Category: http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post

Idol, a Try

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in American Idol, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Magooby's

Hey there, ‘Redheads… On Tuesday, I offered you a peek into the future of reality competition shows. An innocent looking Luvs commercial…

It’s a metaphor for all of these shows. We judge the crap that comes out of people. And the one that mirrors the Luvs commercial the most is the recently revamped American Idol. I will admit that I only caught a very brief bit of the show last night. Thankfully, it was on DVR so I could beep boop past all of the self-aggrandizing introductions of the new judges, right to the auditions. That’s the meat of this first wave of episodes that we judgmental jackals drool over. We delight in watching the deluded masses get a reality check and get told that their years of training by singing in the shower hasn’t prepared them for super stardom. When they introduced the new panel, my first thought was, “Wow, Kara DioGuardi looks like shit.” Turns out that was Steven Tyler. Idol had a tough job of restoring the great balance of mean and overly nice/batshit crazy that Simon and Paula provided. Well, they got it half right. Now batting for batshit crazy is Steven Tyler, who looks and sounds like Gary Busey in drag. And in the role of overly nice, we have Jenny from the block. Essentially, they cut Paula in half (lithium poured out) and, like a Fantasia broomstick, both halves grabbed a bucket and began stumbling around. Randy is still there, but only so people can play the “dog” drinking game. The panel is now nice and batshit crazy without the harsh truth to pop the bubbles. The monster has had its teeth pulled and its meds doubled. Like I said, I saw about five minutes through my drooping eyelids, so maybe I just need to give it an awake and alert chance before I pass judgment, but where’s the fun in that?

Tonight is the home stretch of Magooby’s world record comedy marathon. I’m on at 8:00pm. The show is FREE. They just ask that you donate to Special Olympics. Get some bulk laughter and watch comedy history get made.

See you there…

Catnip

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Anne Hathaway, Batman, Catwoman, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Magooby's

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Big news has hit the interwebs about the third Batman flick. It was announced that Anne Hathaway will play Catwoman. Reaction that I’ve seen has been mixed. I’m going to reserve judgment on how she’ll be able to pull it off. When I first heard that Heath Ledger was cast as the Joker, I couldn’t see it, and his performance won a Batman movie a goddamn Oscar. Don’t get me wrong, two thumbs way up for Anne Hathaway in a skin tight catsuit, but that’s only part of Selina Kyle’s charm. Catwoman is an iconic character. Just ask Halle Berry. I’m sure her performance will put her somewhere between Eartha Kitt and Michelle Pfeiffer in the pantheon. I wish I thought of it first, but fellow DC area comic Mike James said, “Apparently all you have to do to be a Batman villain is bone Jake Gyllenhaal in a previous movie.” Hilarious.

Speaking of hilarious, do yourself a favor and check out the waning hours of Magooby’s attempt to break the world record for longest continuous comedy show. I had a great time on stage last night and watching my comedy comrades, Ayanna Dookie, Rob Maher, Sonny Fuller, and Mike Way, in action. Your last chance to watch me do my part in this herculean effort is tomorrow night at 8pm. Check me out, then hang out to watch the record get busted at 11:30. Like you really have anything better to do. And it’s for charity. Free bulk comedy and you can feel extra good about laughing at what our twisted minds come up with. About five years back, the standard credit for any comic in the Baltimore area was being an extra on The Wire. Co-holder of this record will replace that.

See you manana… Doo doo de doo doo…

C is for Crap

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in babies, comedy, diapers, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Magooby's, poop

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I saw something truly horrifying on TV yesterday. Given the amount of raw horror that spills out of the tube on a regular basis and how numb we’ve become to it, we’re not easily shocked anymore. Birds fall out of the sky? Ho hum. We’re jaded. But this nugget of odium came from an unlikely place: a diaper commercial…

Oh sure, it looks like a cute commercial, but think about what you just watched. A judged contest to see which child can take the more massive crap, on a stage in front of cheering fans that are snapping cell phone pictures. You see a cute baby cartoon. I see a grim window into the future of televised reality competitions. This does seem like the next logical step after competitive eating. And sure, some people in the crowd are there to cheer on their favorite baby but, just like people watch NASCAR to see the crashes, some sick bastards are there just to see a rupture. And in our world of manufactured celebrity, somebody will try to pass this off as a genuine spectator sport. Hey, everyone does it, right? UPS could sponsor. ABC will pass on it and FOX will add it to the line up after American Idol. You just watched and voted on people singing, now watch and vote on what comes out the other end. Yeesh.

Don’t let crap like that infect your soul. Come out to Magooby’s tonight to cleanse your soul with some comedy and charity. Right now, they’re roughly 22 hours into the 81 hour marathon. They need audience members. The show is FREE. Just drop something in the bucket for Special Olympics and you get as much comedy as you can handle. I’m on at 8pm tonight, followed by Ayanna Dookie, Rob Maher, and Mike Way.

