Category: Jared Stern

Technical Difficulties

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, harrisburg, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May

Hey there ‘Redheads… Sorry for the cop out post, but I’m experiencing some technical difficulties here on the road. The laptop I brought with me is having connectivity issues, so I’m writing on the office computer in the hotel. But, I wanted to keep the streak alive, so here’s a small place holder post for Day 8 of Blog-A-Day in May… Rest assured, tomorrow will be super happy double stuffed installment, including a review of Wolverine, my two shows tonight here at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone, and perhaps the dumbest thing I’ve seen recently at the mall here…

‘Til then…

And Now, These Messages…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in ads, baseball, comedy, Comedy Zone, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, video

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s Day 7 of Blog-A-Day in May and I’ve decided to dump the number-related titles. The blog is corny enough without having to try. So, the big news of the day is the 50 game suspension of LA Dodger, Manny Ramirez for performance enhancing drugs. Considering I don’t care about baseball already, the loss of one of it’s most compelling players isn’t going to affect me much. With all of the big name players on the juice, I think ESPN should just combine their coverage of MLB and World’s Strongest Man. I know I’d tune in if the players had to drag a Cessna around the bases with their teeth after a hit.

We’ll be right back after these messages…

…and we’re back.

So, we’re a week into this thing, and I haven’t botched it yet. Remember, last year’s attempt lasted 11 days. For those of you in the Harrisburg, PA area, I’ll be at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone for hilarity-related activities. Click the link for info and details.

See you tomorrow…

Six Symbol

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, sandwich, Washington Capitals

Hey there ‘Redheads… I’ve only got an hour left to get Day 6 of Blog-A-Day in May in the books before the clock strikes midnight. Three quick things to share. Just got back from watching the Caps game at my buddy Greg’s place. Simeon Varlamov is a brick wall with a head. He’s the only reason the Caps didn’t get outright embarrassed tonight. The second period looked like a twenty-minute long Penguin power play…seriously, can hockey be played half-rink?

Before the game, we had dinner at one of my favorite little restaurants, Roy’s Place. Right in the heart of old town Gaithersburg. They offer over 200 sandwiches on the menu. I indulged in my favorite, The Dracula… Two Polish sausages wrapped in bacon, with broiled provolone cheese, buried in cole slaw & Russian dressing on French bread. Yum-a-dum dum. Yes, the heart of old town Gaithersburg is kinda plaquey.

Finally, I wanted to share a short exchange I had with my friend Sam (short for Samantha) at one of my weekly poker games last night. Sam can be described as spunky. I forget how the conversation got there, but she admitted to having a Tinkerbell t-shirt. I remarked that didn’t shock me in the slightest. She said, “Because I constantly zip around the room.” And I added, “And because we clap when we believe you exist.”

See you tomorrow…

Cinco de Blog-o

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in cinco, comedy, Dom Deluise, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May, mayo

Hey there ‘Redheads… Happy Cinco de Mayo. And happy Day 5 of Blog-A-Day in May. As happy as it can be in this weather. It’s another wet bag of shit day in the Washington, DC area. Hardly the sun and fun that you need when you’re wearing a sombrero and washing down your tacos with a Corona. Forget the lick and the slam…today just sucks. But I’m sure that won’t stop people from binge drinking in the name of Mexican independence…or whatever the hell today is supposed to commemorate. I’m worried that this is the day that the swine flu pandemic explodes…because everybody is Mexican today.

With the squeeze of lime revelry that today brings, it is tinged with some salty sadness. Last night, we lost Dom Deluise. I was never a big fan of the Cannonball Run movies. For my money, Dom’s best stuff was in Mel Brooks’ stuff…

There’s your trifecta, by the way. Dom Deluise, Danny Gans, and Bea Arthur.

Enjoy your tequila hangovers tomorrow…see you then.

For Example…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, cute, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, lesson, May

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s a dismal day 4 of Blog-A-Day in May. To cheer you up, here’s an excerpt of am IM between my sister and I about my impossibly cute nephew, Moshe. Here’s a quick cuteness refresher…




He fell down. Went boom. But a lesson was learned…

Lauren: yeah, don’t know if mom or dad told you, he fell and banged his mouth pretty bad…

Jared: yeah, I heard that

Lauren: he was all swollen for the past two days…didn’t look like our little moshe

Jared: awww… poor kid… he chip a toof?

