Category: comedy

Drafty

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Banana's, comedy, cute, fantasy football, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, New Jersey

Hey there ‘Redheads… Wow, another month has flown past. September is on the horizon, and with it, some nice little nuggets of fun. None of those nuggets are comedy work, unfortunately. I appear to have shot my wad in the first 3 quarters of the year. My next 3 months is so thin, it makes Nichole Richie look like…less of a pregnant skeleton. I’m gettin’ desperate…

This week marks my second year here at Stately Stern Manor. I moved in right around when Katrina hit. I still have yet to host an official housewarming party. At this point, it’d be a house re-heating party. When I finally get around to it, you’re all invited…bring a bundt cake. Speaking of parties, there’s another one on the way. I turn 32 on Sept. 24th. At the very least, a candle will be stuck in the blowhole of a Fudgy the Whale. I have pretty high expectations for this year, though, as I’ve discovered that I share my birthday with a couple people that can stand to be around me…so, perhaps a mega-party can be arranged.

Of course, the big deal in September is the start of football season and with it, fantasy football season. This year, I’m playing in a league with a bunch of other comics, including a couple local favorites, Mike Shader and Kelly Terranova. We had our draft earlier this evening…I’m pretty happy with my team. The draft went as expected…except the yuck-a-puck with the first pick came out of left field and drafted Drew Brees. Here is your starting line-up for Team 2007…Shit’s Crazy:
QB: The Golden Boy, Tom Brady (NE)
RB: Rudi Johnson (CIN)
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew (JAX)
WR: Reggie Wayne (IND)
WR: Donte Stallworth (NE)
TE: Vernon Davis (SF)
K: Josh Brown (SEA)
DEF: New England
Yes, it’s very Patriot-heavy, but you can’t go far wrong riding that horse. The season can’t start soon enough. Let’s play some imaginary pigskin.

Before I go any further, I would be remiss if I did not thank the entire staff at Banana’s Comedy Club in Hasbrouck Heights, NJ for a great weekend. It started off slow as the ride up to the club was stretched out by a jack-knifed tanker truck that turned the last 4 miles of my drive into a 2+ hour crawl. Anyone who’s been to Jersey knows it has a distinct bouquet. I made the mistake of having my windows rolled down as I hit the meat of the turnpike. I think I singed my eyebrows. I was reminded of this classic scene from Kentucky Fried Movie…

…cracks me up every time.

On the way home, I stopped off in Philly to engage in my new favorite pastime, playing with my impossibly cute nephew, Mo. Brace yourself for the ensuing adorability…



Just when you think he’s reached the plateau of cute, BAM, he hits a new high. Buy stock in this kid’s dimples…it’s fiscally responsible…send the money to me.

To be continued…

The Thrill, the Agony, and the Indifference…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Michael Vick, movie idea, trivia

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s been awhile, but let’s just assume the apology is implied and move on…ever forward. Breaking news on this Monday, the 20th as Mike Vick has plead guilty and now faces a bit of jail time. Here now are some of the hack Mike Vick jokes that you have to look forward to for the next 2 to 5 years…

He was known for being a quarterback in the NFL, but in jail he’ll be a tight end…
He got in trouble for killing dogs, now he’s going to be someone’s bitch…
When white folks kill a dog, they pay a vet to do it…they also drive cars and talk differently.

…aaaaaaand scene. Enough of that. When last I got around to filling this space, I was gearing up for a couple of contests. When it comes to comedy competitions, the world is my oyster…and boy, do I shuck. No win, place, or show. I’m over it now, but I was a smidge bummed after my performance at the HBO Comedy Fest contest at the DC Improv. I was flattered to be there at all, but I was hoping I could back up the selection with a solid outing. The set started out well but, somewhere in my 8 minutes, I lost the crowd. They stopped reacting with laughter and gave me more of an “oh, isn’t that cute” reaction. Those who saw it say it wasn’t anything to be ashamed of but, in my head, I might as well have been chowing down on a turd hoagie during the last half of my set. My mettle got smelted and I got frazzled, so there goes my latest attempt to get free HBO. A big congratulations to Chris White and Erin Jackson, who got picked to represent DC in the regionals.

I had to quench my thirst for winnable competition…I was parched. Luckily, I was able to find an arena where I could flex my brain meat and come out on top. Trivia. I went with some friends to compete in some team bar trivia at Solly’s on U St. In round one, our team, Made in China, tied for third. Respectable, but I wanted to do some neck stepping. Round two saw us take the top spot (we tied for first) and with it a bottle of red wine…the fermented grapes of victory. Here are some of the more impressive answers I was able to scoop out of my skull…

Q: In Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet, what are the ten syllables that follow “Wherefore art thou, Romeo”?
A: De-ny thy fa-ther and re-fuse thy name.

Q: In Beverly Hills Cop, what were the names of the two detectives who assist Axel Foley?
A: Taggart and Rosewood.

Q: In 1938, Roy Plunkett accidentally discovered this chemical compound with an extremely low coefficient of friction. Its scientific name is polytetrafluoroethylene. What is it more commonly known as?
A: Teflon.

