Category: http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post

Good Pain

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, gym, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Results, work out

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Happy Chinese New Year…in bed. Wow, is it the Year of the Rabbit already? The time does fly. So, remember, a couple blogs ago, when I told you that I was going to the gym? Rockin’ the treadmill, breaking sweat like plates at a Greek wedding. Yeah, well, y’know what I wasn’t doing? Any actual exercise. When we redeemed the Groupon over at Results Gym last week, I signed up for a one time consult with a trainer, so I could make sure I wasn’t doing anything incorrectly. Well, that consult was today. The initial result? OUCH. I’m more lactic acid now than man; twisted and evil. I wince when I walk, I whimper when I sit, and I whine when I stand up. Then my girlfriend reminds me that I am a giant baby. She’s tough, but fair. I have muscle groups that have woken up out of a three year coma. My biceps are pissed because I didn’t maintain their haircut and my glutes can’t believe the president is black. This is what I wanted, though. The pain lets me know that I actually did something and begs me to never do it again. We went through a pretty basic regimen that included lunges, push-ups, dips, and curls. The lunges came first and after the second set, my legs turned to pudding. I was about as sure footed as Bambi on a frozen pond. And most of these exercises were done in front of a mirror so I could see my face contort with each exasperated rep. All of this will hopefully get my cardio up to a level of non-embarrassment. The goal I’ve set for myself is to run in Survive DC when it comes around again this year without wheezing after the first all out sprint. I’ll, of course, keep you posted. I’ll have a bag of frozen peas on my ass in the meantime.

See you Friday.

The Shadow Knows…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Groundhog Day, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Punxutawney, Terps

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Good news from the immortal Pennsylvanian prognosticator, Punxutawney Phil. He did not see his shadow this year, so it’s nothing but sunshine and lollipops because Spring is just around the corner. Unless you live in the 75% of the country that is currently being flash frozen by yet another brutal cold snap. It’s snowing in Dallas. It’s so cold down there, the Green Bay Packers decided to practice indoors. I think either Phil is going blind or maybe he was just being sarcastic. Y’know who else didn’t see their shadow today? This guy… I’ve been to Punxutawney and I know the inner workings of the groundhog illuminati. Read all about it.

In other news, the Terps take on the current incarnation of evil in the NCAA, the Cobra Kai of college basketball, Duke tonight in College Park. Duke is the only good team in the ACC right now and the Terps are young and inconsistent. Duke is coming off having their asses handed to them by St. John’s, so they’re going to be angry but the Terps always play them hard, including a close loss against the Dukies in their house. If we win, look for the plume of smoke from the celebratory couch burning. If we lose, look for the plume of smoke from the despondent couch burning. Either way, the Terps express themselves through charred upholstery. I just want them to play well and give a couple hard fouls to that sweaty orc, Kyle Singler…He hasn’t seen his shadow either because it ran away.

See you Thursday…

Tuesday News Day

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Egypt, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern

Hey there, ‘Redheads… After I got done with yesterday’s blog, I realized that I had neglected worldwide goings on in favor of a comedian’s hair. So, let’s broaden our scope and take a look at the news of the day. Like the ruckus in Egypt…Wait a minute. FOX News might need to fire a staff cartographer. To be fair, at least the map doesn’t have “BAD PEOPLE” scrawled on it in red crayon. Isn’t Egypt part of Africa? I have to admit that I don’t know where Egypt is either, but I’m not a major news organization. Ah, here it is…Good thing Egypt can’t be offended by the mix up, because the government TURNED OFF THE INTERNET. I’m not sure what effect that would have on us. We’d either take to the streets with a pitchfork app or we’d somehow adapt by learning to spell “LOL” with smoke signals. Two things regarding the decision to shut down the internet. First, where is the giant OFF switch located, and do Mark Zuckerburg and Al Gore have turn a key simultaneously? Second, I think shutting it down would have the same effect that Mr. Burns taking away beer and TV had in that parody of The Shining on The Simpsons. No porn and no email make Egypt something something. Apparently, this uprising was organized through Facebook. I’d like to see that event invitation. I can’t get five people to show up to a free comedy show. Now that I’m taking a closer look at the map, you’d think the people in Karnak would’ve seen this coming (anyone?). And they should’ve thought something was fishy in Tuna El Gabai (c’mon, people). There’s been widespread looting and they even ransacked the tomb of King Tut. Steve Martin will be releasing a statement shortly. If there’s one thing that will quell a revolution, I’ve got to believe it’ll be a mummy curse. Now, the big concern is whether this will affect our gas prices. That’s what I love about this country. A nation is in complete political upheaval, and we find a way to make it all about us.

