass to go feed their fish at an earlier point, this might never have happened… Some other poor shnook would’ve been out of luck on Hanukkah Eve. Or, I would’ve been in the vicinity of my car when this guy was trying to steal it. FUCK.
Luckily, aside from a couple CD’s (and if my insurance company is reading this: my golf clubs, my laptop, my plasma tv, and my bag of gold bullion), nothing terribly valuable was in the car. It’s just a big headache. FUCK.
The next entry will be funny and insightful… We now return you to your regularly scheduled whatever the hell you were doing…

So, apparently, one of my loyal readers really liked that blog, and decided to celebrate it’s third anniversary by staging a reenactment. Yep, my car was stolen…again. And things were going moderately well this week, too. I won a poker tournament, went to a fancy schmancy holiday party with a sundae bar, and got the high score on my iPod Tetris game. Now, this aggravation has brought all that semi-decent mojo to a grinding halt. Reduced to a pile of tinted glass shards on the pavement where my car used to be. That’d be almost poetic if it weren’t so aggravating. If it ends up playing out like it did three years ago, the cops’ll find it in SE DC with minor damage and with the abandoned spoils of a low rent crime spree inside. Here’s hoping.

But don’t cry for me, Argentina. I’m no charity case. Here’s a cause that everybody should get behind…speaking of theft…

Remember, for all of your ribald Hanukkah celebration needs, there’s a great show at the Birchmere this Sunday. The merry mensches,Good For The Jews, will be lighting things up and your friendly neighborhood bloggerino is opening for them. Click the links for tix and info.

See you there…

Gravy

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in American History Museum, bris, comedy, dorks, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, jokes, R2-D2, Star Wars, Thanksgiving

Hey there ‘Redheads… I wanted to shoehorn one more installment into Yesvember, before the last couple days were lost to food coma. So consider this a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade of gaudy, over-inflated, and poorly expressed ideas to help distract you from candied yams, Detroit Lions football, and the awkward interaction with the sap of your family tree. A big fat thank you for tolerating me thus far. And away we go…

I just got back from the bris for my buddy Seth’s new little munchkin, Ethan Perry…who will eventually be a member of the cast of the 2028 (when our already insipid retro ironic self-referential pop culture is hip again, ripping a hole in time…get all that?) revival of 90210, with a name like that. This was the second winky snipping that I’ve witnessed. Only slightly less cringe-inducing than the last one. The kid put up a bit of a fight, when he peed on the mohel right before the circumsnippage (look it up) occurred. For some reason, the mohel had a bluetooth in his ear the whole time, I guess in case of a last minute pardon from the governor.

On Saturday, I took a trip down to the newly re-opened American History Museum. The cosmetic overhaul was well done, but I found the content of the place to be a bit lacking, particularly the pop culture representation. Sure, the regular history stuff is cool, but I was looking forward to seeing Fonzie’s jacket, Archie Bunker’s chair, or Herve Villechaize (coulda sworn he was there). Well, none of that is there anymore. Here’s a sampling of what was on display…you tell me if I’m being unfair. One case was devoted to women’s basketball…you heard me. The next case over was hip-hop themed, with Grandmaster Flash’s turntable and Fab Five Freddie’s boom box. Across from that was a case with boxing gloves from Muhammad Ali, Jack Dempsey, and, of course, Rocky. Then there was a case that had Apolo Anton Ohno’s speedskates…c’mon, this is the American History Museum, not a silent auction for the ice capades. Next to that, was something that actually belonged there, Kermit the Frog. The next case contained another muppet, Oscar the Grouch, the puffy shirt from Seinfeld, and the ventriloquist dummy from the 70’s tv show, Soap. Then there was the centerpiece of the exhibit, the ruby slippers from The Wizard of Oz. It was a pretty paltry hodgepodge. No mention of pop culture heavyweights Superman, Elvis, The Beatles, or Mickey Mouse. Luckily, the museum didn’t completely slight Star Wars. They had C3-P0 by the main entrance of the museum among a general sampling of historical trinkets. There was also an appearance by R2-D2, who rolled and beeped through the halls of the museum under remote control, courtesy of the DC chapter of the R2-D2 Builders Club. According to their brochure, they’re an internet based fan club (shocker) with over 5000 members…cluttering parents’ basements worldwide. The droids they had on display were pretty impressive…give ’em a click and check it out. While we’re on the subject, please enjoy this chunk of dork meat…