I am smart. S-M-R-T.

And I’m an idea guy too. I came up with the next great disaster/action movie. In the not so distant future, an eccentric billionaire coverts a decommissioned aircraft carrier into the first floating sports arena. He somehow gets the SuperBowl in there. Mayhem ensues. Die Hard meets Titanic meets Rudy. It’ll be a can’t-miss-adrenaline-fueled-thrill-ride.

If you’re around northern New Jersey this weekend, come check me out at Banana’s. Should be fun. There’s very little on the line, so I shouldn’t tank.

To be continued…

Play the Music, Light the Lights

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Baltimore Comedy Factory, comedy, DC Improv, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Welcome to, you guessed it, Blogust. Like all of the previous months with “blog” crammed into the name, I’ll continue to churn out the usual mediocre fare and try to dress it up so you think I’m doing something special for you…and fool myself into thinking you give a goddamn either way…
Tomorrow starts a nice string of shows this week, including two contests. Two separate chances to have my soul subjectively stepped on. Let the games begin.

Wednesday, I throw my hat into the comedy marathon that is the Funniest Person in Baltimore contest. I call it a marathon not because of its length, but because once it’s done I usually have chapped nipples and I’ve been beaten by a Kenyan. I’m usually lucky if I’m the funniest person in my apartment, so this’ll be a fun five minutes. I always relish the chance to play the Comedy Factory and, speaking of relish, there’s a Five Guys about a block away…I’m already a winner.

I won’t have long to lick my wounds, because on Thursday I head to the DC Improv to butt heads with seven of DC’s finest. The winner representing DC in Vegas at the HBO Comedy Festival Lucky 21 Showcase. I’m up against Rob Maher, Joe Robinson, Erin Jackson, Chris White, Seaton Smith, Randolph T, and Jon Mumma…I’m usually a gambling man, but don’t bet on “Jew” in this one. I’m just happy to be included. I cannot recommend this show enough. Sure, it’s a local showcase and you can see most of the participants for free on a given night, but rarely do you get an Ocean’s Eleven line-up like this altogether on one show. You will laugh lots. Click the link for tix and info…

Hopefully, I have some ego left for the weekend, when I skip town to play one of my favorite little clubs, Cozzy’s in Newport News, VA. It’s a fun joint, the staff is great, and they ply their audiences with jello shots before each show…what could possibly go wrong?

I should mention a couple comedy comings and goings on the local scene. There’s been a mass exodus from DC to NY. Too many names to mention, but I wish you all well…if you should need a key grip or best boy on your movie or TV show, please keep me in mind. There are a couple folks that’re taking a slightly longer trip. On Wednesday, there’ll be a send-off at Wiseacre’s for house MC, Brian McClure. He’s being shipped off to Iraq. Apparently, he’s bombed here so many times, our military considers his comedy weapons-grade. Please join me in wishing him a hasty and safe return. Also, a belated bon voyage to Jim Elliott. Jim moved to Dublin, where Guinness runs out of the faucets. He has a MUCH better travel agent than Brian. Jim, may your time in Dublin be magically delicious. And, finally, DC welcomes back into the fold comedy savant, Erik Myers. Erik has been walking the Earth (like Cain in Kung–Fu) for the last six months, solving mysteries, helping people, and searching for a six-fingered man. Now he’s back in town and poised to start snappin‘ funny bones.

To be continued…

Distraction and Datstraction

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, geeks, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, identity, Jared Stern, Otakon

Hey there ‘Redheads… Sorry for neglecting my blogular duties. I’ve been distracted over the past week. Mostly by comedy, but some other things have kept me from unleashing the 1000 monkeys on the 1000 typewriters of my soul (deeper than necessary). The perils of home ownership are also giving me fits. One of my walls is throwing an Amityville Horror hissy fit, courtesy of a leak in my upstairs neighbor’s washing machine. Lemme get a few thank-you’s out of the way, then we’ll shave off some blog meat, slather it with A-1, and dig in.

Big thanks to the fine folk at the Baltimore Comedy Factory, the Mid-Atlantic Comedy Smorgasbord, and Taglines, for allowing me to shuck and jive on their stages. I got to work with some of my favorite comedic talents, T-Rexx, Mike Storck, Kelly Terranova, and Seaton Smith to name a few…watching these guys work was a pleasure.

Some of you may have heard the rumors swirling that I, Jared Stern, patrol the streets of Baltimore when night falls. Perhaps, you saw the story in the news…

BALTIMORE — Soldier Killed in Shootout With Police Officer

A 25-year-old soldier from Fort Meade was fatally shot in Baltimore yesterday in a confrontation with a police officer, Baltimore police said.

The soldier, identified as Alexander E. Larkin, was killed in an exchange of shots in a parking garage in downtown Baltimore about 2 a.m., said Officer Nicole Monroe, a Baltimore police spokeswoman.

She said that the officer, Jared Stern, was working in uniform on officially sanctioned overtime when he came upon an altercation involving two men in a garage on Market Place. Each of the men in the altercation was accompanied by another man, Monroe said.