Lauren: No, thank G-d…but he’s really bruised and there are dark marks behind his 2 front teeth… the swelling went down today, but he still has a lot of bruising

Jared: that’s how you learn not to stand on a rocking chair… he’s wobbly enough without help

Lauren: the whole thing was so flukey… i always tell him not to stand on chairs

Jared: now the chair told him

Lauren: right

Jared: and the floor said, “told ya”

Lauren: uch, he was so sad

Jared: :o/

Lauren: no, the book case said “told ya”

Jared: OUCH

Lauren: mm hmm

Jared: this is why I don’t read… books are a hazard

Lauren: lol

Jared: especially in cases

See you on Cinco…

Back to the Threeture…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, jokes, May

Hey there ‘Redheads… I’m trying my best to get this one in under the wire to keep Blog-A-Day in May chugging along. Big thanks to the great peeps at the Baltimore Comedy Factory for a fun weekend. Sometimes you want to go where everyone knows your name.

So, onto the daily nugget of nonsense. Here’s the thing, and I figured this would happen at some point, I don’t have much to say. So, as a cop out, I’m reaching back a year and reprinting the entry from the ill-fated Joke-A-Day in May. Enjoy the year old hackery and I’ll have something for you manana…

I think it’s time for movies to stop using the phrase, “From the people who brought you…” to sell a flick to the movie-going public. Judd Apatow has had one or two critically acclaimed funny movies…and alot of people were involved in bringing them to you. So, now, every piece of celluloid that has anyone from those movies attached to it is, “from the people who brought you Super Bad and Knocked Up.” Just because a gaffer from one of those flicks is holding the boom mic for the next one off the Apatow assembly line doesn’t make it good. Remember, the people who brought you Star Wars also shoveled Howard The Duck into theaters. It reminds me of my mail man. The same person who brings me my Urkel toaster cozy that I bought on Ebay also brings me my bills. Joy and pain. Yin and yang. Starsky and Hutch.

I think that one has legs. Short, stubby, polio-ridden legs, but it’s a start. Any thoughts?

See you tomorrow…

Take Two Pillows…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Baltimore Comedy Factory, Bea Arthur, comedy, Danny Gans, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May, Star Wars, tired

Good morning, ‘Redheads… It’s Day 2 of Blog-A Day in May and, so far, I haven’t missed a day (small victories, people). I’m working on about 3 hours of sleep after doing three shows at the Baltimore Comedy Factory last night, then having to scrape myself out of bed with a spatula to come to work this morning. I am formerly hausted. Normally, I try to work my schedule so I don’t have to do the day job on a Factory weekend, but things didn’t quite work out this time, so I’ll be spending today shambling around like an extra in a George Romero flick (brains, anyone?…anyone?). And that last show was a complete drunken fustercluck.

Allow me to explain. First, let me say that the Factory is one of my favorite clubs. The staff is great, the place is a block away from a Five Guys, and the crowds are generally awesome. However, the Factory does two things that alot of other clubs don’t…they have a late late show on Friday night and they offer all-you-can-drink tickets to entice patrons. This can create a perfect storm for drunken mayhem in the audience, making it a crapshoot for the comics stepping on stage. By “crapshoot”, I meant the crowd could literally begin shooting crap at you. Basically, the crowd was too drunk to want to pay attention, and those that did thought they were participating in some sloshed McLaughlin Group, with every joke being a chance for a drunk slunt (look it up) to try to make the show all about them. Oy vey. I felt like I should’ve started my set with, “We, who are about to die, salute you!” But that was just last night and I needed blog material. I’ve also been a part of some great Friday late late shows there. Just sayin’…last night’s crowd stunk out loud.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the passing of two showbiz greats. Yesterday, Sin City lost one of it’s biggest performers, Danny Gans. He died in is sleep at age 52. I never got to see Danny Gans, but whenever I was planning a trip to Vegas, my parents would always tell me to go to his show. He was a musical impressionist…not exactly my brand of vodka, but everyone tells me he was amazing…

Also, last weekend, the world lost Bea Arthur. Instead of thanking her for being a friend, I thought I’d share a rare clip of her with the late great Harvey Korman in… The Star Wars Holiday Special. I shit you not. Stick with it, she shows up about a minute in. Enjoy.

Bea, we hardly knew ye…

See you tomorrow…

One Day At a Time…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May, pearl harbor, swine flu

Hey there ‘Redheads… Welcome to Day 1 of Blog-A-Day in May. Happy May Day. May Day is a worldwide worker’s holiday…except here in the US, which is why I’m hunting and pecking this installment at work. These bloglets are going to have a stream of consciousness flow to them.

The Nigerian lady who works in the office, and has no interior monologue, just said, “I think we’re making too big a deal out of this swine flu.” I’m going to go ahead and file that under Statements That Don’t Need To Be Said Out Loud. They actually closed a school in Rockville because of one unconfirmed case. More deaths will result from truant kids getting hit by cars, than from swine flu…just sayin’…

The other day, I saw a car with a license plate that read, “Pearl Harbor Survivor“. Besides being struck with a wave of patriotism, I found it odd that she was driving a Honda Accord. Nice to see she can forgive and forget. In my wildest dreams, the car was a surprise birthday gift.

