Category: DC Improv

So Goddamn Sixy…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Judah Friedlander, six

Hey there ‘Redheads… Before I get things started, I wanted to let you, my loyal readers (play along), know that I’ve stepped back from the ledge I was so precariously perched on in the last installment. I think this picture best describes things…

Married To The Sea

You take the delirious highs with the soul flattening lows…more often than not, it averages out to a big bowl of okay. Besides, I’ve reached another imaginary milestone in my trivial pursuit. I’m six. Yes, it was the last weekend in February 2002 that my buddy Bill and I trekked up I-95 to the open mic at Winchester’s in Baltimore. The club was a hole in the wall, but it was home to a close knit comedy community…it was like Cheers, with health code violations. So, six years doing stand-up. In Jerry Seinfeld’s documentary, Comedian, he said that your years in comedy are equivalent to a person of the same age. At this age, I say the darndest things and farts are hilarious. Here’s to six more…months.

For those of you clamoring to see me locally, mark this down on your calendars. March 26th-30th, I’ll be hosting a slate of shows at the DC Improv with Judah Friedlander from 30 Rock. Now, quit your clamoring.

Belated condolences on the passing of one of the best open mics in the area, The Laughing Lizard. I never had a bad time there. They always managed to draw a crowdesque audience and the fun house mirrors behind the stage made the jokes seem larger than they appeared. Hopefully, Tyler and company will be able to find a new venue for similar shenanigans.

And now, the news…
Alabama: Birmingham – The state unveiled a $1 million ad campaign aimed at scaring teens away from methamphetamine with images of strung out addicts with rotten teeth.
The budget was originally bigger, but they cut costs by using production stills from Flavor of Love 3.

California: Modesto – Angela Nellany was sentenced to two years in prison after pleading no contest for trying to kill her estranged husband. Prosecutors said she left a soda can full of wasps inside her husbands truck. Court records said her husband is deathly allergic to wasp stings.
It’s not all bad news for Angela. The video of the attack won her the $10,000 prize on America’s Funniest Murder Attempts.

Nebraska: Omaha – Police say a 4-year-old girl showed them how to smoke marijuana from a joint, a pipe, and a bong – techniques she learned from her mother.
Police suspected something was wrong when she polished off four sleeves of Thin Mints at snack time. Her kindergarten class voted her Best Show and Tell Ever.

Enough of that. You have some comedy homework this weekend. On Saturday, check out two international raconteurs, Larry Poon and Jim Marsdale, as they bring their comedy stylings to the intimate stage of the DC Improv Comedy Lounge. On Sunday, also in the lounge, a massive comedy conga line shakes its collective groove thang. Erin Jackson, Ryan Conner, Chris White, Erik Myers, Jason Weems, Jon Mumma, Justin Schlegel, Seaton Smith, Aparna Nancherla, Kojo Mante, and Rob Maher will showcase for a chance to be a part of the Just For Laughs and Great American comedy festivals. Click the link to get your tickets.

To be continued…

Milkshakes and High Stakes

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, milkshake, poker, There Will Be Blood, WSOP

Hey there ‘Redheads… And welcome to any new readers who found their way here through my guest post on Arjewtino. Wipe your feet and try not to bust up the joint. This is why we can’t have nice things. A couple random cool things to cover in this installment, so allow me to whip out my extra large butter knife, so I may slather it on thick.

I my first road gig of ’08 over the weekend. Thanks to Dave, Tony, and the rest of the fine folk at the Funny Farm in Youngstown, Ohio for making it worth the trek up the PA turnpike. To help kill my Saturday, I took in a matinee at the local multiplex. It was a coin flip between No Country For Old Men and There Will Be Blood. Blood won the toss. I cannot recommend this movie enough. Daniel Day Lewis is a magnificent bastard. And yes, *spoiler* there is blood. See this movie…then thank me afterward. It contains my new favorite notable quotable. It won’t do it justice to type it out, so here it is…

I can’t stop saying it. It’d be nice to have a few people out there who knew what the hell I was talking about, so go check it out. It’s even cooler in context. When AFI puts out the new list of Top 100 Movie Quotes, that one better be on there.