Apparently, I’m on administrative leave, pending investigation. The screwy thing is this took place over the weekend that I was playing the Comedy Factory. What the story didn’t mention was that the guy was a heckler…I don’t fuck around. I had a laugh with my parents, friends, and co-workers the next day…quite the coinky-dink. But, it didn’t end there. When I got home from work a couple days later, I found a folded piece of yellow notebook paper sitting on the front stoop of my apartment it had Mr. Stern please call scrawled on it. Within the folded paper was a business card that said…

Surveillance * Claims Investigation * Fraud Management * Trial Prep
J. Beska
Senior Investigator

…yeah. Needless to say, I was bit weirded out. So, I called the number on the card. I got the guy’s voicemail, left a message wondering what was going on, and got ready to go out. A return message was waiting for me when I got out of the shower, “Hello, Mr. Stern, this is Mr. Beska. Thank you for getting back to me. My first question to you is are you a Baltimore City police officer? If so, please contact me as soon as possible.” This guy, a professional investigator, thought I was the cop. Obviously, his investigation technique was the same one used by the Terminator to find Sarah Conner.

It’s a good thing I’m not a low-rent Baltimore vigilante (Wombat-Man), because there were enough costumed freaks in the area that weekend. Otakon, an anime and video game convention, was in town. And with it, a swarm of dorks, geeks, and various other species of pimpled awkwardness…

Welcome to VirginFest…

On my way home from the club, I spotted a guy on the corner of Lombard & Charles dressed as a Wii controller. A giant white plastic rectangle cube with the controller buttons drawn on and two Birkenstocked feet sticking out of the bottom. Dude, you’ve got all those extra lives…use one for yourself. You are Wii-tarded.

August is right around the corner, and you’re probably wondering, “Where can I find the correct Jared Stern for all of my comedy needs?”…I’m not a mind reader…if you weren’t wondering that, just work with me. Here’s where I’ll be…

Aug. 8th – competing in the Funniest Person in Baltimore contest at the Baltimore Comedy Factory…I need votes, so come check it out.
Aug. 9th – HBO Comedy Festival contest at the DC Improv…the line-up for this show is phenomenal…Chris White, Rob Maher, Joe Robinson, Randolph T, Seaton Smith, Jon Mumma, Erin Jackson, and me. Yeah, I know…I don’t know what I’m doing there either.
Aug. 10th & 11th – featuring at Cozzy’s in Newport News, VA.
Aug. 24th & 25th – MCing at Banana’s in Hasbrouck Heights, NJ.

Stalk away.

Before I go, here’s a short clip of my impossibly cute nephew, Mo, at the pool. Betcha can’t watch just once…

To be continued…

The Buckeye of the Beholder

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Funny Farm, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, movies, Ohio, Transformers, wow, Youngstown

Hey there ‘Redheads… Greetings from beyond the PA turnpike. I’m back from a great weekend of shows at the Funny Farm in Youngstown, OH. Big thanks to Tony and the rest of the staff for making my first time there a pleasant one. Before I get into the details of the trip, I’d like to let those who care know that my impossibly cute nephew, Mo, has said his first word. That word? Wow. That’s one of the things I love about the little guy, he appreciates what it means to be a baby…exploration, discovery, and drooling on those discoveries. Everything is pretty new to him, so it figures that he should be in a constant state of amazement…now he can voice it.

Wow, my uncle is a dork…

I can’t wait to talk to him about last weekend, so it can sound like someone gives a wet Huggie. Until then, I’ll settle for assuming that you guys do…

So, Youngstown was a fun trip. The club is in a Holiday Inn, nestled in the back of the hotel’s dance club. It had it’s own room, of course, but as the clock struck ten, you could feel bass that could dissolve kidney stones thumping through the back wall. It wasn’t terribly disruptive to the headliner, the very funny Steve Iott, but those of us sitting in the back had The Tell-Tale Heart told by C & C Music Factory (I Love the 1850’s). And the lights on stage were HOT. I’m pretty sure my shadow was burned on the back curtain. Steve had a great line, “I feel like I’m a boxer trying to make weight.” There wasn’t any blood or tears, but we sweat buckets.
I got a chance to buddy up with local Ohio comics, Katrina Brown, who was popping her club MC cherry on this gig, and Michael Malone, who did a guest set on the Saturday show. Both were very cool and funny, so I was batting 1.000 with nice folk to work with.

