Category: http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post

Party? Moi?

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, drunks, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Mardi Gras, New Orleans

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I’m going to admit this right up front. I’ve got nothing. I just got back from the kind of meal that bears eat before they start hibernating, so I’m in a digestive daze. But, I want to keep the streak of blogs going until I go on a short hiatus next week. In case you’ve forgotten, I’m hopping on a plane to New Orleans, where they’re having some sort of party. I’m still not quite sure what to expect. Actually, I’m very sure what to expect: drunken mayhem. A near nonstop cacophony of “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” until I get back on the plane to come home. Ten thousand fists all pumping in unison as beads fly haphazardly through the air to the awaiting boobs below. Girls going wild. And I’ll be resisting the temptation to call them whippersnappers and yell at them to get off my lawn. I may have to find an Advil patch I can slap directly onto my forehead for the screaming headache I’m going to have. Some people would say that, at 35, my wild partying days are behind me. Well, I never had wild partying days in the first place. I’ve got one decent tequila story in me, which involved passing out, casually puking onto some guy’s carpet, then being carried out of the party by two friends on mine. That was roughly 15 years ago. Other than that, I’m sure there are nuns that throw down harder than I do. I’m not going to pretend I don’t drink, I do enjoy a frosty beverage, but I never venture outside the safe confines of fuzzy lucidity. The kids who I’m going to encounter on Bourbon Street black out so much, their memories are patchier than the AIDS quilt. Luckily, I’ll be able to find some measure of peace and quiet at the casino. I’ll hide from one degenerate vice beneath the underbelly of another. Which reminds me, I still have to pack.

See you Friday.

FIGHT!

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Street Fighter, Thousand Pounds Fight Team, ultra combo

Hey there, ‘Redheads… My head hurts, so I’ll be whacking the blog pinata until delicious eye candy spills out so you have something to gawk at. I present to you a three video series from the Thousand Pounds Fight Team. Through some creative editing and bad ass fight choreography, they’ve become a human video game and brought Street Fighter 4 to life. I’ve never been able to do anything from a video game, except for that one time that I ate all those Flintstones vitamins while ghosts were chasing me. Enjoy…

See you Thursday…

Winning, Duh

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Anne Hathaway, comedy, funny, Gaddafi, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, In Memoriam, James Franco, Jared Stern, oscars, winning

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Welcome to the first day of March. Once again, my calendar is a flip book and the first two months of the year are gone. They’re not even giving me enough time to procrastinate anymore. Well, I guess time flies when you’re winning. So, for Charlie Sheen, tomorrow it’ll be 2014. He’s absolutely everywhere you look these last two days, giving interviews to anyone within earshot. It’s Charlie’s world and the rest of us are just along for the tour of the chocolate factory. He’s starring in The Sheening, and his two goddesses are those creepy kids in the hallway beckoning him to, “Come play with us, Charlie. For ever and ever and ever.” How many other obscure movie references can I make about this? Charlie has spent the last few years developing a immunity to cocaine powder. My question is, why is everyone shocked by him anymore? The man does not care, he’s not hurting anyone, his kids seem well cared for, and the only reason why his show got cancelled is because CBS got their panties in a bunch. He wanted to work, and he obviously was doing well enough in his condition to hit his marks up until now. Now he’s talking about warlocks and tiger blood, calling Sinatra and Jagger, “droopy-eyed, armless children,” and telling AA to take twelve steps off a cliff, so everyone gets all indignant and wonders how he can sleep at night. Well, my friends, if he decides to sleep, it’s on a giant pile of money with many beautiful women. He’s living the life we all wish we could. If you want to become more of a warlock rock star from Mars in your everyday life, might I recommend Charlie Sheen for the Soul. Charlie Sheen is a hell of a drug.

I have a feeling Gaddafi buried his head into a giant mound of Sheen like Pacino in Scarface. That’s the only guy making less sense than Charlie these days. What also makes no sense is there’s no consensus on how to spell his name. Maybe because if we get it right, he’ll be banished back to the 5th dimension. I’ve seen “Gaddafi,” “Qudhafi,” and my personal favorite, “Khadaffi,” mostly because it makes me think of Daffy Duck. Hard hitting political insight can be found elsewhere.