And while we’re at it, here’s a second helping…

Ok, enough of that. Here are some random processed joke-like product that’s been kicking around in my head the last couple days…

The inventor of the slinky died. He fell down the stairs…slowly. Actually, he got stuck with three steps left to go and someone had to push him the rest of the way down…

I have a Siamese twin-size bed. It’s two beds, connected at the headboard.

I’m bothered by the phrase “take a nap”. Like it’s not yours. Where are people taking these naps from?
“Jeez, Bill, you look like crap. You get enough sleep?”
“No, somebody took my nap.”

Thanks.

Yesvember

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Bruce Campbell, comedy, George Carlin, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern

Ah, the power of positive titling. ‘Redheads, November started so full of promise. Two blogs in four days. Then, my usual sloth sets in and here I am apologizing to you two weeks later. So, I’m gonna try to write…tonight tonight tonight…whoa whoa. So, I have a couple cool things to report. I was hoping to have some cool pictures to go along with the report, but I missed out on a pair of prime celebrity photo ops. Instead, I’ll be peppering in some other pictures that I’ve already collected to spice up all these hum drum words.

Let’s wind back the clock to last Monday, when I had the distinct honor of paying tribute to the Class Clown, George Carlin. My dad scored some tickets to the Mark Twain Prize at the Kennedy Center. We got there about a half hour before the doors opened and we found our way to the red carpet, where the celebrity presenters were being interviewed by the various media. We got there in time to see walking mannequin, Joan Rivers, wave and attempt to smile at the amateur paparazzi that lined the hallway, snapping away with cameras and cellphones. Then came my first missed photo op, when Lewis Black walked down the aisle and was taking pictures with some people nearby. I was about three or four deep in back of the crowd, so by the time I got close enough to muster up the courage to say something to him, he was on his merry way. So, instead, here’s a picture of me with Judah Friedlander…


After we saw Denis Leary, Jon Stewart, and Lily Tomlin make their way through the media gauntlet, we decided to make our way to the main doors. While waiting for them to let us in, I ran into the only other DC comedian that I spotted that night, Brian Jett…wearing a suit…that’s like finding a filthy unicorn. There’s been some controversy over the content of the live show. The clips of Carlin that they showed seemed arbitrarily bleeped. In one clip, “shit” got through, but they bleeped out “goddamn”. And when they played the clip of the seven dirty words, it sounded like Morse code. Seems a little specious to censor a guy who did so much to point out the hypocrisy of censorship. C’mon, Kennedy Center. We’re all adults…take care of that crap in post. Aside from the heartfelt tributes, no opportunity was spared to celebrate the recent victory of Barack Obama. It’s a shame the special won’t air until April. The best line of the night went to Richard Belzer , who claimed to have gotten his hands on Obama’s inaugural address. He then spouted Arabic gibberish…classic (as I type this, he’s on The Daily Show doing the same gag).

My next chance to get snapped with a celebrity came on Saturday. Some of my dork friends and I went to the E St. Cinema to catch a sold out showing of My Name Is Bruce, which basks in the oeuvre of Mr. Evil Dead, Bruce Campbell (in case you were wondering, that’s oeuvre easy). A seemingly never-ending Fantasia broomstick army of pasty white people packed the theater to get a fix of b-movie schlock, mainlined straight into their retinas. Two bloody stumps up, by the way. If you’re at all familiar with his work, you’ll probably get a kick out of it. After the flick, Bruce came out for a Q & A session with the assembled throng. Probing questions about sequels that will never get made, obscure plot points, and hellish film shoots were fielded. Unfortunately, he did not make himself available for pictures afterward. Instead, here’s a picture of me with Henry Rollins…

I saw something today that warmed my cockles as the temperature dips below freezing. I saw a 1 in the dollar place on a gas station price board. That’ll make it easier for us to live out of our cars when our mortgages default. You’re going to want to hang on to those GMs, by the way…they’ll be collector’s items in about a month or so. I think if we’re going to bail out the auto industry, we need to lay down some strict guidelines…like 0% financing for 24 months…we’ll pay off their trade, no matter how much they owe…negative equity applies to new loan balance.

