Category: funny

The Ides…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s Day 15 of Blog-A-Day in May. If my calculations are correct, I’m at the midpoint of this month-long exercise. What better time to look back on the two week trail of tripe…? Sure, some of you might see this for a veiled attempt to pass off regurgitation as regular content. Just think of me as the mama bird, feeding you chirping chickadees…I’m running on fumes today…roll with it. And now the Top 3 best lines/blurbs so far…

3. From Day 4, the transcript of an IM I had with my sister about my nephew Mo’s recent spill…

Lauren: yeah, don’t know if mom or dad told you, he fell and banged his mouth pretty bad…

Jared: yeah, I heard that

Lauren: he was all swollen for the past two days…didn’t look like our little moshe

Jared: awww… poor kid… he chip a toof?

Lauren: No, thank G-d…but he’s really bruised and there are dark marks behind his 2 front teeth… the swelling went down today, but he still has a lot of bruising

Jared: that’s how you learn not to stand on a rocking chair… he’s wobbly enough without help

Lauren: the whole thing was so flukey… i always tell him not to stand on chairs

Jared: now the chair told him

Lauren: right

Jared: and the floor said, “told ya”

Lauren: uch, he was so sad

Jared: :o/

Lauren: no, the book case said “told ya”

Jared: OUCH

Lauren: mm hmm

Jared: this is why I don’t read… books are a hazard

Lauren: lol

Jared: especially in cases

2. From Day 6…

I wanted to share a short exchange I had with my friend Sam (short for Samantha) at one of my weekly poker games last night. Sam can be described as spunky. I forget how the conversation got there, but she admitted to having a Tinkerbell t-shirt. I remarked that didn’t shock me in the slightest. She said, “Because I constantly zip around the room.” And I added, “And because we clap when we believe you exist.”

1. From Day 12, reflecting on the death of munchkin, Mickey Carroll…

This story got me to wondering…how many munchkins are there left? The annual meeting of the Lollipop Guild probably takes up half a booth at Chuck E. Cheese now. There was another story in the news today about how Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet are paying the nursing home bills of the last remaining Titanic survivor. We’re down to two Golden Girls now too. What generational icons will we have when we get to that age? I mean, I’ve already started the clock waiting for the cast of The Hills to die.

Shows at the DC Improv for Friday and Saturday are SOLD OUT. The only tix available are for Sunday. Get ’em while the gettin’ is good.

See you tomorrow…

Still on the Fritz…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May

Hey there ‘Redheads… My laptop that I brought on the road with me is still being uncooperative (and keeps calling me “Dave” for some reason) so, I’m going to put the turd in Saturday and just pop another place holder in here so I can keep the Blog-A-Day in May streak alive. Once I get home tomorrow, I’ll be fully operational again and I can properly foist my hackery upon you without any further technical impasse… Your patience is appreciated.

See you on Mudder’s Day…

Six Symbol

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, sandwich, Washington Capitals

Hey there ‘Redheads… I’ve only got an hour left to get Day 6 of Blog-A-Day in May in the books before the clock strikes midnight. Three quick things to share. Just got back from watching the Caps game at my buddy Greg’s place. Simeon Varlamov is a brick wall with a head. He’s the only reason the Caps didn’t get outright embarrassed tonight. The second period looked like a twenty-minute long Penguin power play…seriously, can hockey be played half-rink?

Before the game, we had dinner at one of my favorite little restaurants, Roy’s Place. Right in the heart of old town Gaithersburg. They offer over 200 sandwiches on the menu. I indulged in my favorite, The Dracula… Two Polish sausages wrapped in bacon, with broiled provolone cheese, buried in cole slaw & Russian dressing on French bread. Yum-a-dum dum. Yes, the heart of old town Gaithersburg is kinda plaquey.

Finally, I wanted to share a short exchange I had with my friend Sam (short for Samantha) at one of my weekly poker games last night. Sam can be described as spunky. I forget how the conversation got there, but she admitted to having a Tinkerbell t-shirt. I remarked that didn’t shock me in the slightest. She said, “Because I constantly zip around the room.” And I added, “And because we clap when we believe you exist.”