See you Wednesday…

Hair Raising

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, hair, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Monster Jam, Orny Adams

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Everybody have a good weekend? Mine was pretty fun. I filled in as MC for a couple late night shows at the Arlington Drafthouse with comedy comrade, Tim Miller, and your headliner, Orny Adams. You may remember Orny from Jerry Seinfeld’s documentary, Comedian. He’s the other comedian that the camera follows around when it’s not on Jerry. A fun time was had by all. Even with the snow, people found their way to us to warm up with some laughs. Orny’s got a Comedy Central special coming out soon. I recommend you check it out. His look has changed over the past couple years. His hair is bigger. The reason I mention that is because I was talking about it with Tim and I remarked that he looked like Lord Whorfin from Buckaroo Banzai…Tim had no idea what the hell I was talking about. So, I went with a different reference and I said he looked like Heat Miser…Still had no idea. I’m not that much older than him. Are these two things that obscure? I get not having seen Buckaroo Banzai (but seriously, if you haven’t, rent it), but who hasn’t heard of Heat Miser? Is it a black/white thing? Help me out, people. Anyway, was I far off?Just sayin’ is all…

Also, because of my comedic responsibilities, I missed out on seeing my first monster truck rally. You heard me. Monster Jam was in town and, on a lark, a bunch of friends decided to go. I was pretty jealous that couldn’t partake in the white trash festivities. I’ve been to plenty of live wrestling events, but this is on another level. I’m sure it was a hoot and a holler. It’s not often that you get a chance to cheer on cars getting crushed by bigger cars, unless a Hummer backs over a Smart Car while parallel parking.

More on Tuesday…

Friday Random Crap

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Bollywood, comedy, Dateline, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Ninja, Today Show

Hey there, ‘Redheads… It’s finally Friday and this whole regular blogging thing is still humming despite my obvious lack of content. I was watching the Today Show this morning and they did a story on duct cleaning scams with Chris Hanson from Dateline. They had him pop out in some lady’s basement to confront a shady duct tech. I bet that guy was too busy frantically thinking about every email and IM he’s ever sent to concentrate on his shoddy workmanship.

Here are two videos that’ll make your face melt, they’re so awesome. First, here’s a video of what I can only imagine is a ninja in his spare time…

This video pretty much tells Isaac Newton to go fuck himself. For this guy, gravity might as well be a speed limit sign. He can’t drive 55. The next video is a piece of Bollywood brilliance, Endhiran…

Not even Michael Bay, in his wildest fever dreams, could come with something that insane. And how bad ass is that guy? He looks like Deepak Chopra’s evil twin, ridding himself of negative emotions one bullet at a time. I’d actually like to see him take on the guy from the first video.

For those of you in the Arlington, VA area, I picked up a fill-in MC gig over at the Arlington Drafthouse tonight and tomorrow. Yeah, you only get about 5 minutes of me, but Tim Miller and Orny Adams will the there to pick up the slack.

See you Monday…

Diggin’ Out

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Bill Paxton, Christopher Lee, comedy, Dan Aykroyd, Eric Stoltz, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Kenny G, snow, trivia

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Is everyone enjoying your snow day? Unfortunately, I had to go to work today, but since everybody else was socked in, my commute was a breeze. A stiff cold breeze. But the roads were clean and clear. I guess people didn’t abandon their cars on my route to work. I can’t believe people did that. Maybe I’m just spoiled with four-wheel drive, but in blizzard conditions, I’d rather be in a heated metal shell than out. How do all you snooty Prius owners feel about our gas guzzlers now, huh? The environment doesn’t care what you’re trying to do for it. Case in point, my buddy Nick, who swapped his hybrid with his mother’s 4×4 to make sure his car didn’t slip into an embankment. While he was able to get around during the storm, a tree fell an crushed his hybrid in his mom’s driveway. What I’m saying is, you owe it to yourself to put nature in it’s place. Go spray some aerosol.

I’d like to get in on the snowings-on, so I think I’ll attempt a roof deck snowman when I get home. Happy to not be one of the 400,000 people without power in the DC area. If I were still living at the former Stately Stern Manor, I’d probably be in Amish country too. Hopefully, you’re still able to read the blog by candlelight.