Before I get going, a mazel tov to my best buddy Seth and his wife Alison on the birth of their bouncing baby boy, Ethan. I’ll hopefully have a picture of the little pisher soon. Until then, here’s a picture of me with the Stanley Cup…

I’ll try to get another installment in before Turkey Day.

Meet The New Boss

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, election, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, McCain

Greetings from the other side of history, ‘Redheads… On Tuesday, the country had an election lasting longer than four hours…time to consult a physician. Mercifully, this political dust-up is over and we no longer have to hear about mavericks, message approvals, or any of that other crap that was cluttering our lives. I was enjoying how desperate McCain’s attack ads were by the last days of the campaign. I saw one that said, “You wouldn’t want a surgeon to operate on you with no previous experience, would you?” Well, no, but I also wouldn’t want one who was 73, couldn’t move his arms, and who’s nurse didn’t know Africa was a continent, either.

Now it’s done and, hopefully, we’ve picked the right guy for the job. Truth is we won’t know for awhile. His election is inspirational and historic, but I hope people don’t think this movie we’re living in is going to suddenly go from black and white to technicolor once he steps into office. Sure, the Democrats dropped a house on the Wicked Witch of the West Wing, but that house had been foreclosed on months ago, and the Lollipop Guild is laying off thousands of workers despite the high-pitched protests. The one thing we do know is that he seems to have the courage, the heart, and the brains to get us back on track. I’m pretty proud of that extended metaphor…I even synced it up with Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon.

We have a responsibility to uphold now too. By “we” I mean comedians. Listen up guys and gals. For years, we’ve fallen back on the stale stereotypical premise of “What if the President was black?” Well, now he is, so I’m calling for a moratorium on such hackery. We can do better.

Better than He’ll paint the White House black…
No, he won’t.
Better than He’ll put spinners on the motorcade…
No, he won’t.
Better than He’ll pardon a bucket of chicken on Thanksgiving…
No, he won’t.

Let’s rise above that level of Mencian twaddle and find some real reasons to mock Barack. Yes we can.

Ok, enough of the politicking…for now. If you’d like to hear some more, though, you could come check out the show at the Montgomery Drafthouse on Saturday. I’m opening for Daily Show writer, Adam Lowitt. This venue is shiny and new and could use you support. Tickets are only $10…a paltry sum for some high-minded hilarity.

To be continued…

Dorks In Their Natural Habitat

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, dorks, Facebook, Ghostbusters, Halloween, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern

Hey there ‘Redheads… I hope everyone had a fluffy nougat-filled ‘ween. Mine was fun. When it came to my costume, I did more waffling than the breakfast buffet at the Belgian embassy. Should I go low effort and rehash the old “Clark Kent mid-change into Superman”, maybe go the cute route with a clown nose, or should I try something new? I decided on the latter, dusting off a neglected cloak that I picked up at the Renn Fest a couple years ago. From there it was whether I went the route of Jedi with my plastic light saber (I sense you’re judging me…stop it…I can feel your look) or try to adapt an idea I saw in a Speed Bump cartoon. Again, option B won out. I give you The Grim Raker…


I ditched the the rake shortly after that picture was taken. It was a pain in the ass to lug around. Plus, the number of eyes that thing could put out is staggering. I was a walking insurance claim. Cool cloak, though…I’m available for children’s parties, by the way. So, my friends and I decided to forgo the usual overpacked Halloween party for something a little different. We went to the Warehouse Theater to check out Diamond Dead, a zombie rock show. We had previously been to one other undead rock show, Bite, the topless vampire revue in Vegas. This one was about a rock band back from the dead with a concert within a show vibe. These were zombies for change…midway through the show, a Sarah Palin look-a-like performed her own musical number, stripping down to a red, white, and blue bikini, while humping her toy shotgun. She was eventually disemboweled and eaten by the band. I’m sure that statement will seal up the flesh-eating demographic for Obama.