See you tomorrow…

All You Can Eat

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Australia, baseball, comedy, eating, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Miss Universe, skinny

Hey there ‘Redheads… Happy belated Earth Day to one and all. I hope everyone took the time to minimize their carbon footprints, or at least cover them up so they can’t be traced back to you. Lots of celebrating going on in April. Today was Take Your Spawn to Work Day and, so I’m told, National Competitive Eating Day. Now there’s something you won’t see an Ethiopian beat us in the closing seconds. Leave it to the good old U.S.A. to assign a point system to gluttony. I’ll tell you who else won’t be challenging our gastric superiority, if their supermodels are any indication…Australia. This is one of the contestants in the Miss Universe Australia competition…


Her name is Stephanie Naumoska. She’s 19 years old, 5’11”, 108 lbs, and ribbed for your pleasure. There’s a huge uproar that she promotes an unhealthy body image. Well, when you’re so skinny people are offering to sponsor you for 85 cents a day, maybe it’s time to mix in a $5 foot-long. This girl makes Maria Shriver look like Augustus Gloop. I’m impressed by the forward thinking of the Aussies. This is the Miss Universe pageant she’s shooting for. Eventually, that title will have to be defended intergalactically. The entrants she’d be up against will look like this…

I kid, but it turns out that she has a lucrative career as a remedial art class body model…like Leo in Titanic, I must draw her…
Ok, enough of the tall pictures to pad the blog length. Regular readers know that I’m about quality of quantity…it makes my odds better that something in here will actually be funny. One thing I don’t stand for, it’s typos. Even with the words I make up, great care is taken to spell them right. Call me crazy, but I want something that represents me to reflect professionalism…even if it is through a funhouse mirror. Boy would my face be red if I misspelled something so basic as my name…good thing I’m not a professional sports franchise…that would be at least twice as embarrassing…
Well, at least they didn’t misspell “DC”. DC: The city that proofreads. There’s no “I” in “team”, but there’s an “O” in “Holy fuck.” C’mon, Nats. Your attendance is already less than that model’s daily calorie intake. Let’s make sure we dot our t’s and cross our i’s.

For my Charm City ‘Redheads, I’m back in Baltimore one last time before I kick off my 7 week regional comedy tour. Check me out at the late night Bar Bacon Fun Time Comedy show on Friday night. Click the link for all the bacony details. Speaking of my upcoming whirlwind (ok, slight breeze) schedule, here’s a quick refresher on where and when I can be found at a purveyor of mirth near you…

April 30 – May 2@ the Comedy Factory in Baltimore, MD
May 8 & 9 @ the Comedy Zone in Harrisburg, PA
May 14 – 17 @ the DC Improv (opening for JEFF ROSS)
May 21 – 23 @ the Funny Farm in Youngstown, OH
May 29 & 30 @ the Comedy Zone in Greensboro, NC
June 5 & 6 @ the Comedy Zone in Charleston, WV
June 11 & 12 @ Cozzy’s in Newport News, VA
July 31 & Aug. 1st @ Bogey’s Comedy Club in Willoughby Hills, OH

Mark your calendars. Go to Jared.

To be continued…

Fanuary

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Baltimore Comedy Factory, Cardinals, comedy, Facebook, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, plastics, Wiseacres

Hey there ‘Redheads… How’s your year been so far? We’re roughly two weeks in and I must say, mine is doing well to keep my low expectations and false hopes alive. The last installment was a quick one, so I’ve got about six pounds of crap to cram into this five pound bag of bunk. First, you may have noted the title. Why not kick off ’09 with some patented (pending) ’08 stunt blogging that’s past it’s sell-by date? Consider this a pledge drive of sorts. Since MySpace has become the light rock on the social network radio dial, I figured I’d start to dig my heels in over on Facebook. Take a gander over at the right-hand side of the blog and you’ll see the link to my Facebook fan page (where it says BECOME A ‘REDHEAD). Click on it and pledge your digital devotion in my general direction.

Big thanks to Charm City and the crackerjack staff at the Baltimore Comedy Factory for yet another great weekend on their stage. We had some fun shows, despite a couple being lightly attended. Our first show on Saturday night fell victim to the juggernaut of the NFL Playoffs…specifically, the Ravens game. All of Baltimore was glued to a bar stool in front a flat screen tv, mainlining beer and chicken wings, while the Ravens plucked out the eyes of the Titans. There was about 25 people at the show…most of them Steelers fans. We still had fun. I was pretty psyched, because I test drove some brand new material all weekend and it’s a keeper. Speaking of the playoffs, I’m pretty sure if the Cardinals go to the SuperBowl, the seismic force of every football fan in America simultaneously smacking themselves in the forehead, will cause a tsunami that will swallow Tampa Bay. So…Go Eagles.

We’ll be right back after this brief message…

…and we’re back. The economy is rough, so I figured I’d sell commercial time on the blog. I’m also leasing out my left nostril to that family in the Mucinex ad. Tough times.