For those of you who gave my trivia questions a go, here are the answers…

1. Who is the only actor that has been killed by a Terminator, an Alien, and a Predator? That would be Bill Paxton, who bought it in Aliens, Predator 2, and he was in Terminator. He was one of the punks that Arnold killed for their clothes in the beginning…

2. What movie did Steven Speilberg give Dan Aykroyd a cameo in to thank him for putting Speilberg in Blues Brothers? Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Aykroyd is the guy that greets Indy at Lao Che’s air field.

3. Who was originally cast as Marty McFly in Back to the Future, but was fired three weeks into filming and replaced by Michael J. Fox? Eric Stoltz.

4. Who holds the world record for playing the longest note ever recorded on a saxophone? Kenny G, who, using circular breathing, held an E-flat for 45 minutes and 47 seconds.

5. Which living actor has made the most films to date? Not Samuel L. Jackson. Not even close. He only has 107 films to his credit. The correct answer is Christopher Lee, who at the age of 89 has appeared in over 260 films.

Hope you liked ’em. Maybe we’ll make this a regular feature on here. Or not. See you Friday.

Bloggin’ in a Winter Wonderland

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, snow, trivia

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Well, I guess the people in the snow business finally got their bulk shipment in. Everyone’s inner five year old roots for the white stuff until it snarls traffic and keeps your outer thirtysomething on the beltway for three hours. It sure is pretty, though. I usually host a trivia night in Bethesda on Wednesday nights, which got shelved because I place a higher priority on not dying on a drive home to Capitol Hill at 10pm. My priorities are way out of whack. Since I didn’t get a chance to ask pointed pointless questions for points, why don’t I lay some triviality on you, the snowbound reader? That question was rhetorical and does not count. Try not to google the answers…

1. Who is the only actor that has been killed by a Terminator, an Alien, and a Predator?

2. What movie did Steven Speilberg give Dan Aykroyd a cameo in to thank him for putting Speilberg in Blues Brothers?

3. Who was originally cast as Marty McFly in Back to the Future, but was fired three weeks into filming and replaced by Michael J. Fox?

4. Who holds the world record for playing the longest note ever recorded on a saxophone?

5. Which living actor has made the most films to date?

Answers tomorrow. ‘Til then…

State of Me

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in boehner, comedy, gym, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, State of the Union

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I, like alot of you, just got done watching the State of the Union address. In order to spice up the proceedings, I drank every time John Boehner got weepy. I am hammered. Man, he did not look happy when Obama brought up clean energy. This doesn’t make any sense to me. He’s so tan, you’d think he’d be pro-solar power. Boehner is so orange, he makes Snooki look like Gwyneth Paltrow. When Obama started talking about how the space race spurred such growth back in the 60’s, I was hoping he’d say, “…which is why I propose we put a man on Mars before the North Koreans do!” I thought it was a good speech, but with the intermingled seating between parties, it was tough to tell which side agreed with him. I always enjoyed the lopsided standing ovations of States of the Union past, one side on their feet, while the other side has their arms crossed and bitter beer faces. But enough about the Union. Let’s get to the state of me.

I’m not sure what’s gotten into me lately, but this is the second night in a row I’ve gone to the gym. My girlfriend got a Groupon for a one month membership to Results, so now I aim to get some. I’ve started slow, literally, I’m power walking on the treadmill. Two and a half miles over randomly inclined terrain at a brisk 3.5 speed setting. I know, I’m an animal. A sloth. I had to keep myself from laughing when a woman in her sixties got on the treadmill next to me. Here I am, at 3.5, with a variable incline of 0 to 1.5, and I look over to see her at 3.6 at a steady incline of 7. Maybe I’ll try a water aerobics class tomorrow. Anyway, it’s a start. I’ve stayed steady with the blog, so maybe I can stick with this and mold this tub of goo into something that resembles abs. Let’s just go for one ab. Baby steps. In fact, I half expect a toddler to bench more than me at this point.

See you Wednesday…

301

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Aliens, Christopher Walken, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jack LaLanne, Jared Stern, NFL, playoffs

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I hope everyone found a way to keep warm over the weekend. Man it’s cold. It’s like Antarctica cold. Nanook couldn’t take this kind of cold. It’s toughest on the homeless, though I haven’t seen any garbage can fires. I hope they realize, for the environment’s sake, it’s much more responsible to set fire to a recycling bin. ***The more you know…

I huddled up with some friends in front of a glowing movie theater screen at midnight on Saturday to let Aliens soothe my shivers like a cup of hot cocoa. My girlfriend could not understand why I was spending $10 to see a movie that I own on DVD. I’ve seen it more times than I can count. It’s on my iPod. I could do a one man show of nothing but Aliens quotes. That’s not the point. Never pass up an opportunity to see a classic flick on the big screen. Speaking of which, Airplane! is coming back to theaters for two days next week, 1/29 @ 12:30pm and 2/1 @ 7pm, at select AMC theaters. Do yourself a favor and spill a couple popcorn kernels in the aisle for Leslie Nielsen.