On to the title of the blog. Like many of you, I am a Facebookworm (patent pending). My day isn’t complete without sharing my status with my legion of digital chums. Well, on Friday, I posted this as my status: Jared Stern sleeps above the covers…FOUR FEET above the covers. A classic line from Ghostbusters. Here’s what that begat. Witness dorks in their natural habitat…

David D. at 12:20pm October 31
He barks, he drools….

Seth V. at 12:30pm October 31
It’s not Jared, Dave it’s the building

David D. at 12:34pm October 31
Cats and dogs…Living together!!! Mass hysteria!!

Seth V. at 12:44pm October 31
mother pussbucket….I could do this all day long

David D. at 12:46pm October 31
Yes, it’s true….this man is a dick…serve back to you, Seth…

Seth V. at 12:49pm October 31
I think the quote is…
everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here
they caused an explosion
is this true
yes it’s true …this man has no dick

Good lord I need help

Jared S. at 1:05pm October 31
Tell him about the twinkie…

Seth V. at 1:08pm October 31
well lets say this twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York Area…Based on this mornings reading it would be a twinkie 35 feet long weighing approximately 600 pounds

David D. at 1:08pm October 31
Let’s show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown….

David D. at 1:08pm October 31
that’s a big twinkie…

Seth V. at 1:10pm October 31
we’ve been going about this all wrong, this mr stay puffs okay, he’s a sailor, he’s in new york we get this guy laid we won’t have any trouble

David D. at 1:10pm October 31
I looked at the trap, Ray…

Seth V. at 1:13pm October 31
Symmetrical book stacking…Just like the Philadelphia turbulence of 1947…You’re right no human being could stack books like this

Jared S. at 1:13pm October 31
I collect spores, molds, and fungus

Seth V. at 1:15pm October 31
Listen….do you smell something

David D. at 1:17pm October 31
Ray, when somebody asks if you are a god, you say YES!

Jared S. at 1:20pm October 31
Do you want some coffee?
Do I?
Yes, have some.
Yes, have some…

David D. at 1:24pm October 31
Remember? The nice lady who paid us in advance before she became a dog…

Seth V. at 1:25pm October 31
Well this is great, if the ionization rates are constant for ectoplasmic entities… we can really bust some heads….in the spiritual sense, of course

David D. at 1:32pm October 31
Jared, your status message has satiated the beast that hungered within me…

Seth V. at 1:33pm October 31
Yes, thank you Jared

Patrick S. at 1:40pm October 31
Are you, Jared, menstruating right now?

Seth V. at 1:43pm October 31
What does that have to do with it?
Back off man, I’m a scientist

David D. at 2:00pm October 31
Ok, who brought the dog?

Todd B. at 2:01pm October 31
That’s Nova Scotia salmon. The real thing. It costs $24.95 a pound but really $12.48 a pound net after tax. I’m writing this whole party off as a promotional expense. That’s why I invited clients instead of friends. Try that Brie, it’s dynamite at room temperature. Maybe I should turn the heat up a bit …

Todd B. at 2:02pm October 31
Everybody, this is Ted and Annette Fleming. Ted has a small carpet cleaning business in receivership, but Annette is drawing a salary from a deferred bonus from two years ago and the house has $15,000 left at eight percent.

Jared S. at 2:04pm October 31
Where do these stairs go…?
They go up.

David D. at 2:08pm October 31
-What are you supposed to be, some kinda cosmonaut?
-No, we’re exterminators. Someone saw a cockroach up on 12.
-That’s gotta be some cockroach.
-Bite your head off, man…

David D. at 2:11pm October 31
-Ray has gone bye-bye, Egon…what have you got left?
-Sorry, Peter- I’m terrified beyond all capacity for rational thought…

Seth V. at 2:12pm October 31
Hi this is Larry King, the phone in topic…Ghosts and Ghostbusting. The controversy builds more sightings are reported. Some maintain that these professional paranormal eliminators are the cause of it all

Jared S. at 2:13pm October 31
Hello. I’m Peter. Where are you from…originally?