Before I hit the road for Youngstown, I took in a show Thursday night at the DC Improv. Not only were two of my favorite local yokels, Jon Mumma and Herbie Gill, on the bill, but before the main show, the audience was treated to an impromptu feast courtesy of the Food Network show, Dinner: Impossible. Chef Robert Irvine was given an improv theme and had to put together a three course meal using 15 mystery ingredients, including ramen noodles and hot pockets, and using members of the DC Improv Comedy School as sous chefs. So the cameras were rolling whilst 250 other patrons and I served as guinea pigs for meals that may well have actually contained guinea pig. They were pretty damn delectable, especially a chicken breast stuffed with crawfish. I think I might’ve snuck on camera for a reaction shot, we’ll see when it airs. The coolest part of all, was the executive producer of the show…

It was a physical challenge to get this picture…

Marc Summers from DOUBLE DARE!! If you were in middle school when I was, that show was appointment viewing and you almost put yourself in traction practicing the physical challenges and training for that glorious day when you’d run the oozy obstacle course to capture the flags and win fabulous prizes…like school supplies. Ah, memories…

It’s all about being on TV in one way or another, isn’t it? It starts when we’re young with stuff like Double Dare, then you think you could be picked to live in a house with seven strangers, now there are so many goddamn reality shows out there, the dream is being realized by just about anyone whom light doesn’t bend around. Where is this going, Jared? Good question. Well, I’ve got a cool opportunity to be indirectly among the televised masses. I’ve qualified for a poker tournament that’ll be played Wednesday night. The top two finishers in that advance to a World Series of Poker charity tournament on Saturday. The winner of that gets a $10,000 buy-in to the WSOP Main Event in Vegas…which is covered by ESPN. I have a shot at a shot. I’ve got a lottery ticket and I get to fish around the ball hopper. My poker skills are on the better side of okay. I’ve been playing in free weekly tourneys for the past couple months against players much better than me and my dignity is still fairly intact. My big weakness is my poker face. I’m easier to read than the Cliff Notes to See Spot Run. It’s a chance, though. My fate isn’t up to some shady tv producer casting a show. I really want to take down a big pot in dramatic fashion, so I can bellow, “I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE!! I DRINK IT UP!!” Seriously, go see There Will Be Blood.

I’ll keep you posted on the inevitable disappointment.

To be continued…

American Idle

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Caroline's, comedy, DC Improv, high heels, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, New York

Hey there ‘Redheads… Well, we’re a mere two weeks into the new year and I’ve already hit my first full-fledged blue funk. Yeesh…the last blog was so full of gusto…with the expectations and the goals and whatnot. I’m still planning on fosberry flopping over the bar I set for myself, but I seemed to have stubbed my toe on the approach. I celebrated my 6 year shitcanniversary from DC101 last week…that never fails to get me thinking about what the future might hold when I get comfy and complacent in the ass groove on the couch of life. The screenplay I was yammering about in the last installment has been roughly outlined and I was happily surprised when I googled the name of my evil villain and got absolutely no results…that’s as sure a test as any that you have an original idea these days. It’s becoming a fun, if slightly aggravating, exercise to squeeze the lump of nerf in my noggin to come up with character names and establish the rules that will govern the little universe that the story takes place in. Now comes the part where I get off my ass and actually write a scene. It’s taking entirely too long to fire up the rocket-bike and jump the Snake River Canyon between visualizing a scene and putting it on paper. So, there’s that to deal with, plus I’ve been beating my head against a brick wall trying to come up with some new material. Anyone on the DC circuit can recite my act, complete with the I-uh’s, so since I’ve polished that 30 minute turd to a streak-free shine, it’s time to pepper in a couple new yucks for ’08. Oh, and I have a mustache. I was sick for the better part of a week, and I didn’t shave for awhile. When I finally got around to grooming the Teen Wolf sequel on my face, I decided to give the ‘stache a shot. It’ll either be gone by the next installment or I’ll grow it to Wilford Brimley proportions…rides are a dollar. So, how are you?

Some cool Amiable Zany sightings to keep an eye peeled for…

On Friday the 25th, I’ll be at the DC Improv MCing for Ari Shaffir. One night, two shows. Tim Miller is featuring. If you’ve been itching to see me locally, you should probably get that looked at.

Any ‘Redheads in Baltimore with Comcast digital cable, you’ll be able to see me OnDemand sometime in the near future. I taped a showcase up at the Comedy Factory last week with Charm City luminaries Big Ben Kennedy and Jim Meyer. Let me know where the camera decided to add the ten pounds.

For those of you in the Big Apple, I’ve gotten an opportunity to perform at Caroline’s. My previous appearances at NY clubs like Gotham and the Laugh Factory have been in the context of crappy bringer contests. This time I got a hook up through a buddy of mine who works at Z100. He knows the publicity director and he put me in contact with the booker, ipso facto I got 7 minutes to do my shtick. I have no idea what to expect from this, so I asked one of my compatriots in NY to drop some knowledge on me. Here’s what he told me:

Doing the show is a huge deal if you started in NYC, and went through the open mic ranks. But as someone who is actually good at comedy and does real shows, it won’t be a big deal. It’s just a regular show. Honestly, there isn’t a ton to gain from it, other than face-time in NYC, which is valuable. The positives that you can draw from it are 1) The booker will see your set, and hopefully give you more in the future. 2) You’ll meet a few comics who may not be able to put you on any shows, but will increase the number of comics in NYC that you know. That’s about it.