I finally fine tuned my powers of prognostication and picked a peck of pickled playoff peppers with the Packers and Pittsburgh. After going 2-2 the first two rounds, I managed to go 2-0 this weekend. The question is, will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I’m 6-4? Both games were pretty entertaining to watch. The Pack went through Chicago quarterbacks like kleenex and good luck getting the image of B.J. Raji’s touchdown celebration dance out of your head. When he gyrated his yellow spandex clad ham hocks, he damn near affected the tides. In the other game, apparently, the Jets’ flight got delayed until halftime, because that’s when they decided to show up and play. They almost came back, but then Ben Roethlisberger did what he does best and forced his way to victory. I’ve got a new nickname for Mark Sanchez. Sisyphus. Sanchez is cursed to push Rex Ryan up a hill, only to watch him roll back down. By the way, thanks to Jim Nance for saying , “Roethlisberger pulled out early” on a fumbled snap. They won’t show that highlight on Sports Center.

Some sad news this morning as fitness pioneer Jack LaLanne died at the age of 96. The irony is, if I went to the gym today, I’d come back feeling like a 96 year old man. According to his wishes, he’ll be juiced.

Over the weekend, the real time action flick, Nick of Time came up in conversation. While it wasn’t a great flick, it contains one of the better cinematic Christopher Walken moments of all time. I’ll leave you with that and two other classics for your viewing pleasure…

See you Tuesday…

Milestoned

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Bart Scott, comedy, Guinness Book of World Records, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Jets, Magooby's, playoffs

Hey there, ‘Redheads… This post is about milestones, two arbitrary and one that belongs in an episode of Ripley’s Believe It Or Not (wow, I’m old). Let me rattle a few off for you. This is the 300th installment of the blog (only took me 5 1/2 years). As of yesterday’s post, the blog passed the 26,000 hit mark (most of those are me constantly clicking on the blog to see how many hits I have). And, the most important one, one that will be inscribed in the annals of history, Magooby’s Joke House in Baltimore broke the Guinness World Record for Longest Continuous Comedy Show last night. 81 hours of comedy. An hour and a half of which was my brand of mild amusement. I had the good fortune of having some cherry time slots. 8pm is a perfectly normal time for comedy. Kudos to my comedy comrades who got on stage at noon or 4am. That’s when comedy is passed out. According to the rules, there had to be at least ten people in the audience, and at those times, that’s about all that was there. Apparently, over the 81 hours, we averaged 42 people a show. That was helped by the near sell out crowd we had for the final three hours. Here’s my set from last night. The video has the tail end of Jim Meyer’s set, then me, then Ayanna Dookie. There’s some new stuff in there, but I had to play the hits to fill the half hour.

Since there were so many comics involved in this, I’m thinking we should get a plaque or a trophy with everyone’s name on it to commemorate. A Comedy Stanley Cup, or something. Anyway, thanks to everyone who came out and supported us. The fact that a club in Timonium was able to break a record that was held by a club in L.A. really says something about the comedy scene ’round these parts. And it was all for a great cause. I think we raised over $30,000 for Special Olympics. That’s my good deed for the year.

I neglected to mention my playoff pick results on Monday. Once again, I went 2-2. I was right about it being a bad weekend for things that fly. All of the birds went down like a game of Duck Hunt. All that was missing was that dog to laugh at them…The one game that no one picked was the Jets-Patriots tilt. Tom Brady and the Pats crapped in their hat (almost sounds like a Dr. Seuss book). The Jets talk more trash than Oscar the Grouch, so it was nice to see them actually back it up, even though I picked the Pats. The game will probably be remembered best for the epic on-field post game interview that Bart Scott gave to Sal Pal…

So, in the hopes that I can continue my .500 playoff pick record, let’s pull out the magic dart board and look at the championship match-ups for this weekend. In the NFC, I’ve been picking the cheeseheads this long, so I don’t see any reason to jump off the wheel of gouda at this point. In the AFC, as fun as it would be to have Rex Ryan in the SuperBowl, just for the quotes in the two weeks leading up to it, I gotta go with Big Ben and the Steelers. Besides, I can’t think of two teams that’d piss off Jerry Jones more to have in his house on the NFL’s biggest night.

See you Monday… Can’t wait!