See you there…

MLK Shake

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Magooby's, Martin Luther King

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Sorry for the last minute post that I have no excuse for because I had the day off from work. I just slid into home after a harrowing ride on the frozen tundra that is 295 from Baltimore to DC. I saw several cars that had done a triple lutz into an embankment or into a jersey wall. I’m just glad I got back in time to keep the blog going for you. See what I do for you? Anywho, I hope everyone enjoyed their MLK Day. I spent the day scratching the i’s out of every “Got Milk?” poster that I could find. I also met up with some friends at the American History museum. I paid tribute to another tireless civil rights advocate, Kermit the Frog. It wasn’t easy being green, people. Martin Luther King’s message still rings true today. You shouldn’t judge people by the color of their skin, when there are so many other reasons to judge people.

I just got back from my first contribution toward breaking the world record for longest continuous comedy show at Magooby’s. Things are off to a swimming start. They were at the eight-hour mark when I left. Just 73 more hours to go. Apparently, the whole thing is being broadcast on UStream, so go ahead and click the link if you’d like to satisfy your morbid curiosity and peek in on what a comedy show at 4:30 in the morning looks like. Please to also check out a chunk of the show live. Support the effort. Support comedy. Support the Special Olympics.

See you in a bit…

How I Wonder…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Magooby's, zodiac

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Week two of my attempt to mildly amuse on a regular basis is in the books, or the cloud, or whichever ether this mess is stored in. With another sheet torn off my 2011 word-a-day calendar, there comes another floccinaucinihilipilification disguised as an earth shaking discovery. Actually, it shook the heavens, or at the very least a Magic 8-ball. Apparently, the dates associated with the zodiac have been off for awhile. All these years you thought you were a gregarious, unassuming Libra and now it turns out you’re just an unassuming, gregarious Aries. Everything you know is wrong. The Chinese are laughing at us. They’ve had their astrological ducks (and the sauce) in a row for centuries. Now the planet tilts on it’s axis by a micron and we lose our celestial shit. I’m just amazed that we didn’t take this chance to completely rework the zodiac to something more celebrity-centric. Stars for stars, right? For instance, I’m an Affleck with a Bieber rising. Just remember, Earth, Wind, and Fire said it best, “You’re a shining star, no matter who you are.”

Speaking of prognostication that usually turns out to be wrong, I should probably give you my picks for this weekend’s slate of NFL playoff tilts. I have a feeling that it’s doing to be a bad weekend for anything that flies. The Packers will pluck the Falcons, the Pats will ground the Jets, and the Steelers will grind past the Ravens. The only thing with wings that’ll keep flapping into the next round will be the Seattle Seahawks, who’re playing the Bears, a team they’ve already beaten in Chicago. I was 2-2 last week, so I’ll probably be half right again.

Whatever general advice your horoscope gave you today, bend it to mean that you should go see a comedy show this weekend. There are tons of options to choose from in the DC/Baltimore area. I’m in two of them. Tonight, at the Comedy Spot in Arlington, VA and Saturday, at the Chesapeake Arts Center Studio Theater in Baltimore, I’ll be doing a set for the DC Comedy Lab. Click the link for info. Also, don’t forget that I’ll be carrying the baton in the comedy marathon at Magooby’s as they attempt to break the world record for longest continuous comedy show. All proceeds benefit Special Olympics. I’m on at 8pm on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. Check out a chunk of comedy for a great cause.

See you Monday…

All Glory to the HypnoPossum

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, cross eyed, Heidi, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, oppossum

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Well, 2011 is off to a rousing start. We’re not even two weeks in and birds are falling from the sky, Snooki is a published author, a homeless guy is the most famous man in America, and now, brace yourself for the next big thing…Behold Heidi, the German cross eyed opossum. Look upon her and despair. Isn’t it cute the way it looks like somebody glued a pair of googly eyes on it? She was featured on all of the morning news magazine shows this morning. She was offered free Lasik surgery by Meredith Viera on The Today Show. And job offers are already pouring in for Heidi. She’s been offered a lucrative endorsement deal from PetSmart, a fill-in hosting gig on Regis & Kelly, she’s going to squeak the national anthem at the Puppy Bowl, and there’s already a tv movie in the works, Playing Possum: How Heidi Crossed Her Eyes into Our Hearts, that’ll air on Animal Planet next week. Look for her to enter rehab by Friday.

See you then…

Hump Day Quickie

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, video games

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Happy Hump Day to ye. What’s left of it. I’m squeezing in a last minute quickie blog to keep things humming along, but it’s late and I have a sick girlfriend to tend to. Priorities, people. Case in point, a game that I’ve been following the development of for the last year or so just launched on Monday, DC Universe Online…

I’m torn because the game looks awesome and it would help me live out my 8 year old fantasies of teaming up with Superman and saving the world, but I’m 35 and I have a life. I can’t afford to get sucked into one of these massive online games for hours at a time, forgetting to eat, and turn into Gollum from Lord of the Rings. I’m having a hard enough time leveling up in the real world.