So, there ya go. I’m not a big fan of the exchange rate of 4 hours travel time for only 7 minutes of stage time but c’mon, it’s Caroline’s. If you’re in the city and want to check it out, it’ll be Tuesday, Feb 19th @ 9:30.

With the pluggage and baggage out of the way, there are a couple things that have been marinating for awhile that I’ve been meaning to get to. Just before the new year, I was up in NY for my cousin Josh’s wedding, a lavish black-tie affair at the Waldorf…swanky. There was an after party for the younger guests at a bar a couple blocks away from the hotel. So, I hang out with two other cousins of mine who will remain nameless, but they’re both women in their mid-twenties. Both were dressed to the nines, complete with strappy shoes. We get done at the party around 3am and we catch a cab to Penn Station to wait for the 4:50 train to Long Island. The two of them start complaining about how their feet hurt. I don’t think men will ever fully understand the mentality of women when it comes to shoes. It might harken back to the darker version of the Cinderella story, before Disney fluffed it up, where the step-sisters were cutting toes off to jam their feet into the glass slipper. Style over comfort…no wonder Easy Spirit went tits up. Women would wear bear traps on their feet if they had a bag to match. I get that their feet hurt…what I don’t get was what they did to cope. They both took their shoes off and walked barefoot through Penn Station. I can’t even imagine eco-system of filth, the petri dish of festering funk, the slithering muck that lives on the floor of a NY train station. I half expected them to start dissolving. They insisted that I was overreacting. So, to all you lady ‘Redheads, I ask you, fair or just plain foul?

That’s all for now, but be sure to check out a special bonus blog that I’ll be doing for Arjewtino at some point in the coming week. I met the guy who writes it at the Good For The Jews show last month and he asked me to do a guest blog about the experience of the Jewish comedian…oy vey.

To be continued…

Viva, Part I

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Comcast, comedy, DC Improv, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Thanksgiving, They Might Be Giants

Hey there ‘Redheads… I hope everyone had a cram-it-down-your-gullet Turkey Day. I made sure to designate someone I know and trust to maintain my haircut during my food coma…Bush is still president, right? The last 10 days have been pretty eventful for me, so grab the orange extender belt, and buckle in for a blog that’ll more than fill your daily recommended allowance of Jared-centric shite. There will be videos. There will be pictures. There will be time that you’ll never get back…ever.

We’ll start with my least fuzzy memories, which takes us to Saturday night. Big thanks to the DC Improv and Comcast for putting on a great showcase and allowing me to take part. It was a hum-dinger of a line-up, including Toyota pitch-man, Justin Schlegel, Ziddio Lucky 21 finalist, Chris White (we’ll get to that later), and Forehead Magazine’s Man of the Century (his joke, not mine), Sean Gabbert. We were told to arrive early to tape interviews with the Comcast people that they’ll be showing along with our 5 or so minute sets. I’m hoping they use exactly none of my interview. I’m never sure how to handle those interviews…treat every answer as a joke or try to be a smidge sincere? I waffled between the two and I don’t think the result was anything that could be described as remotely interesting. But my set went well. And I knew it would. How, you ask? Because on my walk back to the club from by pre-show burger at Fuddrucker’s, an omen fell from the sky and splatted on my jacket. A bird put the “turd” in my Saturday and shat on me (it was later postulated by Jimmy Merrit that it could’ve been a homeless guy doing his impression of Miggs from Silence of the Lambs from the grassy knoll, but I prefer the lone shitter theory). I figured that would be the worst thing to happen to me, and my set would compare favorably to getting a boutonniere of bird crap pinned on my lapel. I’ll be sure to keep you posted on when you’ll be able to find me On Demand.

Friday night, I got a chance to see a great concert at the 9:30 Club given by one of my favorite groups from my high school days, They Might Be Giants. I’m not very familiar with their recent stuff, but after this show, I’m gonna check it out. Keep an ear peeled for “The Alphabet of Nations”, a bombastic bit of silliness that was a highlight of the show. They also peppered in a few of the better known classics like “Birdhouse in Your Soul” and “Particle Man”, both of which I badly sang along with. I was worried I might’ve strained a uvula, belting out the whoa’s on “Istanbul (Not Constantinople)”. Part of their second encore was the theme to Malcolm in the Middle. Another bit of TMBG trivia that I wasn’t aware of: they also do the opening music for The Daily Show. Long story short: awesome show…big fan.