See you tomorrow…

It Begins…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Baltimore Comedy Factory, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, lego, silence, swine flu

Hey there ‘Redheads… I wanted to squeeze one last installment into April, since this month has been so sparse. I do plan to pick up the slack. As some of you might remember, I am a fan of the occasional stunt blog. So, I’d like to announce my latest attempt to boost readership, Blog-A-Day in May. Last year, I tried Joke-A-Day in May, which lasted about 10 days before it sputtered and went kaput. I think I can keep this one going…for at least that long. We’ll see. So, everyday in May, you’ll get a quickie that’ll either be a random nugget or a recap from my comedy travels…basically, what you usually get, just not spaced weeks apart.

The hysteria du jour is the dreaded swine flu…the pig plague…the pork pandemic. The CDC recently quarantined three houses. One was made of straw, one was made of wood, and the other was made of brick. I’m not worried about contracting swine flu. Not because there are only 100 cases in the entire country of 300 million people, but because I’ve vaccinated myself…with 10cc of bacon fat. I latest wrinkle in this story is that Orthodox Jews have taken offense to the name “swine flu”, because pigs aren’t kosher. This makes no sense to me. Maybe if it was called “swine kampf”, then I could see why it would be offensive.

I found this little gem on YouTube the other day and I thought I’d share. Enjoy…

I’m at the Baltimore Comedy Factory this weekend with Reverend Bob Levy, from the Howard Stern Show. This kicks off my seven week comedy mini-tour. I’m in Harrisburg next weekend and the DC Improv after that. If you plan to swing by the Factory this weekend, drinks are on me…

See you tomorrow…

All You Can Eat

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Australia, baseball, comedy, eating, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Miss Universe, skinny

Hey there ‘Redheads… Happy belated Earth Day to one and all. I hope everyone took the time to minimize their carbon footprints, or at least cover them up so they can’t be traced back to you. Lots of celebrating going on in April. Today was Take Your Spawn to Work Day and, so I’m told, National Competitive Eating Day. Now there’s something you won’t see an Ethiopian beat us in the closing seconds. Leave it to the good old U.S.A. to assign a point system to gluttony. I’ll tell you who else won’t be challenging our gastric superiority, if their supermodels are any indication…Australia. This is one of the contestants in the Miss Universe Australia competition…


Her name is Stephanie Naumoska. She’s 19 years old, 5’11”, 108 lbs, and ribbed for your pleasure. There’s a huge uproar that she promotes an unhealthy body image. Well, when you’re so skinny people are offering to sponsor you for 85 cents a day, maybe it’s time to mix in a $5 foot-long. This girl makes Maria Shriver look like Augustus Gloop. I’m impressed by the forward thinking of the Aussies. This is the Miss Universe pageant she’s shooting for. Eventually, that title will have to be defended intergalactically. The entrants she’d be up against will look like this…

I kid, but it turns out that she has a lucrative career as a remedial art class body model…like Leo in Titanic, I must draw her…
Ok, enough of the tall pictures to pad the blog length. Regular readers know that I’m about quality of quantity…it makes my odds better that something in here will actually be funny. One thing I don’t stand for, it’s typos. Even with the words I make up, great care is taken to spell them right. Call me crazy, but I want something that represents me to reflect professionalism…even if it is through a funhouse mirror. Boy would my face be red if I misspelled something so basic as my name…good thing I’m not a professional sports franchise…that would be at least twice as embarrassing…
Well, at least they didn’t misspell “DC”. DC: The city that proofreads. There’s no “I” in “team”, but there’s an “O” in “Holy fuck.” C’mon, Nats. Your attendance is already less than that model’s daily calorie intake. Let’s make sure we dot our t’s and cross our i’s.

For my Charm City ‘Redheads, I’m back in Baltimore one last time before I kick off my 7 week regional comedy tour. Check me out at the late night Bar Bacon Fun Time Comedy show on Friday night. Click the link for all the bacony details. Speaking of my upcoming whirlwind (ok, slight breeze) schedule, here’s a quick refresher on where and when I can be found at a purveyor of mirth near you…

April 30 – May 2@ the Comedy Factory in Baltimore, MD
May 8 & 9 @ the Comedy Zone in Harrisburg, PA
May 14 – 17 @ the DC Improv (opening for JEFF ROSS)
May 21 – 23 @ the Funny Farm in Youngstown, OH
May 29 & 30 @ the Comedy Zone in Greensboro, NC
June 5 & 6 @ the Comedy Zone in Charleston, WV
June 11 & 12 @ Cozzy’s in Newport News, VA
July 31 & Aug. 1st @ Bogey’s Comedy Club in Willoughby Hills, OH

Mark your calendars. Go to Jared.

To be continued…