Category: DC Improv

The Pal in Palindrome

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, shark

Welcome to the 111th installment of the chronicles of the Amiable Zany, ‘Redheads… As you know, arbitrary milestones are the 87 octane that this blog guzzles, so toss some confetti in the air for passing the 10,000 hit mark. Seeing as how most of those hits are me checking in to see how many hits there are, this fictional milestone is extra special to me…or something. As for the rest of you, thanks for reading.

Like all of the months on ’07, May is zooming by at a pretty brisk clip. The dog days of summer are living up to their name as seven seem to pass by as quickly as one. For me anyway, I find that the weeks pass quicker when I have something to look forward to. My apologies to the space-time continuum for having a big one starting Friday night, when I take the stage at the DC Improv for the first time in more than a year to open for Louis CK in front of 6 sold-out crowds. Yeah, my calendar has been a flip book. For those of you who’ve had the pleasure, you know that few crowds spoil you as a performer like a hot Improv crowd. Quick on the uptake and ready to laugh. I’m sifting through the finely polished turds of my sub-par material in the hopes that the shiniest nuggets make it into the set list…I’m playin’ the hits this weekend. If you’re there, feel free to sing along. Hopefully, I’ll have some video documentation of a few sets for those of you who would like to see me tell the same jokes with a different time stamp on the footage.

Before I wrap up this installment, here’s a news story that has renewed my faith…

Female shark reproduces without sex
A female hammerhead shark that gave birth without sex has put the bite into conventional wisdom about reproduction among large vertebrates, according to research published Wednesday. The discovery is the first known case of asexual reproduction in sharks but it also raises concerns about the genetic health of dwindling shark populations, they say.

…that God is a vicious eating machine. We’re going to need a bigger bible. That’s right, we may have witnessed the birth of Shark Jesus (yes, I resisted the urge to call him Jawsus…give me some credit). He’ll be able to turn water into chum, feed 5000 with just one surfer, and…swim on dry land.

To be continued…

Death Blossom

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, pollen

Hey there ‘Redheads… Well, it appears Spring has finally sprung, and with it comes nature’s money shot, pollen. Usually, the only way pollen affects me begins and ends with it turning my car into a yellow canvas for people to write “WASH ME” on it. This time it appears global warming has brought on a mutated super strain of this crap which has reduced me to a sniffly, sneezy mess. Mother Nature is a yellow, powdery WHORE. My nasal passages are EN FUEGO and a Fantasia broomstick bucket brigade of boogers (alliteration, baby) has its hands full trying to douse the inferno. So, I’m writing this minus the sense of smell…if a joke has gone bad, I can’t tell. That being said, on to the blossom of bloggery…

Congratulations to Aparna, Mike Way, and Jermaine Fowler for bringing the heat to an already sweltering DC Improv showcase the other night. Big ups also go to Hampton and Katie Riffey, who both gave fine showings as well. Jim Marsdale got robbed. It was swell to see the DC comedy community come out in force to support the participants. One conspicuous absence was Mr. Jon Mumma. He should’ve been there, if for no other reason than to beat back the advances Jim Marsdale was making toward his wife, Amy. I was also hoping to talk to him about some of the big upsets that have the going on in the UFC. Not the least of which was this gem…

That was Mirko CroCop getting o-fucking-bliterated. One kick to the head and he wilts like a hot house flower. Granted, a kick like that would send an average person’s head into the third row, but CroCop was supposed to be an unstoppable machine, a la the Terminator…or Sanjaya. Seeing him get crushed like that is like seeing the Globetrotters lose on free throws. Not bloody likely. Jim Marsdale got robbed.

For those of you itching for a Jared fix, you’ve got plenty of chances to see me at a venue near you. Thursday, I’ll be in Columbia, MD at the recently reborn Taglines with fellow merry-makers, Mark Matusof and Mike Shader. Friday, I’ll be back at the Arlington Drafthouse, hosting a night of sketch comedy with the Late Night Players. And on Saturday, I’ll be at Ned Devine’s in Sterling for their weekly comedy night. 3 chances to experience the magic…I’ll be pulling jokes out of my ass.