When it came to killing my Saturday, I defaulted to the local mall/movie theater. Usually a safe bet to shampoo the boredom out of a 3 to 5 hour rug. I had to catch up on my cinematic blockbuster viewing, so I plunked down $6.50 for a noon matinee of the flick that would test my fragile childhood memories, Transformers. Overall, I enjoyed it. The good outweighed the bad. First, the good: Hearing Peter Cullen as the voice of Optimus Prime made me feel 10 years old again. There were also some nice little touches, like the phrase printed on the Decepticon cop car, “To punish and enslave.” The movie was a pinata of eye candy, and Michael Bay took his directing stick and beat it until every piece of digital Dubble Bubble hit the floor. Action is his forte and every dizzying robotic clash was expertly executed…the final dust-up rattled my eyeballs in a martini shaker of metallic mayhem (alliteration, baby). Now for the dork complaints. Three words: Too many humans. The only two who were remotely compelling was John Turturro’s slightly eccentric head of secret group Sector 7 and the smoking hot love interest of Shia LeBeouf…but only because she was hot…seriously, her belly button had a separate credit. Also, it took way too long to get to Megatron and Starscream…it was a 2+ hour flick and they were first shown with about 20 minutes to go. Of course, they took some liberties with a couple of the characters, most notably turning Megatron into a jet instead of a gun, which is forgivable. What did bother me was the conversion of Devastator from a giant 6-robot wrecking machine into just a suped up tank. Overall, my childhood remained relatively unscathed. I sat through the entire length of the credits to see if they slipped in any extra footage, then left the theater. I was heading for the exit, when I noticed a father and son going to the adjacent theater to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I still had a couple hours to kill, so I slipped in for a double feature. I hadn’t snuck into a movie since The Lost World at a sold out Uptown ten years ago…ah, memories…me and my buddy sitting in our seats while two paying customers frantically searched for a spot. So, two first run flicks for $6.50…that’ll help the healing after paying full price to see The Hills Have Eyes awhile back. The new Harry Potter flick followed the same formula of the previous five, but this one was easily the darkest of the series so far. Ralph Fiennes did his best impression of a Marilyn Manson stunt double as Voldemort and they didn’t waste the talents of Alan Rickman for once…he was Hans-tastic. After spending roughly 5 hours in a dark theater, being bombarded by special effects, my peepers hurt somethin’ fierce. But I got my money’s worth.

This weekend will be a “Hilarious romp!”—Earl Dittman, Wireless Magazine. I’ll be featuring at the Baltimore Comedy Factory with the Hollywood Crushers, Adam Jacobs and T-Rexx. Do yourself a favor check out one of the seven shows on the slate. One show on Thursday and 3 on Friday and Saturday. It’s a much better comedy investment than seeing that new piece of garbage Adam Sandler opus…trust me on this one.

See you in Charm City.

To be continued…

Portrait of a Crappy Gig

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, gig, hell, stand-up

Hey there ‘Redheads… I haven’t got much for you for this installment. No cute baby pictures, no funny videos, not even a decent amount of charming self-deprecation. I wanted to get a blog in before I hit the road for the Funny Farm in Youngstown, Ohio. It’ll be my first road gig in about a month, and I’ll be happy to knock the rust off. Next week, it’ll be back to the Baltimore Comedy Factory to work with one of my all-time favorites, T-Rexx. Do yourself a favor and come check out one of these shows…he’s fuckin‘ hilarious…I’m okay too. And my good buddy, who recently shipped off to L.A., Adam Jacobs, will be back in town to host. Top to bottom, it’ll be a great weekend.

Now, you may’ve noticed the title of the blog. That portrait was snapped last Friday at a one-nighter on Maryland’s eastern shore. It hit for the cycle of crappiness: an audience unaware of the show, a sound system that made Stephen Hawking sound like Josh Groban, and it was the venue’s first stab at comedy. Like every black cloud, this one came with a silver lining which was the headliner I worked with. Michael Dean Ester, a cool guy who’s been doing this for 15 years and did his damndest to breathe some life into a dead on arrival gig. He described it best in his response to my email thanking him for his effort…

Jared,

Like I said, it will make a great story someday. If there’s a lesson in Friday night, it’s that standup comedy doesn’t work as surprise entertainment. You can’t drop a comedy show on an unsuspecting crowd. So, sometimes comics have to grab people by the short hairs to make them listen, then we can entertain them. That’s all I did. Somebody taught me a long time ago: Never let the crowd get away with not laughing at a joke. You have to call them on it, especially when your stuff is good. And your writing is strong. Unfortunately, the situation was stupefyingly awful. Nobody wanted to give the show the benefit of the doubt at first. So you have to leave them no choice. Refuse to be ignored and your confidence will win them over. Neither of us would be there if we weren’t professionals, but the audience didn’t necessarily come for comedy, so we have to work that much harder to make them listen. Once they’re listening, only then can we get a damn laugh.

By the way, I saw the booker in person on Saturday night and I told him what’s what. He did send a promo package with pix and posters to the club, but the dingbat manager didn’t bother to put them up anywhere (hence the surprise show).

The moral of the story: We blazed a trail, my friend. We suffered the slings and arrows of an outrageously shitty road gig so that others who follow may have an easier time and keep the room alive for the next time we go back and collect a paycheck.

All in a day’s work.