Seth V. at 2:14pm October 31
Is it possible that we have blown this way out of proportion and that Jared in fact does sleep four feet above his covers…using some sort of crazy rigging device that we just don’t know about?

David D. at 2:16pm October 31
-Egon, this reminds me of the time you tried to drill a hole through your head. Remember that?
-It would have worked if you hadn’t stopped me.

Seth V. at 2:19pm October 31
still making headlines across the country the ghostbusters are at it again this time at the fashionable dance club “the rose” The boys in gray slugged it out with a pretty pesky poltergeist and then stayed on to dance the night away with some lovely ladies who witnessed the disturbance…This is Casey Casem and now on with the countdown…..

Todd B. at 2:22pm October 31
I love this plan! I’m excited to be a part of it! LET’S DO IT!

Seth V. at 2:26pm October 31
I remember revelations 7:12 …and I looked and he opened the 6th seal and behold there was a great earthquake and the sun became as black as sackcloth and the moon became as blood

Jared S. at 2:31pm October 31
But if I’m right…Lenny, you will have saved the lives of millions of registered voters.

Jared S. at 2:34pm October 31
Who are you guys?
We’re the Ghostbusters
Who does your taxes?

Seth V. at 2:40pm October 31
Are you troubled by strange noises in the night
Do you experience feeling of dread in your basement or attic
Have you or your family every seen a spook spectre or ghost
If the answer is yes then don’t wait another minute call the professionals Ghostbusters
Our courteous and efficient staff is on call 24 hours a day to serve all your supernatural elimination needs
We’re ready to believe you

Fin. Go vote.

‘Weener

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, fondue, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, jokes, McCain, Wachovia, Wells-Fargo

Hey hey ‘Redheads… Blogtober is just about dried up and ready to fall off the babbling tree, so this’ll most likely the last chance to squeeze in some mediocre bloggage. And away we go. Big thanks to the fine folks at the DC Improv for an amazing show in the Comedy Lounge. I had the pleasure of sharing the stage with some of DC’s finest, Nora Nolan, John McBride, Joe Robinson, and Erik Myers. Great sets and good times were had by all. I did something that went slightly against type for me…I gave some untested topical material a whirl. I know, be still your beating hearts, but I rarely go off-script without testing the punchlines with a control group and a placebo. I took some of the flat, two dimensional words from the last blog, and inflated them into out loud jokes with appropriate pauses. These specifically…

I have some problems with McCain, which are purely superficial, but that’s how I roll. First, he says “Warshington“. Learn to pronounce it first, then maybe we’ll let you live there. Also, he whistles his esses when he talks…irks the everloving crap out of me. When I close my eyes, Obama sounds presidential…McCain sounds like a cartoon squirrel. And have you seen Cindy McCain? She creeps me right the fuck out.

Obviously, I couldn’t use the pictures to illustrate Cindy McCain’s inherent creepiness on stage, so I came up with this verbal substitute…

She looks like someone spackled the Crypt Keeper.

The audio is up on my MySpace page, if you’d like the audio book version. After the show, some friends and I adjourned to the nearby Melting Pot to go wade in a chocolate jacuzzi. Everything tastes better dipped in lukewarm chocolate. The table conversation drops off a bit when the dipping is going on. It gets limited to the phrases “Wow, this is delicious”, “Holy crap this is good”, and “Someone pull Jared’s face out of the fondue pot.” The fondue magic was sullied toward the end of the evening, when I looked down to see two cockroaches scurry across the floor…they were delicious. The conversation turned to city vermin which eventually led to rats. The following sentence was then uttered by a young lady at our table, “Let me tell you how disgusting rats are. So, I was taking a piss in this alley in Boston…” She kinda trailed off when the rest of the table stared at her with our heads tilted slightly. Take your time and let it sink in. While you’re at it, riddle me this. What’s wrong with this item…?


Make sure to congratulate this young couple. Apparently, they have a time machine on their gift registry.

Wells-Fargo recently bought ailing bank, Wachovia. They’ll be opening a new bank called Well-Fachovia. I’ll be here all week. Tip your waitstaff.