I won’t waste too much space detailing the sundry items that conspired to make my pants tighter on Thanksgiving. I was proud that I limited myself to one helping. However, that one helping included a Devil’s Mountain-sized portion of mashed potatoes (it meant something) and enough biscuits to build a small fort. Starch-tastic. Moving on.

With this past week out of the way, we get to the meat of this installment. Vegas. Let’s spin back the clock to a week prior to Turkey Day. It was downright dismal here in DC. Rainy, windy, dark…the weather was right out of a Tim Burton rough draft. If going to Vegas wasn’t reason enough to hop on a plane, this dreck was.

Editor’s Note: I’m more than a little distracted by the Patriots/Eagles game and I feel myself losing steam here, so I’m going to chop this installment off here and devote the next one to Vegas. I’d rather not half-ass the recounting of such a cool trip.

Before I go, here’s a little something to brighten your day. It’s a short video of my impossibly cute nephew discovering upright mobility…

All together now… Awwwwwwwwwww.

Part two coming soon.

To be continued…

Fallout

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Baltimore Comedy Factory, comedy, Comedy Spot, DC Improv, Erin Jackson, fight, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, T-Rexx

Hey there ‘Redheads… Long time, no type. Once again, I’ve tried to stockpile interesting crap, so that when I clean out the lint trap in my head, I can knit you a proper toaster cozy. It’s sentences like that that make ya wish I waited just a bit longer… I’ve got a bunch of cool things on the comedy horizon to call your attention to:

On November 24th, I’ll be joining a gaggle of comedy compatriots on stage at the DC Improv Comedy Lounge. The show is going to be taped for Comcast Comedy Open Mic On Demand. The cavalcade includes Chris White, Jon Mumma, Justin Schlegel, Mike Way, Sean Gabbert, and many more…ok, six more. Wanna be in the audience to check out this comedy conglomerate? Click here for tickets and info.

On November 28th, Rob Maher and I will be doing our part to make sure we aren’t irretrievably awful people, and take part in the DC Firefighters Burn Foundation Benefit for Children’s Hospital at the Clarendon Grill.

On December 15th, just in time for Hannukah, I’ll be on stage at the Comedy Spot for a show that’s being called Jew Man Group. Myself, Leo Goodman, Adam Ruben, and Ben Isaac take the stage for an evening of shpilkis. We could also be called The Mensches of Comedy, or The Disappointed Mother Tour, or Cheaper Than Therapy, the list goes on. Please to be clicking here for tickets and info.

Over the weekend, I got a chance to work with two of my favorite funny folk, Erin Jackson and T-Rexx, at the Baltimore Comedy Factory. Big thanks to the staff up there for a fun couple of nights. I was a little disappointed that no one showed up in costume the whole weekend. There was one guy who looked like Kenny Rogers, but that hardly counts. A great septet of shows in Charm City was capped off by a fracas…a donnybrook…a rhubarb…a BEAT DOWN. I shall now give you the play-by-play of this impromptu UFC pay-per-view…
T-Rexx was closing his set with his classic bit about getting his retarded cousin drunk. I requested he do it. It keeps getting funnier every time I hear it. The sold out crowd was laughing along with him…except for one guy, who was sitting in the second row on stage right. He wasn’t enjoying it at all. To the point that T-Rexx said to him, “I don’t know how much it cost to get in, but it’s free to leave. Because this is going to get worse.” As he finishes up his set, I start walking toward the stage to bring him off. After he gets done plugging his DVDs, the disgruntled guy says, “Why don’t you get off the motherfucking stage, motherfucker.” An exchange of “fuck yous” was had. Then, T-Rexx hand me his jacket and steps off stage next to where the guy was sitting, and strikes a Bruce Lee pose in front of him…complete with kung-fu yowl.

Knock knock, mo fo…

Well, being drunk and belligerent, the guy stands up. He rears back to swing and, before he can get off a punch, T-Rexx hits him twice in the chest and once in the face. The guy tackles T-Rexx into a row of chairs that were quickly evacuated by the crowd. From the stage, I see T-Rexx grab the guy’s wrist and grapevine his arm with his legs. Security breaks it up and drags the guy out by his collar, leaving behind a bloody smear on T-Rexx’s pant leg. Thank you Baltimore, goodnight.

Your comedy homework is to vote for Erin Jackson on Ziddio.com early and often…send her to Vegas.

To be continued…

Stuff For Ye

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, Die Hard, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, mash-up, random, video, X-Wing

Hey there ‘Redheads… With September in the rear-view mirror, we’re motoring through the happy town of Blogtober. Population: You. Try not to muck the place up too much while you’re here. This is why we can’t have nice things. Speaking of driving, my Jeep hit 90,000 miles today. It’s a mixed bag when your car reaches a milestone like that. On the one hand, it’s pretty cool watching the odometer flip to zeros. On the other hand, I’ve driven 90,000 miles and where the fuck am I? Makes ya think…and who wants that?
I have a bunch of random stuff for you this time out…some cool audio, some funny video, and a couple other nuggets to help pad this installment…shove some tangerines in its training bra.