I would be remiss, if I didn’t mention the recent sinking of the good ship Wiseacres. They closed their doors pretty much right after the ball dropped. After getting my feet wet up in Baltimore, my formative comedy years were spent on the Wiseacres stage. I recorded my comedy cd there. It’s a big loss for the area comedy scene. It was the only regular weekly open mic held at an actual comedy club. When your primary goal is to eventually get work at a comedy club, there’s no better feedback you can get than from a comedy club crowd. Plus, it was a great place to hang out with your brothers and sisters in arms and shoot the shit in a Cheers meets Mos Eisley atmosphere…a wretched hive of scum and villainy where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you came. Hopefully, the hole it leaves will eventually get plugged.

Does everyone have their plans for the big inaugural festivities? This city is about to get swarmed with hope and smothered by idealism. They’re projecting 4 million people will show up in DC…4 million people who don’t know their way around. And I’m going to be right in the thick of the clusterfuckery (look it up). I finagled tickets to the Black Tie & Boots Inaugural Ball put on by the Texas State Society. Anyone know where I can find a pair a of cowboy boots and a bola tie?

To be continued…

Gravy

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in American History Museum, bris, comedy, dorks, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, jokes, R2-D2, Star Wars, Thanksgiving

Hey there ‘Redheads… I wanted to shoehorn one more installment into Yesvember, before the last couple days were lost to food coma. So consider this a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade of gaudy, over-inflated, and poorly expressed ideas to help distract you from candied yams, Detroit Lions football, and the awkward interaction with the sap of your family tree. A big fat thank you for tolerating me thus far. And away we go…

I just got back from the bris for my buddy Seth’s new little munchkin, Ethan Perry…who will eventually be a member of the cast of the 2028 (when our already insipid retro ironic self-referential pop culture is hip again, ripping a hole in time…get all that?) revival of 90210, with a name like that. This was the second winky snipping that I’ve witnessed. Only slightly less cringe-inducing than the last one. The kid put up a bit of a fight, when he peed on the mohel right before the circumsnippage (look it up) occurred. For some reason, the mohel had a bluetooth in his ear the whole time, I guess in case of a last minute pardon from the governor.

On Saturday, I took a trip down to the newly re-opened American History Museum. The cosmetic overhaul was well done, but I found the content of the place to be a bit lacking, particularly the pop culture representation. Sure, the regular history stuff is cool, but I was looking forward to seeing Fonzie’s jacket, Archie Bunker’s chair, or Herve Villechaize (coulda sworn he was there). Well, none of that is there anymore. Here’s a sampling of what was on display…you tell me if I’m being unfair. One case was devoted to women’s basketball…you heard me. The next case over was hip-hop themed, with Grandmaster Flash’s turntable and Fab Five Freddie’s boom box. Across from that was a case with boxing gloves from Muhammad Ali, Jack Dempsey, and, of course, Rocky. Then there was a case that had Apolo Anton Ohno’s speedskates…c’mon, this is the American History Museum, not a silent auction for the ice capades. Next to that, was something that actually belonged there, Kermit the Frog. The next case contained another muppet, Oscar the Grouch, the puffy shirt from Seinfeld, and the ventriloquist dummy from the 70’s tv show, Soap. Then there was the centerpiece of the exhibit, the ruby slippers from The Wizard of Oz. It was a pretty paltry hodgepodge. No mention of pop culture heavyweights Superman, Elvis, The Beatles, or Mickey Mouse. Luckily, the museum didn’t completely slight Star Wars. They had C3-P0 by the main entrance of the museum among a general sampling of historical trinkets. There was also an appearance by R2-D2, who rolled and beeped through the halls of the museum under remote control, courtesy of the DC chapter of the R2-D2 Builders Club. According to their brochure, they’re an internet based fan club (shocker) with over 5000 members…cluttering parents’ basements worldwide. The droids they had on display were pretty impressive…give ’em a click and check it out. While we’re on the subject, please enjoy this chunk of dork meat…

And while we’re at it, here’s a second helping…

Ok, enough of that. Here are some random processed joke-like product that’s been kicking around in my head the last couple days…

The inventor of the slinky died. He fell down the stairs…slowly. Actually, he got stuck with three steps left to go and someone had to push him the rest of the way down…

I have a Siamese twin-size bed. It’s two beds, connected at the headboard.