Here’s one last bit of political video before we yank the levers on Tuesday…a blast from the roughly 8 years past…

Enjoy your ‘ween…

Blog-o-ganda

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Bruce Campbell, comedy, DC Improv, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Playboy, Sarah Palin, Terry Tate, vote

Hey there ‘Redheads… Wow, two whole entries in Blogtober…this thing is really picking up pile of steam…yep, it sure is a steaming pile. I was hoping to find time to hammer out some fresh bloggage and luckily, my cable went out…so here we are. As of the last installment, the economy was in shambles. The Dow sunk like a turd after a beef dinner. And just to show you that no one is immune to this financial faceplant, I found this story the other day…

Playboy to eliminate 55 jobs in cost-cutting move

Playboy Enterprises Inc disclosed in a Wednesday regulatory filing that upcoming cost-cutting measures will include eliminating 55 jobs at the Chicago publishing and entertainment concern. Playboy also included in the filing a copy of a “Dear Fellow Employees” letter sent out to workers Wednesday, in which Chairman and Chief Executive Christie Hefner said the economy’s deterioration make it “unavoidable that we reduce our cost structure to reflect current economic realities.” Hefner’s letter spells out a number of cost-cutting moves, including consolidating facilities and reducing travel outlays and overtime. “Unfortunately,” she continued, the changes will also mean the elimination of about 80 positions in the company…”

Wow. 80 positions. I hope they hang on to Reverse Cowgirl…that one’s a keeper. You know things are crappy when people can’t even afford to jerk off anymore. These are dark times we live in. Which is why it’s so important to vote. See, this is the kind of public (I said “public”) service announcement that’ll get people to the polls…use one hand to pull the lever, so the other may yank the crank (message pending approval).

I found a couple bits of video that’ve helped me make up my mind. Check out Obama at the Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation dinner. It’s ten minutes long, but it’s an engaging ten minutes…stick with it…

He crushed. I expected him to drop the mic and walk off stage when he was done. I’m not a big issue guy. When it comes to picking a presidential candidate, I’m like a girl on Match.com…sense of humor is, like, sooo important. I think it shows a capability for abstract thought that is important in a leader. Besides, in order to be effective, you have to be, at the very least, charismatic. I have some problems with McCain, which are purely superficial, but that’s how I roll. First, he says “Warshington”. Learn to pronounce it first, then maybe we’ll let you live there. Also, he whistles his esses when he talks…irks the everloving crap out of me. When I close my eyes, Obama sounds presidential…McCain sounds like a cartoon squirrel. And have you seen Cindy McCain? She creeps me right the fuck out. She looks like Goldie Hawn from Death Becomes Her…



And don’t get me started on Sarah Palin…

Ok, enough politics. Here’s one thing we can all agree on, Bruce Campbell is a bad ass. He’s got a new flick coming out soon, called My Name Is Bruce. I’ll let the trailer speak for itself…

It’s coming to DC for one night and one night only at the Landmark on E St. on November 15th. Save the date.

Before I go, I must plug the big comedy show at the DC Improv Comedy Lounge on Saturday. Myself, John McBride, Erik Myers, and Joe Robinson will be on stage for your viewing pleasure. The weather is supposed to be wet and miserable, so let a smile be your umbrella and come laugh at us. Click the link for tix and info.

To be continued…

There’s Only One Blogtober

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Columbus Day, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, shark, Yom Kippur

Hey there ‘Redheads… Welcome back to Blogtober…being joined in progress, apparently. Kick off your shoes and get comfy. Perhaps you noticed the new title… I figured I’d try to spruce up the joint after three years, clean out the cobwebs, and give this mess a titular kick in the pants (yes, that sentence was just so I could use the word “titular”). I, myself, am fresh as a daisy after getting a year’s worth of sins power washed off my subconscious hull. I spent the day in synagogue for Yom Kippur. Atonement is a work out. Lots of standing up and sitting down…a prayer-master (patent pending), if you will. Anywho, my slate is clean. Time to start filling that sin quota. Speaking of which, I just got back from a particularly soul crushing hand at the poker table in my weekly league. I had 4-8 of clubs in the big blind and the short stack. The flop comes out J-8-3 with two clubs on the board. A couple of minimum bets of 600 come around the table and I call. The turn is an 8, giving me three of a kind with a suspect kicker. The bets jump up to 1200 and I call. The river is a 4, giving me a full house. I go all in. My buddy Seth, sitting next to me, calls, as does another guy. I’m ready to triple up. I giddily announce my boat. To which Seth replies, “Dude,” and turns over J-8. That’s what I refer to as a Jaws hand…I needed a bigger boat. Sorry for the poker lingo…just wanted to share my pain.