To be continued…

Independency

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, comedy central, dodgeball, drag bingo, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, July 4th, Kwik-E-Mart, Lewis Black, open mic fight, spud, video

Hey there ‘Redheads… I hope everyone had themselves a festive 4th of July. While watching the rocket’s red glare from the Key Bridge, I definitely felt less dependent. I heaved a case of Lipton iced-tea into the Potomac to give the celebration that little something extra…my apologies to the poor saps in the kayaks below. So, with the oddly placed holiday, it seems like it’s been awhile since the last installment (yes, I know, the waiting is the hardest part…especially when you’re waiting to put up with me). Quite a bit of fun was had on my behalf since then that I’ll be more than happy to share. First though, congratulations to local funnymen Chris White, Rob Maher, Marion Kendrick, and L.A. transplant Dawan Owens for being picked to compete in Comedy Central’s Open Mic Fight. They’re part of a group of 72 that were selected from a nation-wide online search…I’m pretty sure more than 72 people submitted, so it’s a pretty big deal. Sadly, I did not make the cut, despite sending them a dynamite set for their consideration. I’d like to think I was number 73 on their list (and number one in your hearts…five, at least). Here is what they chose to pass on…

Freakin’ dynamite…blowin’ up…they thought it just blew. Anywho, enough about me…let’s downshift into 3rd person and get into the great couple of days had by Jared Stern, shall we?

FRIDAY: I returned to my alma mater, Springbrook High, to check out a fellow alum, Lewis Black. I was class of ’93. He was class of ’66. Pretty cool, eh? It was a sold out auditorium with alumni from every previous class from ’66 to now represented in some way or another. What was amazing to me was they were able to dig up his math teacher, who probably could’ve been carbon dated. I’d never seen Lewis Black live before, and despite some high school AV issues, the show was amazing. And did he tone things down at all for the elderly or school administration in attendance? Noooo. About a minute in, he told anyone who didn’t get a joke to go fuck themselves. This is what high school math class daydreams are made of. After he closed the show to a standing ovation, he was presented with a football jersey. And he did the show gratis, all the proceeds going to scholarships. I’m sure they’ll name a bathroom after him, or something.

SUNDAY: What a gorgeous day. The first in several weeks which the air wasn’t chewable. Luckily, I was able to take advantage of it by going to a park party in Dumbarton Oaks, complete with frisbees, sport-related balls, and all sorts of other tools for recreation. It was a chance to bask in the joys of being nine again…except for the sangria. The other major stumbling block in our trip back to recess, was that our late-twenties, early-thirties bodies just don’t quite bounce back the way they used to. This was evidenced primarily in our game of Spud. Remember Spud (click the link if you don’t)? It’s a dodgeball variant that involves a lot of full-speed running and sudden stops then more full-speed running. After playing two spirited games with nine-year old reckless abandon, my body slowly began to rust. I’m not in great shape (I’m getting winded typing this), but I’d like to think I can handle a little bit of activity. Turns out, nope. The next day, I was one giant cramp. Pretty much crippled from the neck down. I was very close to renting a rascal to get around in.

MONDAY: I found out about a freakin’ sweet bit of promotional to-do going on right in our backyard. Turns out that twelve 7-11’s across the country have been chosen to be converted into Kwik-E-Marts in order to promote the up coming Simpsons Movie. Aside from the facelift, these stores will be selling Buzz Cola, Krusty-O’s, Radioactive Man comic books, and Squishees in collectible cups. In cities like New York, L.A., Denver, Chicago, and…Bladensburg, MD…about a block from where I work. Here’s a little video tour of the one in Burbank, CA…

I’ve been drinking an Squishee a day since Monday…eventually these collector’s items will be worth…at least half of what we over-zealous nuts are paying for them.

TUESDAY: I’ll just say it…I went to Drag Bingo. My friend Allyson wanted to go for her birthday, so a group of us headed down to Club Chaos in Dupont Circle for bingo…hosted by drag queens. Drag bingo. Sure, it sounds like fun. That’s what we thought too, but there wasn’t quite enough bingo and it was kind of a drag. I never thought I’d leave a place saying, “If they only played more bingo…” We played 4 games total in about 3 hours time, the balance of which was taken up by our three hosts strutting their…*ahem*…stuff and essentially demanding dollar bills. One guy looked like a Klingon in an evening gown. Another actually had boobs, showcasing the kind of plastic surgery that harkened back to this scene…

Of the three of them, only the Tina Turner look-a-like displayed any real showpersonship.

THUNDERDOME!! She entered. We left.

It was just plain odd. Now let us never speak of it again.

To be continued…

Live Free Or Blog Hard

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, cute, DC Improv, driving, feeding, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, I-95, video

Hey there ‘Redheads… Long time, no type. Sorry about that. Summertime, and the living is easy and whatnot. Luckily, the blog lag has given me a backlog of crap to spread on cracker and feed you (yummy). So far, June has been a pretty clean month for me, in that it’s been uncontaminated by comedy work. Business picks up in July and August. For your stalking convenience, feel free to print this on the back of a t-shirt…

July 13-14 @ the Funny Farm in Youngstown, OH
July 19-21 @ the Baltimore Comedy Factory
July 27 @ the Mid-Atlantic Comedy Smorgasbord in Frederick, MD
August 10-11 @ Cozzy’s in Newport News, VA
August 24-25 @ Banana’s in Hasbrouck Heights, NJ

Follow me like Phish…I’ll try to fit in a 30 minute jam session somewhere during my show.