I should mention the Oscars before I sign off. They stunk. I’ll admit, I didn’t see all of the broadcast. I was over a friend’s house watching as my Terps toyed with my emotions while losing to UNC, while my girlfriend was hosting an Oscar party for her gal pals. Like I had mentioned on Friday, the only thing I was looking forward to was the In Memoriam segment, and they somehow managed to screw that up. Hollywood legends like Tony Curtis and Dennis Hopper got the same amount of screen time as a key grip from Howard the Duck. How do you not have Leslie Neilsen saying his classic, “Don’t call me Shirley,” line from Airplane? And they completely left out Corey Haim and Peter Graves. The hosts were awful. I’ve haven’t seen worse chemistry since the time I tried to make a battery out of a potato in my 4th grade science fair. James Franco was so wooden, he made Al Gore look like Dane Cook. By the end of the show, I thought Anne Hathaway was going to try to cut off her arm to get out from under him. There was such a sigh of relief when Billy Crystal was introduced, I thought the producers has brought him out of cryogenic freeze to take over. This just further proves that you never send an actor to do a comedian’s job.

See you Wednesday.

A Moment of Silence

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Welcome back from the weekend. I was going to have my usual blog full of blather and bluster. I was ready to give you a recap of the Oscars and Charlie Sheen’s latest ranting. Unfortunately, fate had other plans. I got kicked in the gut this morning by the news that my friend, high school classmate, and my first college roommate, Adam Lilling, died suddenly yesterday. I’m dumbfounded and devastated. Today was spent corresponding with friends about funeral arrangements and reminiscing about the last time we talked to Adam. It’s tough to come to terms with someone passing in his 30’s, especially when you’re also in your 30’s. No word on a cause of death, but no cause I can think of would make sense anyway.

Adam wrote the closing poem in our high school yearbook for our senior year. I’d like to share that with you…

Eternal Now and Again
Walls crumbling
dictators fallen under their tide
desolate soil nourishes feeble limbs,
yet the leaves turn yellow in autumn
and the sea breeze still stings our face.
Wide-eyed twilight moon, gazing into our tomorrow
sun glares in our eyes as it has for infinite yesterdays
and the trees will grow from the ground.
A world turning steadily ahead in circles
but to us it’s different, not the same reality
always higher or lower – incessantly in flux
Tomorrow beckons.

We’ll miss you, Adam.

Friday Round Up

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, movies, oscars, Sketchup

Hey there, ‘Redheads… For all of you who were working for the weekend, congratulations, you’ve arrived. I just got back from a show at my alma mater, the University of Maryland, to judge a preliminary round of the District’s Funniest College competition and tell jokes to the disaffected youth. Not only was the audience packed, but all of the fifteen contestants acquitted themselves nicely. Go Terps. Afterwards, I got to talking to a couple current members of the sketch comedy group I helped found, Sketchup. They’ll be having their 15th anniversary show in April. I feel proud and old at the same time.

Apparently, Charlie Sheen has gone Busey on us. If you haven’t heard his radio rant from yesterday, he referred to himself as a “Vatican assassin warlock.” If that’s not the next movie on SyFy Channel, I’ll be sorely disappointed. He can fight Sharktopus. He rambled for about twenty minutes about how he’s healed himself with his mind and how he’s unappreciated for polishing turds into comedy gold. Do yourself a favor and give it a listen. It makes Mel Gibson sound like Frasier Crane. Now CBS has halted production on Two and a Half Men and everyone is worried what will become of one of the highest rated sitcoms on TV. I have a simple solution for them. Something that has worked for shows like Happy Days and Married with Children. Two words: Ted McGinley. He’s plug and play. Give him a call. I bet his schedule is wide open.