If you’re hankering for more blog meat, you’ll be happy to know that top men in the blog archives have unearthed an installment that got lost to technical difficulty until now. A glitch in blogger forced me to put it on MySpace, floundering in obscurity. And it’s a dandy…it recaps my 31st birthday weekend. So stick a candle in something and enjoy…

To be continued…

Small Victories

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Arligton Drafthouse, bowling, comedy, DC Improv, fun, Georgetown

Editor’s Note: This installment was erased in a flash due to blogger error after a couple painstaking hours of putting it together. The following is an attempt to recreate it…

Hey there ‘Redheads… Well, it looks like March is living up to form. In like a lion, out like a cheetah on crystal meth. Time is flying by faster than I can put things off. I’m worried that this might be a sign that I’m having too much fun…at this rate, if I have any more, tomorrow it’ll be May…’09. Fear not, gentle reader. I dare not tamper with the space/time continuum simply to indulge my own shits and giggles. Whatever rationed fun I do have, you can find in this half-assed annal. Speaking of which, let’s pick a cheek (I’m partial to the right, but if it is half-assed, then I guess I’m just partial…wow…stay with me, people) and take a look at the week.

First of all, big ups to Georgetown for being the lone survivor in the Donner party that was my NCAA brackets. If they end up winning it all, I can salvage some dignity having picked the champ. Other than that, the tourney was a total wash. It is very cool to see a local team make it to the Final Four. Especially at the expense of UNC…I haven’t seen a choke job like that since the hit on Luka Brasi in The Godfather.
Georgetown distinguished itself another way last week by holding the last and, in my opinion, the best round of the DC Improv’s District’s Funniest College competition. I had the pleasure of judging the contest along with the fetching comedy correspondent from the DCist, Erin Zimmer. The show was held in a cool little black box theater that was supposed to seat around 75, but the steady influx of students swelled to about 125. And the contestants came to play. This round had some of the best joke writing that I’d seen in the competition thus far. Be sure to check out the finals on April 11th at the DC Improv. Come out and show these kids that there’s more to life than a quality education.

On Friday, I learned, or rather reinforced, a valuable life lesson. When in doubt, show up. Always err on the side of getting out of the house. After wrestling with the thought of staying in for the evening, I put a choke hold on my slothitude (look it up) and managed to pry my ass off the couch for an evening of funny goings on. I was rewarded for my efforts almost immediately as I walked out the door and found a twenty dollar bill of the ground. Already the universe was letting me know this was a good decision…or, it was apologizing ahead of time for a shitty night. Either way, I was in the plus column. I headed to the Arlington Drafthouse, a budding mecca for the local comedy community, to see some of my favorite peers, Rob Maher, Joe Robinson, Danny Rouhier, Jon Mumma, and Seaton Smith. I arrived about a half-hour before show time to the sounds of laughter coming from the showroom. Who do I find fielding questions from a packed house of fans? Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, co-creators of Shaun of the Dead and soon to be released cop comedy, Hot Fuzz. Apparently, there was a screening of the latter and they were kind enough to hang out afterward for a right proper Q & A (yes, quite). So, for those of you keeping score, I’m $20 richer and I stumbled onto a minor celebrity sighting…Jared 2, Couch 0. I also found out that my CD has been getting some spins on the brand new Comedy Nonsense radio show on 106.7 WJFK. The show is on Thursdays at midnight…not exactly drive time, but if you leave your radios on, you can absorb the hilarity during REM sleep.