Where do I begin… Well, let me start off by saying to anyone who was on I-95S between Delaware and Baltimore on Sunday night, FUCK YOU, YOU BRAKE TAPPING WINDOW LICKERS. Allow me to elaborate. I was on my way home from an extended visit with my impossibly cute nephew, Mo (pictures soon to follow) up in Philly. I was caught in the expected snarl of traffic that bottle necks at the toll right as you get out of Delaware. I was passing the time by doing shadow puppetry on the tailgate of the truck in front of me (that’s what YouTube was when I was a kid…damn whippersnappers). Y’ know that feeling of liberation as you get out of that kind of traffic? You pay the toll and there’s nothing but open road in front of you….BOOOOOOOOOORNNNN FREEEEEEEE…you hit the gas and you feel like Chewie just made the jump to lightspeed as the lane lines blur past you. Cruise control is set, you’re ready to make up some lost time, and then you SLAM ON THE GODDAMN BRAKES because some doddering shmuck is doing 65 in the left lane. Hey, putz in the Chevy Impediment, move over or I’ll find a way through you. If you’re going the speed limit in the left lane of a major thru-way, you’re a hazard. And what’s worse, is these puttering malignancies don’t look in their rear-view mirror, because objects are larger than they appear and they’ll just look like a bigger twit, so they can’t see me closing in. Now, I’m pretty mild when it comes to highway driving…my rule of thumb is 10mph over whatever is posted…not life-threatening. I’m happy to abdicate my patch of pavement if someone is coming up behind me at a faster clip…it’s the courteous thing to do. You move over, the flow of traffic keeps flowing, and everyone’s happy. Instead you get these rolling blockades that tap their brakes like Savion Glover on meth with nothing in front of them but their own bleak futures.
Aaaah…catharsis. Here’s a double dose of cute to take the edge off of that bit of road rage…



Seriously, you can’t dispute the cute of this particular patootie. Much peek-a-boo was played. I got so good at it, that even I didn’t know where I was. For a little while, my parents and I were left with the task of feeding the little guy while mom and dad ran a couple of errands. A sumptuous meal of strained sweet potatoes and vitamin-enriched yogurt was on the menu. We put on his bib and put him in his baby butler and proceeded to make a complete mess trying to guide the nummy nummy airplane into the hangar. We thought we were doing pretty well…until Mo decided it was time to get cranky. Wow, did he pitch a fit…contorting his little face into something out of an Edvard Munch rough draft. So, off with the bib and I picked him up to calm him down…as soon as he was up, he started smiling. The little faker was playing us like a fiddle…or a rattle anyway. So it went. We’d put the bib back on, get a few more spoonfuls in, then he’d wig out and I’d pick him up again. I like the kid’s policy…eat ’til you cry. Try it sometime…it takes longer as an adult.

Before I forget, I’d like to extend a big thanks to the fine folks at the DC Improv for including me in their first ever Variety Showcase. It featured stand-up, improv, sketch, and multi-media comedic endeavors. They showcased two of the videos that I did with comic compadre, Chris White. It was very cool to see Never Can Say Goodbye and Good Directions (both conveniently linked to your right) played in front of a nearly packed house and hearing them laugh loudly. Warmed my cockels. The evening was hosted by international raconteurs, Larry Poon and Jim Marsdale. Good guys. Larry had a bra thrown at him. It was that kind of night.

Also, please join me in wishing a bon voyage to the man of 1000 voices (and at least 5 kinds of facial hair), Danny Rouhier, who’s heading off to seek his fortune in the Big Apple. Fear not, though, he’ll be popping back up in the area…like funny herpes. The DC area will get flare ups over the coming months, but shouldn’t stop us from canoeing or hot-air ballooning or biking. Although, we should be more careful, seeing as how we just gave him to NY. We’re a dirty dirty comedy community. Supportive, but dirty…we should get checked out. I had the pleasure of seeing Danny off at a little not-quite-surprise get together over the weekend. Jay Hastings, Kojo Mante, Larry Poon, and myself represented the comedy circle of Danny’s massive Venn diagram of friends. One of the larger circles in there was of chicas mas caliente. In a sea of hot ladies, we were an island of awkwardness. It was like a study in social dysfunction. We just found a patch of floor and huddled around it while we drank and talked shit. Somebody intervene.

By the way, if you’re not busy this Thursday night, go check out the debut of a brand new comedy showcase in Adams Morgan, cleverly titled The Bomb Shelter. It’s at 18th & Red. It’ll feature 4 or 5 of the area’s best doing solid 15 minute sets. I’m not sure what time it starts, but 8 is a safe bet. Best of all, it’s FREE. So, your good time is guaranteed or…your…time back. I’ll get to work on the flux capacitor, you just go have a good time.

That’s all for now. I’ll try not to keep you waiting for the next one. If we don’t talk before the holiday, may the 4th be with you.