The Oscars are Sunday and the only thing I’m really looking forward to is the In Memoriam segment. I’ve only seen two of the flicks that are up for Best Picture, Inception and The Fighter. All I know is, Inception was one of the most satisfying movie going experiences I’ve had in about five years. It was original and well made. Right now, my opinion of the movie industry isn’t great. So many remakes and reboots and regurgitated crap in 3-D. There are plans in the works to remake Fletch, Highlander, and to reboot Spider-man and Superman. Hollywood, reboot thyself. Just re-release the original movies. You’re just trying to mine the nostalgia anyway. Howabout you leave our memories alone and go make some new ones, huh? By the way, if you pay money to see Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, we can’t be friends anymore. Just putting that out there.

See you Monday.

A Little Chili

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in chili, comedy, free food, Hard Times Cafe, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, National Chili Day

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Happy National Chili Day to you and yours. I just got back from the Hard Times Cafe, where I did my patriotic duty and enjoyed a free bowl of meat. That’s right, at the Hard Times Cafe, you got a free bowl of chili with any purchase. So, I washed down my glass of sweet tea with a heaping bowl of Texas chili. As I was wiping away the last crumbs of cornbread, the waitress said something that I found odd. She was a bit frazzled by the uptick in business on this glorious day and she told me that people can be mean when they get free food. They were getting indignant and angry upon finding out they had to pay extra for toppings, like sour cream and jalapenos. You ungrateful bastards. Free food is one of the most joyous things in this world, and you have to sully it with your pettiness. When a nice lady, working for tips, is good enough to bring free food to your table, you greet her with a smile. Don’t make her job harder by being petulant. When our forefathers declared today National Chili Day, they wanted to reward the people with a warm hearty bowl of goodness and allow us to share in the spirit of togetherness that free chili brings. Don’t get greedy. Enjoy your free chili and don’t look at the bowl as half empty.

See you Friday.

Picture Page

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Cracker Barrel, Hooters, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Michael Jackson, North Carolina, pictures

Hey there, ‘Redheads… They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Well, then this blog will contain roughly five thousand words. I was going through my camera after telling you about my trip to Calvert Cliffs, and I realized that I had a bunch of random shots on here that I’ve never shared. Mostly things I found odd or amusing during my comedy road trips. So, in the interest of padding the blog like a 14 year old girl’s bra on her first date, here we go…A typo? At a Hooters? I’m shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here. Either it was a typo or there was a Mothers Against Drunk Driving event going on. Everybody else seemed all for it, however.

I call this one, “Sweet Victory, Sweet Tea.”

Here’s a creepy wall of puppets I found at J*R Discount Outlet that should adequately haunt your nightmares.

No comment.

Here’s a receipt I got at a Donato’s in Lake Norman, NC. Check out how the girl behind the counter chose to spell my name. JARADD. I don’t mind that she mixed up the vowels, but what’s up with the double D? I’ve never seen anyone stutter at the end of someone’s name before. It looks like I’m a henchman in a skateboard gang. I’ve seen many misspellings of my name, but I’ve never seen it turned into a Picasso like that before.

And, finally, here’s a prize that was available at the North Carolina State Fair. A stuffed Michael Jackson. Let’s get beyond the irony of winning a stuffed MJ for your child to cuddle with. I’ve never seen a stuffed version of an ACTUAL PERSON. Characters, sure, but last time I checked, Michael Jackson wasn’t fictional. Happy Black History Month, by the way. Stay classy, North Carolina. Sheesh.

See you Thursday…

Alone Time

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Don Pardo, Dreamcast, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Libya, Sega, Shining Force, travel advisory
Hey there, ‘Redheads… This installment of the blog may be more of a rambling mess than usual. My girlfriend is gone on a business trip to sunny San Diego and I’ve been left to my own devices. One device in particular, my Sega Dreamcast, has been occupying the bulk of my time since I got home from work. And I wasn’t even playing a game from when Dreamcast was new. I was frying my eyeballs playing Shining Force, which originally came out when I graduated high school. Still holds up. Since I don’t have to divide my attention between it and her, I decided to plug in and make up for a couple days of neglect. She gets flowers, it gets its buttons mashed. Games like that eat time and in that time, you forget to eat. Want a great diet plan? Get invested in a turn based RPG. Your eyes will be a little sunken, and your complexion might get a little pallid, but the rapid eye movement really burns the calories. In the blink of a bloodshot eye, three hours were gone. It was only because I set an alarm that I realized that I needed to get typing to make my arbitrary deadline. Anywho, I’m done interacting with the imaginary forces of good and evil and I’m ready to interact with you, my imaginary readers.