Happy Columbus Day to one and all. Anyone else find it mildly ironic that the Redskins got beat the day before Columbus Day? To make it a true tribute, the Rams should’ve renamed FedEx Field “Ramerica”. Or it should’ve been free whiskey and blanket day at the stadium.

Now, I realize that the world is falling apart around us. I get that many of you are looking for an escape from the bleak reality. A bright spot amidst the gloom. But, c’mon people…Beverly Hills Chihuahua?? Number one at the box office for a second week. I guess if you’re looking to put your brain in sleep mode for two hours, while you soak your soul in buttery-like product topping and Mexican stereotypes, then GOOOOAAAALLLLL, look no further. When I want an anthropomorphic dog movie to sooth my jangled nerves, I go a different direction..

Here’s a story that once again reaffirms my faith…

Shark “Virgin Birth” Confirmed
A female blacktip shark in Virginia fertilized her own egg without mating with a male shark, new DNA evidence shows. This is the second time scientists have used DNA testing to verify shark parthenogenesis—the process that allows females of some species to produce offspring without sperm.

…that God is a vicious eating machine. We’re going to need a bigger bible. That’s right, we may have witnessed the birth of Shark Jesus (yes, I resisted the urge to call him Jawsus…give me some credit). He’ll be able to turn water into chum, feed 5000 with just one surfer, and…swim on dry land.

A quick note just in case I completely shirk my blogging duties for the month. On Blogtober 25th, I’ll be part of a showcase in the DC Improv Comedy Lounge with John McBride, Sean Savoy, Roger Mursick, and Erik Myers. Click the link for tix and info. Should be a fun show.

Comedy kudos to fellow wordsmith, Mike Blejer, who is appearing at Off The Wall Comedy Club in Jerusalem on Wednesday. Very cool stuff. Be careful though, Mike. Over there, it’s the hecklers who bomb.

To be continued…

I, XXXIII

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in birthday, comedy, Funny Farm, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, poker

Hey there ‘Redheads… Long time, no type. I’ve been suffering from low blog motivation for some reason. Luckily, another stunt month is quickly approaching…Blogtober. Try to contain yourselves, really. Some time has passed since the last installment, and a metric shit-ton of blog worthy stuff has happened. Most notably, I recently became divisible by eleven. I turned 33 last week and have just recently finished the whirlwind celebration. Unlike previous birthdays in my thirties, I don’t feel much older this time around. For 31 and 32 I expected to look in the mirror and see Lance Henrikson staring back at me. Not this time…it was just another day with cake. By the way, there needs to be some kind of federal regulation on the sugar content of birthday cake frosting. I nearly went into a diabetic coma from a single whiff of the stuff. The cake should’ve come with an epi-pen. I’m just saying, I’d like to enjoy my 33rd without risking my shot at the 34th, to stick a fork in it without having to stick one in me, to have my cake and not eat it too…ok, I’m done (it’s been a couple weeks…making sense is not a high priority). Speaking of super sweet, I got a call from my impossibly cute nephew, Mo, and he sang his nearly two-year-old version of Happy Birthday to me. That pretty much turned me into pudding for the rest of the day. So, I’m older. And so is this blog, by the way. The official blog-iversary was the 15th. I usually break out the digital confetti and break down how many of you very patient people give this rambling mess a looksee, but this time I’ll just say thank you for reading and hope you stick around for another year of poorly crafted procrastination. Onward and upward.