Let’s start with the audio. You might remember awhile back, I tried to play mama bird and regurgitate some iPod food into your chirping beaks. Well, I found some kick ass new mash-ups for you to jam in your ear holes. Eat, ya jackals…

WHOLE LOTTA SABBATH (Led Zepplin vs. Black Sabbath)
THUNDER BUSTERS (AC/DC vs. Ray Parker Jr.)
HALLOWED BE THEY ENEMY (Iron Maiden vs. Public Enemy)
METALLICA GOES TO PUNJAB (Metallica vs. Punjabi MC)

Ok, now the video. I forget where I found this, but I got a kick out of it, so I figured I’d pass it on to you guys. If you’re a die hard fan of…well, Die Hard, you’ll get a chuckle from this little ditty…

And now, some of the afore mentioned nuggetude… ATTENTION GEEKS!! Check this shit out…


A group of aerospace engineers in California have constructed a scale model of an X-Wing that actually flies. Here’s an excerpt from their website:

It is over 21′ long, with a wingspan of over 19′ – “We opted to use a cluster of four motors to emulate the “real” X-wing, and positioned the motors in the wing pods. The real challenge was to make the wings move in flight, from “attack” position to “landing” position. Late additions to the project included making R2D2 turn via radio & make sounds.

If I have to tell you how cool that is, then I don’t know if we can be friends anymore… The X-Wing takes flight on October 6th…and will make a flippin’ sweet YouTube video when in crashes shortly thereafter…

One more thing before I go. Your comedy homework this weekend is to go see Jake Johanssen at the DC Improv. My good friends John Garrett and Chris White are opening for him. Three gawky white guys. A parade of pasty. Luckily, they’re damn funny. Go. Laugh.

To be continued…

The Thrill, the Agony, and the Indifference…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Michael Vick, movie idea, trivia

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s been awhile, but let’s just assume the apology is implied and move on…ever forward. Breaking news on this Monday, the 20th as Mike Vick has plead guilty and now faces a bit of jail time. Here now are some of the hack Mike Vick jokes that you have to look forward to for the next 2 to 5 years…

He was known for being a quarterback in the NFL, but in jail he’ll be a tight end…
He got in trouble for killing dogs, now he’s going to be someone’s bitch…
When white folks kill a dog, they pay a vet to do it…they also drive cars and talk differently.

…aaaaaaand scene. Enough of that. When last I got around to filling this space, I was gearing up for a couple of contests. When it comes to comedy competitions, the world is my oyster…and boy, do I shuck. No win, place, or show. I’m over it now, but I was a smidge bummed after my performance at the HBO Comedy Fest contest at the DC Improv. I was flattered to be there at all, but I was hoping I could back up the selection with a solid outing. The set started out well but, somewhere in my 8 minutes, I lost the crowd. They stopped reacting with laughter and gave me more of an “oh, isn’t that cute” reaction. Those who saw it say it wasn’t anything to be ashamed of but, in my head, I might as well have been chowing down on a turd hoagie during the last half of my set. My mettle got smelted and I got frazzled, so there goes my latest attempt to get free HBO. A big congratulations to Chris White and Erin Jackson, who got picked to represent DC in the regionals.

I had to quench my thirst for winnable competition…I was parched. Luckily, I was able to find an arena where I could flex my brain meat and come out on top. Trivia. I went with some friends to compete in some team bar trivia at Solly’s on U St. In round one, our team, Made in China, tied for third. Respectable, but I wanted to do some neck stepping. Round two saw us take the top spot (we tied for first) and with it a bottle of red wine…the fermented grapes of victory. Here are some of the more impressive answers I was able to scoop out of my skull…

Q: In Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet, what are the ten syllables that follow “Wherefore art thou, Romeo”?
A: De-ny thy fa-ther and re-fuse thy name.

Q: In Beverly Hills Cop, what were the names of the two detectives who assist Axel Foley?
A: Taggart and Rosewood.

Q: In 1938, Roy Plunkett accidentally discovered this chemical compound with an extremely low coefficient of friction. Its scientific name is polytetrafluoroethylene. What is it more commonly known as?
A: Teflon.

I am smart. S-M-R-T.

And I’m an idea guy too. I came up with the next great disaster/action movie. In the not so distant future, an eccentric billionaire coverts a decommissioned aircraft carrier into the first floating sports arena. He somehow gets the SuperBowl in there. Mayhem ensues. Die Hard meets Titanic meets Rudy. It’ll be a can’t-miss-adrenaline-fueled-thrill-ride.