Happy 93rd Birthday to legendary television voice, Don Pardo. He’s been the voice behind countless TV programs and gameshows, including Saturday Night Live, which he continues to do even in his 90’s. Here’s a fun trivia question for you. Don Pardo is one of only two people to have a lifetime contract with NBC. Can you name the other person? If you answer it correctly, Mr Pardo would tell you that you’ve won a twenty volume set of the Encyclopedia International, a case of Turtle Wax, and a year’s supply of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat. But that’s not all!

The State Department has issued a travel warning for Libya. Great, now Spring Break is ruined. Do you really have to tell people not to go to Libya? Maybe there is some hidden exotic destination somewhere over there, but even if you get a great rate from Travelocity, I’m pretty sure most people will be able to pass on the deal. If you have your bags packed and have your Southwest boarding pass tucked in your jacket pocket and it takes a State Department travel advisory to tell you it might be a bad idea to check out Six Flags Over Tripoli, they should just stamp your passport with a big red DUMBASS. Just sayin‘ is all.

See you Wednesday…

Prez Dispenser

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Calvert Cliffs, comedy, gym, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Martin Van Buren, President's Day

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Happy President’s Day to you and yours. The day when we celebrate the presidents of the past, like George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, and the presidents of the modern day, like David Palmer and Bill Pullman from Independence Day. It’s because of them that we’re able to get such great deals on mattresses and cars. While some presidents are well known to us, there are some that remain a mystery…

So, here’s my gym update thus far. I’ve been going and sticking to the regimen that the trainer showed me. I tried to kick it up a notch and take a cardio kickboxing class today. Here’s a sure sign that such a class is not for you: your field of vision starts to narrow five minutes in. Holy crap, am I out of shape. My girlfriend tells me that the burning in my lungs was normal, but that was red flag for me. I gave it what I could before stumbling out of the class to try to catch my breath, which left a couple minutes before.

On Sunday, my gal and I embarked on a road trip. We flipped a series of coins to figure out which direction to go, and south won. We ended up at Calvert Cliffs State Park…It was pretty scenic. It was a picturesque (because I took pictures) two mile hike out to the cliffs, which were essentially carved out of years of erosion. They were made of sand and clay. People are encouraged to dig through the layers to try and find fossilized shark teeth and such. I had been spoiled for nature after my visit to the Grand Canyon last year, but enough time had past that I wasn’t so jaded that this wasn’t cool to look at. Nature is fun, when it’s not trying to kill you. Here are some other shots from our hike…I’m a regular Ansel Adams. Anyway, it’s a fun way to spend a Sunday if you’ve got nothing to do. It was about an hour and a half drive and Solomon’s Island is right near by, if you dig seafood.

See you Tuesday.

Friday Night Videos

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, video, weather, wind

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Another gorgeous day in DC-land. Ice cream men and women got themselves a bonus day to peddle popscicles if they were able to wake from their hibernation, wipe the sleep out of their eyes, and jump start the truck. Everyone was out and about today, test driving frisbees and letting children off their leashes to frolic. I hope you got your lazy butts outside and cleansed your insides with some fresh spring-like air. If you did, cherish it because in a matter of moments that fresh air is going to whip up 50+ mile per hour winds and try to forcibly take that breath back. I’d like to go a week without the weather forecast including something out of a biblical wrath story. Topper Shutt might as when grow a beard like Evan Almighty at this point. You’ve enjoyed the good, so now it’s time to hunker down and outlast the oncoming bad. To that end, for your viewing pleasure, and so I don’t have to type as much, I offer some shiny moving pictures to gawk at rather than twist in the wind…

I give you action…

I give you sarcasm…

And I give you kids saying the darndest things…

Are you not entertained? Then go fly a kite. Except tonight, the kite flies you. I don’t know what I’m talking about either. See you Monday.