I’m bothered by the phrase “take a nap”. Like it’s not yours. Where are people taking these naps from?
“Jeez, Bill, you look like crap. You get enough sleep?”
“No, somebody took my nap.”

Thanks.

Meet The New Boss

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, election, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, McCain

Greetings from the other side of history, ‘Redheads… On Tuesday, the country had an election lasting longer than four hours…time to consult a physician. Mercifully, this political dust-up is over and we no longer have to hear about mavericks, message approvals, or any of that other crap that was cluttering our lives. I was enjoying how desperate McCain’s attack ads were by the last days of the campaign. I saw one that said, “You wouldn’t want a surgeon to operate on you with no previous experience, would you?” Well, no, but I also wouldn’t want one who was 73, couldn’t move his arms, and who’s nurse didn’t know Africa was a continent, either.

Now it’s done and, hopefully, we’ve picked the right guy for the job. Truth is we won’t know for awhile. His election is inspirational and historic, but I hope people don’t think this movie we’re living in is going to suddenly go from black and white to technicolor once he steps into office. Sure, the Democrats dropped a house on the Wicked Witch of the West Wing, but that house had been foreclosed on months ago, and the Lollipop Guild is laying off thousands of workers despite the high-pitched protests. The one thing we do know is that he seems to have the courage, the heart, and the brains to get us back on track. I’m pretty proud of that extended metaphor…I even synced it up with Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon.

We have a responsibility to uphold now too. By “we” I mean comedians. Listen up guys and gals. For years, we’ve fallen back on the stale stereotypical premise of “What if the President was black?” Well, now he is, so I’m calling for a moratorium on such hackery. We can do better.

Better than He’ll paint the White House black…
No, he won’t.
Better than He’ll put spinners on the motorcade…
No, he won’t.
Better than He’ll pardon a bucket of chicken on Thanksgiving…
No, he won’t.

Let’s rise above that level of Mencian twaddle and find some real reasons to mock Barack. Yes we can.

Ok, enough of the politicking…for now. If you’d like to hear some more, though, you could come check out the show at the Montgomery Drafthouse on Saturday. I’m opening for Daily Show writer, Adam Lowitt. This venue is shiny and new and could use you support. Tickets are only $10…a paltry sum for some high-minded hilarity.

To be continued…

Blog-o-ganda

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Bruce Campbell, comedy, DC Improv, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Playboy, Sarah Palin, Terry Tate, vote

Hey there ‘Redheads… Wow, two whole entries in Blogtober…this thing is really picking up pile of steam…yep, it sure is a steaming pile. I was hoping to find time to hammer out some fresh bloggage and luckily, my cable went out…so here we are. As of the last installment, the economy was in shambles. The Dow sunk like a turd after a beef dinner. And just to show you that no one is immune to this financial faceplant, I found this story the other day…

Playboy to eliminate 55 jobs in cost-cutting move

Playboy Enterprises Inc disclosed in a Wednesday regulatory filing that upcoming cost-cutting measures will include eliminating 55 jobs at the Chicago publishing and entertainment concern. Playboy also included in the filing a copy of a “Dear Fellow Employees” letter sent out to workers Wednesday, in which Chairman and Chief Executive Christie Hefner said the economy’s deterioration make it “unavoidable that we reduce our cost structure to reflect current economic realities.” Hefner’s letter spells out a number of cost-cutting moves, including consolidating facilities and reducing travel outlays and overtime. “Unfortunately,” she continued, the changes will also mean the elimination of about 80 positions in the company…”

Wow. 80 positions. I hope they hang on to Reverse Cowgirl…that one’s a keeper. You know things are crappy when people can’t even afford to jerk off anymore. These are dark times we live in. Which is why it’s so important to vote. See, this is the kind of public (I said “public”) service announcement that’ll get people to the polls…use one hand to pull the lever, so the other may yank the crank (message pending approval).

I found a couple bits of video that’ve helped me make up my mind. Check out Obama at the Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation dinner. It’s ten minutes long, but it’s an engaging ten minutes…stick with it…

He crushed. I expected him to drop the mic and walk off stage when he was done. I’m not a big issue guy. When it comes to picking a presidential candidate, I’m like a girl on Match.com…sense of humor is, like, sooo important. I think it shows a capability for abstract thought that is important in a leader. Besides, in order to be effective, you have to be, at the very least, charismatic. I have some problems with McCain, which are purely superficial, but that’s how I roll. First, he says “Warshington”. Learn to pronounce it first, then maybe we’ll let you live there. Also, he whistles his esses when he talks…irks the everloving crap out of me. When I close my eyes, Obama sounds presidential…McCain sounds like a cartoon squirrel. And have you seen Cindy McCain? She creeps me right the fuck out. She looks like Goldie Hawn from Death Becomes Her…



And don’t get me started on Sarah Palin…

Ok, enough politics. Here’s one thing we can all agree on, Bruce Campbell is a bad ass. He’s got a new flick coming out soon, called My Name Is Bruce. I’ll let the trailer speak for itself…

It’s coming to DC for one night and one night only at the Landmark on E St. on November 15th. Save the date.