If you’re around northern New Jersey this weekend, come check me out at Banana’s. Should be fun. There’s very little on the line, so I shouldn’t tank.

To be continued…

Play the Music, Light the Lights

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Baltimore Comedy Factory, comedy, DC Improv, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Welcome to, you guessed it, Blogust. Like all of the previous months with “blog” crammed into the name, I’ll continue to churn out the usual mediocre fare and try to dress it up so you think I’m doing something special for you…and fool myself into thinking you give a goddamn either way…
Tomorrow starts a nice string of shows this week, including two contests. Two separate chances to have my soul subjectively stepped on. Let the games begin.

Wednesday, I throw my hat into the comedy marathon that is the Funniest Person in Baltimore contest. I call it a marathon not because of its length, but because once it’s done I usually have chapped nipples and I’ve been beaten by a Kenyan. I’m usually lucky if I’m the funniest person in my apartment, so this’ll be a fun five minutes. I always relish the chance to play the Comedy Factory and, speaking of relish, there’s a Five Guys about a block away…I’m already a winner.

I won’t have long to lick my wounds, because on Thursday I head to the DC Improv to butt heads with seven of DC’s finest. The winner representing DC in Vegas at the HBO Comedy Festival Lucky 21 Showcase. I’m up against Rob Maher, Joe Robinson, Erin Jackson, Chris White, Seaton Smith, Randolph T, and Jon Mumma…I’m usually a gambling man, but don’t bet on “Jew” in this one. I’m just happy to be included. I cannot recommend this show enough. Sure, it’s a local showcase and you can see most of the participants for free on a given night, but rarely do you get an Ocean’s Eleven line-up like this altogether on one show. You will laugh lots. Click the link for tix and info…

Hopefully, I have some ego left for the weekend, when I skip town to play one of my favorite little clubs, Cozzy’s in Newport News, VA. It’s a fun joint, the staff is great, and they ply their audiences with jello shots before each show…what could possibly go wrong?

I should mention a couple comedy comings and goings on the local scene. There’s been a mass exodus from DC to NY. Too many names to mention, but I wish you all well…if you should need a key grip or best boy on your movie or TV show, please keep me in mind. There are a couple folks that’re taking a slightly longer trip. On Wednesday, there’ll be a send-off at Wiseacre’s for house MC, Brian McClure. He’s being shipped off to Iraq. Apparently, he’s bombed here so many times, our military considers his comedy weapons-grade. Please join me in wishing him a hasty and safe return. Also, a belated bon voyage to Jim Elliott. Jim moved to Dublin, where Guinness runs out of the faucets. He has a MUCH better travel agent than Brian. Jim, may your time in Dublin be magically delicious. And, finally, DC welcomes back into the fold comedy savant, Erik Myers. Erik has been walking the Earth (like Cain in Kung–Fu) for the last six months, solving mysteries, helping people, and searching for a six-fingered man. Now he’s back in town and poised to start snappin‘ funny bones.

To be continued…

Live Free Or Blog Hard

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, cute, DC Improv, driving, feeding, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, I-95, video

Hey there ‘Redheads… Long time, no type. Sorry about that. Summertime, and the living is easy and whatnot. Luckily, the blog lag has given me a backlog of crap to spread on cracker and feed you (yummy). So far, June has been a pretty clean month for me, in that it’s been uncontaminated by comedy work. Business picks up in July and August. For your stalking convenience, feel free to print this on the back of a t-shirt…

July 13-14 @ the Funny Farm in Youngstown, OH
July 19-21 @ the Baltimore Comedy Factory
July 27 @ the Mid-Atlantic Comedy Smorgasbord in Frederick, MD
August 10-11 @ Cozzy’s in Newport News, VA
August 24-25 @ Banana’s in Hasbrouck Heights, NJ

Follow me like Phish…I’ll try to fit in a 30 minute jam session somewhere during my show.