To be continued…

Blogado Gigante 3

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Brooklyn, Chris White, comedy, hang gliding, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Last Comic Standing, video

Hey there ‘Redheads… Welcome to the third Blogado Gigante, where I try to cram roughly 6 1/2 pounds of crap into this 5 pound bag I call a blog. This one’ll be chock full of derring do, funny video, and even a few words strung together into coherent sentences (only the best for you). This will probably be the last B.O.U.S. (blog of unusual size) for a little while, mostly because the well of interesting things, where most blog-worthy items are kept (constantly rubbing the lotion on their skin…), is looking kind of dry for the remainder of June. Savor this bucket, is all I’m sayin‘. Anyway, now that the obligatory excusions are out of the way…on to the fiesta.

First of all, a hearty congratulations to my comedy compatriot, Chris White, on his network television debut on last night’s premiere episode of NBC’s Last Comic Standing. They gave him some boku freckled face time in the NY segment. Not only did they feature his audition, but he was given a couple behind-the-scenes confessional moments too. If you didn’t catch the show, fear not, they’re rerunning it Sunday night at 9:00…and, like any NBC reality show, it’ll be running on a friggin‘ loop on Bravo between Kathy Griffin specials and Inside the Actors Studio. First NBC’s Last Comic Standing…HBO’s Real Sex can’t be far behind. It’s been cool to see some locals on a national stage. Rory Scovel recently rocked Comedy Central’s Live at Gotham. And, you can see Danny Rouhier in theaters everywhere this weekend as The Human Torch in Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer…

Good talk, Doom.

So, on Sunday, I checked another item off my 100 Things To Do Before I Die list… I hang-glid…hang-glode…hang-glidded…strapped myself to a kite at 2500 feet (I’ll learn how to conjugate it at some point). Sweet buttery Jesus, was it fun. Exhilarating…like, Sprite commercial refreshing. Now, when I signed up for this little excursion, my knowledge of the activity was pretty basic…hold on to this big-ass paper airplane and jump off a cliff. Luckily, there’s a bit more to it than that, including a sleeping bag-like safety harness. I was also wrong about how to start gliding. Instead of jumping off a precipice, you get towed by a mini-plane. It’s as cool as it sounds. Unfortunately, the on-board cameras were on the fritz, so I didn’t get any in-flight pics, but here’s a look at the prep for take-off and after the landing…

Turn and cough.


Believe it or not, it’s just me…sing along.

Yes, I’m the putz who wears a Superman shirt hang gliding.

Damn…I left my keys up there.

It was a 15 or so minute flight, complete with a lesson in steering (which is surprisingly easy). I recommend this to everybody. It’s seven kinds of awesome. Do yourself a favor and check out the guys at Highland Aerosports, you won’t regret it.

On Saturday, I made a reluctant return to a venue I played about three years ago, when I was first dipping my toe into the bitter cold lake of road comicry. It’s a one-nighter on the outskirts of Baltimore in Brooklyn, MD. When I did this gig last time, I was a jittery MC who was out of his depth when faced with a crowd who wasn’t exactly into subtlety. It was a freakin‘ mouth-breathers convention…a 10 minute long turdburger of a set as my punchlines flew over their heads and splatted on the back wall. So, when I got the call to go back as the middle act, I didn’t relish the idea of hitting the potential 30 minute turd buffet that lay ahead. When I got there, I surveyed the room, a quaint little hall, seating about 100 folk. Upon first inspection, they seemed like they had a good collective head on their shoulders. My bewilderment was slowly subsiding, but I still kept my expectations limbo-champion low. Then I got a chance to meet the other comics on the bill, Ray Culver, Joe Fulton, and the headliner, Johnny Watson. As we made small talk, I found that he was in the same mind set that I was, ending every other exchange with the phrase, “Well, we’ll see how they are…” The show started and the MC got things off to an expected tepid start, mostly because he was focusing less on material and more on engaging people in conversation. He finished well, and then handed things off to me. Whatever I was expecting was flipped on its ear in a Twilight Zone ending of a reversal. These people were great. They laughed at everything, from the excremental to the semantic, with zeal. And not only were they a fun crowd, but they bought 7 CDs. Goes to show you never can tell…just do your act and have fun.

Like most of you, I like me weird sports names. The best example being offensive tackle, D’Brickashaw Ferguson of the NY Jets. Well, I found a new gem in the world of baseball. Boof Bonser. I think he’s a pitcher for Cleveland. Boof. Five bucks says this dude is Australian. The same people who brought you Yahoo Serious. He’s onomatopoeia. Apparently, his parents were fans of the 60’s Batman TV show. Just ask his sister, Kazowie.

CAPTION!

Before I close up the blog shop, here are a couple moving pictures for your retinal pleasure…
This first one is for the Monty Python fans out there. This is a brilliant premise for a video prank. The set-up is included in the video, but it’s an ingenious reversal of fortune against those Nigerian scam artists that pollute the internet. Check it out…

The second is the latest video collaboration with the aforementioned Chris White (our other vids are conveniently linked to your right). It involves a first date and an in-dash navigation system…a sure-fire comedy combo. Trust me, it’s funny…and short. Please to be hitting the left click and enjoying Good Directions…

To be continued…

Blogado Gigante 2

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jimmy Fallon, mall walking, video

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I hope everyone had a great couple of weekends. The details of mine are forthcoming. Lucky for the both of us, they might actually be worth a glance. This installment is chock full of positive mojo…so, feel free to grab a little vicarious pick-me-up. For those of you keeping track, we’ll be working backwards from this past weekend. And away we go…