Before I go, I must plug the big comedy show at the DC Improv Comedy Lounge on Saturday. Myself, John McBride, Erik Myers, and Joe Robinson will be on stage for your viewing pleasure. The weather is supposed to be wet and miserable, so let a smile be your umbrella and come laugh at us. Click the link for tix and info.

To be continued…

Title Pending

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Michael Phelps, Mr. Yuck, olympics

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Blogust continues to roll merrily along. Hello to all of you Meritt Scholars who’ve peeked in on the blog since Jimmy arbitrarily put me in charge of…something. Welcome all…that should bump the readership up by about two people. A couple random things to fill space with. I’m remembering why I can’t stand summer. Insects. I’m slowly being eaten alive. My pasty calves are an all-you-can-eat bug buffet. I’m more mosquito bite now, than man…twisted and evil. My only hope is that one of these things is radioactive so I can get super powers (which would answer the eternal question of “how much more could I suck?”).

How ’bout them ‘lympics, huh? Riveting human drama. I, like many, had an olympic-themed party…I ordered Chinese food and chain smoked with the windows closed. Michael Phelps is essentially Aquaman. He’s breaking world records like plates at a Greek wedding. Those records are tainted, I think. All of these swimmers are wearing these high tech suits that have microscopic dolphins sewn into them. Mark Spitz wore a speedo and a ‘stache that produced more drag than a Bosom Buddies reunion special. I think Phelps should have to wear his medals in the pool to even things out a little. I have also genuinely enjoyed watching the USA basketball team globetrot their way to gold.

I dabble in the internet dating. Plenty of sites out there for whatever odd niche you’re looking to get with. I’d like to add another into the mix for the 80+ crowd. CarbonDate.com…when you want to have the time of what’s left of your life. It can also cater to impatient necrophiliacs.

Take a stroll down Saturday morning memory lane…

To be continued…

J/B/P/T-A-DAY IN MAY 8: Is it enough?

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, health food, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, jokes, May

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s been a long day. My bed is calling my name. The time between me hitting the “publish” button and my head hitting the pillow will be measured in seconds. So, let’s get to the start of week 2 of JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY. As you can tell, I’ve upped the number of blogs on the page to seven. So, if you miss a day or three of this cavalcade of craptastic comedy, you can catch up and make your life whole again. Ok, onward and upward…

This goes with the Dr. Pepper premise from #6 which, for the sake of taking up more space, I’ll reprint here…

We live in an age when everything can kill us. Phones, cigarettes, old age…life is a Star Trek episode, and we’re the ensign with the red uniform on the away team with the bridge crew. There’s one particular hazard that I think will be mankind’s undoing. We created this monster for our enjoyment and it’s only a matter of time before it destroys us. Diet Chocolate Cherry Dr. Pepper. This isn’t a beverage, it’s a run-on sentence. I hope Dr. Pepper is an oncologist, because this chemical cocktail is enough to grow tumors in sand.

This is hardly the first time that a soft drink has contained suspect ingredients. Cocaine used to be in Coca-Cola. They had to take it out, because it hurts like hell when you snort Coca-Cola through your nose. Have you ever done that? Ouchie. But making poison delicious is just what we do. A spoonful of sugar to help the cyanide go down. And if it’s a choice between eating delicious poison or crappy health food, we generally pick the poison. I can understand why. We all suffer from the same terminal illness. Life has a 100% mortality rate, regardless of how much granola you eat. I sampled a health bar today that claimed it was “chocolate and peanut” flavor. This is a can’t fail combination in cups and pieces, but when I bit into it, Reese rolled over in his grave (is he even dead?..well, he rolled over in his bed). Y’ever eat something so bad that it turns you into Robert DeNiro? (this would be a visual joke, but it would involve a hacky facial impression act-out) My body rejected it. I spat out a suicide note written by my taste buds. That was supposed to be good for me.

I think this might have a shot at working. I just have to un-muddle the message that I’m trying to get across.

G’night…