Where do I begin… Well, let me start off by saying to anyone who was on I-95S between Delaware and Baltimore on Sunday night, FUCK YOU, YOU BRAKE TAPPING WINDOW LICKERS. Allow me to elaborate. I was on my way home from an extended visit with my impossibly cute nephew, Mo (pictures soon to follow) up in Philly. I was caught in the expected snarl of traffic that bottle necks at the toll right as you get out of Delaware. I was passing the time by doing shadow puppetry on the tailgate of the truck in front of me (that’s what YouTube was when I was a kid…damn whippersnappers). Y’ know that feeling of liberation as you get out of that kind of traffic? You pay the toll and there’s nothing but open road in front of you….BOOOOOOOOOORNNNN FREEEEEEEE…you hit the gas and you feel like Chewie just made the jump to lightspeed as the lane lines blur past you. Cruise control is set, you’re ready to make up some lost time, and then you SLAM ON THE GODDAMN BRAKES because some doddering shmuck is doing 65 in the left lane. Hey, putz in the Chevy Impediment, move over or I’ll find a way through you. If you’re going the speed limit in the left lane of a major thru-way, you’re a hazard. And what’s worse, is these puttering malignancies don’t look in their rear-view mirror, because objects are larger than they appear and they’ll just look like a bigger twit, so they can’t see me closing in. Now, I’m pretty mild when it comes to highway driving…my rule of thumb is 10mph over whatever is posted…not life-threatening. I’m happy to abdicate my patch of pavement if someone is coming up behind me at a faster clip…it’s the courteous thing to do. You move over, the flow of traffic keeps flowing, and everyone’s happy. Instead you get these rolling blockades that tap their brakes like Savion Glover on meth with nothing in front of them but their own bleak futures.
Aaaah…catharsis. Here’s a double dose of cute to take the edge off of that bit of road rage…



Seriously, you can’t dispute the cute of this particular patootie. Much peek-a-boo was played. I got so good at it, that even I didn’t know where I was. For a little while, my parents and I were left with the task of feeding the little guy while mom and dad ran a couple of errands. A sumptuous meal of strained sweet potatoes and vitamin-enriched yogurt was on the menu. We put on his bib and put him in his baby butler and proceeded to make a complete mess trying to guide the nummy nummy airplane into the hangar. We thought we were doing pretty well…until Mo decided it was time to get cranky. Wow, did he pitch a fit…contorting his little face into something out of an Edvard Munch rough draft. So, off with the bib and I picked him up to calm him down…as soon as he was up, he started smiling. The little faker was playing us like a fiddle…or a rattle anyway. So it went. We’d put the bib back on, get a few more spoonfuls in, then he’d wig out and I’d pick him up again. I like the kid’s policy…eat ’til you cry. Try it sometime…it takes longer as an adult.

Before I forget, I’d like to extend a big thanks to the fine folks at the DC Improv for including me in their first ever Variety Showcase. It featured stand-up, improv, sketch, and multi-media comedic endeavors. They showcased two of the videos that I did with comic compadre, Chris White. It was very cool to see Never Can Say Goodbye and Good Directions (both conveniently linked to your right) played in front of a nearly packed house and hearing them laugh loudly. Warmed my cockels. The evening was hosted by international raconteurs, Larry Poon and Jim Marsdale. Good guys. Larry had a bra thrown at him. It was that kind of night.

Also, please join me in wishing a bon voyage to the man of 1000 voices (and at least 5 kinds of facial hair), Danny Rouhier, who’s heading off to seek his fortune in the Big Apple. Fear not, though, he’ll be popping back up in the area…like funny herpes. The DC area will get flare ups over the coming months, but shouldn’t stop us from canoeing or hot-air ballooning or biking. Although, we should be more careful, seeing as how we just gave him to NY. We’re a dirty dirty comedy community. Supportive, but dirty…we should get checked out. I had the pleasure of seeing Danny off at a little not-quite-surprise get together over the weekend. Jay Hastings, Kojo Mante, Larry Poon, and myself represented the comedy circle of Danny’s massive Venn diagram of friends. One of the larger circles in there was of chicas mas caliente. In a sea of hot ladies, we were an island of awkwardness. It was like a study in social dysfunction. We just found a patch of floor and huddled around it while we drank and talked shit. Somebody intervene.

By the way, if you’re not busy this Thursday night, go check out the debut of a brand new comedy showcase in Adams Morgan, cleverly titled The Bomb Shelter. It’s at 18th & Red. It’ll feature 4 or 5 of the area’s best doing solid 15 minute sets. I’m not sure what time it starts, but 8 is a safe bet. Best of all, it’s FREE. So, your good time is guaranteed or…your…time back. I’ll get to work on the flux capacitor, you just go have a good time.

That’s all for now. I’ll try not to keep you waiting for the next one. If we don’t talk before the holiday, may the 4th be with you.

To be continued…

Blogado Gigante 2

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jimmy Fallon, mall walking, video

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I hope everyone had a great couple of weekends. The details of mine are forthcoming. Lucky for the both of us, they might actually be worth a glance. This installment is chock full of positive mojo…so, feel free to grab a little vicarious pick-me-up. For those of you keeping track, we’ll be working backwards from this past weekend. And away we go…

Big thanks to Vera, John, Pat and the rest of the great staff of Banana’s Comedy Club in Poughkeepsie, NY. I had the distinct pleasure of working with Joe Devito and fellow local funnyman, Big Al Goodwin. The club has been around in various locations since 1984, and a lot of big time comedy stars have passed through their doors. And, like any established club, every once and awhile a big name will stop by for a guest set. Friday night was one of those once in awhiles, when former SNL’er Jimmy Fallon popped in with his guitar to strum his new song, Car Wash For Peace, the proceeds of which benefit the troops. My opinion of Mr. Fallon has increased exponentially. He stayed for the whole show, stuck around to take pictures, and he insisted on buying my and Al’s CD…paying with a $20 and refusing change. I signed the CD, “Jimmy, I have a feeling you’re going to make it…” (and I slipped in a business card).