I have been busy these last couple of weeks in the comedy department, travelling to Harrisburg, Greensboro, Baltimore, and most recently, Youngstown. Big thanks to Dave, Tony, Crystal, and the rest of the fine staff at the Funny Farm. This was my third time working for them in their third different location. The previous two were located in hotels, but this new one is a more permanent comedy compound that is a converted Damon’s Steakhouse. Nice place. When I pulled into the parking lot, I didn’t know what my accommodations were going to be. The lovely Crystal informed me that the club rented a nearby apartment for the comics to stay. Groovy. I got the following directions to get there: Go around the building and turn left. Go past the trailer park and look for the house with the Winnebago in front and turn right. You’ll see a four-unit apartment building on your left. I say again, ga-roovy. I got there and met the headliner, Bill Scott. He informed me that the cable was out, so there wasn’t a functioning TV. Upon further inspection of the apartment, we also found that all of the towels left for up were damp and moldy. And there was a persistent funk coming from…somewhere. My first guess was the crawlspace that I found in my room. It appears we were stuck in the renter’s sequel to The Shining. Luckily, I had decided to bring my PS2 with me to use as a DVD player, so we weren’t completely lost. The only other source of entertainment was a wooden cabinet that slid open to reveal an 8-track/record player/stereo. The knob for volume was labelled “loudness”. We found a selection of polka cassettes for the 8-track and an Up With People record, which we immediately attempted to play backward to summon a denizen of the netherworld who could appreciate this place. After the show was done on Thursday night, Bill and I went to the all-night K-Mart to grab some supplies for the rest of the weekend…they were out of holy water, unfortunately. I did pick up a fresh towel and a cheap deck of cards and poker chips. Luckily, Bill was a fellow degenerate gambler, so we spent a large chunk of time playing heads up poker. We figured we had nothing to lose.
On Friday, Bill and I went to the local mall to kill some time. While were chowing down on some mediocre pizza from the off-brand Sbarro clone in the food court, Bill dropped some knowledge on me. He was enjoying a grape Fanta with his cheesy shingle and he asked, “Do you know the story behind Fanta?” I did not. Apparently, Fanta is the brand that Coca-cola came up with so they could continue selling soda to Germany during WWII. They didn’t want pictures of Nazis drinking all-American Coke, so Fanta was born. Our sick minds wondered what the ad campaigns must’ve been like. I came up with Fanta: The final solution for your thirst.
On Saturday, emboldened by my success playing poker against Bill, I tried to raise the stakes of my disappointment, by driving 45 minutes to nearby Chester, WV to check out the Mountaineer Casino. Unfortunately, the one tournament they had running in the poker room was a $235 buy-in, which was a smidge too rich for my blood. So, since I had come to play cards and lose money, I bought in for $100 in chips and sat down at a $1-$2 no limit table. I won one hand as was feeling pretty good, then I was dealt King-Jack and the flop came Ace-King-Jack…two pair. The turn was a five. Then the river was a Queen. So there was a potential straight on the board that I didn’t have and the guy to my left raises to $40. I had already called previous bets on the flop and turn, but he didn’t seem like he had the ten. I called. I turn over my King-Jack. He turns over Ace-Queen. I begin muttering to myself. I think I spent more time driving to the fucking casino than I did at the table. That was worth it. Luckily, I sold enough CD’s to offset that lapse in judgement. Fun bunch of shows in Youngstown and Bill was great to work with.

This week, Oct. 1st – 5th, I’ll be hosting the slate of shows at my favorite club, the DC Improv. After four weeks on the road, it’ll be nice to play roughly 20 minutes from Stately Stern Manor. I’ll be working with Jim Florentine for the second time in three weeks. He was fun to work with up in Baltimore, so this should be a good week. Come check us out.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the current political and financial climate that is currently swirling around us like the ghosts that seeped out of the ark at the end of Raiders (don’t look at it). Sarah Palin looks like she won a reality show to get on the Republican ticket. I caught part of her interview with Katie Couric. The phrase “moose in headlights” comes to mind. I do, however, think that John McCain is the best candidate to lead us through the impending depression…because he lived through the last one. I don’t understand the bailout. I have no head for money. I had all of my assets converted into skee ball tickets. I just want someone to put it in terms that I can understand…

Happy New-Jew Year to everybody. It’s 5769 and still no flying cars…come on people.

To be continued…