Big thanks to Vera, John, Pat and the rest of the great staff of Banana’s Comedy Club in Poughkeepsie, NY. I had the distinct pleasure of working with Joe Devito and fellow local funnyman, Big Al Goodwin. The club has been around in various locations since 1984, and a lot of big time comedy stars have passed through their doors. And, like any established club, every once and awhile a big name will stop by for a guest set. Friday night was one of those once in awhiles, when former SNL’er Jimmy Fallon popped in with his guitar to strum his new song, Car Wash For Peace, the proceeds of which benefit the troops. My opinion of Mr. Fallon has increased exponentially. He stayed for the whole show, stuck around to take pictures, and he insisted on buying my and Al’s CD…paying with a $20 and refusing change. I signed the CD, “Jimmy, I have a feeling you’re going to make it…” (and I slipped in a business card).

Hopefully, this will be the poster for Taxi 2: Fare Game

To kill time on Saturday, Al and I went mall-walking. A couple observations… Did you know Best Buy sold books? Maybe out of guilt. Seems to me that Best Buy trafficks in the downfall of the written word. It’s like selling baby rattles at an abortion clinic (that was harsh). Y’know what’d be the perfect book for Best Buy…a high-definition dictionary.
Generally, mall-walking is supposed to burn calories, but all that was shot to hell when we happened upon a girl scout troop peddling their boxes of crunchy goodness. Nothing brightens your day like the chocolate encrusted smile that comes from eating a sleeve of Thin Mints, which should be the serving size, by the way.
After we got done at the galleria, we drove a bit further down the road to the local ghetto mall, where they had a rare sight in these times of bloated overpriced movie megaplexes, the $2 theatre. We checked out 300 with the appropriate level of expectations, since we didn’t blow a 10 spot on a ticket. I enjoyed it, but it wasn’t the kind of mind-blowing cinematic experience some people made it out to be. It was like Gladiator meets Braveheart meets a Tae-Bo workout tape…and one, and spear-thrust, and two, and SPARTA!! Abs you could grate cheese on…sheesh. Leonidas was a great king for one reason and one reason only…Sparta had an amazing dental plan.

Belated congratulations to all those who participated in the showcase finals at the DC Improv last week. It was a solid show, top to bottom. Pete Bergen, Kojo Mante, Tim Miller, John McBride, Jason Weems, Aparna Nancherla, and Mike Way kept the stream of funny steady and strong. Any one of five different people could’ve taken home the grand prize without any dispute. That distinction went to Mike Way. After the show, a bunch of us went to Lucky Bar and ended up tipping back a few with some of the Improv staff at the outdoor portion of the bar, where the comedy of DC drunken street-life picked up the slack after the show was over. The shadow-boxing homeless guy opened for the emergency vehicles responding to an incident inside the posh club next door. As soon as the ambulance pulled up, our table took odds on whether the drunk idiot being rescued was a guy or a girl. We seriously took a collection of $5 bets from everyone at the table who picked one or the other. When a girl was escorted out with her head bandaged, we applauded wildly, clinked our glasses, and divied up our meager winnings. The next act was a drunk who stumbled out of the club, one step shy of declaring himself a golden god, and stood about a foot away from one of the responding police cars, with his arms outstretched…almost like he was challenging his reflection. He was promptly put in a choke hold by one of his buddies, trying to keep him from being arrested. They were both cited. Good times.

Speaking of which, big thanks to Allyson, Red, Michelle, and rest of the awesome peeps at the DC Improv for an amazing slate of shows with Louis CK. Holy crap. Six straight sold out crowds. I was spoiled rotten, what with all the laughter and whatnot. Those of you who’ve had the pleasure have seen the “Wall of Shame” that is scrawled with sharpie comedian graffiti…essentially “I was here” stuff. On the lower plank, someone wrote, “You probably won’t make it, but that’s ok…” Why I found this oddly comforting, I have no idea, but it seemed to help me loosen up. It was awesome to watch Louis CK work night to night. And when he wasn’t working on-stage, he was busy editing a TV show or a previous night’s set on his Mac in the green room. I supposed it shouldn’t have taken me this long to realize that we’re at work when we do these gigs, and he takes it seriously. I talked to him maybe once or twice during the weekend, but I didn’t want to bother him. I also had the pleasure of working with Joe Bublewiscz (pronounced Bubble-witz). This weekend also marked a new beginning for me in the technological landscape…I renounced my Amish tendencies and finally bought a damn video camera. I put this on the last teaser blog, but here again is a short clip from one of my sets from that weekend…

Once I get a little more familiar with the editing program, I’ll start doing videoblogs and other projects. If you could pretend to care, it would be greatly appreciated. By the way, if you missed it last time, please to check out my horrible overacting in the latest comedic collaboration with Chris White, The Best Medicine…

Make sure to check out Owen Wilson stunt double, Rory Scovel, in his television debut on Comedy Central’s Live at Gotham this Friday night. Click the link for a sneak peek.

To be continued…