Hopefully, this will be the poster for Taxi 2: Fare Game

To kill time on Saturday, Al and I went mall-walking. A couple observations… Did you know Best Buy sold books? Maybe out of guilt. Seems to me that Best Buy trafficks in the downfall of the written word. It’s like selling baby rattles at an abortion clinic (that was harsh). Y’know what’d be the perfect book for Best Buy…a high-definition dictionary.
Generally, mall-walking is supposed to burn calories, but all that was shot to hell when we happened upon a girl scout troop peddling their boxes of crunchy goodness. Nothing brightens your day like the chocolate encrusted smile that comes from eating a sleeve of Thin Mints, which should be the serving size, by the way.
After we got done at the galleria, we drove a bit further down the road to the local ghetto mall, where they had a rare sight in these times of bloated overpriced movie megaplexes, the $2 theatre. We checked out 300 with the appropriate level of expectations, since we didn’t blow a 10 spot on a ticket. I enjoyed it, but it wasn’t the kind of mind-blowing cinematic experience some people made it out to be. It was like Gladiator meets Braveheart meets a Tae-Bo workout tape…and one, and spear-thrust, and two, and SPARTA!! Abs you could grate cheese on…sheesh. Leonidas was a great king for one reason and one reason only…Sparta had an amazing dental plan.

Belated congratulations to all those who participated in the showcase finals at the DC Improv last week. It was a solid show, top to bottom. Pete Bergen, Kojo Mante, Tim Miller, John McBride, Jason Weems, Aparna Nancherla, and Mike Way kept the stream of funny steady and strong. Any one of five different people could’ve taken home the grand prize without any dispute. That distinction went to Mike Way. After the show, a bunch of us went to Lucky Bar and ended up tipping back a few with some of the Improv staff at the outdoor portion of the bar, where the comedy of DC drunken street-life picked up the slack after the show was over. The shadow-boxing homeless guy opened for the emergency vehicles responding to an incident inside the posh club next door. As soon as the ambulance pulled up, our table took odds on whether the drunk idiot being rescued was a guy or a girl. We seriously took a collection of $5 bets from everyone at the table who picked one or the other. When a girl was escorted out with her head bandaged, we applauded wildly, clinked our glasses, and divied up our meager winnings. The next act was a drunk who stumbled out of the club, one step shy of declaring himself a golden god, and stood about a foot away from one of the responding police cars, with his arms outstretched…almost like he was challenging his reflection. He was promptly put in a choke hold by one of his buddies, trying to keep him from being arrested. They were both cited. Good times.

Speaking of which, big thanks to Allyson, Red, Michelle, and rest of the awesome peeps at the DC Improv for an amazing slate of shows with Louis CK. Holy crap. Six straight sold out crowds. I was spoiled rotten, what with all the laughter and whatnot. Those of you who’ve had the pleasure have seen the “Wall of Shame” that is scrawled with sharpie comedian graffiti…essentially “I was here” stuff. On the lower plank, someone wrote, “You probably won’t make it, but that’s ok…” Why I found this oddly comforting, I have no idea, but it seemed to help me loosen up. It was awesome to watch Louis CK work night to night. And when he wasn’t working on-stage, he was busy editing a TV show or a previous night’s set on his Mac in the green room. I supposed it shouldn’t have taken me this long to realize that we’re at work when we do these gigs, and he takes it seriously. I talked to him maybe once or twice during the weekend, but I didn’t want to bother him. I also had the pleasure of working with Joe Bublewiscz (pronounced Bubble-witz). This weekend also marked a new beginning for me in the technological landscape…I renounced my Amish tendencies and finally bought a damn video camera. I put this on the last teaser blog, but here again is a short clip from one of my sets from that weekend…

Once I get a little more familiar with the editing program, I’ll start doing videoblogs and other projects. If you could pretend to care, it would be greatly appreciated. By the way, if you missed it last time, please to check out my horrible overacting in the latest comedic collaboration with Chris White, The Best Medicine…

Make sure to check out Owen Wilson stunt double, Rory Scovel, in his television debut on Comedy Central’s Live at Gotham this Friday night. Click the link for a sneak peek.

To be continued…