In the wake of Friday’s success, I figured I’d try to keep the streak alive with a Saturday night of bowling with my good buddies Chris and Allyson and two of her gal pals, who’s names escape me because it’s late and I’m having to wring my brain sponge to try and re-type this extra meaty blog. Anywho, bowling has always been a fickle mistress. Either it’s a rollicking good time where thousands cheer or it’s a frustrating demonstration of how many ways a ball can be heaved into the gutter. Even when the good time prevails, I’m not very good. I throw for power, not accuracy. That, combined with weak wrists, means I have trouble breaking 100 during an earthquake (those pins were set up under a door frame). In order to spice up the competition, we put trophies up for grabs…and by trophies, I mean a stuffed cow and bunny that we were able to extract from the arcade claw machine. For me, it wasn’t about winning. It was about not embarrassing myself on the hardwood against Chris, an avid bowler and host of the Chris White Invitational, and Allyson, who used to bowl in a league and hustles alley birthday parties to feed her $1000 a day ceramic clown habit (jeez, it’s getting late…I’ll hang in there if you do). In the first game I rolled a feeble 77, but I was encouraged by a couple late frame spares and a strike. I was also happy to see that chucking around a 12 pound ball for 10 frames hadn’t sapped the strength from my flabby pipe cleaner of an arm. On to round two, with the bunny on the line. I started off strong with a pin shattering strike that let the others know that I was in it to win it. The bravado was thick as Chris and I traded taunts and fist pumps while the pins fell. The final score: Chris 100, Jared 123…game, set, bunny.

Looking to the comedy horizon, you can help in the fight against Autism by checking out the Baltimore Comedy Fest this weekend. Two nights of some of the best comedy Charm City has to offer. I’ll be on the kick-off show on Friday night along with the hilarious Mike Aronin, Sonya King, Jon Mumma, and Doug Powell (see him while the seein’ is good). It’s for a great cause, so join us as we use our powers for good instead of gleeful evil. Remember, when in doubt, show up.

To be continued…

Numbers

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in 100, comedy, DC Improv, Richard Jeni

Welcome ‘Redheads, to the 100th installment of this collection of corny chronicles. Sure, 100 blogs may not seem like alot in the grand blog scheme, but keep in mind that my compulsive procrastination and complete lack of follow-thru should’ve doomed this little exercise about 90 installments ago. With 100 in the bag, I think it’s time to start a new chapter…or lengthen the run-on sentence. You’ll notice, just below the hit counter, that I’ve sold out. Hopefully, I can squeeze a couple dimes out of this thing over the next 100 installments. I’ve got a pack of Ramen noodles that I’ve got my eye on. Enough with the shameless plea for spare change. Let’s take one down, pass it around, and get on with the business of #100…which is coming to you one hour sooner, thanks to daylight savings time.
Let’s get the math out of the way and figure out just how many of you still check in on this thing. The formula is (# of hits – 3 x # of installments since the counter was put in…to account for the number of times I check it)/ the number of installments since the counter was put in. That comes to:

(9000 – 225)/75 = 117
It’s good to see that the amount of potential readers does actually outnumber the installments. Just think, in 17 more posts, you can each have the kind of 1 on 1 attention that is normally not seen outside of nursing home patients and the severely retarded. You’re special. I’m hoping that the eventual completion of JaredLive.com (any day now) will give the readership a goose…or a cornish hen…or something.
A big thanks to the DC Improv for opening the doors of the brand new DC Improv Comedy Lounge to Danny Rouhier, Jon Mumma, and myself for it’s first local stand-up showcase. And thanks to the people who sold out the show and packed it just shy of fire code violation. Granted, it only holds 60 people, but the atmosphere was intimate and made for contagious laughter and Danny, Jon, and I should’ve been quarantined. After the show, we were approached by a couple people who told us they chose to come to our show instead of the main room show, with Pablo Francisco. Others just got sold out of that show and decided to laugh at us instead. Either way, it was a cool night.
It wasn’t all sunshine and lollipops, however. Just before the show got started, we learned that Richard Jeni shot himself. Yeesh. Apparently, while his girlfriend was making breakfast, he remembered how he liked his brains…scrambled (I am going straight to hell).

Thanks for reading the first 100 blogs. Here’s to 100 more…or at least one.

To be continued…