See you tomorrow…

Flurry of Activity

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, snow

Hey there ‘Redheads… A happy 1-11-11 to you. Not nearly as cool as November 11th will be, but I won’t begrudge you your arbitrary number celebrations. I can’t believe it’s still January. Man, this year is dragging. One group of people who’ll be happy when this day is over is local weather forecasters. Sure, I was 2-2 on my playoff predictions, but they’ve been about as reliable as a Magic 8-ball when it comes to winter storms in the greater (or slightly mediocre) DC area. First, we were told that two fronts were going to combine to give us our first big snow of 2011. Then, it was maybe 4 to 6 inches. Now, it’s a light dusting. As I look out my window at 5:30 pm, I’ve seen more flakes in a dandruff shampoo commercial. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not rooting for something that will snarl traffic and send people screaming to the store for enough toilet paper to stock Pepto-palooza ’11, I just want to see our paid prognosticators actually get something right. Stop teasing us. Not that it’s a tease for kids anymore, because the school districts are so reactionary, the mere mention of snow has them canceling classes for days. They didn’t get things totally wrong. There is snow, it just missed us high and outside. Philly up to Boston is getting buried. And I just learned that it’s snowing inside a house in Philly. My impossibly adorable niece and nephew got a hold of a roll of toilet paper, shredded it, and made it snow in my sister’s living room…That’s the funniest damn thing I’ve heard all day.

See you Wednesday…

Round Up 1.10.11

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Marshawn Lynch, NFL, playoffs, Seahawks

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Happy Monday to ya. An anagram for “Monday” is “dynamo”, which means “an energetic hard-working person”. The bulk of my Monday has been spent futzing around on the internet, howabout you? I had a pretty fun weekend, which was spent doing manly things, consuming red meat and pork products, guzzling beer, watching playoff football, and playing poker with money I couldn’t afford to lose.

I’m pretty happy with my NFL wildcard predictions. I went 2-2. I will always claim to be as accurate as a coin flip. The big upset, that no one outside of Seattle picked, was the Seahawks lighting up the defending SuperBowl champion Saints for 41 points. The back breaker for New Orleans came on an improbable 67 yard TD run from castoff Buffalo Bill, Marshawn Lynch. Every member of the defense had a shot at tackling him and whiffed like Charlie Brown getting the football pulled away by Lucy. Here’s a replay…

Amazing how far they’ve come with highlight technology these days. Another cool thing about that touchdown, the resulting ruckus created in the stands caused a goddamn earthquake. Up until that point, in the regular season, the only disaster on that field was the game play of the Seattle Seahawks. Philly fans have been known to cause odd natural occurrences too. They make it rain batteries.

Here’s some fun comedy tidbits to take note of. Starting Monday, the 17th, Magooby’s Joke House will attempt to break the world record for longest continuous comedy show. 81 hours. I’ll be making up an hour and a half of that, performing a half hour set on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday at 8:00pm. Proceeds from this herculean effort benefit the Special Olympics. Come check out a chunk of it and be a part of comedy history. This will probably be my only chance to get in the pages of the Guinness Book of World Records. If this doesn’t work out, I’m going to have to grow my eyebrows really long or something. Also, mark your comedy calendars for March 31st – April 3rd. That’s when I’ll be returning to the DC Improv to feature for Judah Friedlander from 30 Rock. Click the respective links for info and tickets. And maybe become a fan on Facebook, if you haven’t already.

See you tomorrow…

Picks n’ Flicks

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Ghostbusters, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, NFL, picks, playoffs, video

Hey there, ‘Redheads… It’s Friday, and my goal of consecutive daily posts, lackluster though they may be, has been met. I’ll take a break over the weekend and start back up on Monday. Still not sure if the week will fall into any kind of format moving forward, but it’s a start. I know, you don’t care, just type the funny. Ok then. Two things, then I’ve got a couple pieces of eye candy for you to suck on.

First, with the recent success of Ted Williams and his flood of job offers, I’ve decided to start writing all of my resumes on cardboard.

Second, the NFL playoffs kick off this weekend, so here are my picks for the wildcard round. I like the Seahawks over the defending SuperBowl champion Saints. You heard me. Outside of Reggie Bush, who’s three weeks back from a broken leg, the Saints don’t have any running backs. They just put Pierre Thomas and Chris Ivory on IR. Plus, the game is being played in Seattle, one of the loudest stadiums in the NFL. Also, my girlfriend is from Washington, so I kinda have to. I’ll take the Chiefs over the Ravens, mostly because I’m worried that the Ravens will succumb to whatever is killing all of these other birds around the world. Plus, I already picked the Chiefs for my rematch of SuperBowl I, so I gotta go with them. I’m in a quandary over the Jets/Colts game. I can’t stand the Colts, but I’d really like the Jets to lose, so the NY papers can make bad “Agony of De-Feet” puns about Rex Ryan’s foot fetish videos. Tie goes to the better joke, so I’ll take the Colts. Finally, in the Eagles/Packers game, I’m taking the cheese to stand alone. The Packers have the D to contain Vick, and this will be payback for when Vick came into Lambeau with the Falcons and handed Green Bay their first home playoff loss.

Here’s the eye candy I mentioned. First, the Ghostbusters trailer re-cut Inception style…

And here’s an uncle putting a whoopin’ on his nephew for acting like a thug on Facebook. The last line is classic…

See ya Monday…